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Tony stared at the picture frame in his hand. He knew that picture too well by that point, but looked at it every so often to remind himself why he was fighting, as if he could ever really forget. Every minute of his life, Tony saw his face. They looked so carefree in that picture. It was before Thanos, before the snap, before everything had gone to shit right in front of them. It had just been such a good day, one of the ones that fills your heart with joy whenever you think of it. It was doing the opposite for Tony right now.
Mr. Stark? I don’t feel so good.
Peter turned to dust in his arms and then he was blown away and was now nothing. Nothing nothing nothing and it was all Tony’s fault. He never even told Peter how much he meant to him and now it was too late.
Tony took a deep breath in, feeling the familiar pressure behind his eyes, and looked at the picture one more time. They had taken it a winter or two before, when Peter was given some employee award at Stark Industries. Tony didn’t even know what the award was for a few years later, but he knew that if he asked Peter, Peter would know.
Not that he could ask Peter because he was gone, turned to dust, and Tony wasn’t sure when they would get him back, if they would get him back, or how.
You’re alright.
He had told Peter that he was fine, and then he wasn’t, and what if Peter never came back, and Tony’s last words to the kid were-
No. That’s ridiculous. They would get him back. They had to. The world could not go on without Peter in it, and Tony wouldn’t rest until he had Peter back.
I don’t know what’s happening! Save me!
The certificate in the picture was upside down and they hadn’t even realized it at the time. He and Peter were both giving each other bunny ears, thinking they were fooling the other, but had just laughed when they saw how it came out. Peter had been so sure of everything at that moment. Peter had printed it and gotten it a nice little frame and told Tony to keep it. Tony hadn’t wanted to, not at first, but now that Peter was...gone, he was happy to have it.
Tony had tried to avoid saying the other word, the d word, since it had happened because he knew that it wasn’t true. He would come back. He would come back.
I don’t wanna go. I don’t wanna go. Mr. Stark, please, please I don’t wanna go!
He had to come back because Tony heard his voice everywhere he went. Everytime he closed his eyes he could see his son’s face. Begging, pleading for Tony to do something, to help him, but Tony had just stood there and he never even gave the kid a proper hug until it was too late.
I’m sorry.
The words pulled at his heart even a year later but Tony couldn’t turn them off. He would have happily taken the place of Peter, at that moment, just so he would never have to see the kid so broken ever again. He looked down at the picture again and felt the stickiness on his cheeks. He put the picture back down on the desk where it belonged and took a deep breath.
It was like a parallel in his brain. How can someone so happy, so carefree, one minute not even exist the next. All the references that he would make on the spaceship, all the voicemails he would leave, all the-
The voicemails. Tony could hear Peter’s voice again, he had saved all of the voicemails that the kid had left him. He asked FRIDAY to play them all in order.
Tony didn’t realize how much it would hurt, but once he started playing them, he couldn’t stop. It was his son’s voice playing out around the house. Peter was gone, Peter was dead and it was all his fault. Tony slid down the wall and covered his face with his hands, trying to control his breathing. He was sobbing now, rocking back and forth on the floor, and that’s how Pepper found him a while later, cheeks tear stained and voice strained and Tony himself just completely broken.