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The first time that Justin had kissed JC, it had been a disaster. He had been fifteen and in the middle of a full-blown identity crisis, complete with questioning his sexual identity. JC had been there and looked particularly pretty that day, so Justin had kissed him, with closed lips and a prayer in his heart.
JC had shoved him away, and then wiped his mouth with the back of his hand as Justin's young heart broke in two. "Jeez, Justin, what the fuck?" he had mumbled, before turning his back and walking very quickly out of the room. Justin was glad, because he never saw the way Justin's jaw started to quiver as the tears came.
Justin locked himself in the bathroom and cried on the floor, deep wrenching sobs that only teenage disillusionment can produce. Later, his mom had picked the lock with a bobby pin and sat beside him on the floor, rubbing his back until he calmed down without ever saying a word.
JC had come by later to apologize, but Justin would not hear him out. Things were strained for a few days, until JC gave Justin his last pixie stick in the airport one afternoon and all was forgiven. Still, that first kiss was probably one of the worst moments of Justin's young life, and a scar that healed with time but never fully disappeared.
**
Years had passed since that day in Florida, and they had brought the unimaginable to life. Fame, girls, money, and success had latched onto the group and refused to let go. They had been riding the pop star wave for seven years, and it was wearing on all of them in different ways. Chris was growing bitter, shutting himself off from all but his closest friends and family. Joey was tearing himself up inside trying to be both a good father and a good bachelor. JC was dying a little more each day as the group and their managers stifled his creativity. Lance was going through an early mid-life crisis about what could have been if he hadn’t joined the group. Justin was suffering a broken heart that hurt worse than any rejected kiss ever could.
They decided that Christmas to take a break. Not break up, but to go out and do different things, meet different people, before the pressure of the business drove them to hate their jobs or each other. It was a decision met with tears and hope, and promises that it would only be temporary.
That said, they all agreed to one more tour, one last hurrah. Knowing that a break was coming, the Celebrity Tour was relaxed and enjoyable for everyone involved. There were no backup dancers, no flashy pyro tricks, and no elaborate costumes. The whole show was tasteful and fun, and the best tour, Justin thought, that they had ever put together.
Chris, JC, and Justin were together on the three-person bus again, and it was very strange to be sharing living space with two other people and realize that you didn't really know them much anymore. For the past few tours, Justin had spent bus time in the back or in his bunk, cell phone plastered to his ear talking to his girlfriend. Without that distraction, he had a lot more time to focus on the other guys.
“What're you reading?” He asked JC, who always had a thick paperback novel in his hand. JC curled front cover around when he read, which Justin hated because it destroyed the binding and got ink all over his hands. JC swore it made him focus more on the story, so Justin didn't harp on it.
“Patriot Games,” JC answered, not even looking up from his book. Justin should have known. He had never been able to figure out if JC liked Tom Clancy novels because of the political thriller genre or because he liked picturing Harrison Ford as Jack Ryan. JC had a big crush on Harrison Ford.
Justin waited for JC to say more, but he stayed quiet. He kept reading, occasionally stopping to brush a piece of hair behind his ear. With a heavy shy, Justin got up from the lounge and wandered into the back of the bus, where Chris was playing a golf video game.
“What's up with C?” Justin asked, sitting down on the floor next to Chris. Sometimes Chris would restart the game in two-player mode, if Justin didn't bug him too much.
“What'dya mean?” Chris made his character take aim and putt, missing the hole on screen by millimeters. “Shit, the sight is off on this thing.”
“I mean, he's reading all the time now. He never wants to do anything anymore.”
Chris paused the game and stared at Justin. “JC always reads on the bus. The spare bunk above him is practically a library.”
Justin frowned, and bit at his lip. He had never noticed JC reading so much before. He tried to remember what they'd done on the last tour, but he'd been so busy trying to keep up with Britney that he couldn't remember what he'd done on the bus, let alone what JC had been doing.
“You wanna play?” Chris asked, before restarting the game, and Justin nodded. He played for a while, and when Chris got up to use the bathroom, he jumped up to peek in the spare bunk. Sure enough, it was full of books, all of which looked well read.
**
Having both gone through recent breakups with long-term girlfriends, Justin had at first thought JC would be the one to go to for advice. JC didn't seem too depressed or wigged out by the whole suddenly-single phenomenon, so Justin hoped he could tell him how to fix the ache in his heart. He found, though, that JC did not have much to say that would comfort him.
“It'll hurt less someday,” JC said, “you just have to give it time.”
Frustrated that JC didn't have the secret formula for breakups, he turned to the others. Chris obviously didn't know how to make things better, because he was still suffering from his broken heart months after the fact. Joey was still dating the love of his life. Trace had never had a long-term girlfriend. That left Justin with Lance.
"You need to just take time to find yourself again," Lance said wisely. He had been sitting on a lighting case, kicking his heels on the metal box when Justin approached him. The noises echoed in Justin's head.
"What do you mean?” Justin asked, but Lance just shrugged.
"Who are you," he said, "when you're not half of Justin and Britney?"
The sad part was that Justin didn't really know.
**
He had a lot of random sex after that. It took the edge off and made him feel like a man again, not just someone's boyfriend. He was in control; he chose the girl and the time and everything else. It took away the longing, at least the physical aspect of it. He had never had so much sex on tour, and a part of him loved it. He even went a little wild, letting one girl bring her gay best friend who was 'his biggest fan' up to the room and blow him while he fingered her. It was kind of hot, and when he'd kissed them both goodnight at the door something in Justin stirred with memory about the last time he'd kissed a boy.
Two weeks later, Johnny pulled him aside and showed him how big the stack of morning-after confidentiality agreements had gotten. He decided he better lay off the random sex for a while. He stuck to strip clubs and lap dances from then on, eyes occasionally wandering to the other guys in the clubs with equal interest as the girls on stage.
Hey, if he was going to rediscover himself, he might as well make it interesting.
**
Without girls around, Justin had to find some way to entertain himself. He started stealing books from JC's bunk, taking ones from way in the back so JC would not notice they were missing. He usually stuck more to nonfiction, stuff on creative visualization or biographies of famous blues musicians. Those were pretty cool. But JC's books were all fiction. He had a lot of the usual best-selling authors- John Grisham, Stephen King, and Tom Clancy; but he also had some older ones, things Justin thought might have been left over from his childhood.
He chose "The Fellowship of the Ring," because he heard they were making it into a movie. Soon, he lost in the fantasy world of the pages. He'd read "The Hobbit" for a book report in the eighth grade and liked it well enough, but he did not remember it being this good.
JC noticed him reading it the next day, on the short bus ride from venue to venue in Pennsylvania.
"Hey, is that my book?" he had asked, setting down his own novel.
Justin nodded and bit his lip. "Yeah, you don't mind that I borrowed it, do you?"
”No, it's cool, totally.” JC smiled a little and tapped on the edge of the couch. "I didn't know you liked those books."
Justin shrugged. "I'd never read it before. It looked interesting.” It was a lame answer, but it made JC smile and they both went back to reading. It really was a good book. He wondered if that Tolkein guy was still alive. And if he did video treatments.
When Chris woke up later on, he did a double take to see them curled up on opposite couches reading their books. He scratched his head a few times, then left to play a video game in the back. Justin barely even noticed he was there.
**
It took him a long time to get through the book. The tour was winding down, as they inched closer and closer to Orlando. Britney was calling him again, begging forgiveness. Justin didn't know what do.
"Tell me what to do, what I should say to her," he pleaded. But no one would. Finally, he caved and invited her to visit them in Memphis. At least he would have his family there for support if things went bad.
They stayed up half the night talking things through. It would have been so easy to fall into old patterns, to turn a blind eye to her indiscretions and his own shortcomings. But he had changed in the past couple of months. Those long quiet bus rides with JC, the nights out with Lance, and his general outlook on life had shifted so dramatically without her at his side that he did not know if he could go back to where it was before. Or if he'd even want to.
In the end, they'd both shed more than a few tears and she left the room without winning him back. He kept one hand pressed to the door for a long time after she'd left, as if he could reach out and guide her on her way, yet still hold a part with him once she was gone.
**
None of the guys asked what happened, something for which he was very grateful. Lance looked at him quizzically for a few seconds the next day, until Justin shook his head. Lance quirked one side of his lip in a half-smile of support, but left him alone to heal. That night, he gave every last bit of energy into his hometown show, and left the stage feeling better than he had in a long, long time.
They were staying in a hotel there, so Justin stretched out across the king sized bed and tried to read. The words wouldn't stay in focus on the page, so he rolled to a different position. Still, his mind would not concentrate. After ten long minutes of tossing and turning, he walked the eight steps down the hall to JC's door and knocked quietly, smiling at the guards posted in the hall.
JC opened the door with a smile. "Hey, what's up?"
”You doing anything?” Justin asked.
”No, just emailing home and then I was gonna read for a while."
”Can I read in here? It's just. It's too quiet in my room, my mind won't turn off.” Justin gestured down the hall as he spoke, hoping he didn't sound too lame. He could have gone to Joey or Chris, but they wouldn't have been any place to read, and Lance had Freddy visiting.
"Sure." JC held the door wide as Justin crossed the threshold.
Half an hour later, JC shut down his laptop, picked up his book, and began to read. Justin was so enthralled in the mysteries of the ring that he didn't even notice JC had moved from the desk to the other end of the sofa until a foot poked at his leg.
”Are you OK?” JC asked quietly. His book was held loosely between his fingers, not being read at all.
Justin cocked his head. "I'm fine."
Clearly, JC did not believe him. "Really."
”Really," Justin emphasized. "I'm fine. I'm actually better than I have been in a very long time.” He was, when he thought about it. He had needed that final goodbye with Britney. Ending things with tears and apologies was much better than ending them with shouts and damnations.
”You've seemed kind of, I dunno. Melancholy."
”Good word," Justin commented absently mindedly as he thought of a response. "I've been, well. Lance said I should take this time to find myself, to find out who I am without Britney. I've just been doing that, a lot of soul searching."
”And reading," JC said, pointing to the book. Justin turned it over in his hands.
”Yeah. It takes my mind off things. And this is actually a good story."
”Remind me to give you the next one when you're finished."
”They're more?” Justin hadn't realized it was a series.
”Mmmm, it's a trilogy. That one, The Two Towers, and Return of the King."
”Like Star Wars.” Justin was pretty sure everything in the universe could somehow be compared to Star Wars.
”Mmmm. Only this time the third one's the best."
They both fell silent again after that, but Justin didn't get more than a few sentences down the page before thoughts started to bubble in his mind once again.
”Hey, JC?"
”Mmmm?” He looked up from the book, eyes so blue.
”How come when you and Bobbie broke up, you didn't go through any, like, recovery period?"
JC pressed his lips together, and set the book aside. He drew feet up to the couch and rested his elbows on his knees. A casual pose, but Justin recognized his friend drawing himself up protectively.
"I guess I never really loved her, at least I wasn't in love with her. When we broke up, we both knew it wasn't working and it actually felt better not to be dating her than it did to be together. We went through the bad period before breaking up."
Justin remembered the screaming phone calls and closed-door fights JC and Bobbie had right at the end. He had liked Bobbie well enough, but never thought she was right for JC. He'd been glad when they'd broken up, though he'd never told anyone that.
He debated telling JC now, but instead what came out was "I think being with Britney was like living in denial about a lot of things. I think now that we're apart, I can allow more of that stuff to come out.” Come out, indeed, he thought, and blushed at the wording, even though JC probably didn't know what he meant.
”Like what?"
Justin took a deep breath. "Like the fact that I would rather sit home and read than go out and be photographed. I mean, I like going out and dancing still, but I never really got to just spend time quietly when I had to worry about keeping her entertained. Even when I wasn't with her, I was always worrying about what she was doing, if I should call, that kind of thing."
”I'll give you that your relationship was dysfunctional and way too dependent," JC said. He'd wrapped his arms around his legs and rested his chin on his knees. Justin wished he was that flexible.
”It was," Justin replied, "and I wish I'd seen it earlier. But there's other stuff too. Going out with the guys to pick up girls, I could never enjoy that before, you know? And, well. I've been thinking back to what I was like, and what I liked, before we started dating, and um.” Justin couldn't believe he was telling JC this, especially without large amounts of alcohol in his blood. "I've always kind of liked guys too, and I've gotten to fool around with a few since we broke up, you know, some fans and stuff, and it's been really great.” He took a deep breath and concentrated on the hairs on his arm for a long time before looking up to meet JC. JC was staring right at him, his eyes so piercing Justin swore they were boring holes into his head.
”Um. Say something?” The silence was making him more nervous than JC's stare.
JC snapped out of it with a quick shake of the head. "Sorry, you know. You just surprised me. I mean, I knew you used to have some questions about that, but I thought you'd kind of outgrown it."
”More like suppressed it," Justin said wryly. He'd loved Britney and been completely attracted to her, so much so that he hadn't even looked at anyone else during their time together. Too bad she hadn't felt the same, or else they might now be in this situation now.
”So, you're what then, bisexual?” JC asked, unfolding his body to stretch his legs along the couch. One of them rested between Justin's. The contact was comforting.
”Yeah, I guess.” If he had to put a label on it, that would be the right one.
”OK. That's. New. But not bad. Just. New.” JC's sentences were choppy but he was smiling. "I'm glad you told me, dude, we can go guy-hunting together."
Justin smiled. "Sure. But tomorrow, OK? I've got to finish this chapter before bed." He dove back into the book, losing himself in the world of the Fellowship. He kept one hand on JC's foot, though, rubbing mindlessly though the sock as the characters on the pages made their trek to destroy the ring.
**
When he left Memphis, Justin felt like everything was clear again, for the very first time. Kelly had flown up to ride the last leg of the journey with them, so Lance had taken Briahna and made a beeline for the three-man bus, giving Joey and Kelly time alone together. Justin sat at the table feeding her a snack while Lance took a phone call in the back of the bus.
"Baby, promise me when you grow up you won't fuck with boys heads," Justin said to Briahna, as she sat in a booster seat at the table eating Cheerios.
She looked up at him, offered him a fistful of gooey cereal, and said, "Fuk wit boyz hed." Justin groaned, and buried his head in his arms.
**
JC was wearing his glasses an awful lot lately. Justin loved JC in his glasses. He managed to look so serious, like an Oxford scholar, hair drooping his eyes and he turned the pages of his latest novel. JC wasn't writing much anymore, but he sure was reading an awful lot.
"Hey, C?" he asked in the toy room one night.
"Mmmm?"
"How come you're not working on any new songs or anything?" Not that Justin always understood or even liked the stuff JC did write, but it was very odd not to see JC humming into a recorder or jotting down lyrics on scraps of paper.
JC shrugged just a bit, a movement that was supposed to show nonchalance but came off as avoidance. "I dunno, just uninspired I guess."
Justin bit at his lip. "Maybe you just need a new muse."
JC smiled at him, a bit. "Maybe you can lend me yours, when you're done."
Justin squeezed JC's shoulder lightly. JC's body was warm under Justin's cold hands. He studied the highlights in JC's hair and wondered what would happen if he told JC that right now, the only thing inspiring Justin's music was JC himself?
**
Orlando. Home. Justin was staying in his own house, surrounded by his own things. His whole family was in town for the show. Their last one together, he thought, and felt a twinge of nostalgia. Already, he had plans made to head to Virginia Beach next week, right after they finished recording the song for Disney and he took a few days to rest. He didn't know how his solo project was going to turn out, but with the guys all off exploring their own things, it seemed the right time.
Justin got to the venue early, expecting to find himself there alone. Instead, he found Lance sitting on the edge of the stage. Lance had already been to Russia for interviews and testing. It was all coming to a close so quickly.
"Hey." Justin sat down next to him, and smiled. "Guess we had the same idea."
"I can't believe this is it," Lance said. "This tour has been so incredible. I don't want it to end."
"Me either." Justin kicked his heels against the side of the stage in rhythm with Lance's. "This has been the first tour in years that I have really enjoyed, you know?"
"Mmmm. It's the first time your head has really been here. I mean, usually by halfway through you're itching to get away for a few days, but this time you've been really into it. It's been cool, you know?"
Justin realized Lance was right. For the first time since, well, probably since Europe he wasn't waiting for the tour to end so he could get back to Britney, back to something. He was looking ahead to new things, which was a novel concept. "I'm gonna miss you guys."
"Me too," said a voice from the back of the stage. Chris walked to them and sat down. "You're all going on to bigger and better things, and I'm just gonna be stuck here."
Justin reached over and patted Chris's knee. "What are you planning, man? You've been so quiet lately."
"I've got some friends, guys I haven't spent any real time with in years. We're gonna road trip for a while, maybe do some riding or some camping. I'm not really sure, I just need to get away from the spotlight for a while."
Lance nodded his head, understanding. They sat in silence for a moment.
"Do you ever regret stopping now?" Justin blurted out. "I mean, we could go back to the studio, do one more album, then take a break, right?"
Lance shook his head, slowly. "We need some time, J. We need to regroup."
"I need some sleep," Chris added, and Justin laughed. He'd known the answer, but hadn't been able to resist the question.
The door opened at the end of the auditorium, and JC walked through. Justin sucked in a breath as he watched his friend coming closer. The lanky swagger, the plain white T-shirt, those damned Capri pants. JC was an amalgam of colors and styles, but it worked on him. Justin bit at his lip and wondered how he was going to do this every day, without these guys right by his side. Without JC there every step of the way.
Joey came soon after, and they began a sound check full of bittersweet laughter. The show that night was the best one Justin could ever remember, and he thought it was nice, that they would go out on top like this. Even though it wasn't the end, it still kind of felt that way. They'd all be together again tomorrow to record "When You Wish Upon A Star" but they all knew that by then, everything would be different.
Justin shut himself into his house in the early hours of the morning the next day. The after parties had raged long into the night, and he'd watched the sun rising on the horizon as the driver brought him home. He reset the alarm and wandered through his house. He needed to get out to LA some time to clean out his section of the house there. Maybe buy a new one, he thought aimlessly, though that would be a ways down the road. For now, he just wanted to crawl into bed and sleep until September.
He rolled into the studio late the next afternoon, ready to record what would be their final song together for at least a year. Robin had arranged the piece so it went smoothly. He'd always loved the way she worked their voices. Once finished, they drove off separately, until only JC and Justin were left at the studio, working the masters to set just the right balance.
"Oh, before you go," JC said, reaching for his backpack. "I have something for you." He pulled out two books, ones Justin recognized as the next two parts of the Lord of the Rings series.
"Thanks," Justin said. He could have gone out and bought the next two in nice new editions, but it was better reading JC's copies, knowing the stories had been told and loved before. "I finished the first one a couple of days ago but forgot to give it back to you."
"That's OK," JC smiled. "You can keep it." He set the bag back on the floor and swiveled back and forth in the chair. "Did you like it?"
"Mmmm. I liked the ending. I mean, not the whole cliffhanger part, but that Sam and Frodo were together, right at the end when everyone else was gone. Like nothing in the world could drive them apart."
JC smiled at him and stopped spinning. "It's a good ending," he said carefully, "and it makes an even better beginning."
Justin carefully touched JC's hand on the arm of the chair. "Do they stay together, right until the end?"
"Yup. They're best friends, like brothers. Nothing can tear them apart." JC leaned forward in the chair, a hint of a smile on his lips. Justin felt his heart speeding up in his chest.
"They're like us," he said quietly, shifting to the edge of his own chair. "Nothing could tear them apart."
Carefully he closed the distance between them and kissed JC's lips. They were soft and warm, and he remembered that feeling from the one-second touch so many years ago. It was heaven, and this time, it lasted. JC opened his lips to Justin's touch and kissed back, wet, warm, and oh-so-wonderful.
When he opened his eyes, he saw the smooth sweep of JC's cheek, JC's long lashes brushing against it. Justin sighed into the kiss and closed his eyes again, tentatively using his tongue to part JC's lips wider, tasting all that JC would offer to him.
It was so much better than the last one. When JC pulled back this time, it was with a hazy smile and cloudy eyes. Justin could feel a dopey smile on his own face, but couldn't stop it from spreading wider when JC looked at him.
"Always together, even at the end," he said. Justin just nodded, and kissed him again.
END