Archive of Our Own

Seungmin wants to clarify that, first of all, if he had the choice, he would never have turned up at this party on his own will, and second, that he was dragged into this kicking and screaming. Okay, maybe not kicking but there was definitely intense protesting involved, Felix could vouch for that. As he sits on the edge of the armrest of Han Jisung’s leather couch, watching the shitstorm of a party Han Jisung is hosting unfold, Seungmin thinks he’d rather be at home playing video games with Jeongin.

Felix approaches him tentatively, a plastic red cup in each hand. “Seungmin.”

Seungmin raises an eyebrow. “What?”

“I promise these aren’t spiked. I just poured them.” Felix hands over one of his cups and settles down in the cushion beside Seungmin. “It’s just lemonade,” he says.

Seungmin sniffs the cup and confirms that there is only a faint lemon scent before taking a sip. He relaxes when he tastes only lemons and not any weird alcohol that everyone else seems to be drinking. “Thanks, Lix,” he mumbles.

“No problem. Have you talked to anyone yet?”

Seungmin shrugs. He wraps both hands around the cup, opting to look at the contents inside of it rather than having to face the couple making out right in his field of vision across the room. It’s like they’re not even trying to be inconspicuous. “Felix, I said I didn’t want to be here. Why would I talk to anyone?” He tries to keep the bite out of his tone, but the irritation seems to filter through anyway.

Felix seems to deflate at that. “You’ve been so stressed about classes. I just wanted to bring you out so you could have some fun.” He leans his head over to rest on Seungmin’s thigh. “If you can’t find something to entertain you by midnight, we can leave.”

Seungmin ruffles Felix’s hair. “Alright.”

“I’ll be back. I’m going to grab some chips.” Felix, and his cup of lemonade, disappear within the sea of people.

Seungmin wonders exactly how many people are here because he seems to see a new face every time he scans the room. The front door, as well as the back, are wide open. People just walk in and out whenever they please, half of them not even bothering to take off their shoes and it’s driving him insane. Seungmin takes another long sip of his lemonade, sliding down to sit on the cushion Felix has just left empty. He’s watching the front door, playing match the shoe pairs with the giant mess that’s there when he sees a new face enter the house.

Hwang Hyunjin looks like he always has. He fits in here: his hair parted nicely, a touch of eyeliner, leather pants and a slightly oversized t-shirt. He’s a stark contrast against Seungmin’s jeans and gray sweater. A stark contrast with everything Seungmin is.

Seungmin knows he shouldn’t have come.

Hyunjin seems to feel someone’s stare on him because he looks up from where he’s kicking off his black high-tops and makes eye contact with Seungmin. There is a flash of surprise, but he keeps his gaze steady.

It’s Seungmin who looks away first. He fumbles with his cup for a moment so he can take his phone out of his pocket to check the time. It’s barely eleven. When he dares to look back to the door, Hwang Hyunjin has disappeared. Seungmin doesn’t want to say that the feeling in his stomach is disappointment, but that would be a lie.

“Hey, that was my spot.”

Seungmin looks up and finds Felix with a party sized bag of sour cream and onion Lays. He pats the spot next to him and pulls the bag of chips so it rests on either of their thighs. “Han Jisung might suck at controlling a crowd but he knows his chips.”

Felix grins. “I think he’s going to start kicking people out soon. His best friend has showed up after all. Hyunjin hates crowds.”

Seungmin suppresses a snort. “Huh.” It feels weird to have Hwang Hyunjin be called someone else’s best friend. And before anyone asks, no, he wasn’t bitter. Maybe a little confused, a little nostalgic, and a little sad.

“Anyway, if we get kicked out, do you want to stop and grab a burger before Changbin takes you home? I want food.”

Seungmin nods. “Sure.” He crunches through another handful of chips before realizing something. “Wait, is your boyfriend drinking right now?”

Felix blinks. “Maybe? Wait, I should probably check.” Once again, Felix disappears and Seungmin is left with lemonade in one hand and a bag of chips on his lap.

As he waits for Felix to return, Seungmin confirms that Han Jisung is, indeed, kicking people out. The crowd in the living room isn’t as busy as it was before and there are less shoes at the front door. It’s easier to match them this way and Seungmin soon finishes mentally finding pairs to all the non-black shoes that were piled up there. He’s about to attempt the remaining shoes when he hears someone call his name.

“Hey, Seungmin, we’re going to play games. Come with!”  Changbin grabs Seungmin’s arm and pulls him up, sloshing lemonade onto Seungmin’s sweater. There wasn’t much left in the cup in the first place, but it’s enough to get Seungmin to yank his arm away from Changbin, who he can tell is slightly past tipsy at this point.

“How did you manage to find me before your boyfriend found you?” Seungmin grumbles to himself. “I’m content here, thank you very much,” he tells Changbin.

“It’s a party! Stop sitting here and glaring at everyone!” Changbin pinches Seungmin’s cheek and pulls him along, weaving through the people without much trouble. Everyone seems to part a path for him. They give Seungmin weird looks, but he just glares back. There isn’t much he can say when half of his face is being held hostage between Changbin’s fingers.

Changbin guides him upstairs, where everything is much tamer. “Alright. We’re here.”

“Can I have my face back?” Seungmin snaps, though it comes out slightly garbled because Changbin still has a very firm hold on his left cheek. “You’re very strong for someone who’s tiny.”

“Don’t talk about my height or I’m leaving you here!” Changbin releases his hold and pats the slightly reddened skin. “This’ll be fun. Lix is already here.”

Seungmin doesn’t know why they’re playing games in this random room upstairs away from everyone else, but at least he’ll be playing games with Felix and Changbin instead of strangers.

Felix lights up when he sees him and scoots back slightly to pat the floor next to him fervently. “Seungmin, sit here. Changbin, here.” Felix smiles when Seungmin slides into the spot beside him before frowning slightly. “Why’s your sweater wet?”

Oh, Seungmin had forgotten about that. He shows Felix his empty cup. “Your boyfriend,” he mumbles, as if that would be enough for Felix to understand. The other seems to get it though, because he leans over to his boyfriend and starts lightly scolding him for being clumsy. Seungmin takes the lack of attention on him to finally take in his surroundings.

It’s Jisung’s parents’ room; Seungmin can tell by the family picture hanging on the wall. Seungmin thinks they’re probably in here so that people can’t get too rowdy, knowing Jisung would probably kill them if they did. Or maybe not, who knows what goes on in people’s minds? There aren’t a lot of people in the room, so Seungmin assumes it’s just going to be something between them and not the entire population that Han Jisung has invited over to trash his place. There are some faces he recognizes from high school but also a handful of new people. They’re all Felix’s friends, or rather Changbin’s friends whom Felix hangs out with because that’s where his boyfriend is. They also happen to be Hyunjin’s friends, but Seungmin finds himself hoping that Hwang Hyunjin won’t show up.

Fat chance that would happen.

Hyunjin walks into the room right after Seungmin finishes his thought, half-finished bottle of beer in one hand and a bag of sour cream and onion Lays in the other. It’s probably the same one Seungmin left on the couch when Changbin dragged him away. Hyunjin looks surprised to see him there, eyebrows raising.

Once again, Seungmin looks away first. “Felix, when are we leaving?”

“I said midnight if you couldn’t find people to talk to, but we’re playing games now, so I guess whenever this is over? I think I’ll have to drive because Changbin is kind of out of it.” Felix laughs sheepishly, fingers carding through Changbin’s messy hair as the older rests his head on Felix’s lap. “Lighten up, Seungmin.”

Seungmin tenses his jaw and leans into his friend’s ear. “Hwang Hyunjin is here,” he hisses.

Felix shrugs. “And? I thought you said you didn’t have bad blood with him. What’s wrong?” He blinks innocently.

Seungmin has to take a deep breath to calm himself or else he would have crushed the poor plastic cup in his grip. “I want to leave as soon as this is over, alright? One game,” he whispers.

That makes Felix frown, but he nods slowly. “Fine.”

Seungmin settles back in his seat, hugging his knees to his chest and leaving the cup in front of him. He nudges it with his sock-clad toes, avoiding eye contact with everyone, including the person that just so happens to sit right across from him.

“Alright, this is where the real party’s at!” Jisung is lugging a whole box of canned beers into the room. His hair is a mess, but his eyes are bright.

“If he’s here, who’s watching the people downstairs?” Seungmin mutters under his breath.

“If you’re here, who’s watching the people downstairs?” Hyunjin says.

Seungmin’s toes kick the cup a little too hard and knocks it over. Hyunjin’s head whips around to find the source of the noise, but Seungmin pointedly refuses to look at anyone or anything other than the red cup that he’s righting.

“They can handle themselves. We’re about to get the real party started here!”

“What are we doing exactly?” Felix asks.

“Truth or dare,” Jisung replies, as if it was obvious. “Hyunjin, either finish that bottle or I’ll take it.”

Seungmin cringes when Hyunjin downs the rest of it like it was water. He doesn’t want to be that person, but Hwang Hyunjin never drank when they were in high school.

Time changes a lot of things. Like people. And friendships. And feelings.

Okay, maybe not feelings because Seungmin still feels the same. Especially when he looks at a particular someone.

Han Jisung looks absolutely elated at the prospect of playing truth or dare out of all the possible games slightly drunk college students could be playing, but Seungmin’s not about to start a scene when he needs a ride home. He moves closer to Felix, preferring to brush their arms together instead of having to sit close to Lee Minho, who is silently staring at everyone with unreadable eyes. Seungmin can see that his face is pink, but he’s not sure if it’s because of the drinks or something else. Either way, Minho has always kind of put him off in a weird way he can’t explain. Maybe it was the random changes in behavior that takes him by surprise. Or maybe it was the fact that he caught Minho smoking once with Hwang Hyunjin.

All Seungmin knows is that he doesn’t belong here, even if Han Jisung isn’t about to kick him out for intruding. He’s not loud enough, adventurous enough, daring enough to be sitting in a circle with some of the most popular kids from high school in a party he was dragged to without much of a choice. Seungmin feels too much with his head and his heart and not enough with his gut to be sitting right across from Hwang Hyunjin.

“Alright, alright. I’ll go first because I’m hosting this sick ass party. If the bottle lands on you and you can’t do the thing I ask, you drink.” Jisung smacks the box of Budweisers beside him. “First one to throw up leaves. You better not yak on my mom’s rug or I’ll decapitate you.” Han Jisung grins so wide, Seungmin is concerned for his cheeks. It also slightly unnerves him how cheerful the other boy looks while literally uttering death threats and how uncaring everyone else seems to react to it. “Alright bitches, let’s get started!”

Seungmin regrets letting Felix drag him to this party a whole lot more now that he’s actually doing things.

The bottle lands on a boy named Sunwoo first and Jisung dares him to do a handstand against the wall until he gets chosen again. Apparently, this is an inside joke or something because everyone else finds it absolutely hilarious. Seungmin is worried about him getting head rush.

The game continues. Seungmin sits, holding his breath every time the bottle gets close to landing on him. He’s pretty lucky. This is the fourth time that the bottle has stopped just shy of him, either landing on Felix or Minho. He’s watched as Felix was dared to sit on Changbin’s lap for the rest of the game and as Lee Minho was forced to yell something he’d rather not repeat out the window to the neighbor.

Everyone around him slowly grows louder, screaming and yelling and laughing at the dares or the rare secrets that are spilled. The 24 pack of beers is half empty by eleven thirty, and Seungmin feels more out of place than ever. The only time he felt slightly amused is when Sunwoo toppled over, but that was two minutes into his handstand. Felix is still sober but he’s too preoccupied with Changbin being clingy to notice that Seungmin is highly uncomfortable with the noise level and everyone around him.

“Felix, I’m going to the restroom. I’ll be back,” he mutters.

“You can’t or else you’re a loser and you’ll have to leave,” Minho says simply. He sips his beer while blinking at him slowly. Seungmin doesn’t even remember what Lee Minho refused to have to drink that, but maybe he just wants to drink for the hell of it.

Seungmin really wants to leave, but it’s not like he’s going to be walking back to his place. He doesn’t have money for a taxi either. Damn Han Jisung and his big house in the middle of rich people area. If it weren’t so cold outside, Seungmin would rather brave the one-hour trek home than sit in this room any longer. He picks up his red cup and crushes it in his hands instead, ignoring how it cracks and breaks apart.

To top it all off, Seungmin finally runs out of luck and the bottle lands on him.

“Oops,” is all Lee Minho says. He holds eye contact as he chugs the rest of his beer bottle and lets out an obnoxious burp while he’s at it. “Kim Seungmin. Truth or dare?”

Seungmin weights his options. He half wants to choose dare in hopes that Lee Minho will dare him to go home, but he really doesn’t want to be found as a frozen body by the side of the road tomorrow morning. “Truth,” he mumbles.

The older boy’s lips curl into what Seungmin can only describe as a devilish smile. It literally sends tingles down his spine. “What happened between you and Hyunjin?”

Seungmin feels his entire body go cold. The room is silent, except for Han Jisung’s quiet, “oh shit, he actually did it.”

Seungmin doesn’t think he can even decipher the hurricane of thoughts that are whirling around in his head right now. Hwang Hyunjin. Goddamn Hwang Hyunjin. Goddamn Hwang Hyunjin talks about him to his new friends. New fucking friends. Fucking friends that don’t include Seungmin anymore.

“Can’t answer? Or won’t answer?” Lee Minho cocks an eyebrow and all Seungmin wants to do and throw his broken cup at him. And maybe throw a few punches while he’s at it because Lee Fucking Minho looks like he’s having the time of his life teasing Seungmin like this.

God, this was why they stopped in the first place. Fucking Lee Minho. Fucking Hwang Hyunjin’s new friends.

And as if to add more fuel to the fire, Minho actually pops the top to a can of Budweiser and holds it out. “Here you go.”

Seungmin feels Felix’s hand on his knee, squeezing lightly. “Seungmin, I’ll drink it for you,” he offers.

“You’re driving us home, dumbass,” he hisses back.

Felix doesn’t even flinch at the harsh tone or the insult. “It’ll be okay. I can do it.”  

“I’m not letting you drink this shit, Felix. I don’t want to die on my way home.” All Seungmin can feel is rage, even if his thoughts aren’t coherent. He’s never going to a party with Felix ever again. Never ever. Nope.

“But Seungmin, you–”

Seungmin reaches out for it, hands slightly shaky because he’s angry and humiliated but Minho seems to take it as fear because his smile widens.

“Minho, wait, maybe we shouldn’t–”

Han Jisung’s voice is deaf to his ears because all Seungmin can think about is how heavy the can feels in his hand. But before he can even raise it to his lips, it’s yanked from his grasp.

“Woah, woah, woah, Hyunjin, what the fuck, man?” Minho protests.

Seungmin can’t tell if Hwang Hyunjin is even breathing as he chugs it, but, by the looks of it, he looks like he’s done this hundreds of times before.

Hyunjin wipes his mouth with the back of his hand when he finishes, crushing the can in the other. “Fuck off, Minho. That wasn’t funny. We already said we weren’t going to talk about that.” He looks at Seungmin, eyes softening just the slightest. “Sorry, Min. That was totally–”

“Shut up, Hwang Hyunjin.” Seungmin stands and storms out, ignoring Felix calling after him and the way Hyunjin actually looks hurt. He’s hurt too, damnit, but no one ever seems to think about that. After slamming the door to Jisung’s parents’ room closed, Seungmin stomps into the first room he finds, feeling so frustrated with everything and everyone and just wanting to get away from the world. He hides himself in the walk-in closet, Han Jisung’s by the looks of it, and curls up in a dark corner while glaring at the doorframe.

Seungmin wants to be logical about it all, to think things through, but he knows that it’ll all just lead to him being angry and frustrated some more. Instead, he sits and stews, chewing on his lower lip and trying not to let the image of Hwang Hyunjin’s hurt eyes get to him. He just wants to go home and play games with Jeongin. That would have been the optimal weekend. Not being forced to play truth or dare with the same group of people he’s held a grudge on since high school… and Hwang Hyunjin.

He hears his name being called by Felix, but Seungmin doesn’t want to reply. It really wasn’t Felix’s fault but he wants to be petty for a bit and put some of the blame on Felix to dragging him here in the first place. Seungmin sinks deeper into the depths of Han Jisung’s closet, letting the other boy’s clothes and the smell of fancy cologne hide him from the outside world.

Seungmin doesn’t know how he’ll face everyone when he sees half of them in class on Monday. God, he’s made such a scene.

“Seungmin, you’re in here right?”

Seungmin’s breath hitches and he squeezes his eyes shut.

“Min, I know you are.”

That nickname. That damn nickname. Seungmin pulls his hood over his head and buries his face in between his knees. He knows the movement will probably give his position away, but he’s not going to deny that a little part of him wants Hyunjin to find him.

The lights flicker on and Seungmin feels Hwang Hyunjin sit down beside him. “Hey, are you okay?”

Seungmin doesn’t move, doesn’t say a word.

“Minho can be a jerk sometimes, but he means well,” Hyunjin says, stumbling over his words a little. “I’m not trying to defend him. I’m just saying that he’s a good guy underneath all the sass.”

If Seungmin were to look up, he would have noticed that Hyunjin was staring at him like they were fourteen again, like they were freshmen in high school getting ready to take on the world together. He also would have noticed that Lee Minho wasn’t trying very hard to be discreet about closing the door.

But he didn’t look up, and Hyunjin was too busy staring at Seungmin like things didn’t go wrong to notice until the door finally clicked closed and Han Jisung was trying to lock them in.

“Wait, what the?” Hyunjin shuffles to the door, wiggling the doorknob. “Hey, this isn’t funny. Jisung, open the door.”

“Work things out and I’ll think about it.”

Hyunjin sputters. “What? Jisung, just open the door.”

“You’re always talking about Kim Seungmin this, Kim Seungmin that. Well, now you have him. So talk to him! I’m leaving.”

Seungmin extracts his face from his knees when he hears his name. The panic doesn’t set in until he hears Han Jisung and Lee Minho walk away. “Wait, did they really leave?”

Hyunjin jiggles the doorknob again. He mumbles a few curse words under his breath but it’s loud enough for Seungmin to hear since they’re literally locked in this closet together. “Yeah, I guess so.”

“I’m going to text Felix.”

“Oh. Yeah. You do that.”

The air is awkward now that they’re talking. Seungmin pulls out his phone and sends a furious text to Felix, but the other either has his phone on silent or is purposely ignoring the message because the little gray dot stays gray.

“No reply?”

Seungmin grunts. “Nothing.”

“Damn it.”

Seungmin peers up from under his bangs and finds Hyunjin messing up his perfectly parted hair, looking highly stressed. He wonders why for a few moments – he couldn’t have been that bad of company right? – until he remembers that Hyunjin is claustrophobic. He learned that one the hard way. “Are you okay?” he dares to ask.

Hyunjin twitches before turning to look at Seungmin again. “Huh? Oh, yeah. Great. Doing fine.” He gives Seungmin a wobbly smile that says anything but.

“Hwang Hyunjin, if you’re not fine, you can say so.” Seungmin peeks out from Jisung’s clothes and into the open. He still doesn’t make eye contact, but he pats the spot next to him. “You’ll be fine. Your friends will let us out sooner or later once they realize you’re terrified.”

“They don’t know,” Hyunjin says, sounding a little embarrassed about it all.

“What kind of friends don’t know you’re claustrophobic? That’s like one of your biggest fears.”

Hyunjin shrugs. “It just never came up I guess.” He settles down beside Seungmin with his knees drawn to his chest, leaving a gap.

Seungmin thinks that that little gap is representative of the distance between them. Close, yet not enough.

“So that topic doesn’t come up, but I do?” Seungmin really thinks he should get someone to help him with working on his tone filter because he honestly doesn’t mean for it to sound like he’s pissed. But it does, and it stuns Hyunjin into silence. “Okay, I don’t mean it to sound like that.”

“Yeah, no, I get it.”  Hyunjin takes a deep breath, leaning his head back on the wall and staring up at the ceiling. “I don’t think I’ve talked about you recently, but I used to a lot. I mean, you were my best friend.”

It’s Hwang Hyunjin’s usage of past tense that jolts Seungmin back into reality. They weren’t friends. Not anymore.

“What happened, Min?”

Seungmin tries to not let the nickname get to him. He doesn’t want to think about Hwang Hyunjin used to call him Min, and how he used to call Hwang Hyunjin, Jin. They used to be inseparable, so much that their parents used to call them twins. Min and Jin. He doesn’t want to think about the time they were nine and they gave each other Valentines, signed with those nicknames, because all the girls in their class liked Bang Chan from the classroom next door. He doesn’t want to think about how they grew up with those names and how they’d introduce themselves, or rather Hyunjin would introduce them, to other kids as “Min and Jin.” Like they were one.

“I don’t know, you tell me,” is all Seungmin offers.

Hyunjin tears his gaze away from the ceiling to give Seungmin a quizzical look. “What is that supposed to mean?”

“You were the one who found new friends, Hwang Hyunjin.” He still isn’t looking. Doesn’t want to see what Hyunjin is trying to convey in his eyes. Seungmin knows that if he looks, he’ll start reminiscing and he won’t be able to forget about it all if he’s being confronted with the memory right in front of him.

“Why do you call me that?”

Seungmin lets out a dry laugh. “What? ‘Hwang Hyunjin?’ I don’t think we’re on nickname basis anymore.” Seungmin tugs at his sweater sleeve, pulling it to cover his hands. He fiddles with a loose strand on the inside, twirling it between his fingers.

“But why? What did I do? What happened? Why did I lose my best friend, Min?”

“Because you outgrew me!” The string snaps.

Hyunjin flinches.

Seungmin lets out a long breath through his nose, shutting his eyes and resting his chin on his knees. There is a lump forming in his throat and it’s painful. Almost as much as the ache in his chest. “Because you found new friends and didn’t need me anymore.” It hurts so much more to finally say it because it means that he’s admitting that it happened, that it affected him.

That Hyunjin really hurt him in more ways than one.

“All I remember is that one day, you stopped talking to me and started avoiding me. You can’t say that that was because I found new friends. I found new friends because my best friend couldn’t look me in the eye.”

Seungmin wished that Hyunjin would have forgotten that part, so he could live his lie and just think about how Hyunjin hurt him and that maybe it wasn’t the other way around.

“You started drifting and I knew. I knew that the moment you got sucked into them, you’d leave me. Why would you stay with the quiet nerd who plays video games in high school when you could get invited to all the cool parties with upperclassmen and get drunk and do all sorts of cool, illegal shit?” Seungmin definitely sounds bitter, but, in his head, it’s justified this time.

Hyunjin snorts. “Min, you knew that that was the last thing that I wanted.”

“But look at you now. You even drank that beer for me. You turned into everything you said you didn’t want to be. Smoking with Lee Minho? Drinking? Hooking up with sorority girls? You’re living the goddamn life, Hwang Hyunjin.”

“Seungmin–”

“Try calling Han Jisung again. We’ve talked long enough.”

“Stop trying to push me away again when I’ve finally got the time to sit down and talk to you!”

The desperation in Hyunjin’s tone finally gets Seungmin to shut up.

“Min, you don’t know how many times I’ve wanted to text you and ask to meet up so I could figure out everything?”

“So why didn’t you?”

“Because I was scared you’d avoid me like all the times I tried to fix things when they first started going wrong.”

“Oh, so this is my fault.”

Hyunjin sputters. “I never said that.”

The corner of Seungmin’s lip twitches. “You implied it.”

“I didn’t imply anything, Seungmin. You can’t do this to me.”

Seungmin lets out a quiet laugh and causes Hyunjin to freeze.

“Wait, now you’re just messing with me, huh?”

“You caught on fast enough.” Seungmin allows himself a thin smile, going back to fiddling with his sleeve.

Hyunjin relaxes against the wall. “It’s getting kind of stuffy in here.”

“Maybe we should turn off the light. It’s making it hotter.” Seungmin watches as Hyunjin scoots on his butt over to the door and flicks off the light with his long arms.

“Okay, now it’s just dark and stuffy.” He sounds closer than Seungmin thinks. “Remember when you threw me into a box and sat on it when we were eight and we discovered my claustrophobia?”

Seungmin lets out a small gasp when Hyunjin returns to his previous spot, except closer this time. He thinks this is pretty representative of them too. Together, but not seeing eye to eye. “Yeah. You cried.”

Hyunjin laughs. Finally freaking laughs and it sounds like the sun has exploded. But in a good way. It reminds Seungmin of all the times they played games under the blanket with a flashlight so Hyunjin’s mom wouldn’t scold them for staying up late when they were twelve and when they went to their middle school dance together as friends because all the girls were hoping that Kim Woojin would ask them out instead.

“Yeah, and you felt so bad you cried too.” Hyunjin’s arm brushes against Seungmin’s and, for a moment, Seungmin is fourteen again, and hanging out with his best friend without a care in the world. “I miss that, Min,” he confesses. He sounds small, like that fourteen-year-old telling his best friend that there was someone he liked.

“Why do you still call me that?” Seungmin whispers.

“Because you were my best friend.” Hyunjin says it so simply, as if it were obvious and as if there were no other explanation for it. It leaves Seungmin baffled.

“I was your best friend.”

“I honestly don’t know when you weren’t anymore.”

Seungmin goes silent again.

“Isn’t it weird that after being friends for so long that we just drifted apart so easily?”

Seungmin can’t see him in the dark, but he’s sure that Hyunjin is looking at him with the little head tilt and his chin rested on his knees. It’s their setting, and the way Hyunjin talks so nonchalantly, and the questions he’s asking that sends Seungmin into this weird spiral where all he can think about are his feelings, and how even after all these years of trying to deny, he can’t deny that they’re still there.

That Hyunjin means a lot more than he lets on.

That Hyunjin was a lot more than just a best friend.

And that scares him.

A lot.

“Jin, if I told you why I started avoiding you, would you tell me why you found new friends?”

Hyunjin is quiet for so long Seungmin begins to regret. “You called me Jin,” he says finally.

Seungmin feels his face heat up, even the tips of his ears. “Never mind. Forget it,” he backtracks. He’s interrupted anyway.

“I found new friends because I was scared you didn’t want to be mine anymore.”

The wording is kind of weird. Seungmin doesn’t know what he’s trying to imply, yet it makes his heart leap out of his chest into his throat. All Seungmin wants to do is cry. “Yours?” His voice cracks, and so he uses that as an excuse to bury his head between his knees again, even if he knows that Hyunjin can’t see how his face is burning red and how his eyes are glistening with hope.

“My best friend. My twin. My first everything,” Hyunjin clarifies. “You were my everything.”

“Don’t say it like that, it makes it sound like you liked me or something,” Seungmin wails.

Hyunjin laughs, and it’s Seungmin’s heart that explodes this time. “I did.”

Oh fuck, there it is.

Seungmin’s head jerks upwards so fast he smacks the back of it against the wall. He lets out a pained noise, cradling it in his hands while Hyunjin laughs. Seungmin feels like his entire world has tilted on its axis. This doesn’t even seem real. Was Hyunjin really the one who drank that beer? Because Seungmin feels drunk out of his mind right now.

“Are you okay?” Seungmin just lets out another wail that sets Hyunjin into another fit of laughter. “I missed this, Min. Missed you.”

“You can’t say that,” Seungmin whines.

“Why not? I really did miss you.”

“No, not that. The other thing.”

“What, that I liked you?”

There he goes again with that nonchalant tone and acting like the world is sunshine and rainbows when Seungmin is literally having the worst mental breakdown in his twenty-one years of existence. Hwang Hyunjin liked him? Really?

“I can’t believe that.” Seungmin doesn’t know how his voice sounds so steady when he’s dying on the inside.

“Ever since we were nine and I gave you that Valentines Day card.” Hyunjin stretches his legs out, one of his knees popping. “Up until we were sixteen and we weren’t friends anymore. And a little bit after that.”

With his eyes slightly more accustomed to the dark, Seungmin can see the outline of Hyunjin moving his feet side to side. It’s still a habit. Hyunjin used to do the exact same thing when they’d sit on Seungmin’s bed with their backs against the wall while talking about life. This was all too painful.

“Min, what if I told you I still do now?” Hyunjin questions.

Seungmin swears, pulling the strings of his hood so that only the tip of his nose sticks out. This party was making all sorts of things resurface, all the things Seungmin has worked so hard to shove into a box and hide in the back of his mind. Hyunjin just unpacked that shit and tore open the ten layers of tape and let the whole world know what’s been on Seungmin’s mind for the past five years.

“Would it be wrong?”

“Fucking shit, Jin.”

Hyunjin laughs, though it sounds a bit dry and tired. “You called me that again.” And then he sighs, resigning himself to staring at the ceiling again. “God, Min, would things have changed if I told you all of this earlier? Would you have stayed? Or would we have just drifted earlier?”

Seungmin’s thought about all of this too, but from his perspective. What if he told Hyunjin he’s been in love with his best friend since they were eight when he cried so hard, he was going to pass out because Hyunjin was crying enough to pass out? What if he told Hyunjin that he knew that Han Jisung had a thing for him instead of just letting his best friend slip between his fingers because he was a coward? What if he told Hyunjin that he’s thought about sending, ‘I miss you’ to Hyunjin’s number close to a million times over the past five years? What if he just leaned over and kissed him right now?

That one would be a mistake because Hyunjin would get a face full of sweater instead of Seungmin’s lips and then he would be mortified and probably break his way out of his damn closet so he could walk home and freeze on the side of the road.

Yeah, Seungmin has a lot on his mind, and not a lot of it makes any sense.

“Min?”

“I’ve liked you since we were eight. I thought you were going to die because you were crying so hard and then I would have had to live with the guilt of killing my best friend and making you cry.”

Hyunjin is stunned into silence for a moment before he shakes his head to bring himself back. “Min, are you crying?”

“Shut up.”

Seungmin thinks he likes Hyunjin’s laughter when it doesn’t sound so dry and tired.

“Seungmin, don’t cry. Oh my god, I didn’t tell you all of this to make you cry.”

“I’m not crying!” Seungmin protests, though his voice cracks and gives away that, yes, he was crying. “I’m not crying. I’m sweating because it’s hot in here.”

“Okay, okay.”

And then, all of a sudden, Hyunjin’s head is on his shoulder. Seungmin freezes as Hyunjin rests there, so casual and like they were kids. Seungmin wishes this was like when they were kids. He wouldn’t have to deal with feelings and just relish in the fact that he was with Hyunjin, his best friend.

“Did you miss me too?” Hyunjin asks.

“Every time I saw you, I wanted to go back to when we were sixteen to redo everything all over again,” Seungmin admits. “But I realized at one point that we were living two different worlds even if you were still here. So I gave up.” Seungmin sniffles and he rubs the tip of his nose with a finger though it does nothing.

“What do you mean?”

“Hyunjin, all I do is study and play video games with my roommate. You’re friends with these people.”

“What does that even mean?”

“That you’re not the same person you were five years ago. You’re here. At a party, drinking and having fun and meeting people.”

“But you’re also here. At a party. Drinking and having fun and meeting people.”

“I didn’t drink,” Seungmin corrects.

“But you get my point. How are we in two different worlds when you’re literally in the same closet as me, talking about the same thing as me, and feeling the same thing as me? I genuinely don’t get it.”

The weight on his shoulder is gone. He hears Hyunjin shifting positions. And then Hyunjin’s hands are on his, tugging the hoodie strings away. Seungmin lets him. Lets him pull the hoodie back and hold his cheeks in his hands. When he finally makes eye contact, Hyunjin’s eyes are lit up like they were thirteen again at the school dance under shitty lights, dancing to even shittier music. He brushes his thumbs under Seungmin’s eyes to wipe away the one stray tear that managed to slip past.

“Min, tell me what you’re feeling right now.” Hyunjin leans in close, over his criss-crossed legs and into Seungmin’s personal bubble. Not that he minds. Really.

“Your hands on my face.” Seungmin watches as Hyunjin’s face morphs into a soft smile and his heart does somersaults in his chest. Hyunjin’s eyes are literally glistening, even if they’re in the dark, and his smile hasn’t changed one bit.

“Feelings, Seungmin. What are your feelings right now?” he coaxes.

“Scared. Kind of nervous. My palms are sweaty and my heart is going boom boom boom and I feel kind of lightheaded. Maybe I’m getting a heart attack.”

“Woah, woah, slow down,” Hyunjin laughs. “Me too, Min.”

“What if we both die in this closet together?” Seungmin squeaks.

“No one is going to die in this closet, though that would be romantic. Dying together.”

“That’s not romantic! That’s terrifying!”

When Hyunjin grins, Seungmin sees the stars in his smile and the world revolve in his eyes. “I’m supposed to be the one that’s freaking out right now, but I’m not because I’m here with you. So calm down. Look at me and breathe.”

“But I can’t breathe when I look at you.” If Seungmin’s face could get any redder, it would.

“That was smooth, but I really need you to breathe, Min.”

Everything about this entire encounter, from Hyunjin’s soothing voice to the gentle caress he has on Seungmin’s cheeks, would have sent Seungmin to the moon if he really weren’t freaking out about how he’s finally made up with Hyunjin.

“I love your laugh. I’ve missed making you laugh so much.” Seungmin no longer has a brain to mouth filter. Hyunjin’s gone and open that box of hidden feelings and taken everything out of its compartment while he’s at it. Seungmin is going off of pure adrenaline now, off the rush that Hyunjin’s gaze gives him. Seungmin feels like the world has finally tilted the other direction, back to five years ago when everything was right. He finally lets out a shaky breath, eyes searching through Hyunjin’s eyes for any sign of doubt, for a sign that he was dreaming. But there isn’t anything there but that bright look under shitty lights of a thirteen-year-old who just asked his best friend to slow dance with him because he wanted to dance too. “I never stopped missing you. I never stopping liking you either.”

“Then you won’t hate me if I do this, right?”

Hyunjin’s hand on his skin feels like warm sunlight. And when Hyunjin finally closes the gap between them Seungmin swears that the world stops. It’s like they weren’t locked in Han Jisung’s closet. Not at a party with questionable people and even more questionable drinks doing questionable things. He doesn’t want to be the person that uses cliché descriptions to describe this kiss but, damn, Hyunjin kisses like a pro – not that Seungmin knows what that feels like. It just feels right. Like this was meant to happen and Hyunjin’s lips were meant to fit between Seungmin’s and his hands were meant to be on his skin. Like they were meant to be together. Min and Jin.

Seungmin moves closer and wraps his arms around Hyunjin’s neck, going off pure instinct. Without even meaning to, he closes his eyes. He feels Hyunjin’s hands slide to the back of his neck, bringing him closer. It’s slow and soft and everything Seungmin would have wanted in a first kiss. It wouldn’t be an over-exaggeration to say that he melted in Hyunjin’s arms.

“You don’t know how much I’ve wanted to do that,” Hyunjin whispers against his lips when they part. Their noses are brushing, and Seungmin can feel Hyunjin’s breath on his skin. He kind of smells like beer, but also like Hyunjin. Seungmin thinks he likes it. Not the beer part, but the Hyunjin part.

“I avoided you because I was scared that one day I would feel too much and it would all just spill out. I was scared that you wouldn’t want to be my friend anymore. I did the logical thing at the time and avoided you so my feelings would go away.” Every time a word leaves his lips, they would brush against Hyunjin’s and it was like they were kissing but not kissing. “I still feel too much, and I’m scared that the moment Han Jisung lets us out of his closet, you’ll go back to being untouchable.”

“I won’t.”

Seungmin closes his eyes and lets himself feel instead of think. “You shouldn’t make promises you can’t keep.”

Even though Hyunjin’s words are whispered, Seungmin feels all of it sink into his skin and settle. “Min, I promise I won’t be untouchable. My number hasn’t changed. Your contact is still Min with a heart on my phone. I go to the same college as you. I’m here. Like I always was and always will be.”

“And if you wake up one day and realize that you don’t like me anymore?”

“I’ve spent the last five years thinking about you and worrying about leaving college without making up with my best friend. I don’t think I could ever stop liking you,” Hyunjin confesses.

Seungmin’s eyelids flutter open in surprise. “Oh…me too.”

God, Seungmin will never get over that laugh. It makes his insides melt and his world bright.

Hyunjin makes his insides melt and his world bright.

“Do you think I can do it again?” Hyunjin asks.

Hyunjin’s thumbs are rubbing this little spot behind Seungmin’s ears and it’s kind of distracting because it feels nice.

“Do what?”

“You know…the thing.” If it were possible to hear Hyunjin smiling through his words, this would be it. Hyunjin has perfected the art of making Seungmin explode like a supernova.

“What thing? This thing?”

It’s Seungmin that leans in this time to lock their lips together. Hyunjin’s legs slowly straighten out and Seungmin somehow finds his way onto his lap, letting his legs wrap loosely around Hyunjin’s back and his arms circle Hyunjin’s torso. They move like water, fluid and natural.

This kiss is almost better than the first one, because of how close they are, physically and mentally. Hyunjin’s hands are on either side of his hips and Seungmin can feel all the warmth Hyunjin is emanating because Hyunjin is like the fucking sun and–  

And then the door opens and the light flickers on and Seungmin barely has time to register what the hell just happened when he hears Felix.

“Oh shit, sorry…Wait I thought you needed me to come save you. Why are you on Hwang Hyunjin’s lap and kissing him?”

“Wait, what? They’re kissing?”

Shit, Changbin too? Seungmin isn’t going to find a way out of this one.

“Close to making out, actually. Look at them! Clothes are about to come off!” Felix reports.

Seungmin finally pulls away, smacking Hyunjin lightly on the chest to get him to stop. “Shut up, Felix!”

Felix’s eyes widen. “Okay, okay, we’ll leave you to your canoodling.” He moves to shut the door, and Seungmin catches Changbin’s obnoxious, drunken voice yell, “I have to take a picture as evidence!” before it closes and Changbin’s voice becomes muffled protests.

Seungmin wants to melt into a pile of goo and disappear forever.

Instead, Hyunjin interrupts his thoughts. “Hi, you look like you’re glowing under this light.” He looks kind of dazed in Seungmin’s opinion, though he’s sure he doesn’t look all that great either. Nevertheless, the comment doesn’t fail to make Seungmin giggle like he’s nine and receiving Hyunjin’s Valentine. “When I saw you as I walked into the house earlier, I wanted to scoop you into my arms and hug you and never let go. You looked so cute in this sweater with the slightly lost look on your face.” He laughs when Seungmin buries his face into his chest, hiding his burning cheeks from view.

Seungmin combusts. He’s always felt too much but this really was too much.

Hyunjin’s arms wrap around his back, pulling him into a tight hug and tucking Seungmin under his chin. When he speaks, Seungmin can feel Hyunjin’s chest rumble slightly and his words sound deeper, closer. “Min, I know we always talked about forever when we were younger, but these past five years have got me thinking that even if I can’t promise forever, I would want to spend a really long time with you.”

“So a lifetime?”

His laugh sounds just as nice like this as it does when Seungmin doesn’t have his ear pressed up against Hyunjin’s chest. It does nothing to stop the pounding in his own chest.

“Aren’t they the same thing?”

“Forever means multiple lifetimes. Then you’d really get sick of me.”

Maybe it was the simplicity of his answer, or the way it sounded like something ten-year-old Seungmin would have said that makes Hyunjin hold him even closer, if it was even possible.

“I would never get sick of you.”

“There you go again with promises you can’t keep.”

“We’ve essentially gone through our entire lives together. I think that by now, we’re stuck together for life.”

“So, you’re promising forever.”

“Just this lifetime. Maybe the next if you’re up for it.”

Seungmin laughs. “Maybe.”

Hyunjin’s lips are in his hair and Seungmin feels like he’s hugging the sun. Bright, and warm, and burning with all the love and passion and energy in the world.

Seungmin wants to clarify that, first of all, if he had the choice, he would never have turned up at this party on his own will, and second, that he was dragged into this with intense protesting that went deaf on Felix’s ears. But as he sits on Hyunjin’s lap, wrapped up in Hyunjin’s arms in Han Jisung’s walk-in closet, Seungmin thinks he wouldn’t take this night back for anything in the world.