Work Text:
No matter where you are, I’ll always chase behind you.
Ever since we met when we are young, you always shine brighter than anyone. Everyone told you that you’re their shining star, their hope for the future. You radiate light wherever you go.
For me, you’re my sunshine. There’s happiness everywhere we go. You light up my world when we first met. Your warm smile, welcoming personality.
“I’m Kim Seokjin, nice to meet you!”
You’re my hyung, and also the one who brings me on the path to joy.
We went to the same school together.
By the time I entered as a freshman, you already gained a huge presence in campus. I remembered seeing you that day, shining on the stage while you were giving the welcoming speech to us newbies as student council president.
I still remember the squealing noises from girls as you walked past the corridors. Your locker overflowed with love letters and gifts. You really lived up to your name as the school’s local heartthrob. Everyone got a crush on you.
Even I still got head over heels over you. You’re so bright up there, and I am just a small flash of light in your world of cosmos. I want to catch up to you, but I can’t. There’s always a distance between me and you. Not just a matter of age, but in status. You are always flying up in the sky like an eagle, while I’m just a small unnamed bird trying to follow your steps.
When you comforted me, talked to me in lunch breaks, tutored me homework whenever I barged in, you’re so close to me, to the point we are holding hands, feeling each other’s warmth and heartbeat. But I know there will always be a gap. A blank space that I can’t fill.
“It’s okay to feel like that, that’s completely alright…Sorry but I don’t feel the same way…”
I understand, you probably see me as a younger brother than a potential lover.
The hugs the day we bid our farewells as you graduate, I will always treasure it. It feels like you, as the sun, was warming up the little wings of a small bird. Empowering me from a distance. Telling me to keep going no matter what awaits in front of us.
And so here I am, soaring in the sky to the degree I was chasing through for years.
“I got this when I’m going to school…A name card from BigHit?”
The day when you got signed to an entertainment company. You’re now a trainee, an aspiring star in the industry, while I am just a nobody. No one would know much about my existence, while you’ll soon be a household name everyone talks in awe.
I remembered the day you debuted as a singer, a solo idol. You were nervous as hell in the practice room, while I was trying to rush through my notes for the exams, both of us waiting in thrill as we waited for the MV release, trying to rush for the first like.
“Oh my god…I really did that…”
I realized we were going even more further.
I was a university student trying to get my degree, while you were an artist with a skyrocketing popularity.
Our texts became more and more sparse as you took up more jobs and duties, becoming more and more busy. You even succeeded in acting, a dream you held since childhood.
I became an avid fan of yours, just like the same thing I did when we met, only the love was transferred from physical affection to CDs, posters, fanmeetings, concerts.
Others see me as a passionate supporter of Jin, the rising ‘Nation’s Son’ singer; I see myself as a supporting best friend of Kim Seokjin, the hyung I have loved through the years.
When you fell in love, I can only support you from the back. We exploded our chat with love advice, and we planned your first date together. I remembered picking your outfit for the date, that the guy you loved commented that it was so cute.
If I can take over the place of the guy back then, I would for sure, even if it cost anything.
‘Did you two kissed?’
‘Best feeling in my whole life.’
I felt sad that I won’t be able to give you the best kiss in the whole world...but I would be the best friend you can get. The little brother you’ll be proud of after looking back in the years we spent together.
“And the daesang goes to…”
I’m sure you made me very proud and happy. Receiving the award on stage, you’re like the king of the world, making everyone happy under your rule. I hoped I can give you the hug you deserve while you broke down on stage, tears wetting your black, sleek suit. You had walked so far to this step, enduring the criticism and hate just for coming out, and from a nobody in the idol world to the top of the world.
You deserved love from everyone all around the world.
You made it hyung, I'm so, so glad for you.
I will just pretend I didn’t see you and him hugging on stage.
Am I jealous? Maybe? I’m somehow salty when I see you spending more time with him.
You’re either busy with work or busy with your boyfriend…I missed the times where we spend the day doing nothing and chill at your bedroom. Without you, my world felt blank and empty, like there’s still a missing puzzle piece left till the perfect picture is built.
I think the gap won’t go away anytime soon… Yet the feeling of unrequited love was really painful…
“Why are you here…Seokjin-hyung is mine…”
I wished I could say those words without hesitation. Claiming my love back without caring about anyone. I believed with hyung by my side the future will be bright. I believed with my gifts that I had given him everytime we meet can bring him enough excitement to completely fill his heart, so that he could be mine for once. But it’s not the case. I found the words hard to spit it out whenever I want to say it. Seeing him so happy with the other guy made my thoughts wavered even more. I saw him laughing and smiling even more often when he’s with him. It isn’t the plastered perfect smile that’s always on TV shows, it’s from his true happiness. The more I saw this scene I slowly realized that I can’t give him the best things in the world just by myself. That guy has given him the perfect taste of love, and I won’t be able to accomplish that no matter how much time has passed.
Will letting go can bring less burden to us? I can’t even catch up with you anyway. You’re the Polaris in the night sky, while I’m just an unknown explorer, following your light and guidance. The gap between us will never change, no matter how much I wanted to try. If I stop causing trouble to our relationship, will we be happier? There’s won’t be accidental embarrassments caused by my over-the-line actions, and we could make it clear that our bond was just a brotherly relationship.
It hurts to say it out, but I guess my job is done here.
When you kissed the guy at the back street in the cold winter night, I slowly slipped away from your back, feeling the last bits of the warmness you brought to me.
It’s time to say my farewells towards my feelings, and let go of my first crush.
There’s someone more important waiting for my arrival in the future.
No matter when, I’ll always be the light chaser of the sunshine I called Seokjin-hyung.
Despite our different roles and personas we picked up throughout our lives, you’ll always be my beloved hyung.
I hope he would felt like that too, that I can be the hyung he loved so much.
Slowly opening the mailbox of our apartment, I found an oddly stylized envelope with a card in it and a letter. I already knew what’s going on from the gold stamping and the drawings on the envelope, so I directly skipped to the letter. I slowly opened it, as he placed a cup of coffee onto the table and hugging me from the back.
I still loved the way he wrote letters.
“To my precious Hobi and his beloved Jiminie, Yoongi-chi and I are getting marriedddddd”