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It seemed that every time Ramuda found the need to slip away from the rest of world, he would end up coming to this place. It wasn’t exactly what one would call comforting, if anything it was the very opposite of it. There was nothing that lingered in this place but a cold, somber atmosphere, and pillars marked with names that stretched as far as the eye could see. Because it was so late in the evening, there was no one here but him, which he was grateful for. If there were other people, he might have turned around and walked the other way.
Though the visit hadn’t been planned, Ramuda didn’t come empty handed. He never came here empty handed. Flowers, incense, a few pieces of candy – all of them were in hand as he trailed through the long rows of unrecognizable names until he finally reached the only one that mattered to him.
Amemura Kaiya
Wordlessly, Ramuda went through the typical motions for when he came here. He cleaned the grave, placed the flowers in a vase, and lit the incense. All while doing it, his mind was almost completely blank, and a dull white static sounded in his ears. He really had no need to think right now, just do what was necessary.
It wasn’t until he was done, and sat on the cold stone ground, that he grinned and finally spoke.
“Sorry it’s been such a long while, mama! I’m such a bad son, aren’t I?” He chuckled as he sat a piece of candy on the grave. “I’ve been so busy with Fling Posse that I’ve completely neglected to come pay you a visit~!”
The sweet smell wading from the burning incense filled his nostrils as the only response to grace him was a deafening silence. The smile on his face faltered ever so slightly with the quiver of his lips. Even though nothing ever came to reply to his words, he always hoped that maybe if he listened hard enough, he would hear something that would make him feel a little less alone.
“I’m sorry I didn’t bother to clean up more before coming here! If you’re wondering why I’m so beat up, it’s because we went up against Matenrou today. You remember me mentioning them before, right? They’re the Shinjuku group led by the awful Jinguji Jakurai from my TDD days! I know you remember him!”
Yes, because that man had been the topic of many a past ‘conversation’ Ramuda had engaged in here. Before now, the words he spoke of him had been kind - loving even. With the fall of TDD though, those feelings had all changed completely. The affection of the past was now buried beneath layers of bitterness and mixed in with feelings of betrayal. It left Ramuda in a constant self-struggle between loving and despising one of the few people he had ever let in past his carefully constructed mental fortress.
“He hasn’t changed at all! He’s still as stuck up and pretentious as ever like the old geezer he is!! I wish he would just drop dead already!!”
Pointless lies. Why did he even bother? What was the point of lying to ghosts?
He really wished that he could hear the soft voice that haunted the foggy recesses of his memory speak back to him for once, and slice through the lies and stupidity that his mouth kept spilling. Maybe then he wouldn’t feel so crazy and conflicted like this. Maybe she could give him the reassurance that he so desperately craved and sought out.
“…We ended up losing to them…it was so unfair and humiliating, mama!” His cheeks huffed and he crossed his arms with frustration. A small wince escaped him as his hand pressed up against a bruise he didn’t even know was there. “Now I’m all sore and dirty, and my cute clothes are ruined! How am I supposed to attract all the pretty onee-sans if I’m bruised and beaten like this!?”
Of course, his words were putting lightly all the damage that was done to his body, the blood stains on the tips of his green sleeves told a story much darker and more serious than he described. As Ramuda drew his own attention to them, he could practically feel the throbbing pain start to course its way through his body again. It seemed that with every time he used his hypnosis mic or took part in a rap battle, the pain and damage just kept accumulating. Simply acknowledging it made his stomach turn in knots.
It would probably be the death of him one day. No, it would be the death of him one day. He was more than certain of this.
“I’m going to have to ask Ichijiku-nee for more medicine, but I’m sure she is gonna be mad at me for losing…” Steadily his voice was losing its chipper lilt, dropping down into its truer tone. “She’s probably gonna find some way to punish me and treat me like I’m a bad boy! I miss back when she was actually kinda nice to me! Now she’s just angry and bitter at everything, all the time. It’s so exhausting. She could at least fake some normalcy like I do!”
He knew he had no right to talk about being bitter all the time. Ramuda suffered from the same constant rage that she did. Unlike her though, he didn’t let it show as much. He knew he had to keep up his carefully constructed upbeat image in front of the rest of the world.
“I’m not looking forward to what the next few days are gonna hold…” He mumbled, voice completely dropping now. He scratched at his throat in response. “I don’t know what to do now. I didn’t actually think that we would lose…”
He hated to lose at anything. Because with every loss or defeat he ever faced he was always bitterly reminded of that man – his father. The man who made him like this, who stole his innocence and childhood from him, who put his mother in this grave to begin with. He could almost hear that voice again, mocking him, taunting him. It made needles stab and dig beneath his skin. He could feel a burning sensation tracing every inch of his body as his heart pounded painfully in his chest. A sour, disgusting taste was starting to rise in his throat.
“I shouldn’t be thinking about that man here, should I, mama…?” Ramuda mumbled, playing with a piece of candy in his hand. “It seems I can never keep my thoughts straight whenever I’m here. I’m always torn between my past and my present...and it all just becomes this big mess of thoughts…” With a wry chuckle, he ran his fingers through his hair, pushing back his bangs from his face. “I came here to complain about my loss to Matenrou, and yet I end up thinking about that demon. No matter how hard I try to forget and attempt to put it behind me, my past is constantly on my shoulders to haunt me…”
Following a heavy sigh, he unwrapped the candy and popped it into his mouth. An almost bittersweet grape flavor came to replace the sour bile and metallic blood that had been previously occupying his taste buds. Slowly, he shifted around to lean against the grave to give his sore body a much-needed break from supporting itself. The sky had gone completely dark now. The only lights were the stars above him and the scattered lanterns that lit the way in the graveyard.
It was peaceful. Too peaceful for the storm that was raging on inside of him.
“…What would you feel now if you were here, mama…?” He asked this question almost every time he came to this place. “Would you speak to me, or would you say nothing? Would you feel sad for not being able to protect me from my father? Would you be mad at me for being so angry and selfish, for throwing away so much and betraying the people I cared about? Would you hate me for having hurt people like I have? Or, would you be happy to know that despite everything that I say and spout, I love and I can’t let go of loving certain people…? …Would you feel all of those things, all at once?”
All of these would be that could never be. What was the point in asking them over and over? It’s not like it ever made him feel any better. It only ever made him feel worse, because he knew he would never be able to feel this woman’s love again. Her love had been taken from him so long ago that Ramuda could barely remember it.
“Maybe...Maybe you would forget to feel anything at all…Maybe you would just hug me so tightly that I wouldn’t be able to breathe…”
Digging a hand into his pocket, he slipped his hand past his hypnosis mic for his phone. There was a secret photo album that he kept on here, a photo album full of his memories. One of the photos was of him and her, taken from an already existing photograph he received years ago. It was only by looking at this photo that he could fully remember her warmth and her kindness. In the silence, he could almost hear her voice, soft and angelic, sing to him.
“I’m sorry…I’m sorry I became something so pathetic…” He wanted to scream. He wanted to scream out all of the negative emotions that were trapped in his chest until his throat bled. He wanted to rip the blanketing façade from his flesh until there was nothing exposed but the raw, ugly truth of who he really was – a scared, lost child.
Instead, he kept silent and bit his lip, tears fogging his vision.
“I hate this. What did I do to deserve this? I never asked for any of this…” He curled in on himself, hands pulling at his hair, adding to the already building headache that threatened to split his skull in two. His tears freely fell down his cheeks, which accumulated into pained sobbing. “I-I hate it! I just want things to be okay! I just want to be happy!! I want you back!! I miss you!!”
Ramuda couldn’t stop crying at this point. It wasn’t the loud screaming he wished he could let out, but blubbering that he tried to desperately hide and muffle with his sleeves. Even though there were no other witnesses to this moment of weakness, he still felt like he had to hide it.
It was pathetic, it was shameful...
In the midst of his crying, his phone started to ring. The loud, cheery ringtone broke through the near silence of the graveyard as the device buzzed in his lap. Ramuda’s sobs caught in his throat and he looked down to see who could possibly be calling
‘ Dice… ’
He quickly wiped his tears away and took in a deep breath, putting back the broken pieces of his façade in order to answer.
“Hello~!”
“Hey Ramuda I just called in to check on ya! I’ve been worried since you bailed on me and Gentaro after our battle with Matenrou! I wanted to call you sooner, but Gentaro thought it would be better if we gave you some space for a little while!”
Ramuda couldn’t help but smile at the concern. Before he found Dice’s concerns and his tendency to wear his heart on his sleeve to be a bit too odd for his liking. After all, when he had formed Fling Posse, his intentions were to never get too close to his teammates, but his heart was still wounded and weak. No matter how hard he tried to steel his heart towards them, he found himself clinging to them in his loneliness. So, such comradery and kindness were something he now welcomed more than anything – especially in moments like this.
“Yeah I think I’ll be okay~! I was just so angry that we lost to those old geezers! I needed to get away for a while!”
“Dude, I understand. You seemed pretty pissed! Glad you’re doing better now though!!” There was a pause and before Ramuda could reply, Dice spoke again. “Hey that ramen shopped that banned us before finally said we could eat there again! Wanna go chow down on some comfort food??”
Ramuda fought back a genuine giggle. Leave it to Dice to jump on an opportunity the moment it was presented to him. “Only if you promise not to puke again~! I’d rather not get banned twice!”
“I’ll try ! No prom –” Dice was cut off by the rather audible sound of him being hit by something. “Ow!! Gentaro don’t hit me I’m already sore!!”
“If you get us banned again, I won’t be as forgiving this time~”
“Uso uso!!! It was a joke!!”
Ramuda was smiling so much, his face was starting to hurt a little. “Give me some time to get ready Dice~! I’ll text you when I’m leaving my house. In the meantime, you and Gentaro can make out or whatever it is you do when I’m not around~!”
Just as Dice was starting to scream at him in retaliation, Ramuda grinned and abruptly hung up the phone on his friend. He sat there in silence, his smile softening as he stared at his phone’s lockscreen, which was a selfie he had taken with the other two not long before their match with Matenrou. With a quiet hum, he turned the device off and placed it back into his pocket.
Maybe it wasn’t always a bad thing that things rarely went as expected for him.
“Alright...I get it. There’s no use staying here and wallowing in misery...” He stood up, the bones in his body popping with his movements. He winced slightly, stretching in an attempt to work out the dull ache that had settled in his muscles. “I know you’re trying to tell me I need to move forward...but you know as much as I do that something like that is easier said than done.”
Honestly, Ramuda wasn’t certain if he would ever be able to fully break free from the shackles of his past. It felt like such an impossible task.
“I’ll try though...if only because it's what you want for me.” He turned back to the grave, collecting the incense that had long finished burning. He took one last look at the neatly polished stone, a tired smile on his face.
"I'll see you again soon."
As he started to walk away, he glanced up once more at the star-filled sky.
The calmness didn't seem as mocking anymore.