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Tenzo doesn't hide his excitement from his husband as they make their way to Sakura's for the impromptu dinner. The last time Team 7 got together without the imminent threat of death at every corner was… well, that was probably at his and Kakashi's wedding over a year ago, and he actually misses the brats. Going back to ANBU missions has been surprisingly boring without Naruto's usual antics, Sakura's cheery demeanor, and Sai's unintentionally smart mouth.
So he blabbers on, reminiscing about that time Naruto placed a porcupine in Sai's sleeping bag and it somehow ended up in Sakura's. The nine-tail's raging chakra had nothing on the wrathful beast that was Sakura with quills in her ass. Kakashi mostly listens, offering the occasional chuckle and encouraging hand squeeze in response to the stories he's heard numerous times before.
Nothing seems amiss when dinner begins. Sakura's gone all out and everything smells amazing. Tenzo's mouth waters and he can't wait to dig in. It's nice to enjoy a home-cooked meal without having to cook it himself. But it doesn't take long for him to realize that something is off. Way off, if Sai is not insulting Sakura’s cooking after the first bite. Not to mention that when Tenzo compliments Sakura on the grilled fish, all she responds with is a somber stare. But the most obvious and perhaps most alarming indication of them all is that Naruto has not touched his food.
"Everything okay?" Tenzo asks him.
"Nothing can ever be okay again," he responds sullenly.
Jeez. Tenzo exchanges a look with Kakashi, who merely shrugs and goes back to slurping his noodles.
"That's not like you, Naruto," Tenzo muses. "You weren't even this depressed when Sas—" Kakashi shoots him a warning glance and he doesn't finish the sentence. Sasuke's absence is still a touchy subject with all of them, even though he's been pardoned and their friendship has been restored. He clears his throat. "What could possibly be so bad?"
"You should know, since you ruined everything!" Naruto snaps.
He sets his chopsticks down. "Excuse me?"
"This isn't a normal dinner," Sai mutters.
Yeah, no shit. “Okay, so what's this about?”
“Yamato-taichou, this is an intervention,” Sakura announces solemnly.
“For what?”
“For your marriage!” Naruto shouts.
Tenzo snorts out a laugh and very quickly stops when all of Team 7 gapes at him like he's just set a puppy on fire.
“Wait—you’re serious?”
“OF COURSE WE’RE SERIOUS!” bellows Naruto.
Tenzo glances over at Kakashi, who is being remarkably quiet throughout this whole exchange. As expected, he's avoiding his gaze and focused intently on his food.
“What—?” Tenzo starts to ask, but is interrupted by Naruto.
"After everything you two have been through…”
“Yes, taichou!” Sakura chimes in, “after everything Kakashi-sensei has done for you, this is how you repay him!”
Curiosity peaked, Tenzo raises an eyebrow and waits to be enlightened by the two outraged teens. He looks back and forth between them like watching a ping pong match as they lay out all of Kakashi’s alleged sacrifices. Sakura starts them off while Naruto completes each of her statements.
“He takes care of you when you’re sick!”
“Yeah! Since you’re such a big baby!”
“He gives you foot massages!”
“Without asking for anything in return!”
“He cooks dinner for you every night and cleans up afterward!”
“After a whole day of Hokage duties, too!”
He chokes down the urge to guffaw in their faces.
Kakashi… cook? He’d first have to step foot in the kitchen, which Tenzo is more than certain has not happened since they moved into the new house. And clean? That one's even more comical, given that Kakashi has yet to become acquainted with their cleaning supplies.
Also... as certain as the fact that there are six faces on the Hokage monument, Kakashi has never touched his feet. In fact, he found out real quick during one of their many sexy experiments that oil and water mix way better than Kakashi and feet.
He doubts the teens will listen to him now that Kakashi has filled their heads with ridiculous lies. And he knows it will be close to impossible to convince them that it is actually the fearsome Copy Nin who is reduced to a pouting child when he's sick, now that he has someone to take care of him.
Regardless, Tenzo interrupts their collaborative rant. “Is anyone going to tell me what's going on?"
Naruto's eyes blaze. “We saw you, taichou! At the onsen! With another man!”
He rolls his eyes. “I’ve been with countless other men at the onsen.”
Sakura smacks Naruto upside the head and takes the reins. “Making out with another man!”
Tenzo nearly chokes on his own spit. “WHAT?!”
“You can’t deny it! We have proof! Bring it out, Sai!”
Sai, who’d been quietly watching their exchange while munching on an eggroll, pulls out a small envelope from inside his shirt and empties its contents on the table. He nonchalantly takes another bite.
Tenzo grabs the collection of pictures laid out before him, eyes widening as he shuffles through them. Based on their angle, he can tell they were taken from above and yep, that’s him alright. In a very compromising position with a beautiful brunet sporting purple markings over his eyes. Then he's struck by a sudden thought.
"Were you spying at the men's onsen, Sakura?"
Sakura's eyes nearly bulge out of her head as she goes bright red in the face. "W-w-what!" she sputters, "NO! NEVER!"
True to form, Naruto immediately comes to her rescue.
“This is about you, taichou! After all those lessons about loyalty and honor. How could you?”
Tenzo watches in disbelief as Kakashi slowly shakes his head wearing his best victim face. “The betrayal,” he sighs.
Fuming, Tenzo glowers at him. “I need a word with you in private.”
Kakashi holds a hand to his chest. “I don’t know, Tenzo. I don't think my heart could handle it.”
Tenzo can almost feel his skin burn under Naruto’s judgmental glare. “Look, we get it alright! Sure, Kakashi-sensei hides behind his mask because he's terrible to look at...”
“Ouch. Where did that come from?” Kakashi grumbles.
“And he’s an emotionally-stunted, perverted jerk who’s nearly impossible to love…”
“Again, ouch.”
“But you chose him that way, taichou! And to go for a younger, much more attractive man barely a year into your marriage…”
“Please stop defending me so hard,” Kakashi groans.
“...that’s just the lowest of the low.”
“Kakashi,” Tenzo growls through his teeth. “A word. Now.”
“I don't know, Tenz—”
"NOW."
Kakashi makes a show of weighing out his options before following him outside to the porch. Tenzo hops onto the roof and knowing that the teens will more than likely be listening in, seals a small perimeter around them to keep their conversation private.
"What the hell are you doing?" he demands.
Kakashi crosses his arms over his chest. "Jeez. I'm the one who was betrayed here. Maybe I should be the one asking the questions."
"Shut up," he snaps. "You know that was you."
Kakashi shrugs. "I don't know Tenzo, that sure looked like a much younger, much more attractive man in those pictures."
Tenzo snorts and blushes a little at the memory. “That was our anniversary... when we were... roleplaying.”
“Yeeeaah…”
“So why didn’t you tell them it was you?!”
Kakashi laughs. “Do you know how long they've tried to get me to reveal my face?”
“Are you kidding me right now?”
“I can’t just let them win that easily!”
“So you let them think I was cheating on you?!”
“Well, I never explicitly said—"
“Kakashi.”
"And they never explicitly asked—”
"Kakashi!"
“Yeah, okay. They feel sorry for me so they're being nice to me.”
“Seriously?!”
“Yeah, Sakura brings me home-cooked meals for lunch. Naruto does all my paperwork—”
“You’re seriously okay with them seeing you as a cuckold?”
“Eh. If it gets me free labor—”
“And me as a villain?!”
“Now you’re just being dramatic.”
“I AM NOT!”
Kakashi chuckles. “They don’t see you as a villain. They just see you as a... lying, cheating scumbag.”
“How is that better?!”
“There are worse things—”
Tenzo cuts him off, mustering as much authority as he can into his voice. “You’re going to tell them the truth.”
“Oh, you’re no fun.”
“Kakashi!”
“Come on! It’s fun seeing them all riled up, defending my honor,” he pauses for a second. "Even if they do insult me while they're at it."
“Kakashi. No.”
“Come on," Kakashi closes the space between them and wraps his arms around his waist. "I’ll let you do whatever you want tonight. You wanna wear the Hokage robes? You can wear the Hokage robes!”
“Kakashi—” he growls then pauses, considering the possibilities. Hmm. “No! I won’t have them believing I’m a sleazy, unfaithful—”
“Devoted, sexy— ” Kakashi purrs, hands trailing down to his ass.
“Don’t," he warns. "It’s not going to work.”
“I’m not doing anything," Kakashi mumbles against his neck. Which is true, if grinding his hips against him while squeezing his ass doesn't count.
Tenzo reaches back for his husband's hands to stop him. “I’m not lying to them," he says firmly.
Kakashi resorts to pouting. “Tenzooo! Come on, please do this for me? I mean... they’re just so grown up already, you know? They surpassed me in every way a long time ago. There's nothing else I can teach them. They really don’t need me anymore. And my face... that’s the only thing I have left over them. Having that… reminds me of good times before the war, you know? When they were just silly kids. Even Sasuke really got into finding out what I look like. It was fun... messing with them before they were all forced to grow up.”
Tenzo regards him quietly after the conclusion of his spiel. He knows his husband is not above emotional manipulation when it comes to getting what he wants. Regardless, he pulls him by the chin to press a soft kiss to his covered lips.
“I said no.”
Kakashi deflates with a heavy sigh.
“Now come on," he says, removing the seal around them. "They’re waiting for us.”
“Well?” Naruto demands as soon as they step into the dining room. “What do you have to say for yourself, taichou? You can’t deny what we saw!”
Tenzo rolls his eyes. “You need to calm down, Naruto.”
“Calm down? I will not calm down! How could you do this to—”
Sakura yanks him by the hair. “SHUT UP AND LET HIM TALK, YOU IDIOT!”
Naruto's fire quickly extinguishes with a squeak.
“Alright, all of you!" Tenzo barks. "Listen up, because I’m not going to repeat myself. I am not cheating on Kakashi.”
“But WE SAW—”
Sai shoves an eggroll in Naruto’s mouth to shut him up.
“Yes, I was with Sukea,” Tenzo admits.
“A-HA!” Naruto shouts victoriously through pieces of eggroll. "Even his name is filthy!"
“But he is not my lover,” he continues. “And that’s because Sukea is—” he looks at Kakashi for a moment. He doesn't meet his gaze but the dejection is palpable. Tenzo sighs. Why is his heart so soft for this ridiculous man? Kakashi is going to owe him big time. He is so gonna wear the robes tonight.
“Sukea is... our lover.”
Kakashi’s eyes widen comically before turning up into little half moons when he smiles wide. Tenzo can’t even kid himself that he’s not still wrapped around the man’s finger. It may actually be worse now than when he was his little kohai, trailing after him like an adoring puppy.
Absolute horror invades Sakura's face. Sai’s demeanor doesn’t change but for a slight tilt of the head and Naruto just looks confused.
“HUUHH? What do you mean?” he cries.
“He means they’re both having sex with Sukea,” Sai explains before chucking a piece of tuna into his mouth.
Sakura grimaces and Naruto exclaims in disgust. “EEEWWW! WHYY??”
Sai continues talking through his mouthful. “Some people find threesomes to be a wholesome sexual experience—”
“Oh god, shut up, SHUT UP!” Sakura cries, turning her shocked expression to Kakashi. "Sensei, is that true?"
Kakashi shrugs. "I suppose they are quite wholesome."
She covers her ears with a horrified "AAAAAHHH!"
Naruto is still sitting there, dumbfounded. “But... how does that even work?”
“Well," Sai begins, "there are actually many positions—”
“DON’T.” Sakura flings herself across the table to cover Sai's mouth. “ANSWER. THAT.”
Naruto's brow furrows in deep thought for a moment. Nearly a minute into his thought process, realization finally washes over his face and he squeals like a pig. The dining room descends into chaos as the once-united members of Team 7 scream insults and accusations at each other.
Tenzo sighs and meets Kakashi’s eyes. The man is practically radiating gratitude.
He rolls his eyes. Hope you’re pleased with yourself.
Kakashi’s hand quietly finds its way into his. His hidden smile says it all.
Immensely.