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The words echo in his head over and over as he and his brother stare at each other in the silence of the war room with wide eyes. Sam could see it clear on his face. Instant regret over the words Sam knew Dean always thought, but had always known better than to say up until now. You didn’t love her like I did. You didn’t love her like I did. You didn’t love her like I did…
Sam’s the first to look away, staring at the ground, eyes burning, and he stands to leave. “Sam, wait, I didn’t me-”
“Yeah you did,” he cuts Dean off, stopping still looking at the ground, and sits back down. Suddenly, Sam felt like he was younger, arguing about how all he ever wanted was to get away from a life he never wanted. If it weren’t for pictures I wouldn’t even know what mom looks like.
“Y’know… it’s worse knowing she was here?” Dean’s face twists in confusion. Sam looks him in the eye again, tears starting to stream. I just don’t look at family the way that you do.
“What?” he asks, sitting up.
“She was here, right in front of us, and I tried… I really did. I wanted to believe that things could be different. That I-I could fill in that blank, and that I could try and form some bond with her while she was here. A-and I was so close, y’know? And then she's killed because of a choice I made.” Sam’s voice remained almost completely even despite the tears, like he’d already accepted the truth behind his words and was just saying it for Dean's sake. You had something with her I never had. And now-
“Sam-”
“But, no you were right, Dean. I couldn’t love her like you did. I couldn’t, and now I have to accept that I would never have be able to,” Sam wiped his eyes, his expression went completely blank. “I guess that was just always supposed to be on me too, right?”