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Its silver tentacles trembled and hung limp at its sides. A glint of light slid across its visor, and its gears churned rapidly, creating a grinding noise that could be faintly heard outside its body. Those were the only hints that betrayed its distress. After all, its face was emotionless, and the sharpest features on the machine were the several spikes that adorned either side of its neck.
“THE APPLE HAS SPOKEN.” Starman Deluxe laid the golden fruit back on the stone platform. “THE FOUR WILL ARRIVE HERE. THROUGH TIME AND SPACE, THEY WILL SOMEHOW MAKE THEIR WAY TO THIS PLACE. AND THEN...”
Starman Deluxe’s stomach was churning — if you could call the heap of mechanical parts inside its midsection a stomach.
“LORD GIYGAS... WILL BE...”
Starman Deluxe lost its concentration as the ground pulsed underneath its feet. The floor here was not stone, nor was it metal. Instead, it was biological matter. A series of organic tubes, like enormous veins, led to the heart of an infernal machine, towering imposingly at the end of the cavern. A construct of a million organs. The literal brains of their operation. The Devil’s Machine — the abomination that they called their leader — watched with a single quivering eye. From its pupil, soulless tissue swirled like a thick swamp, eventually morphing into the visage of their commander. A wrinkled, white face with cat-like ears. No words came from his mouth.
“LORD GIYGAS.” Starman Deluxe turned its back towards the Apple and faced its leader instead. “THE APPLE HAS ALWAYS PREDICTED THE FUTURE WITHOUT FAIL. IF ITS NEWEST PROPHECY IS TO BECOME TRUE, WE MUST CONCLUDE OUR TASKS BEFORE THE CHILDREN ARRIVE AT THIS PLACE.”
The face of Giygas — a pale canvas painted only by red eyes — swirled about like a vortex. Then, the flesh melted away into a sea of meaningless tissue. Starman Deluxe stepped back with heavy footsteps. From the Devil’s Machine, something new was emerging. Liquefied cells took the shape of a ball cap. Two beady eyes opened up — black holes threatening to swallow all their efforts.
It was the face of the chosen.
“NESS.” Starman Deluxe said. “HE WILL DESTROY ALL WE HAVE WORKED FOR.”
The Devil's Machine said nothing. That solemn silence was shared by all gathered in the pulsating chambers. Starman Deluxe turned towards its allies, only to see they were dropping to their knees, a show of final respect. Bionic Krakens howled out in distress, tears leaking from where their eyes should have been. A Nuclear Power Robot, its stringy arms flying in every direction, tumbled to the ground with a plume of fire. Shamblers covered their faces with their tentacles and gurgled in distress. It was not long before everyone was panicking over their impending fate.
"REMAIN CALM." Starman Deluxe's booming voice echoed through the cavern. "THERE IS TIME LEFT YET. IF LORD GIYGAS FALLS, THE WAR WILL STILL CONTINUE. THE TECHNOLOGY STOLEN FROM US WILL BE RECLAIMED, AND THEIR RACE ANNHILATED. WE MUST FOCUS ON THE DIRECTIVES. IF NOT, THE CHANCE OF FAILURE IS MADE CERTAIN."
"Get real, Metal Moron." The nasal voice blared from behind the Devil's Machine. Moments later, he revealed himself, the legs of his mech scraping against the floor. With every stride his vehicle made, faint cuts were left in the meat beneath him. A single eye on the front of his mech surveyed his surroundings. A glass cockpit shielded his already paling face. Smiling with his crooked teeth out, Porky held his chin up with a palm, and Starman Deluxe immediately felt its processors begin to overheat.
"THE BOY." Starman Deluxe vented a burst of steam. “I HAD ESTIMATED THAT YOU WOULD NOT ARRIVE LATE DESPITE PILOTING A TIME MACHINE.”
"Geez, maybe I should warp a few minutes ahead and skip your whining!" Porky blew a raspberry, and strands of his greasy blond hair waved around in front of his mouth. "Oh, I'm Starman Deluxe, and I’m really, really strong! And here you are, hiding millions of years in the past with your clueless leader, and even that's not gonna stop Ness."
Porky’s tone was so grating that all the surrounding forces were finally able to get their minds off the Apple’s prophecy. As robots and aliens alike snapped out of their anxious fits, they found themselves staring at the chubby, wise-mouthed child instead. Starman Deluxe was none too pleased, either. It folded his arms at its side, and an invisible scowl carved across his face. It had never liked Porky. Having to answer to this brat now that Giygas was slipping away from sanity? That was just adding insult to injury.
A flash of deconstructed atoms, and Starman Deluxe vanished from sight. It appeared behind Porky moments later, its pose as stiff as steel. Unfortunately for the machine, Porky wasn’t fazed. Instead, he just released a stinky gas — and it definitely wasn't coming from his mech’s exhaust hatch.
"Oh, no! I wonder where Starman Deluxe went! Maybe he's gone to his appointment at Stonehenge in 199X. Don't you have some abductees to guard, shiny cheeks?" Porky struggled to turn himself around in his cockpit, his many rolls of fat drooping onto the nearby control panels. When he finally found himself glaring into Starman Deluxe's visor, he scoffed. "Aw, I’m sorry. Did I hurt your feelings? I didn’t realize you had any.”
"MY UNDERSTANDING WAS THAT LORD GIYGAS WANTED TO RETRIEVE THE STOLEN TECHNOLOGY FROM THE HUMANS." Starman Deluxe tapped the glass window between itself and Porky with a single tendril. Shamblers, UFOs, and Octobots sneered, their contempt for the boy betrayed by their grinding teeth and gears. The Devil's Machine churned, too, shaking the entire room.
"But Master Giygas likes me,” Porky said. “Oh, and my winning strategy.”
"EXPOUND ON THIS STRATEGY."
"Look — there's no need to play dumb. And not just because you are dumb, by the way!" Porky slapped his belly, leaving a mustard stain on the front of his pinstripe tuxedo. "My strategy... is making Giygas stronger. Making Giygas badder! Crushing the enemy at every corner! And, y’know, you guys need that sort of help. We've all heard the stories. Just a few years ago, some kids beat you aliens with a bedtime lullaby!"
The room fell into a sudden silence. The Devil's Machine began to rumble even more violently, its polymorphous face melting back into nothingness and vanishing from sight. Porky snickered, turning his nose up into the air. Interrupting this cocky display, however, was a pair of silver tentacles slapping against his mech's glass cockpit. Starman Deluxe leaned closer, psychic power glowing at the tips of its tendrils.
“Ugh...” Porky gave a frustrated sigh. “What is it now?”
"YOU DARE NOT INSULT LORD GIYGAS,” Starman Deluxe said. “THERE ARE HUMANS OTHER THAN YOU MORE FIT FOR YOUR POSITION. YOU ARE FORTUNATE TO BE HERE AT ALL. YOU ARE FORTUNATE TO HAVE NOT BEEN OBLITERATED FOR YOUR INSOLENCE!”
"Shut up! Shut up, shut up, shut up! That's enough of your stupidness!" Porky pushed a pudgy finger against the cockpit's window, his other hand wrapped firmly around a control stick. The mech's legs shuffled about, continuing to slice open the organic tubes on the floor. "Master Giygas won't obliterate me. Wanna know why? 'Cause he trusts me to guide him to victory. I'm gonna be the one that helps him defy fate."
"A PROPHECY CANNOT BE BEATEN INTO SUBMISSION.”
"You’re just saying that ‘cause it’s never been done before. He's gonna have to gather even more power than he's already got!" Porky cackled with delight. "How're we gonna let some prophecy about space and time boss us around? We shouldn't back down for anything! Master Giygas... he'll be so powerful, space and time will be beneath him. And then, we won't have to care about what some stupid apple thinks. So how about that?"
The Devil's Machine churned once more, and the eye of the device drew in a wisp of air. The resulting sound was like labored breathing, and Porky watched with a giddy smile, his fingers interlocked. Starman Deluxe turned around to see if anyone else was as disgusted as it was. Sure enough, the other robots and aliens seemed equally as frustrated. It was almost as if Lord Giygas was the only one who liked Porky, and even that was uncertain.
"He's gathering more power," Porky said. "Master Giygas may never get to leave that nasty machine again, but at least he'll be strong enough to kick destiny in the butt. We don't care about what that stupid Apple of Enlightenment says anymore. If Ness and his friends show up here, they'll be mincemeat. You can bet your butt on it!"
He jerked his control sticks forward, and the mech bum-rushed through the crowd. Mooks and Whirling Robos toppled like dominos as Porky carelessly flung them aside. Starman Deluxe barely avoided the same fate, warping a few feet away and watching the carnage from a safe distance.
“Later, potaters!" Porky, cackling with delight, vanished through the entrance to Giygas's chamber. The murmurs of the alien armies became even louder as they expressed their discontent with Porky Minch. Hisses, roars, and the literal grinding of gears filled the room. The sound was subdued at first; a minute later, it had become deafening. Giygas, however, refused to comment. He merely subsisted on his hatred for Ness, his power ever-growing.
Starman Deluxe, its body trembling, turned to the Devil's Machine. It stooped to its knee and showed its respects to Giygas. The alien overlord did nothing in response. Not even a recreation of his face emerged from the eye of the device. It only released a horrible sound — the high-pitched squeal of his power continued to multiply. His army awaited orders, but none came. They were gazing upon a guardian who had since become senile. Their once-ambitious leader was nothing more than a tool now.
Porky’s tool.
Starman Deluxe felt its quivering grow even more violent.
"MY DIRECTIVE IS TO GO TO STONEHENGE," it said. "I FIND IT NECESSARY, HOWEVER, TO SECURE THIS STRONGHOLD FIRST. PORKY BELIEVES THAT STRENGTH MIGHT DEFY DESTINY. HE HAS MISCALCULATED. I POSIT AN ALTERNATIVE. EVEN IF STRENGTH CANNOT DEFY DESTINY, IT CAN DEFY... INDIGNITY."
The hordes of aliens and robots grumbled in agreement, rallying behind Starman Deluxe. Their backs turned to the Devil’s Machine, they slithered and stomped and slid towards the chamber's exit — towards where Porky had stomped away. Ness and his friends would make their way there eventually. The Apple had foretold it. But there was a more pressing issue. A human had already infiltrated, and Master Giygas was already in danger.
Their trot into the Cave of the Past turned into a charge. Their ranks filed out into the spacious world waiting outside of Giygas's chambers, a place where the air was misty and the ground was nothing more than lifeless rock. Starman Deluxe led the rampage along the crags and the cliffsides. Mooks slithered like snakes. UFOs whizzed about erratically. Even the Bionic Krakens could not contain themselves, swimming through the air, belching flames into the sky. They needed to find the greatest threat to their master. They needed to find Porky Minch and put him in his place.
He was a human usurper, and he needed to be stopped.
"TARGET LOCATED." Starman Deluxe raised a silver tendril towards the end of the stony path. The glass cockpit of the mech was popped open, allowing clouds of fog to waft inside the device. Porky no longer occupied its seat — he sat on the ground instead. As he leaned against the side of the machine, he held a yo-yo’s string between his fingers, and he grunted in frustration.
“How does he...?” The red yo-yo tumbled down, reached the end of its rope, and did not return to its peak. Porky suddenly looked up at the armada of alien invaders, their eyes all trained upon him. With a sigh, Porky brought himself up to his feet, dusting off the butt of his pants. "Hey, what's the big idea? You're all looking at me like you're mad about something. What’s got your undies in a bunch, huh?"
"YOU." Starman Deluxe lumbered closer, its tentacles held at its side. A moment later, intense flashes of light emerged at the ends of its tendrils. Suddenly, high in the sky above them, the fabric of reality tore asunder, making way for a sparkling vision of the cosmos. It was a snapshot of outer space, filled with brilliant specks that twinkled with many different colors. However, some of those specks were quickly growing bigger and brighter. “I WILL NOT HESITATE TO SHOWER YOU WITH STARS IF YOU DO NOT DEPART AT ONCE. LEAVE US, PORKY. LEAVE US, AND NEVER RETURN.”
“Leave and never return?” Porky laughed. “You’re betraying me?”
“YOU ARE THE ONE WHO HAS BETRAYED US. WE ARE HERE FOR A SINGLE DIRECTIVE. THAT IS TO RETRIEVE THE STOLEN TECHNOLOGY FROM HUMANITY, AND TO ELIMINATE THE EFFECTS IT HAS HAD ON THIS CIVILIZATION.”
"You’re seriously still on that? The technology!? Waaaaahhhh!" Porky's play-pretending crying sounded more like a dying pig. It was enough to send Starman Deluxe's tentacles right over where its ears would have been. The rest of the alien troops writhed and howled, eager to shut Porky up by force. "Do you think Giygas still cares about stolen technology? Do you think he gives a care about his spat with his adoptive daddy? No!"
Porky chucked the yo-yo back into the cockpit of the mech. As he did, his long bangs swayed away from his eyes, revealing they were bloodshot. Starman Deluxe knew the red lightning within his gaze could only mean one of two things. Option one: Porky had pinkeye — maybe from never washing his hands after using the bathroom. Option two: Porky had finally gone crazy.
"I'm so bored with this," Porky said. "All your potential, and it’s wasted on this stolen technology you won't shut up about. Master Giygas is capable of much more than avenging some shoplifted merchandise. Once he's done gathering power, this won't be about your little grudge match anymore. This will be about the whole universe, baby."
Starman Deluxe gave a mechanical snarl. Above its head, the stars in the dimensional pocket flashed with intense brightness. The storm was brewing, and it wouldn’t be long before it started raining.
"Lord Giygas," Porky whispered, "will send all to the horror of eternal darkness. Doesn't that sound exciting...!?"
"LORD GIYGAS IS NO LONGER YOUR WEAPON TO WIELD." Starman Deluxe swung one of its tentacles downwards, and the glimmering stars above its head pulsed with light. "DO NOT UNDERESTIMATE US!”
Starman Deluxe's allies backed away, their eyes locked upon the oncoming storm of stars. Porky craned his neck towards the meteor shower, stroking his many chins, and gave an amused grin. The meteorites came closer, and they were so vibrantly blue that they threatened to burn out the retinas of anyone who dared to watch. When the first of those celestial bodies made impact with the ground, Porky disappeared in a cloud of dust and light. His mech, too, was lost among the carnage. Starman Deluxe backed away as the army cheered. Their battle cries echoed throughout the Cave of the Past, and the rain of PK Starstorm continued. Porky's obnoxious smile, his bloodshot eyes, and his stumpy, obese body — everything about him was gone.
Starman Deluxe's visor glinted with a glimmer of hope.
"THE PIG HAS BEEN NEUTRALIZED!" Its words were barely audible over the sound of exploding stars. "LORD GIYGAS IS FREE!"
The last of Starman Deluxe's meteors crashed into the lifeless grey ground. The endless rows of alien forces watched and shrieked in delight. They wanted him dead. And Starman Deluxe knew that Porky Minch could not have possibly survived. According to its calculations, the chance of living through the horror of PK Starstorm was approximately zero percent. Unfortunately for Starman Deluxe, even a machine’s calculations could be clouded by hate.
"Starman Deluxe, you worthless prototype." Those five words emerged from the cloud of dust, and in an instant, Starman Deluxe felt its processors grind to a halt. The taps of mechanical legs could be heard, shuffling around in the distance. Their nemesis was hidden in the clouds of dust — out of sight, yet not out of mind. The whooping and hollering of the alien armies sharply turned into grumbles of confusion and panic.
"IMPOSSIBLE." Starman Deluxe placed a tentacle placed over its chest. "SHOW YOURSELF, INTERLOPER, SO THAT I MAY DECOMMISSION YOU!"
"You're so predictable. I can read you like a fast food menu! Spankety, spankety, spankety!" As the dust began settling on the ground, Porky stormed into view, his smirking face shielded by the mech's glass cockpit. With a slap of a button, his mechanism belched missiles and bombs, raining onto Giygas's forces. Mooks, Octobots, and UFOs vanished within plumes of fiery retribution. "Ready or not, here I come! "
A series of uneasy grunts echoed through the cavern. Bursting through the crowd of Giygas's soldier came two Shamblers, their tentacles flailing at their sides. With flashes of light, laser beams burst from their bulbous eyes, soaring straight towards Porky’s cockpit. However, they bounced off the glass almost harmlessly. With a sneer and a laugh, Porky smacked a button, and his mech doled out a laser of its own. It was a needle of light, ready to pierce the crowd straight down the middle. Starman Deluxe stepped aside in the nick of time, but some of his allies were not as lucky. The Shamblers evaporated into ash within a single moment. Others still vanished within the hellish light. And as pillars of flame burst across the cave's stone floor, the shouts of the alien army grew louder and louder.
"Honestly, it's like you want to get turned into a crisp! Maybe that'd be a good experience for you. Turned into pathetic little chicken nuggets!" Porky smacked the button again, and another laser whizzed out of his mechanism’s eyeball. But Starman Deluxe leapt out in front and concentrated its energy. Suddenly, a shield constructed itself out of nothingness, tackling the laser head-on. Two unfathomable powers struck against each other, and with an explosion of sparkling light, both beam and barrier evaporated.
"YOU CLAIM STRENGTH TO BE ESSENTIAL TO SUCCESS," Starman Deluxe said. "YET YOU HAVE NO STRENGTH OF YOUR OWN. IT COMES FROM THAT MACHINE."
"Lord Giygas gave me one of his most powerful devices instead of you?" Porky put a pair of fists up and wiped imaginary tears from his eyes. "It's kinda funny, isn't it? You wouldn’t use this thing for anything useful anyway. You aliens waste all your potential. You have time travel, for Pete's sake. You change reality to be whatever you want it to be — and you don’t! "
"IT IS NOT SO SIMPLE." Starman Deluxe's silver face nearly turned red. “TIME CAN RESIST. TIME CAN LOCK YOU OUT.”
"I'd like to see it try," Porky snickered.
The carnage continued. Soaring in from the far reaches of the cavern was a squadron of UFOs, their weapons trained on Porky. Some wore flashy ribbons, and others were bright shades of pink, but no fashion accessories would stop the Pig King's assault. From the backside of his mech, a series of missiles blasted into the air, and the flying saucers were no match for them. One after another, they erupted into plumes of orange fire, their wreckage raining upon the cavern floor.
"You're making this way too easy for me. I have more trouble getting out of bed in the morning!" As Porky cackled, he sprayed a film of saliva onto his mech's glass cockpit. Suddenly, he stopped laughing, and he slammed his fist on the control panel. "But I'm getting really bored of this."
The legs of his mech creaked as Porky readied the next attack. Starman Deluxe, terrified of what was coming, fired off a defensive volley of beams. Each of the glowing rays evaporated against the side of Porky's mech, leaving only faint trails of smoke. Then, the machine charged forward — and its headstrong rush could not be stopped. Porky tore into the crowd of alien attackers, flinging them in any direction he saw fit. None were spared from his overweight onslaught. Their gurgles and squeals were like an anthem of destruction.
"CEASE THIS!" Starman Deluxe begged as an unconscious pair of Mooks landed at its feet. "PORKY! M-MASTER PORKY! WE WILL DO AS YOU WISH!"
"What's that, Metal Moron?" Porky flashed an insincere smile. "Surely you're not surrendering, are you? What sort of loser just gives up that easily? I'm only getting started!"
The loudest roar of them all erupted through the cavern, and every pair of eyes swung in its direction. A twisting monstrosity swam through the air, its many locks of crimson hair trailing behind it. The serpent — the fearsome Bionic Kraken — was ready to end this war. Its mouth opened like a bear trap, and from the depths of its throat, a vortex of air swirled around at incredible speeds. It was a tornado, and it was threatening to tear apart the entire cavern if it meant stopping Porky’s onslaught.
"...You know what?" Porky looked down on his mech and sighed longingly. "This machine of mine... it's really cool, I have to say. It's almost like Lord Giygas expected all of you to rebel against me."
The Bionic Kraken's whirlwind tripled in size, and with a crackling sound, lightning began arcing from its mouth, too. The electric bolts crashed and boomed and banged, each ready to erase Porky from the fabric of reality. Then, one final ingredient was added to the mix. Plumes of fire poured from the Bionic Kraken’s mouth, immediately raising the cave’s temperature by a couple of degrees. Anyone in their right mind would have run.
"Stupid things," Porky whispered to himself. "Struggle all you want. You're nothing compared to me."
The Bionic Kraken's psychokinetic storm came closer. The shrieks of the tornado were almost deafening.
"I'm the most clever, most charming, most trouble-making boy ever," Porky said.
Ever so near now. Porky faced chaos and oblivion, yet he laughed.
"...I'm Master Porky Minch."
He sprung into the storm without even blinking.
Starman Deluxe and his minions could only watch in awe as Porky sailed through the deathly tornado. Lightning crackled against the edges of his mech. Flames swirled against his glass window. Yet somehow, with only faint sparks flying from his machine, the little monster resisted the Bionic Kraken's strongest attack. Then, just as he was about to soar directly into the creature’s mouth, a glorious beam of light erupted from the mech's eye — and directly down the Bionic Kraken’s throat. The serpent howled, its mouth slamming shut and the cyclones pouring from its stomach coming to a sudden halt. Then, the Bionic Kraken crashed against the ground, and it was like the entire world was trembling.
Eventually, Porky and his mech landed on the creature's head. Its mechanical legs dug into the Bionic Kraken's flesh, and its scales peeled away and drifted onto the ground. The largest member of their arsenal had fallen. Starman Deluxe and all the other aliens all had a horrible realization. Against Porky, there was nothing they could do.
"Since I've got everyone's attention, listen up." Porky cranked his control sticks forward, and his mech’s legs pierced even deeper into the Bionic Kraken. "I'm not a big fan of you guys, as you might've figured out by now. So here's how this is going to work. Starman DX is going to Stonehenge. I’m going to watch the Devil’s Machine. And everyone else is going to leave me and Master Giygas alone. Run around out here. Guard the place. I don't even care."
Beneath him, the Bionic Kraken kept whimpering and twitching.
"Master Giygas is going to be more powerful than anything else. And it's all because of me. I'm in charge here. You're in my hands! My excellent, powerful hands, you weakling stinklings! Spankety, spankety, spankety!"
One by one, the alien troops dropped to their knees. Those who were incapable of kneeling only watched in horrified silence instead. Starman Deluxe felt a circuit burst into sparks near the top of its head. A human was in charge, and Master Giygas was nothing more than a puppet.
"Oh, look at everyone bowing down. They're ready to do my bidding!" Porky narrowed his gaze at Starman Deluxe, his eyes somehow piercing through the greasy blond locks dropping over his forehead. "And that means you as well, Mr. I'm-So-Special. Why don't you warp on out of here already? Aren’t you supposed to be babysitting at Stonehenge?"
Starman Deluxe staggered towards the mech — but not too close.
"YOU WILL FACE CONSEQUENCES EVENTUALLY," Starman Deluxe said.
"I'm not so sure about that," Porky said. "Why don't you ask your stupid Apple of Enlightenment for a second opinion? Actually, scratch that. Just get lost! Leave! Leave now!"
"PORKY..."
"I said leave!" Porky snarled.
Starman Deluxe gave an exasperated mechanical sigh, its tendrils coiling like snakes. How tempting it was to try to lash out again. How wonderful it would have been to turn Porky into a smear on the ground. But at this point, Starman Deluxe felt like it was impossible. They had travelled lightyears to invade this planet, only to invite this Earthling into their inner circle. The Apple was right. The war had already been lost.
With no other choices, Starman Deluxe vanished in a pillar of light. Giygas was nothing more than the crown jewel of a mad emperor now — and the reign of the pig king had finally begun.
* * * * *
As four robots trudged along, their metallic footsteps echoed throughout the cavern. Their bodies were lifeless grey blocks that somehow possessed life. Even the hallways of flesh and blood around them seemed more alive than they did. All the same, they could not stop now. They knew there was a prophecy they had to fulfill. They knew they had to save the entire universe from Giygas's wrath, and even if the conflict's conclusion had already been decided, it did little to calm their nerves.
They did not speak. They only trudged forward until their travels came to a sudden stop. They had come face-to-face with the Devil's Machine, the repugnant creation that served as Giygas's resting place. The evil force detected the presence of the chosen children and trembled. The entire room quaked around them, yet the four kept their balance. Ness, Paula, Jeff, and Poo — they had experienced more hardships and strife than anyone else their age. To collapse now would mean the end of the world.
From a pool of liquefied flesh, a face began sprouting on the eye of the Devil's Machine. It was Ness’s face — its eyes were black as night, its mouth twisted into a mortified frown. Then, a hissing noise emerged from above. A sea of atoms was manifesting from nothingness. Metallic legs. A glass cockpit. A pudgy, sneering face. He snorted like a pig as his mech dropped to the ground, and Giygas continued to stir as Ness and Porky sized each other up.
His next-door neighbor — now the most powerful person in existence.
"Ness! Are you surprised? It's me, Porky."