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He had promised himself he’d never love anyone. Not after watching his parents fighting night after endless night while he curled up under the covers and pretended to be asleep. Not after spending half his childhood afraid of getting beaten up. Especially not after he killed the asshole who had tormented him for years.
Why the hell would he subject himself to the pain of falling for someone when it would inevitably turn to shit? No, Paul didn’t fall in love with people. He hated people. But somewhere in the three years he had spent living with Jacob that promise had been broken a thousand times over. At first, Paul didn’t recognize the feeling. And why should he? He’d never felt love before. Not for his parents or the girls he had toyed around with. Not for the boys either.
Jacob was different.
At first, Paul thought it was instinct. Jacob wasn’t a killer. He was soft, gentle. He taught little kids how to read and write. Paul was the opposite. He hated kids, could barely stand being around them. He had thought he was attracted to Jacob the same way a wolf is attracted to a deer. Because they were soft and vulnerable and they made these adorable little noises when they’re asleep in his arms-
He wasn’t in love with Jacob. He couldn’t be. That was what Paul tried to tell himself anyway. He wasn’t capable of love. He had promised to never fall in love with anyone. That was the one promise he couldn’t break. Besides, Jacob was still in love with Emma. He never touched Paul when they were alone. He still got all starry-eyed whenever she was brought up in conversation (which was as little as possible). Paul hated talking about Emma. He wanted to grab her scrawny little neck and squeeze until all the life drained out of her. He figured she probably felt the same way about him.
When he finally did realize what the feeling was, he was afraid. Love was a dangerous thing. Love got you hurt, or killed. Love made you do stupid things. Paul didn’t want to be this reckless. And things only got worse when Emma crawled back into their lives. He actually went out and kidnapped a girl. Paul never would have considered it before. How stupid was he?
Not stupid. Just in love.
And just like that, it all became clear. Jacob was Paul’s focal point now. Jacob was the thing he cared about most. That was why he agreed to a truce with Emma. They were too similar to really work things out with each other, but the sex was nice. That was why he tried to be nice to Joey and why he put on a happy face. It was all because of Jacob. Paul wasn’t comfortable with the sudden collapse of walls he had spent years building, but he tried to ignore it.
All his suspicions paid off in the end. Emma abandoned them. They lost the house. He got stabbed. It all brought them up to that moment.
Paul knew he was dying. He started getting sicker and sicker. He could barely lift his head up after a few days. He felt hot all the time, and then freezing cold. He didn’t just dream, he had vivid shrieking nightmares that felt as real as anything. It was terrifying, but Paul didn’t quite mind. He had Jacob to take care of him. Jacob would make everything okay. Even if he died, it didn’t matter. Because he had someone there with him.
Time was running out. Everything was going hazy, except for Jacob. His face was close and he was in focus just like he had always been. The one little point that kept him anchored. Paul knew he didn’t have a whole lot of time left to tell Jacob anything. He should have done a better job, should have made sure Jacob knew how to survive on his own. Not everyone was as nice as he was.
But when he opened his mouth to speak, something else slipped out. Something else entirely. It was the last thing he’d ever say to Jacob. Somehow, that seemed appropriate.
“I love you.”