Chapter Text
Hands held his in place above his head. Chest to chest, hip to hip. Lips pressed together then pulled apart, over and over again until it left him panting for air. Panting for more. The white linen barely covering the both of them as they moved with each other. Their rhythm on par with the rain drops prattling against the window.
Jin didn’t know how long it had been, everything was simultaneously too fast and too slow. He wanted to push him away yet pull him closer. He wanted to be the one in charge yet he wanted to let him do the taking. He’d stopped keeping track of time as soon as their lips had found one another. The first touch was gentle, closed lips pressed against each other. Then their senses took over and there were hands and lips everywhere. Open mouthed kisses, warm hands roaming wherever they could reach, teeth clicking together in their haste. Their clothes were the first thing to go, followed closely by their awareness of anything but each other.
It might have been minutes, hours or days. Jin didn’t care. His mind was too full, his senses too attuned to the body over his to make sense of anything else. One final breath and both of them collapsed. The heavy weight settled over his, but it wasn’t uncomfortable, far from it actually.
They caught their breath in silence, the heavy weight still over Jin, surrounding him in its warmth. They matched their breath with each other till they were both breathing even. Slowly the body rolled away, away from Jin, taking with it its warmth. It left Jin feeling cold, he wanted to reach out and pull the body back to him. But it wasn’t something they did, it wasn’t their thing.
“Has it been raining this whole time?” Namjoon asked as he pushed himself up against the headboard, inches away from Jin, too far away from Jin.
“I think it just started,” Jin looked away to stare out the window. Emotions ran rampant within him in his afterglow. He didn’t want to risk Namjoon seeing those emotions reflected in his eyes. The younger was far too perceptive and observant. Good thing Jin was just as good at masking his emotions.
“November Rain,” Namjoon spoke, sounding a little far off.
“Huh?” Jin finally turned to look at him, finally in control of his emotions. He’d managed to reel in everything he’d felt, he’d mull over those feelings in the future, when he was alone. For now, he schooled his face to look sated and a little sleepy, basking in his afterglow, “What about November rain?”
“It’s a song by Guns N’ Roses.”
Jin pushed himself up to sit beside Namjoon. They were shoulder to shoulder now, thighs almost pressing together. Almost but not quite.
“What’s it about?”
“It’s about love. About a guy holding on to a girl who doesn’t love him. It’s about unrequited love and how nothing lasts forever you know, relationships, they’re ever changing,” Namjoon shrugged.
Jin stared at him for a beat, and another, “Ok seriously, Namjoon lay it on me. How bad was the sex? I’m ready. I won’t be mad, just tell me,” Jin motioned with both his hands for Namjoon to carry on.
“What? No, hyung. What are you talking about? The sex wasn’t bad, it was phenomenal. I think we’ve established that in the past six months.”
“Then why the hell are you thinking about heartbreaks and unrequited love, when you should be basking in post orgasmic bliss?” Jin asked, his voice slightly rising in pitch. Namjoon laughed a deep laugh that struck something right in Jin’s belly.
“I am in post orgasmic bliss, hyung. It’s just that it’s raining outside and today’s the start of November. The thought just struck my mind is all,” Namjoon shrugged.
“You’re so weird. You know that, right?”
“You never let me forget.”
“Good.”
They sat in silence, listening to the rain outside. Silence was never uncomfortable with Namjoon. Normally, Jin was the kind of person who couldn’t sit in silence in company. He had this compulsive need to fill every silence with conversations or even with his endless supply of dad jokes if any and all attempt at a conversation failed. But it wasn’t like that with Namjoon. With Namjoon he didn’t feel like he needed to constantly come up with something interesting to keep the younger engaged. With Namjoon he could sit in silence for hours, with nothing but their presence to fill the void. At first, he’d attributed this peculiarity to the fact that he just didn’t care about impressing Namjoon. Which had been true for the first few months that they’d known each other.
For the first few months, Namjoon had been nothing but a distraction. He’d been nothing but a place to run to when his empty apartment threatened to swallow Jin whole. When the demons shackled him to the ground, he’d run to Namjoon for release. He found himself running to Namjoon, over and over again. And Namjoon was no help, the younger never said no. He was always there for the night.
But that was the thing; Namjoon was there just for the night. Come tomorrow morning, he’d be gone just as soon as the sun came up. He was one of those early risers, much to Jin’s chagrin. He’d be gone before Jin woke up with nothing but a ‘see you next time’ scrawled on whatever piece of paper the younger could get his hands on. The only evidence that he’d spent the night would be the hickeys trailing the insides of Jin’s thighs, a faint ache between his legs and the cold crumpled sheet on Namjoon’s side of the bed. Jin didn’t know when Namjoon had established his side on Jin’s bed, but there it was. Even on the nights that Jin slept alone, he instinctively left Namjoon’s side of the bed empty, as if hoping for the younger to come in during the cold of the night. But he never did.
And their ‘next time’ could be anytime from tomorrow to a week from now, but never past a week. Sometimes it was Jin who called, sometimes it was Namjoon but whoever called the other would always be willing to come. In all these months of arrangement, they’d only cancelled on each other five times, not that Jin had been counting or anything.
“What are you thinking about?” Namjoon’s voice startled Jin, he hadn’t realized he’d been so deep in his thoughts.
“Oh, nothing. Just work stuff.”
“You should let me sit in one of your classes.”
“Seriously?”
“Yeah,” Namjoon replied sounding completely serious.
“You want to sit in my class with a bunch of middle schoolers?”
“Yep. Should be fun, watching you discipline them.”
“Ok I’m gonna stop you right there. Don’t even hint at something suggestive when you’re talking about my precious kids. And I’ll have you know they’re very well behaved for a bunch of adolescents. “
“Ah, my bad. Won’t do it again, sorry. But seriously, I’d like to watch you teach. I just can’t see you as a teacher of Korean literature in middle school.”
“Why?”
“Well, Korean literature is supposed to be taught by old men who fall asleep throughout the lesson not by a 27-year-old that’s better suited to be on a magazine cover than a middle school yearbook.”
“First of all, what kind of high school did you go to? And you of all people should be above such stereotypes,” Jin shook his head and feigned a disapproving look on his face as he clicked his tongue.
“I’m sorry, Sensei. Will you discipline me now?”
“Seriously, Namjoon. Since when are you so into roleplay?” Jin faked a shocked gasp.
Namjoon chuckled, “There’s the Jin I know. You were looking a little too somber back there. Haven’t given much thought to role playing. Yet,” he added with a wink.
So, that had all been for Jin’s benefit, just because Jin had looked gloomy? Jin gulped; it was things like these that had led him to this mess his heart was currently in. For someone so at ease with a no strings attached deal, Namjoon was far too observant of Jin’s moods and needs both during and after sex. At first, he’d found it weird and had worried Namjoon might end up liking him; he didn’t want to deal with another broken heart at his expense. However, it turned out Namjoon was just that attentive and thoughtful as a person and it wasn’t some kind of courtship ritual. Who knew it would be him falling for Namjoon and not the other way around.
If he knew then what he knows now, he would have walked away the second he’d laid his eyes on Namjoon in the dive bar six months ago.
“Everything ok at work?” Namjoon asked with obvious concern in his voice.
“Everything’s fine. But December couldn’t get here soon enough, I guess. I just need a little break.”
The sound of a phone ringing brought both their attention to the bedside table on Namjoon’s side. Namjoon checked to see who was calling, “I need to get that, sorry.”
“No worries. Go ahead.”
Jin got off the bed and went around looking for his clothes and putting them on. Namjoon didn’t bother going outside to pick up the call, so Jin found himself listening in on the one-sided conversation.
“Hey. What’s up?” A beat of silence, “What about hyung?” A long pause, “Ok, I’m leaving right now.” Another short pause, “See you in a few, Chim.” Namjoon hung up and tapped on his phone screen for a while before addressing Jin.
“Hyung, I need to go. My friend just got here from Busan and I need to pick him up at the station.”
This was the first time Namjoon hadn’t stayed the night, it shouldn’t have hurt as much as it did. Jin wanted to ask him if he’d come back, he wanted to ask him to come back. He wanted to tell him he’d leave the door open for him. But he swallowed all those words and turned away from Namjoon.
“Oh, ok. Do you want an umbrella, it’s still raining outside?”
“That’d be nice, thanks hyung. I’ll bring it back next time.”
Jin left to get the umbrella while Namjoon dressed up. He waited for Namjoon by the door, who emerged a few minutes later dressed in his oversized zipup hoodie and jeans. He squeezed Jin’s arm before going out the door.
“See you next time, hyung. And I’m serious about wanting to watch you teach.”
“Maybe someday,” Both of them knew that someday would never come.
“Maybe,” With one last smile Namjoon left, not even a kiss goodbye.
No, that would be far too intimate. Jin closed the door behind him and walked back to his bedroom, turning out all the lights on his way. He lay down on his side of the bed and thought of where he had went wrong. When did his carefully controlled emotions get so out of control? When did his resolve to never fall for anyone break? Was it when Namjoon stayed with him through the nights he couldn’t sleep, talking about everything and nothing? Was it when Namjoon learned how to make him forget everything that threatened to drown him with just a kiss? Or was it the first time Namjoon smiled at him?
It didn’t matter, whenever it was because Jin was adamant he would never act on it. He’d decided to ignore his feelings as much as he could, until he couldn’t. On the nights he couldn’t, he cried himself to sleep but those nights were far and few in between. He knew this wasn’t healthy, he wasn’t supposed to continue this arrangement with Namjoon even after he’d fallen in love with him but he just couldn’t stop. He wasn’t strong enough to let go of Namjoon completely yet, he needed more time. Until then, he was ok with suffering in silence for a few fleeting moments of happiness when Namjoon came around. Those few moments of bliss were enough to get him through the heartache.
The bed still smelled of Namjoon that night, he fell asleep listening to November Rain and thinking of Namjoon’s smile.
☁︎
Fridays, in Jin’s opinion, were far, far worse than Mondays. One day before the weekend, the kids would be too excited about the coming weekend to pay any attention to what was being taught. Jin himself would be looking forward to the holiday the entire day. Having to teach the last class on a Friday was even worse. He could easily count on his fingers, the number of kids actually paying attention to him. Most of them were either looking out the window or looking at the clock. Even then, Jin never said anything because he’d been there, done that. He knew how boring and tedious classes felt. Instead of reprimanding them for not paying attention, he tried to make his class as engaging as possible but there was only so much fun you could have with Korean literature. Even still, Jin tried his best for the few who listened.
Finally, the electric bell rang signaling the end of the day. The class president stood up to deliver the end of class greeting and the rest of the students followed. Done with their greeting, the students dispersed into groups and ran out the class, pushing against one another in their haste to leave. A few students stayed behind to wish him a happy weekend.
“Don’t forget to have fun but don’t forget your assignments either!” Jin called out as the last of them exited the room. Out of habit, Jin checked his phone to see if he had any messages from Namjoon. As expected, there was none. He didn’t know when he’d started checking, or even why. Namjoon never texted him before 10, that was usually when the younger left his work. Even though they’d talked about it, Namjoon was always very vague about what he did for a living and in typical Jin fashion he never tried to delve any further.
So, the only thing he knew about Namjoon’s work was he owned a business and despite the official hours being 10 to 5, he often got calls at weird hours of the night. At first, Jin had assumed those calls came from Namjoon’s other hookups, they weren’t exactly exclusive fuck buddies after all. But the younger had no qualms about picking up the calls right next to Jin and the conversation always had to do with files that needed to be signed or events that needed to be organized and other terms he’d only heard in those dramas with the bratty and rich chaebol heir as the lead. Namjoon never ignored those calls, he picked each and every one of them and listened patiently and didn’t get off the phone until he’d solved whatever the problem was. One thing Jin had learned through these erratic calls was, Kim Namjoon was a patient man and a good employee.
A knock on the classroom door startled Jin, he hadn’t realized he’d been zoning out. There was a guy standing at the door in sweater vest and skinny jeans that somehow looked glamorous instead of nerdy. He had a black wire rimmed glass on which combined with his puffy cheeks and plump lips gave him a youthful look.
“Hello, are you Kim Seokjin-ssi?” the guy asked, even his voice sounded young, all tinkly and bell like.
“Yes. How can I help you?”
The guy heaved a sigh of relief, “Thank God, I’ve been looking all over for you,” he bowed before Seokjin, “I’m Park Jimin.”
“Oh! The new maths teacher,” Seokjin remembered he was supposed to show him around school today, “I’m sorry I forgot I was supposed to meet you at the gate.”
Jimin waved him off, “That’s ok. I only made like 3 wrong turns before I got here.”
Jin didn’t miss the playful tone in Jimin’s voice, “Looks like you’ve seen half the school already. Are you sure you even need me now?” He teased right back.
“I do actually; the groundskeeper didn’t look very pleased when I walked in on him changing. I’d rather not repeat the experience again,” Jimin rubbed the back of his neck and shook his head with his eyes closed, as if trying to shake off the memory.
“Did you really?” Jin chuckled.
“All I have to say is he’s very fair for someone who works so much in the sun.”
“Please, stop. You don’t need to go into details.” Jin raised his hand to physically stop Jimin from saying any further. Jimin pretended to lock his lips and throw away the key, making Jin laugh. Oh, he was going to like Park Jimin, wasn’t he?
“Alright, let’s go. I’ll show you to the teacher’s lounge first,” Jin walked ahead and Jimin dutifully followed. They maintained an easy stream of conversation as Jin gave him the tour of the entire school. Apparently, Jimin was a talker but not the annoying kind. He was bubbly and cheerful; he felt like one of Jin’s students. He had a feeling Jimin would be soon replacing Jin as the new student’s favorite. He smiled at the thought.
“Hyung,” somewhere along their tour Jimin had decided he’d adress him as hyung, “Do you want to go get a drink with me and my friends?”
“Ah, maybe next time. I already have plans for the night,” he lied. As nice as Jimin was, Jin barely knew him, let alone his friends and he would no doubt end up feeling left out in a group of friends. He didn’t like feeling left out.
“Oh, ok,” Jimin looked genuinely sad, “Then I guess I’ll see you Monday?”
“Yeah, see you Monday, Jimin.”
“I look forward to working with you. Please treat me well,” Jimin bowed once again before walking away after giving Jin a bright smile. Jin watched Jimin walk away with a serene smile on his lips, he wondered if he’d ever be as happy and cheerful as Jimin was and if the other was genuinely so cheerful or if it was just an act. Oh, he was good at pretending himself. So much so that on good days, he could almost convince himself he was happy. But sooner or later, the dark clouds would come looming back in. However, it wasn’t so bad, over the years he’d learned to seek shelter from the rain.
Since, he didn’t have any plans for the night he thought of calling Namjoon. It had been 4 days since they’d last seen each other. Not that he’d been counting.
Wanna come over?
He sent the text and walked to his car without waiting for a reply. The next time, he checked his phone as he was entering his apartment.
Dive bar dancer
Sure. Might be a little late tho. Grabbing a few drinks with friends.
Oh, that’s fine. You don’t have to come if you have plans. Some other day.
He didn’t get a reply after that, he took Namjoon’s silence as him agreeing with what Jin had suggested. Jin was ok with his, what’s a few changes of plans among casual hook ups, right? This was fine, Jin wasn’t moping at the thought of not seeing Namjoon, not at all. He was fine.
He stared at the screen for a while, hoping he might catch Namjoon’s little chat bubble appear if he stared long enough. He realized he still hadn’t changed Namjoon’s name on his contacts. It was silly and pretty useless at this point but it was one of his sad, sad attempts at keeping his feelings in check. Not that it helped any; instead every time Namjoon’s contact name flashed on his screen, he was reminded of the first time they met. He didn’t remember a lot from that night, he didn’t remember their conversation or even at what point did he agree to spend the night with Namjoon. No, what he clearly remembered was dancing. Dancing with Namjoon at the back of the dive bar just because he’d lost a bet with the younger. He didn’t even remember what the bet was about. All he remembered was their horrible moves as the other patrons stared at them as if they were crazy. He remembered laughter, so much laughter. He remembered thinking, is this what happy feels like as he watched Namjoon do some weird shoulder move that could barely be considered a dance. Was that when he fell in love? It couldn’t be, could it? Jin wasn’t the type to fall in love in the first meeting. Surely, he was more pragmatic than that.
☁︎
Jin was well under his way to completing the first season of Assassination Classroom when his doorbell rang. A brief glance at the wall clock hanging over the door read eleven o’clock. Since, he didn’t get a reply from Namjoon, he’d assumed he wasn’t coming. After moping around for the better half of the evening, he’d finally managed to stop thinking about the younger. But had he decided to come after all? Pausing his anime, he bounded over to his door, fully expecting to see Namjoon leaning against the wall across. But what greeted him at the door was a pair of bunny teeth and an armful of Jungkook.
“Hyung!” Jungkook screamed in Jin’s ear and proceeded to burrow against his neck.
“Kook, what-how- when did you get here?”
“Just now,” Jungkook pulled out of the hug to grin at Jin, “Tae and I drove here.”
“Taehyung’s here too?” Jin pushed Jungkook aside, fully expecting Taehyung to be hiding behind the younger and biding his time to surprise Jin.
“No, he just dropped me off. He went to grab a drink with his hyung from Daegu. They haven’t seen each other for a year. He’ll come by first thing in the morning tomorrow.”
“Oh, ok. Let’s talk inside,” Jin opened the door wide and stepped aside to let Jungkook in. The younger had a rather sizable duffle bag on him. He walked in straight to Jin’s spare bedroom – Jin following close behind – and plopped down on the bed.
“'M So, tired,” Jungkook stretched to emphasize his tiredness.
Jin scoffed, “Tired of what? It’s half an hour drive from Gwacheon to Seoul.”
“Hyung, do you really think we got here in half an hour with Tae driving?”
Oh, right. He’d forgotten about that, “When did you leave for Seoul?”
“After lunch.”
“How many stops did he make?”
Jungkook sighed, “Honestly I stopped counting after the first three. But he did take some really nice pictures of me. And pictures of us, so I can’t really complain,” he smiled at Jin and stretched out on the bed like a starfish.
“Ahhh, I’d missed you, my fluffy bed. The bed in my dorm is so stuffy,” Jungkook jumped this way and that before finally settling into the plush mattress, making himself comfortable.
“Yah, at least change before you sleep. I’ll get you something to eat.”
“No. Already had dinner on our way here. I’ll change in a bit.”
“I’m watching Assassination Classroom. Want to watch it together?” Jin offered.
“Yes! But like can you bring your laptop here, I’m too comfortable to move,” he looked at Jin with his big dopey eyes blinking rapidly. The brat knew all too well Jin couldn’t say no when he made that face, he’d been using that trick on Jin ever since they were been kids.
“Brat. At least change before I get back. I’m not cuddling with you in your dirty travel clothes.”
“And bring some snacks, too. Thanks, hyung, you’re the best!” Jungkook shouted as Jin walked to his bedroom.
Fifteen minutes later found Jin and Jungkook sprawled on the bed with an assortment of snacks scattered all around and the laptop in between the two of them. They watched the anime in relative silence, only speaking when they needed to pass the snacks. This reminded Jin of all the holidays he spent in Jungkook’s house in much the same manner. Considering they spent most of their childhood together, it wasn’t a surprise that Jin and Jungkook were as close as brothers. Jin had always looked out for Jungkook as his own, and he didn’t ever doubt that Jungkook felt the same. Jin had been there when Jungkook was born to his mother’s best friend, who also happened to live just next door. Jin had been there when Jungkook took his first steps, spoke his first words, went to school for the first time and left his class just to sneak into Jin’s. Jin had been there through it all. He’d watched Jungkook grow up just as he’d grown up himself. They were especially inseparable around the time Jin’s mother died. It was a difficult time, which was a given but his father took it far worse than Jin did. He was inconsolable and the house fell apart without his mother. Jin’s only solace had been Jungkook and his family. After his mother’s passing, Jungkook's mom, Aunty Jiae, took it upon herself to look after her best friend’s son. She’d made a promise after all. So, growing up Jin spent most of his childhood in Jungkook’s room, more than he did his own. Jungkook was his bright ray of sunshine in otherwise bleak days. Even though he’d never told the younger, he’d rented a two-bedroom apartment so that Jungkook would always have a place of his own in Jin’s home. Just as the Jeons had always had a place for Jin at their dinner table. But he had a feeling the younger already knew, the two didn’t always need to express their feelings in words. They just knew.
“Hyung,” Jungkook’s voice brought him back to the present.
“Hmm.”
“There’s someone at the door.”
“Then go get it. It’s probably Tae, can’t even spend a night without you.”
Jungkook rolled his eyes, “It’s not. I made him promise he wouldn’t drive here drunk. It’s probably someone for you.”
“This late?”
“Maybe one of your ex hookups.” Jungkook was no stranger to Jin’s version of relationships – although he’d yet to tell the younger about Namjoon. But he never brought anyone when Jungkook was visiting, nevertheless some clingier ones liked to show up every once in a while, and the encounter was anything but pleasant. Jungkook had witnessed it a couple of times.
“I just hope it’s not Jae, he a crier.”
“Wait, hyung. I’ll come with you,” Jungkook scrambled off the bed to follow Jin.
“Kookie I think I can handle myself,” Despite his delicate look, Jin had a mean right hook.
“I’ll just stay behind you for back up,” Jungkook puffed out his chest. Jin tried to contain his glee at the younger’s cuteness.
He opened the door, prepared to punch a guy if he had to.
“Oh, Namjoon.”
“Jin.”
“Namjoon,” Jin repeated himself, unaware he’d already said it.
“Jin,” Namjoon chuckled.
“Jungkook.
Jin looked at the younger, “Why are you saying your own name?”
“No one else around to say it,” the younger grinned cheekily.
“Hi Jungkook,” Namjoon offered his hands to the younger. Jungkook didn’t take it, instead he looked at Jin. Do I shake his hand or punch him? His eyes seemed to be asking Jin.
“Jungkook say hi. This is my friend Namjoon. Namjoon, Jungkook, my neighbor back home and best friend,” Jin didn’t say brother because that just brought on a slew of questions he didn’t want to answer. Besides the sentiment was understood between him and Jungkook without having to say it in front of others. Jungkook took this as a cue to take Namjoon's hand and shake it, rather firmly.
“Strong grip you got there,” Namjoon massaged his palm after Jungkook let go of it.
“Yeah. Been going to the gym for months,” Jungkook deadpanned. For the love of God, was he actually flexing in front of Namjoon? Namjoon looked at Jin, amusement dancing in his eyes. Jin shook his head at him before turning to Jungkook.
“Kookie, Namjoon’s a friend. Stop being weird and go watch the anime. I’ll be there in a minute.”
“You sure?” Jungkook asked, eyes never leaving Namjoon.
“Yes! Go,” Jin had to push him to get him to turn around. The younger squinted at Namjoon one last time before leaving the two of them by the door. Namjoon chuckled, finding his behavior weirdly funny, Jin hung his head in shame at Jungkook’s failed attempt at acting tough.
“So, that was – was he trying to fight me or something?” Namjoon raised his eyebrows at Jin.
“Don’t mind him. It’s his weird way of protecting me, I guess,” Jin chuckled.
“From me?”
“No, not you. I haven’t had the best encounters with people who come around announced so late,” Jin answered sheepishly, he noticed the frown on Namjoon’s face when he mentioned his encounters. Weird, why was he frowning? “Anyway, what are you doing here. I thought you weren’t coming.”
“What made you think that?”
“You didn’t reply after my last message.”
“But I didn’t say I wasn’t coming. You know I wouldn’t cancel on you without saying anything.”
Jin hadn’t known that actually.
“Right, I’ll keep that in mind,” Jin spoke softly. Namjoon leaned in, making Jin catch his breath as he placed a light peck just below his right ear.
“Do you think Jungkook is using headphones?” he whispered against Jin’s ears, causing goosebumps to erupt all over his neck.
“Probably,” Jin gulped, clutching Namjoon’s shirt at his sides.
“Good.”
Before Jin could respond, Namjoon’s lips were on him. Caressing, gently coaxing him to open up. The first kiss was always gentle, always soft, making him want more. Namjoon wrapped both his arms around Jin’s waist and pulled him closer, deepening the kiss. Jin clutched the back of his coat, he could still smell the faint remnants of Namjoon’s cologne. He always smelt like autumn leaves and cherry blossoms.
He didn’t realize when Namjoon had managed to get in the apartment and close the door behind him while they were kissing. He leaned back against the closed door and pulled Jin closer to rest against him. Reluctantly, Jin pulled away. He had to pull away before things escalate any further.
He caught his breath as soon as their lips parted, “I can’t. Not tonight Joon.”
“Why?” Namjoon breathed against his lips, caressing his cheekbones with his knuckles. Jin stepped away from Namjoon, the younger in such close proximity was far too persuasive.
“Jungkook is visiting for the weekend. I don’t... I don’t bring guys around when he’s here.”
Jin didn’t miss the mischievous glint in Namjoon’s eye as he reached for Jin to pull him in. He quickly sidestepped away before the younger caught him around the waist, “And no, Joon. I won’t be going around to yours either.”
“That’s not what I was gonna say,” Namjoon held up his hand in surrender, going back to his casual lean against the closed door.
“Yeah, right. Anyway, sorry you had to come all the way here, I would’ve told you sooner if I knew you were still coming,” Jin shrugged.
“I could be com-,”
“Namjoon stop!” Jin pointed his fingers at the younger. Namjoon chuckled.
“I guess I’ll just leave then,” he turned around too open the door.
“No! Stay!” Jin blurted out before he had a chance to think. Namjoon looked at him curiously, “It’s just, it’s late. You’re probably tired and came all the way here because I called you. So, just sleep here for tonight or something”
“That’s ok, hyung. You should spend some time with your best friend, you don’t need me hogging your bed or time. I’ll see you next time, yeah.”
With a flash of his dimpled smile, Namjoon was out the door before Jin had finished saying ‘okay’.
Jin stood there watching the door Namjoon had just closed. Stupid, stupid Jin. Why had he done that? Why had he asked the younger to stay? When he knew full well, Namjoon only stayed the night because he was usually too tired after the sex to leave. Why on earth would he sleep at Jin’s just for the sake of sleeping? Namjoon came around for one reason and one reason only, Sex. That was all. It was Jin who was stupid enough get his feeling involved in this mess.
“Hyung!” Jungkook called out, “Is he gone?”
“Yeah, he’s gone,” Jin turned around to go back to Jungkook’s room and sat on the bed.
Jin couldn’t believe he’d done something so stupid. He’d asked Namjoon to spend the night but without sex involved. Like a couple. What was he thinking? The younger probably ran away so fast because he thought Jin was in love with him or something, which might be partially true. But still, Namjoon didn’t need to know that. He heaved a long-labored sigh.
“Everything ok?” Jungkook asked, going so far as to pause the anime so he could look at Jin.
“Huh. Oh, yeah, everything’s fine,” Jin couldn’t even convince himself with that lie anymore.
“Was he really just a ‘friend’?” Jungkook air quoted the last word.
“Something like that.”
“Did you ask him to leave because I’m around?” Jungkook asked quietly, “Because you know you don’t have to do that anymore, right? I’m old enough now,” he added with wide eyes that just made him look younger. Jin laughed endearingly and ruffled Jungkook’s hair.
“You’ll always be a kid to me, Kookie.”
Jungkook pulled away from him, annoyed that he’d messed with his hair.
“But I didn’t ask him to leave. I asked him to stay but he left anyway,” Jin shrugged, trying to look nonchalant even when he could feel his heart breaking.
Like Jin had said before, the two didn’t always need to express everything in words. They just understood each other. Like right now, when Jungkook understood those words held far more meaning than Jin let on.
Jungkook didn’t say a word as he cleared all the snacks on the bed so they could lie down comfortably. Jin watched Jungkook place the laptop on his lap as he leaned against the headboard. After he was settled in, he offered his arm to Jin. He snuggled against the younger and fell asleep just as the credits rolled on the last episode.
☁︎
“Can I help?”
“No, Tae. You stay put on that counter. I don’t want you breaking anymore plates.”
Jin opened his bleary eyes to stare at the ceiling, he could hear the two voices still bickering in the kitchen. Looked like Taehyung was here. And what was that about breaking his plates?
With a yawn, he sat up on the bed and stretched for a few minutes before finally making his way into the kitchen. Taehyung was sat on the countertop, wearing what looked like a really long sweater. Jungkook stood in front of him, Taehyung’s legs wrapped around the younger who in turn was holding him by his waist. Guess, they weren’t bickering anymore.
“Please don’t tell me you’re sitting on your bare ass on my countertop, Tae. That’s where I eat,” Jin slid onto one of the barstool, eyeing the spot Taehyung sat on skeptically.
Taehyung lifted the hem of his sweater without any hesitation whatsoever, “No hyung. Look I have booty shorts on underneath.”
“Nice,” Jin nodded appreciatively, it was white and lacey. Jin liked lace, “What are you making?”
He sniffed and got a whiff of coffee, thank god for Jungkook, the younger was already pouring some for him.
“Here, I made omelets and toast for breakfast. We were waiting for you to wake up so we could eat.”
“Have I told you I love you?”
“All the time, hyung.”
Since Jin didn’t have a dining table, they carried their plates and coffee cups to sit in the living room area.
“Oh hyung! I almost forgot,” Taehyung jumped on him and engulfed him in a tight hug as soon as they sat on the sofa, “It’s good to see you.”
“Good to see you too, Tae,” he patted him on the back. Taehyung always smelled like acrylic paint and lavender, it calmed him down, “Did you have fun last night?” he asked as he pulled away.
“Yeah! It was so good to see Yoongi hyung after so long. And all his friends were so nice. His boyfriend is really cute too. Oh, speaking of, Guk I invited them over next weekend, told them we’d show them around. Is that ok?” he looked at Jungkook.
Jungkook finished chewing before answering, “Yeah. Just tell me when,” he smiled at Tae, instantly agreeing to his request. As if he could deny any of Taehyung’s request. In the 3 years they’d been together, Jin didn’t know of a single time Jungkook had said ‘No’ to Taehyung. That couldn’t be all that healthy, could it?
Jin quickly shook his head to chase the thought away. Who was he to psychoanalyze Jungkook’s relationship when his own was so messed up.
The three of them spent the rest of the weekend lazing around at home. Jin hadn’t realized how much he’d missed the two troublemakers, until they were here and filling his otherwise quite apartment with laughter and happiness. They rarely went out when they visited, they’d visited Seoul enough times that the scenery was no longer unique to them. Spending all week trudging in and out of classrooms, submitting and re submitting assignments, both them were usually too wiped on the weekends to go sightseeing. So, they stayed in and watched anime’s and stuffed on as much junk food as the three of them could accommodate.
Being the oldest and the responsible one, Jin took it upon himself to feed them home cooked meal at least once before they left. They were leaving right after dinner to make it to their Monday morning classes.
“Are you sure you can drive at night, Tae?” Jin asked one last time before they left.
Jungkook rolled his eyes, “For the last time, stop worrying, hyung. You’re acting worse than eomma. He drove us here fine last time, didn’t he?”
“Fine. But drive straight back with no pit stops, ok,” he warned Taehyung, remembering how prone to distraction he was.
“Aye, aye,” Taehyung mimicked a salute before hugging him, “I’m going to drive it out from parking. I’ll see you soon, hyung. See you at the front gate, Guk,” with that he skipped away to the elevator. Jungkook watched his boyfriend go fondly.
“He never changes, does he?” Jin observed with a fond smile.
“Nope. Still the sophomore who littered bumped me to the ground on my first day of college,” both of them laughed as they remember the event all those years ago.
“I’m glad to see you just as happy as you were in those first few months, kookie,” he squeezed Jungkook’s arm comfortingly.
“Thanks, hyung,” Jungkook smiled but didn’t say anything for a while. Jin waited for the younger to speak, he knew there was something more Jungkook wanted to say.
“Hyung, about that guy last night,” ah there it was, “I hope you work out whatever’s happening between you two. You didn’t look all that happy after he left.”
Jin didn’t speak. He was afraid he might break down if he spoke, he’d been trying so hard to shed as little tears as possible for Namjoon. He opted for just hugging the younger and wishing him goodbye.
“Call me when you get there, ok?”
“Ok. And hyung you should call your dad. Eomma said you hadn’t called him in a while.”
“Ah, yeah,” Jin massaged the side of his neck, “I was busy with work. I’ll call him tonight, don’t worry.”
“Ok, call eomma too while you’re at it”
“Yeah, I will. Now go, Tae’s waiting.”
“Bye hyung.”
“Bye kookie. Love you!” he called out just to get a rise out of the younger.
“You’re so cringey!” Jungkook called back as he got in the elevator.
☁︎
After they were gone, Jin spent a lot of time cleaning up the kitchen and folding some of the clothes Jungkook had left behind for next time. Of course, he didn’t have to do all this right now but he did it anyway. He was needlessly trying to buy some time before he called his dad. Finally, after an hour of stalling and doing everything but checking his phone he picked up it up and sat on the sofa. His fingers hovered over the call sign for a while before he finally tapped it. The phone rang for a while but there was no answer. Jin didn’t know whether to feel relieved or disappointed. He had half a mind to give up, after all he did call, it was his dad who hadn’t picked up. Right? He put away his phone and turned on the T. V., aimlessly flicking through the channel. After a while of fidgeting and biting his lips, Jin turned off the T. V. and picked up his phone again. This time the call went through.
“Hello?” a hoarse voice came from the earpiece.
Jin closed his eyes and took a deep breath, “Appa, it’s me.”
“Jin,” his father coughed vigorously into the phone. Jin shut his eyes tightly before opening them back again.
“How-how have you been?”
“Good, good,” he finally stopped coughing but his voice was still hoarse and raspy. It wasn’t always like this, he remembered his father’s voice used to have a deep baritone. But that was a long time ago, almost another lifetime ago. Years of smoking and drinking had changed his voice to what it had become now, “What about you, son? How have you been?”
“I’m ok. Been busy with work.”
“Work? I thought you were still studying for that teaching degree,” so his father was drunk, he tended to confuse his memories when he got drunk. Guess it was just another Sunday night at the Kim household.
“No, appa. I already graduated. I’m a teacher now,” Jin whispered back, trying to keep his voice from cracking.
Silence and his father’s labored breathing. That was all he heard for a while.
“Right, no I knew that. Of course, I’m tired so it just slipped my mind,” his father finally replied. Jin decided to drop the topic.
“Yeah I understand. It’s ok, appa.”
They talked for a while, making stilted conversation. Every second was painful, it felt like the call stretched on for hours even though it had barely been five minutes. They hadn’t seen each other since July, hadn’t talked on the phone for a month but they still had nothing to talk about. Also, the fact that his father’s words kept slurring more and more as time passed didn’t help their case all that much.
“Appa, I have to go now. Need to eat dinner. I’ll call you later ok,” Jin lied when he just couldn’t take it anymore.
“Ok. Eat well, Jinnie. Take care of yourself,” he hung up the phone. No, call me again or come visit me soon. No, I miss you’s, no I love you’s. Jin didn’t remember the last time he’d heard his father say those words.
But he never held it against his dad. It wasn’t his dad’s fault that Jin had never been enough. After his mother’s death, his father was broken, a part of him died with her. Jin should have been there to help his dad through the pain, but he wasn’t. He let his own grief overwhelm him and he forgot about his father’s grief. He was too consumed by everything he’d lost that he lost sight of what, who he still had. By the time he’d realized it, his dad was far too gone, far too attached with the bottle on his hand to care about anything else. So, it was Jin’s fault his dad ended up this way. He should’ve been there for his dad.
Over the years, Jin stood by and watched helplessly as the alcohol slowly chipped away bits and pieces of him. His dad, once a compassionate man was nothing but a shell of a man, just going through the motion of living on autopilot. Jin wanted to live with him, help him in any way he could after his graduation but his dad had made it clear on more than one occasion that he didn’t want Jin there. His face reminded him too much of his late wife, he said to Jin every night as he cried. Like a coward, Jin ran away to the Jeon’s growing up and ran away to Seoul as an adult. He didn’t stay away because he didn’t love his dad. No, he stayed away because he loved his dad but he hated himself for being a failure as a son. Being around his dad just reminded him of how he’d failed his duty to his only living parent. Staying away was the only thing he could do for his dad.
Wiping away the tears he wasn’t aware he’d shed, he pulled up another name on the contact list. He took a deep breath and plastered a smile on his face before calling her.
“Jin, honey. How are you?” Jiae asked in a chipper voice as soon as she picked up the call.
“Imo, I’m good. What about you?”
“I’m good now that I’ve talked to both my sons. I just got off the phone with Jungkook. Told me he’d gone to visit you,” Jin could almost hear her smile through the phone. If he closed his eyes, he could almost picture her bright beaming face smiling at him. His heart warmed to hear her referring to him as her son. He’d been overwhelmed when she’d done it the first time, Jiae had taken his crying as a sign that he hadn’t appreciated the gesture. But Jin was quick to tell her, the tears were out of sheer of happiness. Since then, she never missed an opportunity to remind him he was as dear to her as Jungkook, no less of a son than Jungkook. He hoped someday he’d be able to repay her for everything she’d done for him after his mother’s death.
“Did he get to his dorm already? The brat didn’t even call to tell me. Anyway, what’s been happening in town lately imo?,” Jin asked feigning excitement, he knew how Jiae loved to gossip about her annoying neighbors.
“Oh, honey you don’t even know.”
“Tell me.”
“Don’t let me bore you with old people talk. Tell me about you instead. Anybody I need to know about? Anyone coming by your house lately?” Jiae asked in a tone which clearly indicated she knew far too much than she let on.
“How much did Kookie tell you?” Jin sighed.
“Tell me what? He didn’t say anything,” Jiae swore unconvincingly.
“Imo, you’re even worse than Kookie when it comes to lying. Spill it or I’m not telling you anything else.”
“Fine, fine, you shouldn’t be threatening your old and frail imo, Jinnie,”
“Please, you’ll outlive us all.”
“Psh, why would I want to outlive my children. And don’t worry, Jungkook didn’t tell me much. Just that a guy visited you when he was here and that you were a little sad after that. He told me to ask you yourself when I tried to dig deeper. So, Jinnie you tell me the rest,” Jiae said in a tone that couldn’t be argued against.
“There’s nothing to tell, Imo. The guy, Namjoon and I we’re just friends,” maybe if he repeated that phrase enough, he’d believe it too.
“Jinnie, that might be true for him. But does it apply to you too?”
“Ye-no,” he answered truthfully. He was tired of lying, lying to Namjoon, lying to Jungkook, lying to himself, “But it’s complicated, imo. We can’t-there can’t be anything other than a friendship between us.”
“There can’t or you won’t let there be?” Jiae asked. A heavy silence settled between them.
“Imo I can’t,” Jin answered quietly. He couldn’t say anything else, he didn’t have to.
“Jinnie, I’ve never once tried to teach you and Jungkook how to live your life. Because I know you two and I know you’re smart enough to always make the right decision. I trust you to know what’s right for you. You don’t have to tell me the reason why, not if you’re not ready to tell me. But know that I’m always here when you need to talk, ok?”
“Ok,” Jin whispered.
“I trust you and I know you’ll make the right decision.”
“I love you,” Jin blurted out.
“I know, Jinnie. Love you too. Now tell me when will you visit us old people? I feel like it’s been ages since we’ve seen you,” Jiae subtly changed the topic, knowing Jin had had enough of the conversation. The rest of their conversation were much lighter and filled with laughter. It felt good to talk to her, it always felt good to talk to her.
“Oh, I called appa,” Jin told her when they neared the end of their conversation.
“Really? That’s great, honey. I’m sure he was happy to hear from you.”
“I guess,” he tapped the glass table in front of him with his fingers, fidgeting in his seat.
“I’m certain he was, he’s always asking about you.”
Jin knew she was lying but he didn’t call her out on it. Better believe the lie than goad her for the truth he knew but didn’t want to hear. He got off the phone with promises to call more often and visit them as soon as he had the chance.
☁︎
“...the three of them have been friends since college. They would come up with silly business ideas when they had to prepare for exams and owning a club together was just another one of their crazy ideas,” Jimin said fondly as he took a sip of his fourth glass of beer.
Just as Jin had expected, the students loved their new math teacher. Jin was the one in charge of sitting in on Jimin’s first day of class to monitor the younger and honestly he passed with flying colours. He did better than Jin on his own first day and that was saying something. Jimin with his bright personality and his equally bright smile was the perfect person to teach the kids something as tedious as math. Park Jimin somehow made maths fun which was apparent in the way kids laughed and learned throughout the lesson. By the end of the day, Jin had spent enough time sitting in on the younger’s classes as well with eating together during break to decide he liked Park Jimin, both as a person and a teacher.
So, when the younger had offered to get some drink after work Jin had accepted without any hesitation. They’d drove their respective cars to a bar in Hongdae and settled on beer as their drink of choice. The younger had been talking ever since, with Jin occasionally saying a word or two. Apparently Jimin was the kind of person who had no qualms about telling someone his life story - unlike Jin who was very selective about who he told his stories too. Jin learned Jimin was the older one between him and his brother and the well behaved one - although Jin thought the younger might be a little biased in that claim. He was fresh out of SNU where he got his education degree and where he met his boyfriend. They’d been together ever since, the way Jimin spoke about him led Jin to believe the younger was very much in love and the love was reciprocated.
The younger had asked Jin to tell him a little bit about himself, to which Jin had replied, “There’s nothing much to tell. Only child. Eomma passed away a long time ok. I have a best friend who’s in his final year of uni. I prefer keeping to myself so don’t really have a lot of friend.”
Maybe Jimin sensed his reluctance because the other asked very little questions after that and Jin was more than okay with that. The younger didn’t mind telling Jin everything about himself but in return he didn’t demand Jin do the same. This just made him like Park Jimin a little bit more.
Currently Jimin was telling him about his boyfriend and his two best friends who owned a bar together in Hongdae.
“Hey, why are we drinking here if we could drink at your boyfriend’s for free,” Jin took a sip of his own drink, looking at Jimin over the rim of the cup.
“It’s closed for renovations, actually. They’re trying a new Japanese concept, which they won’t let me in on,” Jimin said petulantly, “Apparently, Yoongi is afraid I’ll blab about it on twitter. They want it to be this big secret reveal.”
“Oh, are you not good with secrets?”
Jimin shook his head with a secretive smile gracing his lips, ”Terrible at it. Yoongi is always telling me I can’t hold anything in because I have such a tiny body. As if he’s all that much taller than me,” the younger rolled his eyes.
“You’re really happy together, aren’t you?” Jin placed his elbow on the table and supported his cheek against his palm.
“Me and Yoongi?” Jimin questioned.
“Yeah,” Jin nodded.
“Is it that obvious?” Jimin lips split into a huge smile, that bunched up his cheeks causing his eyes to form perfect half moons.
“Kinda,” Jin smiled back, the younger’s smile was infectious.
“I didn’t think I could ever find someone like him. He’s just...he’s so...he’s...god I love him so much,” Jimin sighed, the smile never leaving his lips.
“That sounds nice.”
“Being in love? It really is.”
The conversation moved on from that to Jimin and Yoongi’s pet cat who absolutely hated Jimin as much as he adored Yoongi. Jin drove back thinking about what Jimin had said and how it didn’t apply to him.
To him being in love wasn't nice, not at all.
☁︎
Dive Bar Dancer
How’s Jungkook?
The message came at around eleven that night. Jin had promised himself he wouldn’t text Namjoon tonight but as soon as the other texted, Jin typed back a reply.
Gone back to his dorm
Dive Bar Dancer
I’m coming over
Jin’s heart skipped a beat and he hated himself just a little bit more. Not more than ten minutes later he heard a knock on the door, his lips stretching into a big smile before he’d even checked who it was. Because he knew, he just knew.
“You got here fast,” Jin said as a greeting, opening the door to let Namjoon in. The younger was dressed in a black shirt and black slacks. Seriously, how could someone look this good in slacks? Jin visibly swallowed as he ran his eyes all over Namjoon unabashedly.
“I was in the area,” Namjoon replied with a playful smile, walking in and closing the door behind him.
“You weren’t just hanging around and waiting for me to text you, were you?” Jin asked jokingly as he watched the younger bend over and undo his laces, giving Jin a front seat view of his ass. Real cute. 10/10 would bang.
“Maybe I was,” Namjoon straightened up and turned to Jin, “Were you checking out my ass?”
“Maybe I was,” Jin repeated what the younger had said.
“See anything you like?” Namjoon took a step towards him and he took a step back. Slowly, playfully.
“Well,” he pursed his lips and pretended to think, “Not the best but it’ll have to do.”
“Hey!” Namjoon chuckled in disbelief and suddenly reached forward to pull Jin in his arms. Jin was a step ahead of him and managed to step away from the younger.
They continued their game of tag for a while, around the couch, across the living room then into Jin’s bedroom, both him and Namjoon’s laughter ringing through the walls.
Jin’s quiet apartment was always, always filled with laughter when Namjoon came around.
“Hyung, I’m starving,” Namjoon spoke through pursed lips when Jin wouldn’t let himself get caught.
“Want something to eat?”
“Not for food,” Namjoon reached forward one last time and managed to wrap his hands firmly around the other’s waist, pulling Jin flush against his chest.
Namjoon’s lips were on him instantly, swallowing up Jin’s gasp. Jin reciprocated just as eagerly, taking a fistful of Namjoon’s shirt in both his hands, sighing into the kiss.
Like all their kisses, this too started gently. Soft caress, gentle sucking and smooth hands running softly over each other. Until kissing weren't enough. Until gentle touches weren't enough. Jin bit down on Namjoon’s bottom lip, barely, just enough to elicit a soft moan from the other. That’s all the incentive he needed to pull Namjoon with him towards the bed. To push him down and climb on top of him as they both worked fervently on undressing themselves.
Jin didn't bother turning off the light as he leaned over Namjoon, their naked body moving against one another. They never bothered with the light, Jin wasn’t particularly fond of fumbling around in the dark and the other thought the same. Besides, Namjoon naked and panting and sated was a sight to behold under the bright fluorescent light, not something to be hidden in the dark.
“You have the condoms?” Namjoon spoke against Jin’s mouth in between kisses, his hands cupping Jin’s ass while Jin had both his and Namjoon’s length in his grip, stroking rhythmically.
“The drawer to your right,” Jin mumbled back in between his mewling, eyes tightly shut so he could concentrate on the feel of Namjoon against him.
Jin leaned up to gently suck at the base of Namjoon’s neck, all the while his hands still stroking.
“Jin, you need to…,” another moan from the younger, “Fuck, hyung stop. I’m not gonna last long if you keep that up.”
“Wouldn’t want that,” Jin breathed out and let go reluctantly. He stretched up and captured Namjoon’s lips for another kiss.
The next few minutes were spent kissing and stroking and sucking as Namjoon prepared Jin. By the time Namjoon slid into him, Jin was begging the younger to hurry the fuck up. His thighs trembled and his grip on the sheets tightened as Namjoon slid deep inside him. Namjoon didn’t stop, not until he’d slid in completely then he stopped moving altogether.
“Don’t stop,” Jin put his hand around the younger’s neck and pulled him down for a kiss, “Please.”
The word worked like magic, the younger started thrusting into him over and over again. Their moans intermixed and sounding as one as they reached their peak together.
“Fuck, Jin. I’m coming,” Namjoon dropped his head to lean his forehead against Jin. He tried to pull out but Jin stopped him with a hand on his hip.
“Come inside me,” he whispered, eyes half open to look at Namjoon who was staring at him with hooded eyes.
“What about you? Are you close?” Namjoon asked.
“Yeah. Come for me, Joon,” Jin whispered.
He wanted to watch Namjoon’s face when he came. He wanted to watch Namjoon’s face filled with pleasure, pleasure Jin was giving him. But, in the next second, Namjoon had his cock in a tight grip, stroking it in rhythm with his thrusts. It was all Jin could do to keep his eyes open. With Namjoon thrusting and stroking him relentless, his peak came a lot quicker than he’d expected. Stars burst under his eyelids and his heart soared, his head feeling light and heady as he soared higher and higher. Namjoon followed soon after, thrusting into him one last time before he felt the other tremble inside him.
They fucked again and again that night until they were both too exhausted to move. Like always, Namjoon laid on his back on his side of the bed and Jin on his. More than once, Jin had thought of reaching over, of reaching for a hug, or even just a touch. But he never acted on that thought because it wasn’t them. Cuddling after sex just wasn’t something they did. So, he laid on his side of the bed with a heart full of love and heartbreak all the same time. It didn’t take him long to fall asleep to the sound of Namjoon’s breathing.
Namjoon was still there when he woke up the next morning.
“You’re still here,” was the first thing he said to the younger upon waking up.
“I was about to go. But, I needed to tell you something before I left,” Namjoon said solemnly.
Jin sat up, pulling the blanket with him to cover his lap - at some point in the night Namjoon had pulled a blanket over them.
“You could’ve just texted me.”
“I think it’s better if I tell you this in person,” Namjoon averted his gaze and opted to stare out the window.
“What is it, Joon?” Jin’s heart started hammering in his chest. What if Namjoon told him he liked him? What would he do? Would he tell him he liked him back? Could he even tell him? These thoughts ran rampant in Jin’s head as he waited for Namjoon to tell him.
“I’m leaving, hyung.”
Jin’s stomach dropped, the hammering in his heart came to a standstill and he stared at Namjoon with unblinking eyes, “You’re leaving?”
“Yeah. I’m going to Japan.”
“When?”
“Next week.”
“When are you coming back?”
“Two months is what we’ve decided on for now. But, it might be longer, I won’t know until I get there.”
“Oh,” Jin breathed out. Whispers and short breaths were all he could manage. He was scared if he spoke a little higher, breathed a little deeper his voice would shake and he’d break down. He could already feel his heart constricting in his chest and the back of his throat starting to burn, “I hope you’ll have a good time there.”
“Thanks, hyung. Listen, that’s not the only thing I wanted to tell you. About us…,”
“Let’s end this,” Jin interrupted the younger before he could finish his sentence. He just couldn’t, he couldn’t hear Namjoon say the words so he beat the other to it, “We’ve had fun, Joon. But, we both knew this wasn’t anything permanent.”
“Oh,” Namjoon sounded surprised. Why did he sound surprised? Wasn’t that what he wanted? Jin was giving him what he wanted.
“With you leaving, now seems a good enough time to end it,” Jin said, more to convince himself than anything else.
“Ok, if that’s what you want,” Namjoon said monotonously.
No, that's not what I want. That's what you want. I want you to stay. Please stay, Jin wanted to scream at the top of his lungs.
“It’s for the best,” was what he said instead.
“Well, for what it’s worth. I had a lot of fun with you, hyung,” Namjoon gave him a small barely there smile.
“Me too, Joon. It was nice knowing you.”
“You too, hyung.”
The room was bathed in silence. Both uncertain about the next step.
“Guess I should get going now,” Namjoon gestured towards the door.
“Close the door behind you, yeah.”
Namjoon turned around to leave, he turned back halfway around once he was at the door, “Hey hyung.”
“Yeah.”
“If we run into each other in the street when I’m back...don’t be a stranger okay. Come say hi.”
“Okay, Joon. I’ll come say hi,” Jin lied and watched the younger walk away until he couldn’t see him anymore.
He didn’t break down, not until he heard the door open and close after Namjoon. He didn’t break down, not until he slid down the bed and rolled over to Namjoon’s side. He didn’t break down, not until he took the pillow Namjoon had been sleeping on and clung to it as if he was hanging on for dear life. Namjoon’s scent was still fresh and lingering, his ridiculously expensive cologne still tainting the sheets and the pillow.
Finally, Seokjin broke down. He cried and cried and cried until his tears ran dry. He cried for the boy who vowed to never fall in love but did anyway. He cried for the boy who had so many walls built around him just to have them crumbling down with just a dimpled smile. He cried for the boy who never learned how to love. Mostly he cried for the man he was now, alone and scared. Utterly scared he’d just lost the only person who had made him feel alive.