Work Text:
The sky was just turning pink as he stumbled out of the bar. Being kicked out was becoming a common occurrence for Min Yoongi and while he loved the drinking and the drugs, he can’t say that he’s entirely happy where he is right now in his life.
The most he’s done is become an underground rapper with a drinking problem that smokes a bit and maybe pops a pill the guys pass around in the back.
Not exactly where he wanted to be, not even a stop on his life path.
From law school to rapping and an alcoholic, no one in his life is really happy. Why should he be? Can’t provide for his family, can’t fucking provide for himself; just blowing all his goddamn money on drinks. He barks out a laugh and hunches over, right there in the middle of the street at 5:26AM. He knows he looks insane. He’s just way too drunk to care.
He’s way too drunk to fucking care.
The laughter trailed off and he was walking again. He had his last drink of the night in his hand, 20oz beer in a paper bag. Taking a swig, he continues down the road.
As he makes his way to his home, he spots a kid in his usual thinking spot on top of the railing of the bridge. That’s where he goes when he’s particularly done with life and living so he squints and stumbles towards the boy.
The kid looks spooked when Yoongi attempted to jump onto the railing about two feet down, miscalculated horribly and just plopped onto the sidewalk instead. Great job Min, nice.
“You okay?” he asked quietly. Sounded like Busan Satoori, nice. Not in a sarcastic way either.
“I’m great, how are you?” How slurred did he sound out loud? Yoongi would take a guess and say very if the difficulty moving his mouth was any connotation.
“Must have been a fun night.” He turned back towards the river in front of them and sighs.
“Nah, haven’t had one in a… in a few years at least? Depression man, s’a bitch.” The Kid chuckled at that and Yoongi felt a grin spread across his face. Then he remembered why he stumbled over here. “You’re not depress - depressed are yah?”
The Kid cleared his throat and just looked forward as he answered. “Yup. Thinking about jumping while I’m talking to a very intoxicated man trying to give me life advice.”
“Hey! My life advice is pretty fucking great, should have been a damn therapist instead. No need to throw yourself off a railing just be-because of some advice, right?”
Yoongi looked over to find the other male looking at him too.
“Not because of your advice, I’m gonna throw myself over this thing whether you have advice or not.”
He looked dead in the eyes and that scared Yoongi a bit, thinking how crazy depressed he must look when he does the same thing. “Why do it now? It’s 5 something, just wait until night.” Yoongi leans his head back against the railings and rests his arm on his knee. “Sunrises are pretty. Watch it with me?”
The Kid looked over at the dunkkard again and scoffed. “Why the fuck would I do that? I’ve got some more pressing matters to get to. Besides,” he turned his body so he was straddling the bar to look at Yoongi head on, “why should I listen to you? You don’t really seem like you have your life in line either.”
Yoongi chuckled and his words came out a bit more slurred than before. He was still drinking the beer and the last comment, while he wouldn’t admit it, kinda stung. “Yeah, well, this is my thinking spot so, I don’t want other people thinking here either. Usually means bad shit.”
“But why don’t you encourage them if you have depression yourself? You should know how it feels to feel… to feel so goddamn alone in the world that - that the only way t - to fix it is by dying. Right?” The kid was stumbling and close to tears, not a good state to be in on a railing.
“Just because I know how it feels doesn’t mean I’m going around, yelling at every mentally ill person to go kill themselves. That statement was too flawed, try again kid.”
“Jimin.”
“Hmm?”
“My name is Jimin.”
“Yoongi.”
Jimin nodded and swung his other leg around, back now facing the river. He stared at the sky like Yoongi was doing, watching the pinks and oranges slowly meld and grow together, fading in and blurring out the darkness behind them. Damn he should put that in a rap, profound as fuck.
Yoongi chugged the rest of his drink before crushing the can in his hand and leaving it next to him. The two of them just sat side by side, slowly watching the sunrise.
“This is one of the only reasons I stay alive,” Yoongi mutters. “This and jerking it.”
Jimin chokes out a laugh, not expecting that at all. Then again, what could you expect from a drunk at - Jimin pulls out his phone - 5:54AM? His eyebrows crease as he looks at the number of missed calls and texts accumulated.
“Maybe I shouldn’t have left a note.”
Yoongi shook his head, eyes closed. “Leaving a note means that you have some people you believe care for you, whether you accept the fact or not. It’s there in your.. your subconscious or whatever.”
“Are you actually drunk or are you just acting?”
Yoongi shot some finger guns his way. “Nah, just a profound, enlightened alcoholic. I’m okay at givin’ advice, b-but you’re the one that’s gotta listen.”
Jimin sighed and leaned forward, getting off the ledge and slumping down onto the ground next to Yoongi. “I guess you’re right. I really want there to be people who care about me. I want that. But I’m so worthless that-”
“No one’s worthless kid - Jimin, sorry. Not even a drunk like me. I got a place in this world. That’s for me to write about all my shit and rap about it and let people relate. Maybe get some money off it. Maybe make my parents proud. Who knows? Not me. I just know that I’ve got a place.” Yoongi pauses and closes his eyes. He sighs loudly and continues. “Listen. It’s like this. Think of me as the lowest of the low. I don’t-don’t know what you’re going through but you’re… You’ve gotta have a better life than I do.” Yoongi looks over at him, with his stupidly bright orange hair. Orange skies and orange hair and pink cheeks. Cute.
“You don’t know me though. How do you know? I don’t know anything about you either, maybe you’re life is simple and you’re just an alcoholic.”
“Alcoholics don’t become alcoholics without reason kid, use your brain.”
“Okay.. so then what’s your reason?”
“What reason?”
“What’s your reason to drink?”
Yoongi laughed, stupid and drunk and loud. “I’m a disappointment to my family. I rap. Rap! What kind of life is this, that I go around and just try to keep food in my mouth. This was a fever dream from when I was younger, and now I’m here. Living the fucking dream, popping pills and drinking until I collapse on bridges in the dead of night so I don’t have to… So I don’t have to go home.”
Jimin sighs shakily, staring straight ahead. Cars have started passing by, one by one. They must make quite a pair. Yoongi wonders if he looks as drunk as he feels.
“I don’t wanna go home either.” Jimin glares at the river and huffs. “I don’t like home. No one wants me. No one needs me. I’m just here, floating, without a purpose. No drive and no will to live, so why take up space when I can just end it all?”
That’s fucking depressing. “How old are you kid?”
“19.”
“A whole baby.”
“I’m not!”
“A whole mother fucking baby, shut up. You’re 19?” Yoongi scoffs. “I’m 24. You get your purpose later on in life. It could be at 24, it could be at 40. That’s why I’m still here.” He scratches his head and leans back against the railing. “People like listening to me rap, it’s still a passion of mine, and people like it, but maybe that’s not my main purpose. Only time will tell. And only time will tell for you too.”
“But what if I don’t wanna wait?”
“Then something’s gotta change in your life.” Yoongi shrugged. “Something’s gotta give. You’re gonna have to make decisions on how you wanna live your life and then change it. Otherwise you’re gonna have to wait a while for that purpose to come along.”
Jimin sighed again and closed his eyes. He leaned back and uncrossed his arms. “I guess you’re right, aren’t you? Maybe you should start charging people, you’re not bad at speaking.”
“Rapper, remember?”
“Oh yeah. Do you have a rapper name? Are you famous?”
“If I was famous you wouldn’t be asking that.”
Jimin chuckled. “Yeah, I guess you’re right.” He smiled over at Yoongi.
Yoongi smiled back, or at least tried too. Jimin giggled so that’s a plus. Yoongi groaned and sat up straighter, pulling his legs up to rest his arms on his knees, looking up at the sky too. “I need another drink.”
Jimin whispered out a quiet “yeah, same” and honestly, that’s a mood.
The minutes passed by and the sky kept changing colors. It was fucking pretty. Beautiful. His hair looked like the sky or maybe the sky kinda just looked like his hair. Yoongi could see the cuts on his wrist and the hollow of his cheeks, but he understood. He’s been through it too, and then the cigarettes started, the alcohol and it just felt too late for him. He wouldn’t say that to Jimin of course, a young kid like him, he needs support now especially if he was about to jump off a bridge just a few seconds ago and-.
“So what brought you here?”
“Huh?” Yoongi didn’t realize he closed his eyes and slumped back down a bit. He looked over at Jimin and his bright as fuck orange hair and hoped he didn’t look as drunk as he felt.
“You said you came here when you felt… When you felt bad too.”
“Did I? Ah, don’t worry about it kid.”
“Tell me about it, maybe I can give you some advice.”
Yoongi grinned. He looked over at Jimin and saw his eyes all lit up in determination. Cute. “Oh, so it’s my therapy session now?”
Jimin turned to face him more head on and nodded. “Sure, why not? I don’t wanna go home yet, but also I wanna help you out. You helped me, so I owe you.”
Yoongi shook his head and waved his hand. “Nah kid, you don’t need to. I’m, I’m good. Life just sucks sometimes, so the only things that can help out my poor soul is a little bit of liquid courage.”
“But why? Why do you need courage?”
“To get on stage. And to perform. Sometimes it’s like oh, I got this, but then other times I get a panic attack in the back room. But when the gigs pay, you gotta shove that shit down and then get on that stage and fucking own it. Make sure they hear you, they hear your passion and hear the words you have to speak.” Yoongi can feel himself sobering up, getting hyped at the thought of performing, but he also hopes he’s not scaring the kid off. He closes his eyes and breathes in deep, trying to get more oxygen to his stupid brain. “It gets better. Especially when I just get on stage and start. It’s not bad then. I get in the zone. Alcohol helps when I perform sometimes. Makes me more aggressive, more ready to rip my throat to shreds.”
Jimin nods. His hair kinda bounces with him. “But if you’re so passionate about it, why do you need the alcohol?”
“Ah, it’s just fear. It’s insecurities. I don’t know how else to explain it really, all I know is that I rap better when I’m intoxicated.”
Jimin looks kind of lost and Yoongi feels sorry for the kid. Yoongi sits up and pats the kid’s arm. “Hey, look, don’t worry about it. I know I gotta live and tell my stories and get through it. I know that I gotta be okay. I’ve accepted my depression, and I try not to let it affect me negatively as much as it used to. It’s okay.”
“Does it get better?” Jimin whispered, a little scared for the answer.
Yoongi smiled. “Yeah kid, it does. It always does. Sometimes life just gets shitty for a bit. Or for a long ass while. But still, either way, I know I gotta make it through. Cutting your own life short it’s not worth it.” He took a shaky breath. “My friend took his own life. Namjoon. He was my best friend and he died. He died when I was 19 actually.”
“Oh my god, I’m so sorry.” Jimin looked stricken but Yoongi just shook his head, a neutral expression on his face.
“No need to be. He was in a dark place and he… he couldn’t get the help he needed. But he told me the night before that he was happy he knew me. Happy. Can you believe that?”
“Actually I can. You seem like a smart guy. Creative. Definitely nice.”
Yoongi ruffled his own hair and scoffed. “Yeah, maybe. He was happy he knew me, but he still died. I couldn’t help him enough.” His breathing shook and he dropped his head down. “And then it just crumbled. My life crumbled so much. I thought I died too. I thought of dying, to be with him again because he was my rock. But then what would my family do? I saw what Namjoon’s family went through. We still talk. They’re still torn up. That’s why I live.”
“For Namjoon?”
“For Namjoon. For his family, and for mine. It’s hard to live sometimes, but it’s worth it. It’s gotta be, otherwise it wouldn’t be this hard at times, right?” Yoongi choked out a laugh, a few tears spilling down his cheeks. He wiped his face roughly and groaned. “I live so then we can meet when I’m old as fuck and tell him all the stories I’ll have under my belt. And we’ll meet again in our next life or in the afterlife, whatever, and it’ll be okay. If it’s this hard in this life, then it should get better in the other one, right?”
Jimin looked out to the passing cars, pouting in thought. “I hope so,” he started slowly. “That’s a nice thought, I’m glad you had someone like that.”
“I am too. You should find someone like that. Someone to live for.” Yoongi paused and rethought. “I mean, not always. It’s good to learn to live for yourself, but at first it’s fucking hard. So right now I live for my dead best friend and our families.” Yoongi sniffed and wiped his eyes. “Damn. I’m a lot more sober now though, and also a lot more tired. I think I’m done with talking about my feelings now kid.”
Jimin laughed and nodded. The bridge was getting packed, the streets were getting busier and there were definitely a couple people giving them both looks. After all, a blond in some rumpled clothes and a leather jacket, and a tiny orange haired kid with a hoodie and some sweats must make quite a pair. That was fine though. Who really cares?
“You good kid?”
Jimin nodded again. “Yeah, I feel a lot better. Thanks for sharing. I just thought about my best friend dying and I couldn’t even… I wouldn’t be able to hold on like you did probably. You’re right, thank you so much.”
“No problem.”
“Doesn’t mean I’m still not depressed.”
“Of course not, no, but you just have to get it though your head that life is hard when it’s got good shit coming for you. Karma or whatever.”
Jimin laughs and throws his head back. Manic energy probably. This morning sucked, it was understandable.
Yoongi grabbed the ledge and pulled himself up. He offered a hand to Jimin and pulled him up too. He stuck out his hand but Jimin just pulled him in for a hug. Okay, this is fine too. Yoongi patted the kid on the back and Jimin just smiled at him as they broke apart.
“Thank you Yoongi, really. Talking helped, I think.”
“It usually does.”
They both chuckle and make their way down to the main street.
“It was nice meeting you Jimin, even if it was under weird circumstances.”
“You too Yoongi.”
They stand at the intersection and Yoongi feels stupid but he doesn’t want to leave. Whatever, if they’re supposed to be friends, then they’ll meet some other day. “See you around kid.”
Jimin grinned and nodded. “Yeah, see you. Hopefully under better circumstances!”
Yoongi left first. He walked a bit and only turned around when he saw a car speed past, a frazzled woman and a young boy in the car. They looks familiar and by the shouts and sobs at the end of the street, he knew why. Yoongi smiled and turned back around, strolling back to his own house.
Life sucks but it gets better, just need the right people in it.