Archive of Our Own

"death is the only thing in life that's infinite"
"you always seem so interested in death isn't that weird?"
"do you think it's weird?"
"weird? no. but it's not really a good thing to think about don't you think?"
"I don't know. I think death can be peaceful. to finally find rest. maybe even find heaven. people are afraid of death because they think everything ends with it. but what if, in reality, it's the start to something so much better than what we have right now?"
"don't you like what we have right now?"

He could have seen it coming. But who would willingly even think about the possibly of something like that happening?

He still blames himself. 'What could I have done differently? What if I had listened more? What if.... what if.....' in the end it doesn't matter. What's done is done and can't be changed.

They've known each other since they've been small enough to still fit inside these weird baby swings on the playground just at the end of the street. 
It wasn't like they ever declared that they were friends. They just were and everyone knew that.

So when they grew up and Mark got into school one year earlier, him being one year older, little Donghyuck threw a fit until Mark promised him they would still play together every day when he got back from school.
Donghyuck accepted with a lot of tears running down his cheeks.
(he was secretly very proud of having an older friend who was already learning how to write and read)

When he got into school one year later, he found himself friends that were his age. Those friends came in form of a boy with the brightest eyesmile called Jeno and beautiful and intelligent Jaemin.
Donghyuck of course never forgot about Mark. They've spent every free minute together.
Having sleepovers every weekend. Spending lunch break together with their other friends, so that Donghyuck also got to meet Xuxi. A boy from marks class, that was already way to tall but the softest person he has ever met.
He sometimes cried way too easily and Jaemin always consoled him despite being a year younger than him.

When Mark and Lucas got into middle school, donghyuck already handled the change better than when mark first had to "leave" for another school.

In front of his 3 other friends (in 3rd grade they met renjun who moved from China to Korea and since Jaemin was always very confident he just declared, renjun was going to join they're little gang) he pretended to be strong and not bothered by the fact that mark went to another school now and probably met new people and wasn't there for him until afternoon to meet up.

But secretly he had a really hard time coping with that. Mark was his strongest pillar in his life, he needed him more than anything else. And even though they still saw each other a lot, Donghyuck was afraid. 
Nobody would understand, Mark was never gone. Donghyuck himself couldn't understand.

Still middle school was great. For both of them. Donghyuck got over his little sadness the moment he and jeno, Jaemin and Renjun also got to go to the same school as Mark and Xuxi.

They had fun in school, they spend every summer together, eating ice cream, going swimming and riding their bikes.
But of course there was still high school, so there was another change in Donghyuck's life.
At this point he realised that he just wasn't someone who had an easy time accepting any kind of changes in life. The smallest kind of differences always seemed to take a big toll on him. Fortunately nothing big ever happend in his life and with the help of his friends and marks promise to not change in this one year they were going to be apart again while school hours he quickly got into freshman year himself.

But we all know high school can be weird.
It's supposed to just be a different school like the change from elementary to middle school, but something for Donghyuck changed. Or maybe it's always been there. And this last change of school was the one thing that cracked something open in him. Nobody will ever know.
Just that it happened and that it can't be changed.

~

- 20 days

"Hey Hyuck what are you gonna do this summer break?"

Mark asked while playing with the hem of shirt, lying in the backyard of donghyucks house and enjoying the sun on his face.

"Don't know. my parents have work so I'm gonna stay at home." Donghyuck sat a few feet away from him on a chair and read a book.

"Then I'm gonna stay here too. My parents may be gone for 2 weeks but I'm just gonna move in with you." He said with smile on his face, looking at Donghyuck with half closed eyes, the sun to bright to open them whole.

"hmm do that" was the only reply he got.

"You alright?" Mark asked "You seem so quiet today, if someone should be sad that's me. This is going to be my last summer break before college. You still have a year more"

'Right, college' Donghyuck thought. He put his book aside, let his lips curl up into a beautiful smile and stood up, walking over to where mark was lying down.

Sensing the presence above him, mark opened his eyes only to be met with the face of the person he was in love with. Yes, he was in love with donghyuck.
There was no point in denying that. He knew it since his own sophomore year, Xuxi knew it a few weeks later, when mark nearly exploded and needed to tell someone about it (Donghyuck himself was out of the picture he was to much of a coward to tell him that).

Even Hendery and Renjun knew. They cornered him one day, after seeing too many times how mark sometimes stared at donghyuck like he was the whole world.       (to Mark he was)

Hendery only knew him since start of high school when they got together in the same class but he wasn't blind. So after being asked by hendery and stared down by Renjun at he same time, he gave up. Shoulders sinking and head dropping he told them about his feeling for his best friend.
He made them promise not to tell anyone, to which they both agreed. Jaemin and Jeno were to lost in each other's eyes to realise something as obvious as mark being in love with Donghyuck.

So even though Mark was a coward who would never directly confess to donghyuck he still hoped he could get the message over to him through actions.

That's why he smiled up at Donghyuck, hooked his feet behind his knees and brought him down on the ground with him. Donghyuck's eyes widened and with a little yelp he fell down half on top of mark.

"You should relax a bit more you know that right?" Mark asked while putting his arms around his best friend.

Donghyuck just hummed and snuggled closer to mark.

He always was one for skinship and cuddles. Mark felt his heart missing a beat at that. He looked down at donghyuck and a satisfied smile blossomed on his face. god he was so whipped for the boy in his arms.

Donghyuck brought so much light into his world. With his bright personality, his laugh just everything about him made mark the happiest person alive.

"For real tho, you seem a bit out of it the last few weeks?" Mark asked again.

Donghyuck clenched his fist at marks shirt "It's nothing, I'm probably just overreacting because I'm going to be a junior next year, you know I don't like changes."

Mark sat up a bit so that Donghyck half in his lap. He took donghyucks chin in his hand and tilted it upwards to look him in the eyes

"Hey, you know I'll always be there for you. You don't have be afraid of minor changes like that. You have good grates so there's nothing to worry about."

He said to the younger while putting a lose strand of hair behind his ear with his free hand. Donghyuck leaned into the touch. Until he sudden fliched away. Mark was confused.

"Sorry." he just said.

"No it's okay." Donghyuck said "I just don't wanna talk about it. I know I'll get over it, so let's enjoy this Sunday before school starts again."

Donghyuck got up and extended his hand for mark to take. He pulled the older up until they stood right in front Of each other.

"Oh by the way I'm definetly taller than you" Mark teaser with a smirk on his face.

"Oh shut up, doesn't make you anything better so stop bragging. You're still smaller than jisung and he's your little brother." The (slightly) smaller one hit Mark on the chest and turned around to walk inside the house.

"Yah" Mark called after him "Jisung is a tree and we all know that."

"Sure, keep telling yourself that Markie" Donghyuck ran off right after that with laugh bubbling out of him. Knowing all to well that the older hated that name.

Mark let out a groan and ran after him "come here you ungrateful child" he yelled.

Donghyuck laughed and sprinted up the stairs into his room, only to be tackled down by his friend so they both fell onto his bed. They stilled for a second.
Until donghyuck saw that wicked smile on marks face and felt his hands on his waist

"No no no no, mark please no no no!" he yelped when mark started tickling him.

Donghyuck screamed as if he was tortured but mark didn't stop.

"Stop mark please, hyung please!" at that mark stopped immediately.

"You never call me that, you know?!" mark said. Donghyuck stared into his eyes, getting lost in them for a second before pulling himself back. he grinned.

"You still love me thought"

Marks smile vanished for a second "Yeah I do" was all he said to that.

- 18 days

"Could you please stop giggling and staring into each other's eyes all the time? Other people are trying to eat here."

Renjun let out an exaggerated groan at Jeno and Jaemin, who were seated beside one another so close, as if they were glued together.

"As much as I support you two Renjun has a point" Hendery commented.

Xuxi hummed in agreement. The three easily became best friends after meeting through Donghyuck and mark. Often immersed in their own conversation none of the others could join, when they talked way to fast in mandarin.

Jeno and Jaemin became a thing not to long ago, at one of Xiaojun's infamous partys. Everyone kind of saw it coming so when they came to their usual table holding hands on Monday morning, mark just let out a "finally", while Xuxi congratulated them and donghyuck and hendery smiled warmly at them.

"Xiaojun is hosting another party this friday, kind of like a 'goodbye school' party since we only have 2 weeks of school left." Hendery informed the others.

Jaemin looked away from jeno for what felt like the first time this day "another one?" he asked "well I'm not complaining, we should all go" the brown haired boy shrugged his shoulders.

"I'm in" was the united reply he got from around the table.

"Great" Renjun smiled "We should enjoy this summer to the fullest until the old ones leave for college" he playfully bumped his shoulders at xuxi and Hendery who sat beside him.

"Who do you call old, you baby?!" Hendery let out while faking hurt. Widing his eyes and putting a hand above his heart. Renjung just grinned at him. "Don't worry hyung, we all get there one day."

"Hey Hyuck wanna go together? You could come over before and sleep at mine after the party. My parents are on a trip over the weekend and Jisung is sleeping over at Chenles" Mark turned to the younger in a lower voice.

"Yeah sure. Just be prepared in case I get too drunk" the orange haired boy said with a sly smile.

"Promise" the older said.

Xuxi and Jeno stood up "We gotta blast, training starts soon and I need to talk to coach before" Xuxi said "Hyuck you coming?" Jeno added.

All three of then were part of the basketball team, while Jaemin and Hendery played soccer.
Renjun was more of an artsy kind of person and mark,, well Mark had his music. Another thing he shared with Donghyuck. Their love for music.

"Sure" Donghyuck answered, getting up he put a hand on marks shoulder.

"See you later" he said in almost in whisper, then ran off after the other two boys.
Mark watched until the form of his best friend disappeared behind the building. Renjun raised a brow at him.
'Don't ask me, I don't know' Mark said with his eyes.

Mark met Donghyuck at the school gate after their last period was over.

"Hey"

"Hey"

It was silent for a moment.

"So the party on friday" mark started " you wanna come over at 5? We could eat and get ready together and then meet the others at xiaojuns at 9"

"Sounds like a plan" the smaller responded. "I have no idea what to wear tho" he added.

"You could always look through my things if you wanted to" Mark offered, when they got into his car.
"We'll see"

When they got out of the car in front of marks house, donghyuck suddenly hugged mark tightly.

"Thank you" he breathed out.

Mark furrowed his eyebrows yet hugged the younger back just as tight. "Not that I don't appreciate it, but what for?" he asked when he pulled away.

"Just for driving me to school every day, lending me your clothes, just always being there for me" Donghyuck said looking mark in the eyes.

There was something in Donghyuck's eyes, that mark hadn't seen before. A shift or a glow of colour.
He couldn't really say what it was. It kind of fightend him.

Mark was always, always able to read donghyuck like the back of his hand. Knew him better than himself, saw something coming up from within the younger before anyone else could. But at this day, right at this second he couldn't. Didn't know what that shimmer in his eyes ment.

But as fast as it was there as fast was it gone again. So he tried not to think about it anymore.

Maybe that was the first mistake.

The older ruffled donghyucks hair. "First of all you're my best friend of course am I always gonna be there for you. Second of all, your house is 200 meters away from mine of course am I gonna drive you to school. I'm not an asshole"

"Right" Donghyuck said, now with a smile on his face "See you tomorrow".

Eith that he ran the way up to his house and disappeared behind the door. Mark chuckled to himself "This boy"

- 16 days

"You should really do something about that crush of yours" Xuxi said to mark during chem class on Thursday.

"And the party tomorrow is the perfect chance for that" Hendery added.

Mark let his face hit the desk and groaned. His two friends just snickered. "I know" the black haired's words were muffled due to his face being squished on his school book. "And I really want to, I just don't know how" He looked at xuxi with a desperate expression.

"Tell me what to do" he pleaded the taller.

"You're a useless gay. But even you deserve a chance for love" he said.

"Thanks" mark growled with a frown on his face.

"Didn't you said he would sleep over at yours after the party?" Hendery asked from the other side.

"Yeah, my parents and brother are gone so I have the house to myself"

"Just tell him when the two of you are alone. If you want you can prepare a rose or anything like that"

Mark looked back at Xuxi. "Ever the romantic aren't you?!" he laughed

"Hey, don't ask me if you won't take my advise" Xuxi defended himself.

"No truth to be told, it's a good plan. I think I'll let out the rose but I'm gonna tell him when we're alone" Mark smiled to himself at the thought of being able to call donghyuck his, to hold his hand, spend even more time with him, getting called 'his boyfriend', to kiss him.
Even though he was still hella afraid of messing up their friendship if the younger didn't felt the same.

'But he never said anything about a crush on someone else. and never rejected mark in any form of skinship' mark thought.

"Stop thinking, I can hear you worrying" hendery scolded

"He's right mark, Hyuck loves you. I've known the both of you since 2rd grade. He never looks at anyone of us the same way he looks at you. So tell him how you feel. You both deserve that" yukhei said with a sincere smile on his face.

Mark was so happy to have a friend like him.

"Oh and by the way don't you dare think about bed activities" xuxi added "I love you but hyuck is like my little brother at this point so control your hormones"

Mark's face was as red as a tomato. He couldn't even form a whole sentence to defend himself. Yukhei and Hendery just laughed at his misery.

~

Donghyuck was afraid, so fucking afraid of himself.
He couldn't understand what was happening and why he was thinking that way.
All he knew was that he was afraid.
Of hurting himself, of hurting others.
Of hurting the people he loved.
Of hurting mark.
Mark was always the last thought that came to his mind while drawing the across his arm. But always the one that ripped him out of his trance.
The one that sent him to straight panic when he looked at what he had done.
The thought of mark was the one that stopped him from going any further.

He stopped, holding his arm under the stream of warm water.
It burned.
But it was supposed to wasn't it?
He tried chasing that thought away, because why would he do that?
It's not like anything bad ever happened to him.
He had friends, average grades, a happy family but still felt like he didn't belong.
Like he wasn't made to live.
Life itself was such a big obstacle.
Going to school, socialising, deciding what kind of job you wanna do later on.
Donghyuck felt like he wasn't capable if living.
It seemed so easy to others but so hard to himself.
Yet he didn't want to give up.
Maybe it would get easy for him to at one point.
He just had to push until he had reached that point right?!

- 15 days

"Can I have this shirt" Donghyuck asked mark.

The older turned around on his bed so he could see what donghyuck was holding up. "Sure, but don't you think long sleeves will be to warm on a party. also it's almost summer, so no need for that"

Mark himself was dressed in a black, short sleeved shirt with a big red printing on it, paired with light washed dark ripped jeans. He looked hot if you asked donghyuck.

"Maybe, but I really like this shirt so fuck heath" Donghyuck said while turning around to walk out.

"Where are you going" mark asked, furrowing his brows.

"Out. To change" the smaller said in a 'duh' tone.

Mark was confused, but didn't press any further. They always changed in front of each other, what was the sudden problem with that.

Donghyuck came back 20 minutes later, dressed in marks bright orange shirt, with black shiny pants and his orange hair slightly messy.
Mark almost choked when he saw the younger.

"You look great" he tried to let it sound as casual as possible.

"Thanks hyung" donghyuck said and let himself plop beside mark on the bed.

Mark turned on his side to look at him. With Donghyuck now being so close, Mark could make out the faint eyeshadow the other had put onto his eyelids.
He sparkled even more now.
Donghyuck lay beside him, eyes closed, chest heaving up and down with gentle but deep breathes. To mark he was the most beautiful thing in the world.
So effortlessly wonderful, ethereal and shining.

"You know that we don't have to go if you're too tired" mark said after a while. It almost looked as if the younger had fallen asleep.

"Nope" donghyuck opened his eyes and got up. With a smile in his eyes he pulled mark off the bed

"The others are waiting and I wanna get drunk tonight" he said.

The raven haired boy laughed  "Right and I have to watch over you again"

"Yup, but that's what friends are for. You know you love me anyway"
Mark smiled "yeah I do"

The music was blasting through the whole house, too many people and the smell of alcohol and nicotine very present. But it's a high school party so what did you expect?

Mark and donghyuck arrived 10 minutes after 9pm. They were greeted by xiaojun, he's in marks year, host of the party and his parents put way to much trust and money in his hands.
Still, he was a good person.

"Hi Mark" he screamed over the music.

"Hey" mark screamed back "Great party as always. This is Donghyuck by the way. He was at your last party as well" he said pointing to his best friend.

"Of course I know him" xiaojun answered with a smile "He's to pretty to go unnoticed"
Mark felt a very tiny ping of jealousy blooming in his chest when he saw how donghyuck just hugged the other boy as a greeting. But xiaojun quickly pulled away

"Drinks are in the kitchen, take what you want, should be enough for everyone"

"Thanks we'll look for our friends first tho. Have you seen hendery or nomin somewhere?" Donghyuck asked the older.
The Chinese male shook his head. "Hendery, no idea but I saw xuxi and renjun in the kitchen last, so he shouldn't be far away"

"Thanks again" Mark answered shortly, taking donghyucks hand and dragging him to the kitchen.
Right as a obviously already drunk yukhei stumbled out the kitchen door. Renjun right behind trying to keep his much taller body in a standing position.

"MARK! DONGHYUCK!" the tallest of the four yelled when he saw his two friends walking towards them.
Renjun looked almost crushed under yukheis weight.

After mark saw the pleading look in the blondes eyes he rushed to xuxis side, helping renjun in bringing him to safety which came in form of a couch near by.

"Thanks" renjun breathed out "I don't think I could have handled this big baby any longer"

Donghyuck sat next to xuxi, the older instantly snuggling into his arms. "Big baby would be the right way to describe him" the red head laughed.
Yukhei was like a lap dog that wasn't aware of his own size.

"Where hendery?", he asked renjun.

"That bastard left us the moment xiaojun invited him to play some kind of drinking game" Renjun replied with a scoff. "I swear he has a crush on that boy."

Mark furrowed his eyebrows "I thought he was straight"

"I think he is bi" donghyuck replied.

"I think Xiaojun has a boyfriend, so it doesn't matter" renjun conterned.
Donghyuck just shrugged his shoulders "I still have to get drunk so could either of you get me a drink or we join this drinking game you talked about."

"I vote for drinking game" a familiar voice behind them said.
The three boys turned their heads to the source of the voice, seeing Jaemin and jeno walking up to them.

"Oh hell no" renjun and mark both immediately said.
"you're no fun" Jaemin complains, a pout on his lips. He turns to his boyfriend and Jeno just knew what the boy in front of him wanted.

"Sure we can go, let's play a drinking game" he takes the youngers hand and drags him upstairs. Jaemin, now with a smile on his face, follows him with a skip in his step.

"Sometimes I think it's not healthy how whipped jeno is for him, but then I remember it's the same the other way around so they should be fine" Donghyucks says from where he is still sat in the couch, Lucas still in his arms.

"Okay xuxi as much as I love you, I wanna get drunk so get your ass off me" he says while patting said persons back.

Xuxi's suddenly back to life, springing to his feet and pulling donghyuck up by his hands. "Let's get you something to drink"

It's 3 hours later when mark and donghyuck stand together in the kitchen again, both definetly tipsy but still able to dance without falling to the floor.

"How many drinks did you have?" mark asked the younger while filling his own with vodka. Or is it rum, he can't really remember the name of the brand.

"3 cups full of whatever you're drinking and to many shots to count"

"It still surprises me how you can drink that much and not be dead."

Donghyuck laughs and shakes his head. "No mark, you're just a lightweight"

The older shrugs, tilting his head back and drowning the whole cup as if to prove a point "I'm gonna stop now either way, I promised to take you home safe."

Donghyuck looks at him with something between adoration and amusement. "You know, you don't have to take it that seriously. We can take care of each other. don't miss out on something just because of me, I'm not worth it"

There it was again, that little shimmer of something on donghyucks eyes that mark was yet to understand. He takes a step closer to the smaller boy. Lifting his hand and stroking his cheek mark leans in closer and looks his best friend deep in the eyes.

"This is not even that important, you're what's important and you're worth everything to me."

Donghyuck closes his eyes and shakes his head, marks hand losing contact to his face.

"Don't say something like that when you're drunk, and especially not to me"

Mark looks at him with confusion written all over his face. He may be tipsy but he's not drunk enough to say things he doesn't mean. And clearly not drunk enough to not see the hurt flashing over donghyucks face.

Donghyuck looks back, his eyes clear but almost empty. The older lifts his hand again his thumb gently caressing the others jaw.
He could swear he's seen donghyucks eyes watering, but he blinks and the other looks fine again.

Okay so maybe he is drunk, but he had a plan for tonight and he's not gonna abandon that. So he let's his hand fall down again to grab donghyucks hand in his own, intertwining their fingers.

The smaller looks confused for a second, until mark smiled at him,

"There's something important I have to do, let's go home"

Donghyuck follows him wordlessly out of the house.
Their friends will be fine he thought. Jaemin and jeno had each other and renjun and yukhei were dancing with yuqi and yeji the last he saw them.

Mark doesn't let go of his hand until they're in front of marks house and mark has to let him go in oder to open the door. Mark smiles at donghyuck over his shoulder, turning around again to go inside the house,
Closing the door after donghyuck got through the front door as well.

They stare at each other, it's completely quiet in the house. It's so quiet Mark's afraid the other can hear his heart beating way to fast and way to hard.
But donghyuck just stares at him, not sure what to expect.

Breaking the silence mark clears his throat and moves over to the couch, sitting down, his hands folded neatly in his lap. Donghyuck sits down next to him, he still hasn't said word since mark dragged him out of xiaojuns kitchen.

"So I- I wanted to tell you something but" mark clears his throat again, suddenly feeling like there isn't enough oxygen in the air.
"I couldn't- no didn't want to tell you at the party" donghyucks looks more than confused now. But he's still silent.

Mark takes that as a sign to keep going. "Okay this is harder than I thought it would be." He chuckles but more to calm his own nerves.

He feels like his heart is going to burst out if his rib cage at this point. He just can't deciffer if it's because of fear, fear of being rejected, nervousness, nervousness of having to be completely honest about his feelings or because of love, love for this very human being right in front of him.

"I-" he starts again "I want to tell you how much you mean to me."
Donghyucks eyes still look the same, like he's listening but taking really long to process what mark even says. The older takes his hands in his and looks him deep in the eyes.

"I'm in love with you. I'm in love with you lee donghyuck and I think I've been in love with you for at least 2 years now but I was too much of a coward to tell you before.
Too afraid of the chance that me admitting my feelings would ruin our friendship, because I couldn't stand the thought of losing you-" he's full on rambling now "- but I had to be honest, so please just tell me if you don't feel the same. It's okay of you don't, I mean sure it would be nicer of you did but you not feeling the same way would never ruin our frie-"

"No." donghyuck cut him off, pulling his hands out of marks grasp. He looked at mark with strained eyes.

"No what? hyuck tell me I can't understand with just a no. No, you don't want me in that way or-"

"No" donghyuck just says again. He's standing up now taking a step away from mark. Pain starts to take over marks chest.

"Hyuck please don't go." He's feeling the tears rimming his eyes now. Maybe he shouldn't have said anything, Maybe he should have stayed quiet.

"Hyuck it's totally fine if you don't feel the same, you don't have to like me in that way just because I do-"

"No." He says for the third time this night.
Mark feels the first tear run down his cheek.
"You're wrong. I do feel that way about you. I love you more than anything else in this world." Donghyuck says, he's crying too now.

Hope takes over marks heart.
"Then what's the problem Hyuck? I want us to be together" he takes a step closer to the younger, but the latter takes a step back instead.
Pain strikes marks heart again.

"Why are you stepping away from me Hyuck?" he wants to reach out so badly but it doesn't feel like the right thing to do so he keeps his hands at his side.

"Because you don't love me." Donghyuck says "You shouldn't and you can't, because I'm not someone to be in love with."

Marks brain is trying to register the words said by the other. They're both crying but mark doesn't want to give up. This is not right.

He takes big steps towards donghyuck, the younger flinching away and stepping back.

"Why would you say something like that hyuck?"

The older asks with a soft voice.

"I'm in love with you, wether you believe it or not."

Donghyucks back was against the wall by now, he couldn't go anywhere else. "But you can't! It's not possible!" the smaller let out desperately.

Mark didn't understand. Why was it so hard for Donghyuck to understand that he was in love with him? Donghyuck was always such a bright and happy person. Making all their friends laugh with his funny personality, with his witty remarks and confident behaviour. The Donghyuck he saw in front of him now, was not the Donghyuck he knew, the one he grew up with. he looked so sad and confused by himself.

He looked almost- almost broken inside.

"Please." Mark whispered "Let me love you."

Donghyuck whimpered at that, but the tears seemed to stop flowing down his cheeks. Mark was still shocked by the way Donghyuck looked in front of him.
So small and fragile but it didn't made him love him any less. If anything it made him want to protect him even more. Willing to try to find out where this sudden sadness came from.

But first he had to convince him. Convince him that he did love him. That they should be together.
Because even in all this sudden emotional chaos he still heard donghyuck saying that the younger felt the same way about him.

"Please" mark said again, lifting his hand and cupping donghyucks face in his hand, the other reaching out to hold his hand that hung limply at his side.

"I would never lie to you and you know that."

Donghyuck swallowed hard but didn't resent anymore.
Mark leaned his forehead against the youngers. Taking a deep breath and then opening his eyes again.

"Please look at me." he said.
Donghyuck did as he was told. Shifting his gaze upwards until he was met with Mark's. The younger still looked so confused and it pained mark to see him like that.
But he also saw love and hope in his eyes, at least he hoped he did. Slowly leaning in closer until he could feel the others breath ghosting over his lips, he looked at donghyucks eyes as if asking for permission.

"Let me love you." He said almost inaudible.

Donghyuck let out a deep breath, closing his eyes and clenching his fingers around marks hand.

Slowly, very slowly and very softly did mark let their lips meet.

It wasn't exactly like he imagined. No big fireworks going off, just feeling content and so very very like he belonged right there, with his hands on donghyucks cheeks and his lips on the other's.
Donghyuck still seemed tense so he started putting just the tiniest bit more of pressure against the others soft lips.
The younger finally seemed to relax now, right hand unclenching and left hand going up to rest against marks neck.

They both started to move their mouths just the slightest bit. Too afraid to do anything wrong. The kiss was so soft and so slow, mark couldn't imagine anything more perfect. He felt like melting right there and then especially when the younger started caressing his neck with his thumb.

He untangled his hand from donghyuck to draw his body closer by his waist, but leaning away from the kiss.
He couldn't stop the smile blooming on his face. Donghyuck opened his eyes right after him, smiling as well.

Mark looked at him with so much love and adoration in his eyes, donghyuck had a hard time doubting the words the older said to him just minutes ago, when he didn't want to understand them. Maybe mark could lover him, maybe he did really love him.

Seeing the faint streaks of tears on marks face, a sudden wave of guilt came over him. He made mark cry just because he couldn't believe his words. The corners of his mouth dropped, when he realised how he reacted to marks confession.

"I'm so sorry." he blurted out.

"What?" mark didn't understand. "Why are you apologizing hyuck?"

"I made you cry and had the worst reaction ever to your confession" he sobbed.
Mark frantically shook his head taking the smallers head into his hands tilting it upwards to look into his eyes again.

"No no no, never feel sorry for what you feel, okay?! Everything you feel is valid and should be respected",

"But I made you cry!" he protested.

"Yeah but so did I" mark smiled down at him.
"And besides that you also gave me the best first kiss I could have ever asked for"

"And so did you." Donghyuck smiled back at him.

"So we're even now." the raven haired joked, putting a lose strand of hair behind his ear.

"Almost" was the only answer he got before donghyuck pressed their lips back together.
Both their eyes fluttering shut at the touch, this time with much more pressure and movement as if donghyuck tried to make it up to mark that he was so confused at first.
Mark gladly took the opportunity to press his hands into the smaller waist and dragging the second kiss out a bit longer.

It was almost 3 am now and they both lay together in Mark's bed, Donghyuck's head laying on the older chest, drawing circles on his stomach.
Mark felt so happy in that very moment, a smile constantly on his face while his right hand rested on the youngers hip.

It was eerily quiet in the room, the only light being the stars that shone through the window beside his bed. the moment couldn't be more perfect.

But even so, mark couldn't forget how donghyuck first reacted to his confession. He wasn't mad, not the tiniest bit. He was more concerned about the look in the smaller's eyes when he said that mark shouldn't/couldn't love him.
It didn't make sense to him. Why would donghyuck feel like, he couldn't be loved in that way?
But mark didn't want to bring this up now. He didn't want to ruin the moment when donghyuck seemed so peaceful now.

So instead of saying something he shifted donghyuck to land a soft kiss against his lips. The younger immediately responded, pushing himself up a bit more to angle his face better.
Mark pulled away just a few centimetres.

"This may seem dumb now, but we're together right?!"

Donghyuck couldn't help the little chuckle that escaped him. he pressed a short peck to Mark's lips and looked at the boy under him again.

"Only if you want."

Mark replied by pulling him down again, kissing his lips and then laying him down, wrapping his arms around the smaller boy and kissing his head.
Donghyuck snuggled in his body and it wasn't long before they both fell asleep.

When Mark woke up a few hours later, with the most important person of his life in his arms, he felt the happiest that he ever did.
They spend the morning together eating breakfast and watching a movie in the living room.
Nothing much changed from before except the few stray kisses that mark gave the other all the while.

Mark never wanted this day to end, never wanted Donghyuck to leave. But he had to, his mother called him over for dinner and he left promising Mark that they would see each other Monday morning.
Mark kissed him one last time before letting him go.

The moment he couldn't see him anymore he fell down on the couch with a big sight and the biggest smile stretching across his face.

- 14 days

When Donghyuck got home his mother greeted him from kitchen.
"Hey hyuckie, dinner is ready sit down." He sat down silently.

"Is everything alright? Did you and Mark fight or something? You're unusually quiet" She asked once she saw the look on her son's face. Donghyuck looked up, putting a smile on his face. It definetly didn't reach his eyes.

"No everything's fine, I'm just a bit tired because we stayed up so long."

They ate dinner mostly in silence, his mother just asking the regular questions.

'How is school', 'Are his friends alright', 'When they will get their final grates'.

"Oh by the way hyuck, you already knew that but your dad and I are gonna be gone the first 3 weeks of summer break and Yuta will only be here for the first, spending the rest with sicheng in China." His mother told him when they put away the plates, "so you'd be alone for 2 weeks. Maybe you spend some time at Mark's or Jeno's, that would be great."

Donghyuck nodded, yes he already knew that. His parents had this trip planned for a long time, it was important for his dad's job and they also wanted to have 'alone time' when both their sons were finally old enough.

Donghyuck was happy to see his brother again, even if it would be only for a week. He was already at university and had to move out, so they didn't get to see each other that often. He knew how much Yuta loved his boyfriend and Sicheng wanted nothing more than to show him his home.
So he wasn't mad at all. He even looked forward to being alone for some time.

When donghyuck laid in his own bed that evening he stared at the ceiling and his mind was swirling with to many things but at the same time it was quiet. Too quiet actually.

All he could think about was mark, it put a little smile to his face to think about the last night. The thought of mark set him on fire, burning from within him so much it was almost painful.
He remembered the look on Mark's face, how the older looked at him with which could only be described as true love. Donghyuck was not blind, he knew (now) how the other felt. And he felt it too, he loved mark with all his heart, wanted to give him the world, wanted to give him the best and all the things he deserved.

Which is why it also really hurt to knew he loved him. Donghyuck wasn't sure if he would be able to love mark the way he felt deep inside him.

- 12 days

Mark came to his house a little earlier than usual in Monday morning.

"Couldn't wait to see you," was the first thing mark said when donghyuck got into his car, leaning over to give him a small kiss.

The younger flinched a little and mark apologized almost instantly. "Dorry, I thought it would be okay, but if you don't wanna do this in public that's fine, I wasn't planning on kissing Ayou in school or something like that-" he said with a worried look on his face.

Donghyucks heart exploded into a million little pieces at that.
"No it's totally fine," he answered "I just wasn't expecting it. This is all still surprising to me and I have to get used to it. But the more you do it the faster I can get used to it." Donghyuck smirked a little and mark blushed before smiling again.

This was his donghyuck, the one he knew so well. The one that always had a glimmer in his eyes and was always a little flirty and never to shy to say what he thought.

"If that's what you want I'm not gonna myself, so be prepared," he said while leaning over and kissing the younger again. This time a little longer, with donghyuck responding to the kiss until they parted to breathe.

"As much as I love kissing you, we still kinda have to go to school so start driving honey," Mark flushed a little at the pet name, but started the car none the less and drove them to school.

Being one year apart they didn't have any classes together, so when they parted ways before first period they just promised to meet up at their lunch table as usual.
2hen mark arrived at their table everyone except his boyfriend (mark still couldn't believe he got to call him that now) was already present. Xuxi looked at him kind of expectant but mark only smiled and sat down, wanting to answer renjun who asked him where he hyuck went so suddenly on friday night. He never really got to answer that because the moment he opened his mouth he felt a hand on his shoulder and turned around only to have donghyuck press their lips together in a quick but firm kiss.

Mark froze and didn't move, even as donghyuck already pulled away to sit next to him as if nothing happened. Hendery and Xuxi just grinned while Jeno and Jaemin all but stuttered, both not getting out a whole sentence.

"WHAT THE FUCK?!" was the first thing that left jaemin's mouth and renjun just groaned, slapping his own forehead.

"How is it possible that we all knew, except you and your boyfriend?" he pointed a finger at the two with a raised brow. Jeno smiled sheepishly. "Yeah, I guess we were a bit blinded."

"I still wanna know how it happened tho," Yukhei said, looking at mark and donghyuck again.
Before mark could say anything donghyuck opened his mouth to answer the others.

"He took me home after the party, confessed, I confessed back, we kissed, he asked me out and I stayed the night, went home the next day and now we're here." Donghyuck took the older's hand and looked at him lovingly.

While the others cooed renjun made tiny fake gagging noise. "That's all really cute but please don't be like these two love-idiots over there" He nodded to Jaemin and jeno "One pda-couple is enough for this group."

"No promises made," Donghyuck said with a wink and kissed mark on the cheek. Mark smiled at him, although the smile was a bit strained. How donghyuck described their Friday night wasn't a lie, but also not the while truth. But mark understood why the younger didn't mention the whole crying and breakdown part, the others didn't need to know that. They were happy now weren't they?!
Mark's thoughts got interrupted by the hendery's next question.

"Since this is the last week of school, what are you all doing in summer break?"
"I'm going to spend the last half of summer break in china," renjun answered, xuxi looked up at that.

"Really?" he said "Maybe we'll have the same flight"
"Hyuck your birthday is in 4 weeks, we should plan something," Jaemin said.

Donghyuck shook his head little, "No need for that, I don't want to have big party or something like that."

Jaemin protested. "But hyuck is your birthday, that's important."
Jeno pulled his boyfriend closer to his side, 

"Jaems, let him be if he doesn't want to. we can still have a this time together, it's his birthday after all."

Donghyuck threw him a thankful glance, holding short eye contact with his friend.
"We still have to survive this last week of school anyway, let's focus on that first," Renjun said while standing up.

"First of all that and second of all, I'm more excited to see yuta hyung again. He's coming home for a few days before flying to China with Sicheng."

Yukhei and Renjun looked at Donghyuck after that.
"Please invite me over when he's home, hyuckie." xuxi pleaded, he really admired yuta and his brother always had some kind of soft spot for the tall boy. Even though yuta was smaller than yukhei he seemed to be one of the few people to be able to keep up with his exploding energy.

"Me too," renjun added "I wanna see sicheng hyung again"

Donghyuck nodded at the two as confirmation
"Oh and hyuck can you come with me for a second?" Renjun asked him directly
"Sure," the other answered

"be right back." he said to his boyfriend and let go of his hand. Mark's hands felt cold immediately.

"You know that I'm really happy for you, for the both of you, right?" The brunette started, " I know it doesn't always seem that way, with the jokes I make and all that, but you mean a lot to me and I just want you to be happy."

Donghyuck nodded, "I know junnie" 

"You and mark are perfect for each other, don't let anyone tell you otherwise. Take your time in loving each other but don't be afraid to show how you truly feel, wether it's good or bad."
Renjun always sounded so wise beyond his age, so sincere and Donghyuck knew that despite his snarky remarks that he loved their little group with all his heart and would protect them at any cost.

"Also... please don't ever hesitate to talk to me about any problems you have. You know I won't pry any further than you want to tell me but I can tell that something is going on. I'm here for you."

Donghyucks froze for a second at that. How did the other knew? He always thought he would hide everything perfectly. The orange haired boy put the smile back on his face and hugged his friend tightly.

"I know jun and I'm so thankful for that. For you. I love you a lot and I'm fine, so don't worry about me."

- 10 days

On wednesday evening Mark and Donghyuck spend their time together in Mark's room.

Donghyuck felt safe in Mark's arms. 

"I wish we could stay like this forever." Mark's voice sounded sleepy above him.

"Wouldn't forever be a really long time?" The smaller said.

"Yeah but I think I'd still spend it with you." Mark responded with a soft voice. 

It was silent for a moment, Mark didn't know if it was too forward to say something like that.

After some time Donghyuck finally spoke again. "But that isn't really possible you know ?! What if someone died? It wouldn't be anyone's fault but the promised forever would still be gone."

Mark didn't really want to talk about a topic like that.

"That doesn't mean I would stop thinking about you or that we wouldn't feel like we're together." Mark tried turning Donghyuck around to look him into his eyes.

"Death is the only thing in life that's infinite." Donghyuck suddenly said.

"You seem so interested in death isn't that weird?"

"Do you think it's weird?" the younger asked him.

"Weird? Not really. But it's not really a good thing to think about don't you think?" The older asked him with a questioning gaze.

"I don't know. I think death can be peaceful. To finally find rest. Maybe even find heaven. People are afraid of death because they think everything ends with it. But what if, in reality, it's the start to something so much better than what we have right now?" Donghyuck seemed deep in thought about it. 

"Don't you like what we have right now?" 

Donghyuck looked at him and could almost see the hurt in Mark's eyes. He smiled and leaned down to press a quick kiss on Mark's lips.

"I do, but it's not wrong to always strive for something better, right?!"

"You're always so ambitious. I hope you're not gonna get bored of me." He joked. Then leaned up to also give his boyfriend a kiss.

"But yes, always do what's best for you."

-7  days

The last week of school passed by relatively quick. After receiving their end results for this school year they all went home on friday with big smiles one their faces.

Finally summer break.

Donghyucks parents left on Saturday so Mark (being the good boyfriend that he is) decided that he had to stay over so donghyuck wouldn't be so alone. The younger just rolled his eyes but pulled his boyfriend inside to watch a movie together.

Yuta was supposed to arrive on Sunday morning so they had the house for themself until then.
They agreed on just ordering pizza since mark wasn't the best cook and donghyuck just couldn't find in himself to leave to comfort that was his boyfriends arms to make something for them.

They spend the whole evening tangled together on the couch, watching the first 3 avengers movies until mark fell asleep under donghyuck.
He just felt to comfortable there on the couch. His boyfriend's body half on top of him radiating warmth and overall making him feel safe and sound.

Mark's eyes fell shut at around midnight, the even movement of his chest indicating that he had fallen into a slumber.

Donghyuck rose his head and just stared at Mark's sleeping form. He looked so peaceful and donghyuck wondered if he looked the same when he was asleep.

He rarely found deep sleep the last few months. Being kept awake by to many thoughts or awoken by dreams that he mostly doesn't even remember.

He wondered if Mark also dreamed, and if he did, what his dreams were about.

He continued to watch mark, feeling the little smile blooming on his face. God he was so in love with him. Donghyuck didn't even understand how that was possible, but he knew what he had to do.
He didn't allow a single tear to roll down his eyes.

Donghyuck kissed mark on the forehead ever so softly.

"I'm so sorry, I promise it'll be okay." he whispered.

The boy beneath him began to move a little, his eyes fluttering open trying to take in his surroundings. They both sat up and mark rubbed his eyes.

"What did I miss." He asked, his voice sleepy.

The credits were already rolling down the screen so donghyuck took the remote to turn of the tv.

"Not much, we both know how the movie ended and we both know it's sad."

"Yeah." Mark said with a little frown on his face. "Thanos is a real asshole, we really gotta watch endgame soon, I wanna know how they safe this disaster."

The younger nodded, taking Mark's hands and pulling him up the stairs to finally go to sleep.

-6 days

Donghyuck woke up to the sound of the front door opening and closing, hushed voices talking. He jolted up the bed, surprising mark who was still half asleep.

He almost got a panic attack until he remembered his brother coming home today.

Not caring about what he wore, he rushed down the stairs and ran straight into yutas chest hugging his brother tightly.

Yuta let out a small groan at the impact but closed his arms around his younger brother right away.

"Not that I'm complaining, but where does this sudden amount of affection come from?" he asked with a little chuckle.

"Nowhere, I just missed you." Donghyuck's reply was muffled by yuta's shirt since he was still hugging his brother.

After a good 3 minutes they parted and now donghyuck also saw Sicheng standing in the living room. He went over and gave him a little hug. Sicheng appreciated Donghyuck finally accepting that he wasn't a fan of constant cheek kisses and hugged him back with a small "Hi".

Hearing Yuta clear his throat behind him, Donghyuck turned around to see Mark staying at the end of the stairs.

"I think I know what's going on but please enlighten me if you want," his brother said.
Donghyuck walked over to Mark and took his hand in his.

"I have no clue how you realised that after like 5 minutes seeing as mark and I had so many sleepovers that we could also just move in together but yes." he said and mark nodded along.

Yuta threw his head back in laughter.

"I know because I'm your older brother and I've known the both of you since you were born so don't underestimate me." Yuta smiled fondly at the two.

"I approve by the way, we all saw it coming at one point."
He hugged Mark just as tight and felt happiness all through him, two of his favourite persons in the world finally getting what they deserve.

-2 days

The days spent with his brother were some of the best Donghyuck had in a long time. They went to an amusement park on Tuesday and on Thursday all their friends came over to have a little BBQ at their house.

Xuxi threw his arms around yuta the moment he saw him and looked really happy to see him again. Mark jokingly said he looked like a big puppy again. Yuta didn't seem to mind, embracing the younger in a hug.

Renjun and Sicheng spend a lot of time talking to each other since they hadn't seen each other for almost a year. They were both super happy to go back to China this summer and see their family's again.

Yuta also invited his childhood friends Doyoung (much to Jeno's delight) and Taeyong, who brought his boyfriend Jaehyun along.
They all finally got to meet Chenle, the boy Jisung couldn't stop talking about. He was a really sweet boy with a bright smile and really loud laughter that seemed to make Jisung's heart stop. Donghyuck could already see how whipped he was for the blonde boy and hoped everything would turn out alright for them.

He loved Jisung like an own brother and wanted the best for him.
They all spent a wonderful day and night together, laughing, playing games, eating and just enjoying their time together.

Donghyuck wanted to accompany Yuta and Sicheng to the airport on the next morning but his brother insisted that 6 am was too early for him, especially because it was already 2 am when the last person left their house saying goodbye.

Both Mark and Sicheng already went upstairs to give them both a moment alone.

Donghyuck once again slung his arms tightly around his brother, breathing in the familiar scent that he grew up with. It smelled like home. Yuta was home. They may have had some fights but that's what siblings do. In the end Yuta always had his back, he was the best big brother Donghyuck could have wished for.

"Thank you," he breathed out "Thank you for being such a great brother eben though I was such a brat sometimes."

Yuta laughed at that. "More times than not," he joked, thighening his arms around the smaller. "But it's okay, you know I love you. Just be who you are, there are a lot of people who love you exactly for that." he smiled down at him.

"I'm happy to see you and Mark finally together, he could be really good for you, so  don't get stuck in that little head of yours." He tapped Donghyuck on the head lovingly.
Donghyuck smiled back at him, a single tear rolling down his cheek. Yuta wiped it away with his finger.

"Hey, don't cry. I'm just gone for 3 weeks and then we can still spend a few days together before sicheng and I have to go back to University."

"Yeah, I know," Donghyuck said. "I'm just getting a little emotional these days."
They walked up the stairs together stopping in front of their doors that were right across the hallway. Donghyuck hugged his brother shortly one last time.

"I love you, thank you for everything."

"Bye," Yuta said to Donghyuck, opening his bedroom door. "See you in 3 weeks."

"Goodbye." Donghyuck answered, closing the door to his own.

1 day

"Can we go to that playground we always used to play at? The one just down the street?"
Donghyuck asked his boyfriend after finishing their breakfast.
Yuta and Sicheng had long been gone and it was now 10 am.

"Sure," Mark replied. "Any specific reason? It's not like we still fit into those swings."
Donghyuck shrugged, putting his bowl in the sink.

"Nah, just wanted to go outside for a bit. The weather is good."
Mark came up behind him, looping his arms around his waist and placing a kiss on his nape.

"Anything you want" he whispered very close to his ear.
Donghyuck shivered a bit at that.

They spend the sunny day at the old playground that held so many memories for them. They met here as literal babies and haven't parted ways since then. Walking around and lazing in the sun, the time went by faster then they thought.

Donghyuck was getting nervous.

They sat down under the big tree in the corner of the playground. It was a bit more secluded and not directly beside the swings and glides, were the children were screaming the whole day.
The sun almost started to sink and they were alone.
Mark's head was on Donghyuck's thights, while the other played softly with his hair.

"I could spend all summer like this." Mark almost purred.
Donghyuck nodded his head absentmindly. The older sat up and looked into Donghyuck's eyes.

"Hey, you here?"
Donghyuck's head snapped around to stare at his boyfriend. Mark didn't know if he should be concerned.

"Mmh?" he hummed "No everything is fine I was just thinking about that you scratched your knee over there at the ping-pong plate."
Mark laughed.

"Yeah, you gave me your favourite Spider-Man plasters to cover up the scratch. I never felt more honoured in my life."

"You should be, I never gave then to anyone else." The smaller replied. They looked at each other for what feels like forever.

Donghyuck swore he could see Mark's eyes flitting down to his lips. So without any further ado he leaned in and kissed his boyfriend square on the lips.

Their lips molded together perfectly, quickly finding a pace for their own Mark leaned in a little closer, his hands and Donghyuck's hip and one on the back of his nape.
They were much more experienced now than when they had their first kiss on that eventful friday night.

Donghyuck kissed him with so much urge that mark felt his head spinning and his air circulation cutting short. He angled his face a little more to the left, their noses slightly bumping but lips never leaving each other, almost as if they were sealed together.
Donghyuck's heart was on fire, his stomach flipping around and he couldn't get enough of Mark. He needed him closer. As close as possible.

His boyfriends seemed to get the message and guided the younger onto his back, swinging his own knee between Donghyuck's thights and hovering above him.
Donghyuck's hands were all over him now, tangling in his hair and running down his arms.

They needed to part for air at some point, so Mark pulled away and tried to breath in as much oxygen as he could. Donghyuck let out the tiniest whine at the lack of contact.

Mark smiled down at him. "I really want to continue but it's getting chilly so let's go home?!" he asked. Donghyuck nodded, feeling the cold air hit him, now that Mark's body wasn't attached to his anymore.

The walk back home was rather fast despite kissing each other at every third lamppost. As soon as they made it through the front door, Donghyuck pushed mark against it and kissed him with much more fever than ever before.

Mark almost had a hard time catching up with Donghyuck's pace, their lips moving against each other sloppily while the younger grabbed Mark's shirt in his fists and pressed even closer to his boyfriend.

"Don't get me wrong I like what were doing right now, but don't you think we should slow down for a minute?" Mark asked between kisses.
Donghyuck looked at him through hooded eyes, "No, we have the house to ourselves so don't worry and shut up." With that his lips were back on Mark's, who threw all doubt behind him and turned then around so now he was pressing Donghyuck into the wall.

Their kiss got slower again, lips moving together and Mark felt brave enough to let his tongue run ober the Donghyuck's lower lip. He felt the other's body jerking at that and almost regretted his action until the smaller opened his lips to let Mark in.
He was careful, slowly testing how far he could go. But it felt good, so good and Mark got braver with every second.

His right hand, that was sitting on Donghyuck's waist slowly inched lower, stroking the smaller's thight in a calming manner.
Donghyuck let out the smallest of sounds as Mark pulled slightly at his lower lip before going back to kissing him again.
Mark's brain shut down for a second before his movements got a little rougher and he could feel Donghyuck's hands tightening in his hair.

He left the younger's lips to let him breath and attached his own to the side of his neck.
The moan that left the other's lips  encouraged him to move forward and press open mouthed kisses to the juncture between his neck and his shoulders.

Donghyuck couldn't control himself anymore, he felt hot all over and needed to do something.

"Up- Upstairs." he said between heavy breaths. He gasped when Mark sucked on a spot with a little more pressure.
Mark looked at him, through his lashes. His lips were all red and slightly swollen, with his messed up hair he looked even more handsome to Donghyuck so he couldn't resist pressing another kiss to those beautiful lips.

"Let's go to my room." he said after that. almost being proud of himself to bring out a whole sentence. His heart was beating so frantically is his chest, he was afraid he would die of heart attack right here and there.

'Not now' he thought.

Mark nodded, taking him by the hand and practically running up the stairs to his bedroom.

When they entered, Donghyuck had his lips on Mark's in a second. Immediately  pushing him backwards until Mark's back hit the soft mattress.

Donghyuck climbed on top of him, his knees resting on both sides of his boyfriend's hips. He smiled that beautiful smile of his and Mark felt his heart do a backflip and then stopping altogether, when Hyuck leaned down again, this time attaching his lips to Mark's neck.

His lips felt so incredible soft against his skin, he couldn't help the low sounds that left his mouth. he would feel ashamed of himself but not with Donghyuck. Donghyuck was his everything, he wouldn't ever feel ashamed in front of him.

His hands were on Donghyuck's sides again, this time riding up the fabric of his thin shirt and placing his hands directly onto his skin. His skin was as soft and warm as always,  Mark felt great.
He could feel the boy on top of him pulling at the end of his shirt and took it as a sign to take it off.
Once he threw the fabric to the side, he lied back down.

He saw how Donghyuck looked at him. It definetly wasn't the first time they've would have seen each other, but the setting made everything so much more intimate that Mark felt almost a little weird under Hyuck's gaze.

The smaller let his hands lightly trail down his torso and Mark looked at him intently.

Something was going on in his mind.

Donghyuck looked back into his eyes before diving into another kiss. This one felt almost deperate, Mark could feel how Donghyuck tried to pour everything he had into the kiss.
It was rough and passionate but also so delicate in its own way that Mark let out a moan at all the feelings inside him.

Donghyuck wanted to take of his shirt, but Mark stopped him, his intentions now clear to the older.

"We should stop here." Mark said, holding the younger's wrist into his hand to stop him from further actions.

"No we shouldn't." Was all the other answered before trying to free his hand and continue with his plans.
Mark shook his head, stopping him once again.

"We don't have to do that now." He said with a soft voice, trying to find Donghyuck's eyes with his. "We have all the time in the world and I don't want to rush you. We've only been together for 3 weeks now."

"First of all that is not true, theoretically we've been together for 17 years, we've just confessed 3 weeks ago." Donghyuck argued.

Mark groaned, that was not what he meant.

"Also... I want this. So if you want this too, please.... be with me."
The younger looked at him with almost pleading eyes.

"Of course I want to be you." Mark said with a sight. "I just don't want you to regret any-"

"I won't regret anything. I want this. I want you."
He said that with so much determination in his voice, Mark couldn't even answer. He just stared at him.

He stared at that beautiful, wonderful boy above him, who he loved so much he couldn't stand thinking about a life without him. How could he ever say no to him?

"Okay," he whispered.
Mark got up onto his elbows, handling Donghyuck's body on the mattress before hovering above him.

Donghyuck's patience ran thin, he reached up to bring their lips back together, kissing Mark with everything that he had, desperately clinging to his frame, never wanting to let go, bringing their bodies so close together he couldn't deciffer where he ended and where Mark started, giving Mark his all.

"I love you"

0 days

The sun started to shine through the window, casting a beautiful light on the two sleeping forms on the bed.

Donghyuck woke up first, stirring slightly and opening in his eyes, looking directly in the sun.

It was a beautiful morning, the sun up in the sky without any dark clouds in sight. He could saw the leaves swaying lightly in the breeze. It was almost perfect.

Donghyuck felt the arms wrapped around his waist and the warm body behind him. Mark was still fast asleep, so he turned around in his arms, facing the older now.
Mark's face scrunched up a bit at the movement but he didn't yet opener is eyes.
Donghyuck lifted his hand between them and started tracing every form on his face.

Mark was so beautiful, like an angel straight from heaven. He wanted to remember everything about the love of his life.
Every little curve and edge, every mole and tiny scar, the softness of his lips and skin. Donghyuck wanted to remember every tiniest bit about him.

So he stared at him, in the golden light of the early sun trying to brand everything into his mind.

After some time he decided that he needed to stop or he wouldn't be able to stop himself from crying.
He leaned in and kissed Mark lightly on the lips. Mark slowly but surely awoke from his dreams.

"This is probably the best morning of my entire life." He said after pulling away from the soft kiss, a smile adorning his face.
"Thank you."

Donghyuck sat up slowly. "Come one let's eat breakfast, I feel like him starving."

Mark felt himself smiling dumbly, he couldn't deny the other any wish. So he stood up, pulling the smaller to his feet as well. Donghyuck stumbled slightly, he felt almost dizzy.

"Hey, are you okay? Can you stand?" he held Donghyuck by the waist and looked at him with a concerned gaze.
Donghyuck tried holding everything back, stabilizing himself.

"Yeah, I'm good. just need something to drink."

Mark guided him down stairs and sat him down on the kitchen table.

"I know I'm not the best cook, but even I can make toast and eggs so sit down, love."

The younger felt guild wave over him at the pet name, he shuddered but Mark understood it in a different way.
He smiled to himself and turned around to the stove, thinking Donghyuck liked the name.

After finishing breakfast, Donghyuck felt stable again. Mark seemed convinced and didn't question his little weakness before again.

"Hey, me and Renjun are probably gonna meet up because he wanted to tell me something important, so I kind of have to kick you out in an hour."

Donghyuck told him when they were cuddled on the sofa again.
Mark face was hidden inside his neck, pressing featherlight kisses to his skin.
Mark whined a little bit but hummed in agreement.

"Hmm, okay. I should help my mom with the garden anyways. But tell me when you're back, then I'll come over."
He said with a small smirk on his face.

Donghyuck smiled lovingly down at him, stroking his cheek but not answering.

"I love you, you know that right?" he asked the older.

Mark heart went crazy, he felt so much love for this person and was so, so happy he had him in his arms right here and there. The world couldn't be more perfect, he felt like nothing could take away his happiness.

"Yes," he murmured. "And I love you too, with all my heart. Forever."

They kissed deeply.

Donghyuck felt his heart break.

"You should go, I have to get ready."

Mark didn't want to, he felt something in his stomach that told him he shouldn't go. That he should stay exactly right here, with Donghyuck.

But he didn't stay, he didn't want to stop Donghyuck from seeing his friend. They were as important as him, he knew that.

They stood up from the couch, walking to the front door where Mark put in his shoes and light jacket.

Donghyuck grabbed the collar of his jacket and and pressed their lips together in an almost desperate manner. Mark held him close and it was exactly what Donghyuck needed for a short moment. He pulled away after a minute, leaning his head on Mark's shoulder.

"I love you." He whispered

"Love you too," Mark answered."See you later."

Mark pulled away, opened the door and stepped out.

With one last kiss, Donghyuck closed the door.

"Goodbye"

Mark looked at his phone. It was almost 8 pm and Donghyuck still hasn't called him, nor did he answer his texts from 30 and 10 minutes ago.

He decided to call Renjun, maybe his phone was dead and he was still with his friend.

Renjun answered after 3 ringtones.

"Hey Mark, what's up"
Renjun sounded relaxed over the phone.

"Nothing much, I was just wondering if you were still with Hyuck?! He didn't answer any of my texts and-"

"Wait a second," Renjun stopped him. "Hyuck and I didn't meet up today. We all thought you two spent the weekend in privat."

He sounded confused and Mark's  breath hitched for a second. Why would Donghyuck lie to him?

He was silent.

"Hey Mark, still there?"

Mark felt the panic creep up in him.

"Yeah," he said. "I think I'm going over to his house and were he is."

Renjun could hear in Mark's voice how concerned he was. He started to feel uneasy as well.

"Call me when you found him, I wanna know if something's not right."

"Everything will be alright," Mark slightly raised his voice.

"It has to be." he said more to himself.

"Just call me." he heard Renjun say over the phone before hanging up and almost running over to Donghyuck's house.

He knew where they kept the spare key, so he unlocked the door and forced himself to go up the stairs slowly.

'Everything is alright.' he chanted in his head.

He pushed the door to his lovers room open and breathed out the breath he was holding when he saw him laying in his bed.

But something still wasn't right.

He wasn't moving and Donghyuck has always been a rather light sleeper. Waking up when someone entered through the door.

But he wasn't waking up.

Mark took the 3 steps to his bed and knelt down beside him, his face looked relaxed and peaceful.

"Hey, Hyuck." he shook him lightly.

"Hyuckie love wake up, I'm here now."

He shook him a little more.

Nothing

Mark panicked, his voice coming out strained.

"Donghyuck!"

He was so late to realise that Donghyuck's chest wasn't moving.

He wasn't breathing.

Mark screamed.

"Donghyuck!"

The next moments were all a blur to Mark. He had the mind to call an ambulance, stuttering out his name and address, before turning back to his boyfriend on the bed, still trying to wake him up.

When the paramedics arrived he got pushed back away from his love, trashing because he didn't want to leave him.

When Donghyuck's lifeless body was brought onto the stretcher he collapsed onto the ground.

The ride to the hospital was the worst thing he ever had to do. He just sat there, didn't want to leave Donghyuck's side while the paramedics tried to find out what was wrong with him.

He got shoved away again when they rolled Donghyuck through the door to the ER.
Mark hadn't shed a single tear since he found Donghyuck in his room. He didn't want to believe that anything was happening.

He didn't really know how they knew but soon Renjun, Jeno, Jaemin and Xuxi came to him. Maybe he send then a text, he didn't remember, everything was fuzzy in his mind.

When they saw him Renjun was the first to run into his arms, telling him that everything would be okay.

It was a lie, they all knew that.

Jaemin was crying already, being held by Jeno as the tears ran down his cheeks in streams. Xuxi just looked lost, like he didn't knew how to react.

They immideatly looked up when Mark's name was called.

Everyone but Mark, he only slowly raised his head to show the doctor who he was.

"I'm sorry, we couldn't- " was all that Mark understood before everything around him started spinning.

He didn't feel anything, just a dull emtyness inside of him.
His ears starting ringing and all he could see was Jaemin and Jeno hugging tightly while tears streamed down their face.
Renjun broke down on the floor, painful sobs ripping through his chest as if he couldn't breath. Xuxi running to him, sliding down to the floor to hold the brunette in his arms.

They were all crying, except for Mark.

He couldn't.

Where the others felt their hearts being ripped apart and cried out of pain and loss, Mark felt nothing.

Like his heart was not existing anymore, he couldn't feel anything.

+ 3 days

They called it suicide.

They couldn't find any sort of injury on his body, just that this heart stopped beating because of some pills he took.

Mark wanted to hear nothing of it. His brain just didn't grasp the fact that the love of his life would end his own. He couldn't understand it. And he didn't want to.

The moment he got back home he locked himself inside his room.
He didn't cry.
Didn't let a single tear out of his eyes.
He just sat in his room, eyes empty and stared at the wall.

He didn't feel anything.
No pain.
No exhaustion.
No hunger.
No fear.
No love.
Just pure nothing.

While everybody else was grieving, mourning the death of a beloved person, Mark was shutting himself out.

Renjun came to him three days after it happened. Mark only slightly lifted his head when Renjun called his name for 4th time.
He looked at his friend, eyes dull and void of anything.

Renjun looked like shit, dark bags under his eyes, eyes almost constantly read from never really stopping to cry. He looked so tired and sad.

In the back of his mind Mark wondered how he even came over to his house.

They both didn't really said anything, just looking at each other, until Renjun choked out a sob.

Mark looked at back at the wall, when Renjun sat next to him on the bed.
He would rather be alone, but he didn't care enough to change something about that.
Renjun cried beside him until his tears stopped.

"I can't sleep," he said.
"I can't sleep cause every time I close my eyes I see him right in front of me."

Mark didn't move.

"And every time I see him, I wonder what exactly went on inside his mind."
Renjun's voice sounded hollow, almost like he talked with the air.

He could have been, because Mark was completely unresponsive.

"And I tried to understand why he did what he did, I really tried. I tried so hard but I couldn't understand."
He let out a long breath, trying the stable his voice, but it was shaking none the less.

"And then I started trying to find someone to blame. I blamed myself, I blamed you and I blamed everyone else around us. And for a second I even blamed him, because I was so lost. So mad at him, how he could do that and leave us all behind. And I hated myself for it."

Renjun stopped for a moment, Mark still wasn't answering.

"Maybe there is no one to blame, maybe this world is just such a cruel place,  that it would take such a wonderful person from us. I don't know, I will probably never know."

He turned his head to look at the other boy sitting next to him, but Mark didn't say anything. He just continued staring at the wall, as if Renjun wasn't even there.

The younger silently stood up and left the room.

+ 7 days

Mark refused to sleep, only passing out when his body couldn't do anything else after hours upon hours of being awake.

He mostly woke up with a gasp, but didn't feel anything else. Just staring back at the wall again.

He refused to eat.
Jaemin and Jeno tried more than once to force him to eat at least something. He didn't react.

One day, maybe a week after everything happened (He couldn't really say, he lost count of days and time) Renjun bursted into his room and screamed at him.
Why he was behaving like that, hurting not only himself but also everyone else.
That he should stop being so selfish and leaving the others alone with their pain.

"We are all in pain!" he yelled at him, Mark didn't even flinch.

"You are not the only one who lost someone you love! We all fucking miss him! But instead of closing every thing else of, we try to help each other! We try to help you and you don't even look at us!"

He was desperate, he didn't know how to get through to Mark.

"We need you. Jisung needs you, with you locking yourself in your room, he not only lost one but two brothers and is crying none stop because he's worried about you and we can't do anything than hug him and tell him you'll come back!"

Renjun was crying now, he was in so much pain and so angry at Mark for not doing anything.

"You don't sleep, you don't eat, you don't grieve and if you keep that up it'll kill you!"

Mark looked at him and saw how broken Renjun looked.

"Maybe that's exactly what I want."

It was the first time in almost 8 days that he spoke, his voice raspy but Renjun understood.

Renjun gasped, not believing what he just heard. Tears streaming down his face, he wordlessly turned around and left the room.

Mark saw Jisung standing in the door frame. Despite his larger form his younger brother looked so tiny standing there. His shoulders dropped and crying.
Mark, for the first time in a week, felt a little twist in his chest at seeing his brother so broken. But didn't do anything.

+ 10 days

On a thursday afternoon, Mark's door opened again. This time showing a person he didn't really expect.

Yuta closed the door behind him and sat down at the end of the bed, looking at Mark with something Mark couldn't name.

"I'm not here to tell you what you have to do. I know Renjun gave you enough of that, which is good by the way. Buy I'm not here for that."

He took something out of his pocket, it was a folded piece of paper.
When Yuta looked up again, Mark saw the tears in his eyes.

"I'm here to give you this. I found it after going through some of his stuff because I couldn't believe he left without anything. Guess I was right about at least one thing."

He let out a lifeless chuckle.

Mark admired him for being so strong, he didn't know how to do that.

"If you want to read it or not is your decision. But wether you do or don't, let this be the last day of being in whatever state you are right now. I know it's hard, believe me, I do. But you need to grieve. You need to cry and to scream and let it all out. You need to live, because he deserves it."

For the first time since that day, Mark felt his eyes begin to water. Felt any kind of emotion in him.

"He deserves for you to live, because he couldn't. No matter what anyone says, I'll never believe that it was him that did that. It was this life, this world that took him away from us. Maybe he was just not made for this, maybe he belongs somewhere else. And I hope with every fibre of my being that he is there now."

Yuta handed him the piece if paper. Mark took with shaky hands.

Yuta smiled a painful smile at him before standing up and leaving his room.

Dear Mark,

first of all, I'm sorry.
I'm so sorry for leaving you, for leaving you even though I know that you love me.
Please believe me when I say that I didn't want to leave. Because I love you just as much, if not even more.
I also want to thank you.
I want to thank you for being my best friend. You were always there for me, spend time with me, cared for me and I know that I could trust you with anything. So thank for all you did for me.
You are a wonderful human being.
I could never grow tired of hearing your voice or your laughter.
Also,, thank you for loving me. For loving me despite all my mistakes and flaws. I've never felt more loved than when I was with you. I wanted to be everything for you, because you deserve only the best.
You deserve to be happy at all times and I wish I could give you that.
I wish I could spend the rest of eternity with you.
But I can't, which is why I'm sorry again.
Me leaving has nothing to do with you or anyone else. I have the best friends in the entire world and I'm so thankful for that, even though I may not deserve all of you.
I just don't belong here. And you said it is okay to try and find something greater that what we are right now, right?!
So sorry for being so selfish.
Please live your life the way you want to.
Spend time with our friends and take care of Renjun. He always pretends to be so strong but he needs as much love as he can get.
Please fall in love and never lose that beautiful smile of yours. You wouldn't believe me how much you light up my entire day.

As much as it hurts, I think it is time to go now.
I promise I'll do everything in my power to see you again.
I love you, never forget that.

Goodbye, your love Lee Donghyuck ♡

When Mark read the last word, he finally felt the tears streaming down his cheeks.
He felt the pain in his chest. Felt it ripping apart his whole being.
He felt his heart constricting and his lungs almost giving up, trying to catch a breath.
He never felt as much pain as in that moment.

He cried out loud, sobs ripping past his lips as he started trembling all over.
All the pain that he bottled up for more than 10 days, started crashing down in him and he felt like drowning.

For what felt like the first time did his brain register that Donghyuck was gone.
That Donghyuck was gone and wasn't coming back.
His best friend ended his own life.
The love of his life was dead.

Mark started screaming and trashing around, tears still flowing out of his eyes. The pain didn't seem to stop until he felt arms around him, trying to hold him down.
He couldn't even see who it was, blinded by his tears and the seemingly endless torture of finally realising what happened.

"It hurts, please make it stop! Please just make it stop!" he cried but exhaustion took him over and he sunk down into the mattress.
Still crying buy also still being held by someone.
It was all to much for him, he couldn't keep his eyes open anymore.

Mark slowly fell into complete darkness

+ 12 days

When Mark opened his eyes, everything around him was dark.
It had to be late into the night.
He immediately felt the pain coming back again, felt the tears threatening to spring from his eyes.
But he also felt the body beside him, snuggled into his side and holding his hand.
He turned his head and saw a light brown mop of his hair, which could only belong to Jisung.

Besides the pain, he also felt a wave of guilt roll over him.
How could he forget about his brother?
How could he be so stuck up in his own denial that he forgot that Jisung might have needed him.

He felt so guilty and was ashamed of himself.
When he hugged Jisung closer to his chest he felt the other stirring awake.

"Hyung?"
His voice sounded so small and vulnerable.

"I'm sorry Jisungie," he breathed out, letting his tears to.
Jisung was fully awake now and cuddled closer to his older brother, making himself smaller to fit into his chest.

"Don't be sorry," he said, "I know you're in a lot of pain. I understand that. I was just worried about you. We could have helped each other."

Mark cried even more, his baby brother sounded so much more mature.

"It hurts, Jisungie, it hurts so bad." He sobbed out, trying to find something to hold onto.
"I don't know what to feel or what to do. I just don't want to believe he's gone."

"He's just as far away as you let him be. Don't hold onto to the pain of losing him."

They held each other close. Donghyuck may have been Mark's best friend or even boyfriend but he was as much Jisung's older brother as Mark was.

At least by heart. He grew him with around almost every single day.

Pain demands to be felt.

And that's exactly what they did.

Crying and grieving and holding each other, because that's all you could do in moments like that.

+ 20 days

Despite now accepting the help of his friends and trying to solve his emotions and mourning his lovers death, it took Mark almost 3 weeks to be able to leave the house.

He started talking and eating again.                He and Jisung started sharing a bed, too afraid to be left alone with nightmares.

Jeno, Jaemin, Renjun and Xuxi spend almost everyday in his house.
Sometimes they tried to hold normal conversations, avoiding the topic as best as they could.
Mark of course realised that but was kind of thankful for it.

But sometimes he needed to talk about it. He tried his best at expressing his pain but he just couldn't.

It didn't even take 3 minutes for him to break down. Crying out in pain as his heart was being crushed all over again.
He didn't know how he should ever get over this.

His friends and brother did the best they could, letting him cry and holding him close. Promising him that he would be okay one day. He doubted that.

On Donghyuck's birthday he left the house for the first time. Jisung and Xuxi accompanying him to go over to Donghyuck's house. The others were already there.

Yuta let them in and hugged Mark tightly.

"You wanna go upstairs?" He asked

Mark nodded and let go of him.

They quietly made their way to Donghyuck's room and when Mark opened the door and stepped in he felt like being punched in the gut.

Everything was the same as the day, he last ran up these stairs. Just to find Donghyucks passed out in his bed.

Except now his bed was made.

Mark stood in the middle of the room and didn't really know what to do.

"Can you leave me alone for a minute?" he asked when he turned around.

"Are you sure you're gonna be okay? You don't need to do that." Renjun said.

"Yeah I'm fine. I need this."

Jaemin didn't really looked convinced but they all left, closing the door behind them.

Mark started walking around the room, almost to afraid to touch anything. He looked at the few pictures hung up above his desk.

Most of them were with their friends or with his family, but there was one that stood out to Mark.
He took it off from the wall and walked over to Donghyuck's bed.

His sheets still smelled like him and Mark felt at home.
Not at peace because it would take a long time for him to feel that way.
But here he felt like being surrounded by Donghyuck and even if it made him cry again, he felt okay.

He looked at the photo inside his hand.
It showed Donghyuck in one of his favourite sweaters.
He was smiling so brightly, his eyes shining with pure happiness.

To Mark he looked like the sun itself.

On the left side of the picture you could see a person only half in the frame. Even though it showed just an arm and some strands of hair Mark quickly identified the person as himself.

His eyes looked back at Donghyuck and how the vibrant boy was looking at him in this moment.

He looked like he was in love.

Maybe that was all Mark needed to know.

Yes, Donghyuck really loved him.

And Mark really loved Donghyuck.

So it was okay, everything was alright.

They would see each other again.

In a world made for both of them.