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Captain Kathryn Janeway sat in the alcove of the viewport in her ready room. A book lay open in her lap as she starred out at the stars and the black expanse of space. The words on the page seemed to blur before her eyes. She read the sentences multiple times but their words didn’t compute. Thoughts of a birthday long ago and the friend she shared it with had taken her focus from the book.
Voyager’s recent and fleeting contact with Starfleet, and Mark’s revelation that he had married someone else, had thrown Janeway and rocked her composure. She was heartbroken, but after the pain dissipated, she realised she was relieved. She felt a sense of freedom. A locked place in her heart was opened, and for the first time in almost eight years, she allowed herself to think, to reminisce, and long for her best friend, the love of her life, her ex, Alison.
The door chime abruptly interrupted her thoughts and the relaxing silence. She was off duty, Chakotay had the bridge, and out of character, she could not be bothered moving. She didn’t stand up nor put on her captain’s persona. She rested the book on the ledge at her feet.
“Enter.” She said with a loud voice so as to be audible through the doors.
The automatic doors opened and Seven of Nine walked through. Janeway couldn’t help but notice how the blue jumpsuit hugged Seven’s tall slender figure and that her blonde hair was perfectly coiffured. She always looks immaculate, Janeway thought. And rather stunning........
“Seven,” Janeway said as Seven walked towards her.
Janeway drew motivation from deep inside her, stood up and walked in Seven’s direction. Their eyes met.
“Captain, I wish to interrupt you.”
“You already have.” A wry smile spread across Janeway’s lips. Seven raised a quizzical eyebrow in response.
“Never mind.” Janeway tried to suppress the little laugh in her throat. Seven’s abruptness and idiosyncrasies consistently evoked a myriad of reactions in Janeway.
She motioned for Seven to take a seat on the lounge and took a seat herself. The subtly of human non-verbal communication was lost on Seven as she stood tall and straight in front of Janeway.
“Please, take a seat.”
These words Seven understood and she sat down near Janeway. Seven looked even more beautiful up close. The blue of the jumpsuit reflected the colour of Seven’s bright blue eyes.
“Tuvok informed me that it is your…” Seven paused as if she was searching for the correct word, “…. Birthday today.”
Janeway was both flattered and slightly annoyed that Tuvok had divulged this detail to Seven.
“Oh….yes.”
“I have come to assist you in celebrating.”
“Thank you Seven, but I’m not in the mood.”
She hadn’t wanted a fuss. She didn’t even want to celebrate. This birthday, along with the first in the Delta Quadrant, seemed particularly hard. She had to believe, for her crew’s sake and her own, that they would make it home to the Alpha Quadrant. She had to hope. But today she felt particularly despondent. She felt older this birthday and she missed Alison with an aching intensity.
“Am I mistaken Captain? My research indicated that humans anticipate these days with excitement. They bring joy. You are not happy.”
“Ah…,” Janeway sighed. She did not feel up to arguing with Seven nor trying to convince her that she felt anything other than happy. “Seven… you are right, I am not happy.”
“Will you elaborate Captain?”
Seven was persistent, this Janeway knew.
“Yes………” She sighed again.
Janeway relaxed her posture and allowed herself, ever so slightly, to sink into the lounge.
“I was reminiscing about a birthday I had aboard the USS Al-Batani, the first ship I served on.........and missing the person I shared that birthday with.”
“You were friends with this person, this human?’ Asked Seven.
“Yes, very good friends. We attended Starfleet Academy together and both served on the Al-Batani.”
“I do not entirely understand the concept of ‘missing’ another lifeform. But I am aware that there are many emotions experienced.”
“That’s fine Seven… I guess, I am just after a friendly ear.”
“Captain, I do not understand your meaning.”
“I meant another person to listen to my reminiscing.”
Janeway smiled as she realised that there was a hint of self pity in her tone.
“I will comply.” Said Seven.
And with that Janeway launched into divulging her memories to an unlikely listener.
“Alison is her name. She was an exceptional scientist, even straight out of the Academy. I was assigned to the science officer’s position on the Al-Batani, but she deserved it more than me. My command skills trumped her scientific prowess, but she was never jealous nor bitter and we worked together so well. The ship was nearing the end of its five year mission and we knew we would no longer be serving together. I was going to miss her terribly.”
“It was my twenty-ninth birthday. Our Captain and crew were exploring an M class planet, and Alison and I had discovered a previously undescribed macroscopic winged phosphorescent lifeform. She was the expert in exobiology. We were documenting the lifeforms in their native environment. And something wonderful happened. The lifeforms, radiating a soft blue-green phosphorescence, swarmed around her, observing her, but not threatening her. The phosphorescence cast a soft glow around her beautiful face, and in that moment I realised that I was in love with her. They say once you have seen phosphorescent lifeforoms your life will never be the same. And it hasn’t. That birthday has stuck in my mind ever since and I wish sometimes I was back there...... with her.”
“It took me six months to tell her that I was in love with her, but when I did, she said she was in love with me too. And we became lovers.”
“Our new postings meant we barely spent time together over the next few years................ and then I met Mark. Dating two people had never bothered me, but this time I was in love with both of them.”
Janeway paused, almost waiting for a reaction or a question from Seven. Seven barely responded. It wasn’t surprising given that romantic relationships in there myriad of combinations and forms, were new to her. And as far as Janeway could remember and she never mentioned Mark’s existence to Seven. But, this was a coming out of sorts for Janeway, admitting that she was polyamorous without saying the word as such. She rarely spoke of this to those who knew her. Janeway continued.
“I made a stupid choice.” One stupid choice to be monogamous. “I had this compulsion to choose between them. I thought my career would suffer. I didn’t want to do a disservice to either of them and I couldn’t risk loosing her as a friend.”
Janeway looked down for a moment. Reliving the moment she told Alison that they could no longer be together. She raised her eyes and met Seven’s and spoke quietly.
“I let her go. I chose Mark instead of her because I didn’t want to loose her. I was in love with her Seven………” Emotion caught in her throat.
“I am still in love with her. But I let her go………. I regret it. I regret that I chose Mark over her............... I made the wrong choice.”
And it was with these words that the weight of her emotions got the better of Janeway. Her tough exterior started to crack and it was visibly evident to Seven that the Captain was experiencing emotional distress.
“Captain, what can I do to make you happy?”
Oh Seven, don’t go there, Janeway thought. There were many things Seven could do to make her feel better. She longed for an intimate touch, even just a kiss. Alison was so far away, Seven was here with her. Yes, she flirted with Seven, and she enjoyed it, but she couldn’t bring herself to listen to those longings and take action. She had to resist. Taking it to the next level would have compromised her ideals of not having intimate relationships with members of her crew. Seven may not have been Starfleet as such, but she was Seven’s commanding officer and it would be crossing that line.
Janeway gently touched Seven’s hand. She felt a spark. Was it static from Seven or herself? It didn’t matter. She felt it. She looked at Seven for a moment, silent. Seven didn’t pull her hand away.
“Thank you for listening.”
“I will listen to you, if you require it.” Seven said. “I can be your friend.”
“Seven, I....”
“Chakotay to Janeway” over the com pierced the shared moment, just as Janeway was going to tell Seven how much her patient listening had helped. And how it had made her birthday a little less lonely. Janeway tapped her com badge in response and her reminiscences with Seven were over.