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The pills came first. She reached out to an acquaintance after having a nervous breakdown when she found out the truth about who and what she was. They told Alison they knew a guy. It was sketchy but the desperation squashed any doubt she had. The problems with Donny, her family, and just the pressures of everything were getting to her. Alison needed something.
In the beginning it started with just one or two pills when she was feeling nervous or overwhelmed but as time passed on Alison found she needed more. She would meet Ramon in the supermarket which soon became their usual place. He’d give her the pills and Alison would give him the money.
The drinking was always present but Alison was a social drinker and never considered it a problem. It only become worse because she couldn’t cope with the news of being a clone. Alison just wanted to be a normal wife and mother. Being a clone didn’t fit into that image.
When Cosima came into the picture Allison called Ramon up and bought a gun. This whole clone conspiracy was starting to get serious. If she wanted to protect her family then purchasing a firearm was the only way to do it. This didn’t seem to be a problem with the other clones though. It was the drinking and pills that seemed to hit a nerve.
“Should you really do that in front of me?” Beth first posed the question to Alison soon after Cosima joined their little clone club. She made a martini and took a pill. It didn’t matter if Beth was there to see. What did Alison care?
“Why not?”
“Alison, I’m a cop.”
“So?” she muttered. “This is screwed up, Beth and the only way I know how to deal with it.”
Beth sighed. “Just don’t go overboard, okay?”
Alison huffed. “I don’t go overboard.”
It had come to the point where Alison needed them in order to function. Without them she didn’t think she could be a good wife or mother. She wasn’t as strong as Beth but she wanted to be. In time Alison got over the shock and was determined to deal with it without the use of pills and drinking.
The gun was going to stay though after Beth promised to start giving her lessons. They met at the shooting range one weekend once Alison made an excuse to Donnie and Beth to Paul so they could meet without raising any eyebrows.
“Am I holding it right?”
Beth laughed softly and came up behind Alison. “You want to hold it like this.”
She shifted her position. “Like this?”
“Move your arms up a bit and try to relax them.” Beth came close again to fix her position and patted Alison’s shoulder once she was satisfied she had it right.
“Please tell me I have it now.”
Beth smiled. “Go ahead and shoot.”
It turned out that Alison wasn’t a natural but through multiple lessons she got the hang of it. If it hadn’t been for Beth she wouldn’t had picked it up so quickly. She was always amazed at how tough and put together Beth was.
The first time this faith was shaken was when Beth showed up on her doorstep the night after she had shot and killed Maggie Chen. She showed up at the back door with red, puffy eyes, her hands trembling. Alison didn’t know what to do at first.
“What happened?”
Beth swallowed. “I shot her, Alison. She’s dead.”
“Are you okay? What about your job?”
“There’s going to be an investigation,” she explained. “I-It just happened so fast. I had to stop her. If I didn’t then we’d all be in trouble.”
“Is she involved?” Alison whispered. There was this fear of Donnie or the kids hearing her but it was an irrational one because they were all asleep.
Beth nodded. “I can’t talk about it now. I-I just need to lay down for a while. Can I?”
“Of course!”
It was the last time she had a conversation with Beth. Sometime later she had this new clone Sarah Manning telling her Beth had killed herself by throwing herself in front of a train. She didn’t believe it at first because it made no sense. Beth was strong and the defacto leader. Dying was not an option.
Alison wanted to accuse her of being a liar but she didn’t. She crossed her arms over her chest and put up a wall. It wasn’t until Sarah and Cosima left that she let herself fall apart.
How could Beth be dead? She was the one who had brought them all together and without her this “clone club” wouldn’t survive. Maybe Cosima could take the lead or this Sarah Manning but at the time she had no idea who she was.
The worst part was that her friend was gone.
Alison started depending more and more on the pills and drinking after that. It didn’t help when other issues such with Ainsley, Donnie, and the other clones came about. If Beth had been here she could’ve dealt with it but she wasn’t because she had given into the fear. This feeling only made Alison feel guiltier.
It wasn’t until she was forced into rehab when Alison finally began to admit her true feelings about Beth’s death. She was pissed at Beth for leaving too soon because Alison needed her. It was okay to be angry and therapy taught her that.
The last conversation they shared would always stick out in Alison’s mind as the first sign that there had been too much pressure on Beth. It was a glimpse behind the strong mask she put up. Alison wished she had done something more but in a private conversation with Art she was assured that simply listening that night was more than enough.
It still didn’t feel like it though. The only thing Alison was sure of was that she couldn’t numb all the pain with booze and pills. Beth wouldn’t want it and neither did her family and friends.