Work Text:
Slow and sad the light of the candle grows dim, like a man who’s lost himself fades away, slow and sad.
Charles Xavier had always been a confident and outgoing man, maybe a bit overconfident, before meeting Erik Lehnsherr: he didn’t really know what had convinced him to dive into the sea, that night, to save a man he didn’t know. Maybe it had been the memories that stranger brought with himself, maybe the grief, the sufferance he had been bearing for so many years. There was something amazing in that upset mind, something worth knowing.
Charles had been inside many heads, but he had never touched a mind like that. He knew that his power could give him the feeling of knowing someone before even meeting him, but never it had happened with such a strength and rush. He already knew Erik before even seeing him, he knew he would have been important for him, for mutants, for the whole world. Unfortunately, he didn’t know in which way.
But still Charles had saved him, convinced him to stay, helped him control his power and by the time Erik had learnt how to deflect a bullet directed to his forehead, he knew he had fallen for him.
« Erik, I think I love you. »
« Charles, I simply moved a spoon. You should stop being so enthusiastic about any silly thing. »
« How can I stop, when I can witness a power almost equal to mine? »
« Almost, uh? Charles Xavier, you are an arrogant twat. »
« Maybe I am! » Charles laughed « Maybe I am. »
« You certainly are. » Erik said, turning his back to the telepath.
Day was slowly giving way to the night, and that gave Charles courage.
I was not joking.
« I know you weren’t joking! No need to get into my head to let me know you’re a dick. »
I mean, I was not joking about loving you.
Erik laughed to himself, not really paying attention to what his friend had just said; he was looking outside the window, captured by the vivid colors of the sunset. He couldn’t remember the last time he had seen colors so vibrantly, almost exploding inside his mind. He couldn’t remember the last time he had felt so peaceful and happy.
« Charles, did you see this? Look at this sunset. Never seen anything like that. »
« Yes, I know. »
I know very well.
That last thought from Charles made Erik realize: that sunset had nothing special, its colors couldn’t be that vivid. It was a trick.
« What are you doing to my mind? » he asked alarmed, turning to face Charles.
The telepath smiled, resting his back on the wall behind him and closing his eyes.
« I am just stimulating the part of your brain that elaborates what you see. »
Erik had a conflicted look on his face, as he obviously felt upset about that intrusion; but it was also pleasing him. Charles could feel his friend’s mind was in delight and who wouldn’t be, while enjoying such a surreal sight? And there was nothing better than being inside Erik’s mind while it was that serene and calm.
I will leave, if you want.
« Stay. »
That single word made Charles smile with relief: he was scared that Erik would banish him from his mind, from his beautiful mind. There was still so much to discover, in that twirl of complex feelings and emotions. Being a telepath, Charles could have easily discovered if his love was reciprocated; but he preferred living in the illusion that, yes, that man loved him and felt the same way about him. His hope was strengthened by the fact that when Erik was thinking of him, his thoughts were warm. In all that cold, Charles was like a glimmering flame in the snow.
« What were you saying to me? »
Charles winced at Erik’s questioning voice, having almost forgotten that he had declared himself not only once, but twice in the past hour.
« Nothing. »
I’m not brave enough.
« Charles, you’re still inside my mind. » Erik grinned « I can hear you. What do you mean, you are not brave? »
« I am such an idiot, my friend. Forgive me. » the other one said, leaving his friend’s mind at once.
The sunset immediately lost its unrealistically vivid colors, leaving a sense of void inside of Erik; he could feel the anger come back, the frustration, the sorrow.
« Why did you leave? I… I liked that. »
« Of course you liked that. » Charles said with a sarcastic tone « Who doesn’t like some telepathic stimulation? »
« Now you are being an asshole. »
« I am not an asshole, Erik. I am a man who can read minds and I would never wish this upon my worst enemy, let alone the person I… let alone my best friend. »
« So you are scared that I could read your mind? » Erik charmingly smiled « What dirty secrets are you hiding in there? Is it something humankind shouldn’t see? Maybe that woman, that Moira? »
« Leave her out of this, she has nothing to do with this. »
« Then what is it, Charles? You can read our minds but we can’t read yours? Because it would be a burden too hard to deal with? Bullocks, my dear friend, and you know that. Let me enter, for once. »
« I… » Charles brought his hand to his temple. He had never exposed himself and he was deadly scared.
I can’t let you wander through my mind, Erik. It’s too complex, and I am not bragging about my intellect; you would get lost.
« But you can lead me. »
« It’s not that easy. »
« I trust you. »
Charles looked at him for what seemed an eternity, before making his choice.
« Close your eyes. » he asked and so did Erik.
Charles closed his eyes, breathing deeply to calm down.
He had made a big mistake with Erik, granting him all his trust; he couldn’t believe he had let that man enter his mind so easily and he felt so upset recalling those moments. Most of all, because they were the best memories he had.
He tried to stand up from his chair, but ended up falling on the cold floor. The serum’s effect was going away.
« Hank? » he said with feeble voice « Hank, please… »
Then he remembered that Hank wasn’t in the mansion; he bit his lip and tried to move himself using the strength of his arms. He wanted to stand up on his legs, he knew he could do that.
Carefully he tried again, leaning on the table next to him. He screamed for the painful effort, trying to lift himself up and stand on his feet.
« Come on, Charles, you can do it. » he said to himself.
He finally tried to take a step but his legs gave in, making him tumble down; the pain he felt wasn’t as much as the sorrow for not being able to stand up. Not because he couldn’t walk, but because the loss of his legs was Erik’s fault – and that was just another reason to think of him.
Even worse, his telepathy was coming back.
« Stop, stop, please! » he cried out while listening to all those voices in his head. Above all, he could clearly hear Erik’s stunned voice ringing through his ears…
« Charles, your mind! Your mind is astonishing. »
« Sounds like a bad pick-up line. »
But Charles was grinning while hearing those words: he knew his mind was a really complex place and Erik looked like he had just discovered wonderland. His eyes were sparkling as he looked into the void, showing off his joyful smile.
« Anyway, I am leading you Erik. I am choosing what you see. »
« Ah, always being yourself. »
No. I just want you to see something.
« Then show me, my brainy friend. »
Charles smiled. His heart was thumping so hard against his chest he was pretty sure anyone close enough could have heard it, but was relieved seeing that Erik was too lost inside his mind to pay attention. He brought his fingers to his temples and…
« Charles? » Erik murmured, staring at himself « That’s just me? »
Don’t trust your eyes, my friend. Listen with your mind and your heart.
Erik had a puzzled look on his face, but eventually did what Charles was asking him to.
He felt a flow of positive emotions pervade his body, like a surge of mixed feelings he couldn’t really discern. He looked at himself and saw what an amazing man he was; handsome, tough, sensitive, with a good heart and good purposes. There were hope and admiration echoing in his mind. Erik never thought he could have looked at himself with such pride and respect.
He stared at his own eyes in front of him, more vivid than ever, and brought a hand to his face: he was crying.
As I already said, there’s much more to you than you know.
Then it hit him. It hit Erik with the strength of an avalanche, a thousand suns exploding, a punch straight to his face. He was in Charles’s mind: that was what Charles saw in him.
« It can’t be real. » Erik stuttered « You can’t feel like this about me. There is no way anyone could feel like this about me. »
I knew you wouldn’t believe me if I told you. That’s why I’m letting you feel it.
« Charles » Erik said with broken voice « you are one crazy, crazy idiot. »
I am. I am an idiot because I don’t even have the nerve to look into your eyes while showing you this. That’s why you are looking into your own eyes.
« I never thought I could be capable of this. Do I really have this light in my eyes, Charles? Am I really worthy of this pride and admiration? Right now, I could lift a bridge with just one finger. And just because of the way you see me. »
I am not done, my friend. You are –
« I want to hear it from you » Erik stopped him « look at me, Charles. I want to hear your voice. I need to hear it from you. »
Petrified for having been interrupted, Charles left his friend’s mind; they were back into the mansion’s kitchen. Erik touched his tears and saw they were real, he had been crying like a baby.
He tried to hide his face, but Charles disapproved.
« Your reaction is pretty normal. Such emotions are difficult to control and inside the human mind they are a lot more intense. »
« You made a grown man cry. »
« Hope they were happy tears. »
Erik slowly smiled and nodded.
« Listen, Erik. Since the first moment my mind touched yours, I knew there was something special inside of you. I don’t usually dive into the sea to save strangers. I felt something about you that was just too intense to let it go. Now, I hope I am not being reckless with the words I am about to say. I just think you are worthy of any good word and admiration. I felt your pain, your sorrow, and I would be insincere if I told you that this didn’t have a role in my initial affection; that alone, though, couldn’t explain the way I feel, right now, about you. But even then, how can you explain a storm without seeing it? How can you explain a fire if it hasn’t burnt you? You cannot, my friend. Erik, I love you. I’ve fallen for you, so deeply that I can’t get out of it. Not that easily. I am not the best with words and I don’t want to sound cocky. I am sorry if this sentence is so repeatedly used that it doesn’t hold anymore the immense feeling it should transmit. But it is what it is – I love you. And you have your experience inside my mind to prove my emotions are real and don’t lack significance. »
Erik was paralyzed: he didn’t expect Charles to open himself up like a flood.
He closed his eyes and opened them, not sure if that was reality.
« I don’t know what to say. »
« Then, don’t say anything at all. »
Charles cautiously approached Erik’s face, brushing their noses. His friend didn’t move, his expression was impossible to read.
Erik, please. Kiss me. Love me. Please.
He closed his eyes, and was surprised when he felt Erik’s lips against his, soon before embracing him in a slow and seductive kiss. His mind exploded, along with his chest; he probably couldn’t control his thoughts anymore – and what kind of thoughts! – because Erik couldn’t stop smirking into the kiss, as if he was reading directly into Charles’s mind. And when his hand lingered on the telepath’s belt buckle for a little too much longer, he felt his heart take flight…
« Charles! What are you doing on the floor! »
Strong arms lifted Charles up, holding him tight.
« Erik? Erik, you’re back? »
Hank looked down at his broke friend: it was hard to stare at his devastated face, his red and swollen eyes. He didn’t find the nerve to say that no, he wasn’t Erik, he wasn’t the man who had stolen both their lives.
« I am bringing you to bed. And I’ll give you the serum, is that okay? »
« Okay… okay, but don’t leave me again. Please. »
Hank looked at him and felt his heart clench. How sad was witnessing such a smart and hopeful man lose faith and himself, slow and sad, just like the light of a candle grows dim, slow and sad.