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It was cold.
Colder than a mid-September day should be. Realistically, Peter knew the cold he was feeling wasn’t from the weather. It was the kind of cold that comes from loss, the cold that seeps through your clothes and into your bones following the grief that comes with it.
But Peter was glad for the cold, it was the only reason he wasn’t completely breaking down. It may have been more than the chill causing violent shivers to wrack his body but the cool air helped clear his mind. Ever since the battle, his thoughts had been jumbled together, not dissimilar to the growing pile of clothes on his bedroom floor.
He remembered sobbing into his pillow until he threw up, the pain too fresh to ignore, his thoughts a mess threatening to take over. Now though, he could sift and sort through his emotions, pushing aside the scarier ones for a later date.
Letting himself feel everything head on had been a mistake.
He could still see the look of sadness on May’s face as she held him and willed his pain to go away. Whispering sweet words of encouragement into his ear.
“It’ll be alright Peter, everything always turns out alright in the end.”
He wished he could believe her. Still, the young vigilante wanted to be strong for his aunt, so he learnt to go out into the cold and trap all those feelings inside himself.
Unable to sleep, he stands on the roof of his apartment building watching the sunrise nearly every morning. As a warmth spreads over queens he prays for some of it to touch his body, to feel it in his toes or fingertips or maybe his face.
But it never reaches him, always just missing the boy.
It wasn’t until he finally faced Pepper that he started to actually feel something again.
At first it was bad, one look at the woman noticing the bags under her eyes and unkempt hair he let his feelings escape. Crying into her shoulder much like he did with May, he grieved for her, he grieved with her.
His thoughts trailed to the item she had hastily shoved into his hands, now sitting on his desk.
He couldn’t stop the memories from their encounter flooding into his mind:
~~~~~~~
Peter wiped the last remnants of tears from his face and pulled away from the woman’s embrace.
“I’m sorry”
“Oh, Peter” she sighed, “don't apologise, I understand. We all do.” She reached out a hand and placed it on his cheek.
Leaning into the touch he closed his eyes, hoping that if he pretended enough the hand would feel warmer and larger like it belonged to a different person.
But it didn't.
She pulled away.
“Would you like some tea?” Pepper asked, already moving to the kitchen to retrieve the kettle. Peter nodded, scared that if he opened his mouth he would cry again or say something wrong that would offend the woman.
They waited in surprisingly comfortable silence for the kettle to boil.
While pouring the boiling water into two mugs Pepper smiled sweetly at the boy, “you know, I have someone I want to introduce you to” she waved her hand through the air in a dismissive manner “formally, I mean.”
She was referring to the funeral. The thought seeped into his bones with the cold before he could stop it.
Shaking his head to rid himself of more feelings than he could handle, Peter stood up to meet Pepper in the kitchen taking a cup of tea from her hands and following her as she motioned for him to do so.
He waited a step behind Pepper as she knocked on a wooden door calling out the person inside “Morgan, I have someone here who would like to meet you.”
She opened the door and they walked into a room that resembled that of a young girl’s, realising that was because it belonged to a young girl took Peter longer than he thought it should have.
A girl, Morgan he reminded himself, no older than four sat on her bed playing with dolls that closely resembled his own heroes. He remembered seeing this girl at the funeral, standing beside Pepper and later Happy and Rhodey in a black dress to match her mothers.
This is Tony’s daughter, Peter thought.
“Morgan,” Pepper knelt down to the girl’s eye level and Peter followed her without thinking “this is Peter, he worked with daddy.” she said. The much younger girl looked at Peter for a second, studying him in a way that only one other person ever had, looking for a sign of familiarity in his face.
Suddenly, she smiled brighter than the sunrise “You’re from daddy’s photos!” She said and Peter felt himself frown in confusion.
Morgan didn't seem to catch on so Pepper explained for her “Tony kept a couple of framed photos of you two in the house, he never really got over what he lost. As happy as he was with the life we built we both knew he couldn’t rest properly knowing you weren’t out there somewhere.” She smiled sadly, “and that he could bring you back.” She added.
Peter felt as though the breath had been knocked out of him, he willed himself to take a deep steadying breath and turned back to the young girl.
“Yeah, I guess I am” he replied, smiling softly. “Do you want to play with my dolls?” She asked and a frustrated look crossed her youthful face, “Everyone else that comes always leaves really quick and doesn’t have time to play.”
She paused, in thought “Except for uncle Happy or uncle Rhodey but they kinda suck at dolls.”
The older two of the three chuckle “Well,” Pepper says “It’s supper time so we have to eat now, but maybe you and Peter can play with your dolls after dinner” she suggested to Morgan.
Both standing up, she turned towards the teen and addressed him “you’re welcome to stay for dinner Peter, there’s plenty to go around. We would both appreciate a little company anyway.”
He thought she was offering more for him than anyone.
Peter looked down to the young girl seeing hope in her face and he nodded, clearing his throat “Of course I’ll stay and we can definitely play dolls, as long as I get to be Thor.” This brought a laugh out of all three and they headed back into the kitchen.
After getting to know the two over dinner and dolls, Peter waited as Pepper read Morgan a story so she would fall asleep, half dozing off himself on the plush couch.
He rose from the couch when he heard the sound of a door closing softly, “I guess I should go home now.” Peter moved to grab his coat where he had placed it over a chair. “My bus should be coming soon and I don't want to worry May by coming home too late” he added as an afterthought.
“Of course” Pepper responded, “I don't want to keep you.” They both stood still for a second, just watching each other unable to fill the silence that entered the room.
She stepped forward first, arms reaching out to comfort the boy in a way only a mother could. He met her halfway and melted into the embrace, Peter decided then that he liked hugs.
Pepper pulled away suddenly, “I almost forgot!” She gasped moving past Peter to a closet near the stairs. Digging around for a few seconds, she found what she was looking for: a small metal box that had a single button on the side. Thrusting it into the boy’s hands she said “Tony left this for you, he made one for the rest of us but yours is separate. I haven’t watched it but I think it might help you process all of this.”
He looked down at the small device in confusion, watch?, “Just place it on a desk or chair and press that button” pepper explained giving the boy one last quick hug before shooing him out the door “You don't want to be worrying your aunt more than necessary” she said.
He shoved the box into his pocket and began walking to the bus stop, pausing for a moment to turn back and thank the woman for her hospitality. She smiled once again in the strength that he knew was only Pepper Potts Stark, and repeated herself from earlier “Of course, you’re always welcome here Pete.”
Peter’s heart clenched at the nickname
“You’re a part of the family now.”
~~~~~~~
Smiling at the memory, Peter pulled the coat tighter to his body.
The boy walked back inside, having finally decided to watch whatever was in that strange metal box on his desk. He sat down on his bed, facing the box head on and leant forward to press the button.
A second passed and nothing happened, panic spread through Peter as he thought maybe it had been damaged from sitting untouched for so long. Then, as if it were a miracle, the box flickered to life and the young vigilante almost jumped back in surprise as a blue hologram of his mentor was projected in front of him.
The man appeared to be kneeling on the floor right in front of Peter and he couldn’t fight a few tears escaping at the sight of the man who had become a father figure to him.
Then he began to speak, in typical Tony Stark fashion “Hey kiddo, didn’t think I’d leave you without saying goodbye right?” This caused a loud laugh to erupt from Peter, surprising him enough to stop other tears from falling.
“I've never been good with expressing my feelings, and maybe Morgan has made me soft but I need to get this out now while I know I still can. So it may come out a little weird.” He took a deep, shaky breath. “I once told Pepper that I’m not known for my sentimentality, for my attachment to objects or places and especially not people. Clearly, I have proved myself wrong.”
“I literally could not have fathomed ever becoming a mentor to a young, reckless New York vigilante but here we are. I also didn’t think I’d get so damn attached to you. But still, you wiggled your way into my life and I think I realised too late that somewhere along the way you and that hot aunt of yours became like family to me.”
Peter rolled his eyes at the hot aunt comment, falling into routine Peter-Tony banter like behaviour.
“And I want to thank you for teaching me patience and kindness, for teaching me to be a better role model and father.” Peter could swear his heart stopped for a second at that last word.
“I wasn’t so scared to be a father when Morgan came round cause I already knew what to do and what not to do. There’s a little grey area I think you’re familiar with.” He smiled at that.
“You know, someone once told me not to waste my life, so I didn't. I changed my ways, stopped manufacturing weapons, became a fricken superhero and even made a few friends along the way.” An almost bitter-sweet smile appeared on the man’s face at that “I lived my happily ever after and still came back to save the world” He proclaimed.
His eyes trailed down to the ground in a very un-tony stark way “At least that’s what people will be told.” His eyes suddenly met Peter’s and it was as if the man was right there in front of the boy like he had never left.
“But really Pete, that sacrifice wasn’t for the whole world, just three of them. Pepper, Morgan.. and you.” He admitted.
Peter felt a swell of emotion in his chest and he inhaled on reflex, feeling like he might burst.
Hologram Tony made a sweeping motion with his hand “Rhodey and Happy are already protecting themselves, lord knows they protected me more times than I can count. But I needed to know for sure that Pep and Morgan and you would be safe.”
He took another deep breath, “And if you’re watching this than I succeeded. We succeeded.”
“You are so good Peter Parker, you are better than me, better than all of us probably and you’ll come to see that one day too. Soon, I hope. The world is yours to protect now. Yours to live in and experience and love.”
The older man shook his head “Life is gonna beat you down so many times kid, but you're gonna get back up with that stubbornness that I know you have and keep going, keep loving, keep learning and living because its all we have as humans.”
The man smiled, and Peter could tell it was his way of saying goodbye. Somehow, he placed his hand on the boy’s shoulder and even though, logically, Peter knew he wasn’t really there, he swore he could feel that familiar warmth.
“If I’ve learnt anything, if this life has taught me anything it is that life is precious, please don't waste it. I love you Pete.”
And with his parting words, the hologram flickered and fizzled out, taking Tony Stark with it.
~~~~~~~
Later, Peter stands on the roof knowing he was watching the sunrise for the last time in a long time as the warmth of the sun finally bled into his hands and up his arms, filling his heart with something that felt like hope.
The young hero would sleep well tonight.
But for now, he smiles and allows himself to feel, completely living in the moment. Pulling the Spiderman mask over his face and stepping out onto the edge, he turns around so his back is facing the city he calls home.
Okay Tony, he thinks, I won’t waste it. And for the first time in a long time, he falls.