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He had always been somewhat of an anxious mess. A commanding force in public, an act like a puppet on a string, and then a screaming mess in private.
Two parts of himself, with little in between. No real hobbies, nothing that allowed him rest. He lived for others, and never for himself.
He was the proof that a pure-blooded Sith could be good, light. Peaceful and dedicated to defending those who could not defend themselves. He was a Jedi, a healer. Warden of the Order. A protector of all that was good, of the Republic and its values. He wasn't a monster, someone dedicated to war, to subjugating others, like most- if not all- the other members of his species.
Kieran had never wanted anything for himself, assuming that his life would always be a push and pull between his public persona and who he truly was, a person who could barely hold himself together, who panicked at the slightest dark thought, who panicked around energies darker than his own- accepting them as they were, and yet so afraid they'd drag him down a path of destruction.
Then he'd met Theron.
Theron was everything Kieran wasn't- so sure of himself, he was funny, witty, smart, he was- charming.
Jedi weren't supposed to- it went against everything he'd been taught, and it was dangerous. It could drag him down the very path he'd always feared, if anything happened to Theron-
But he didn't care.
And Theron didn't seem to care that Kieran was an awkward Jedi in love, barely able to keep himself together in the agent's presence. If anything, he seemed into it.
When the Revanites had gotten hold of him on Rishi- it had been a panic unlike all other. Not the screaming panic attacks that usually plagued him whenever he was alone. It had been fear, and anger, and desperation to get him back. A chill that went down to the very core of his being as he worried that he'd lost the only person in the world who'd made him feel like... Like he could be more than just his species, or just a Jedi. The only person who'd made Kieran feel like was someone rather than something.
He realized that it was dangerous, to... Feel so deeply for another person.
But he didn't care.
Couldn't bring himself to. Couldn't bring himself to reject this attachment, these feelings that made his heart race.
Even after the happenings of Yavin 4, as Republic and Empire went their separate ways- Lana's words that had cut Kieran to his core... Even then he couldn't bring himself to reject Theron, even when he had been given an out.
Joining Satele afterwards, clothes not necessarily neat and hair somewhat messy- Kieran's ponytail completely crooked and loose compared to how he normally kept his hair, he'd been nervous- nervous that she'd notice, that she'd become angry with him. But she'd said nothing. And given no indication that she even noticed something was off, even if she must have. She wasn't blind nor stupid, after all.
What he'd worried about came afterwards.
A holocall had come in, and Kieran took it in private- it was... Less awkward that way.
Satele was, as always, calm and collected. The glow and flicker of the holo didn't subtract from her serene manner, and Kieran gave a polite bow of his head.
"Master Satele," He greeted, "Is there anything I can do for you?"
"Barsen'thor," The Jedi Grand Master said, "I noticed that you've grown close with Theron."
Oh dear. Here it came. He steeled himself, ready for whatever.
"I know that youthful folly is expected in someone who's had a unique upbringing, like you have. You're young, inexperienced. Some would even say sheltered. I just think it would be better if you and Theron keep things professional from now on. After all, there is no-"
"I know the code, Master Satele," Kieran said, cutting her off, feeling... Anger, he supposed, and that was frightening but not necessarily unwelcome, "I've spent a life in isolation studying it. And I know the risks, have considered them, and made my decision."
"I'm only worried that this will end up hurting you. And Theron."
Anger again, and he crossed his arms, "You worry about whether or not I'll be able to put these emotions aside, should the greater good call for it."
"Yes. Given what happened on Yavin 4 only a short while ago-"
He straightened up some, nostrils flaring as he suppressed the urge to yell that it really was none of her business- even though the logical part of him knew it at least partially was.
"I apologize for making you wait on us, Master Satele. I truly do. But I will not offer you any apologies for falling in love with your son, nor do I think you've the right to demand that I do."
"I-"
"Now, if you have the intention to go before the rest of the council to call me out, then state your intentions to do so now, and I will appear to be cast out if that is what is called for. I will give up my position as Jedi Master- which I didn't want. My title as Barsen'thor- which I didn't want. My padawan- that I warned you all I was unprepared for. And my seat on the council, which I tried to turn down."
"I've no intention to do so," The woman said, after a moment of hesitation, "I simply ask that you reconsider, and search within yourself-"
"I have. And my search told me that I will never regret falling in love with Theron, nor will I break his heart by rejecting him now. Something tells me he's been through that enough already in his life."
Satele fell quiet, and Kieran thought he saw, for a moment, pain in her expression though it was gone so quickly again, if that was indeed the case.
"Very well. I won't bring it up again unless it becomes absolutely necessary," She said, "Good day to you, Master Shayal."
"Goodbye, Master Satele." He said, hanging up on her, near collapsing on the spot as all the tension went out of him, and he moved to sit down on the edge of his bed, breathing in deeply. He was shaking, an ever so slight tremble that worked its way through his entire body. But it wasn't the blind panic he normally felt. It was something different. Something that wasn't bad, or even frightening.
Confidence.
Such a strange emotion. But a nice one.
All thanks to Theron. However things ended with him- if they even did- Kieran would never regret this. Not ever.