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It’s been years. Two, three maybe. Time doesn’t matter to Junhwe anymore. No amount of music or poetry or alcohol could distract from that anxiety of falling in love with the one person he’s forbidden from. Kim Donghyuk.
It’s gotten easier to ignore him; once they had their own dorm rooms. He could write until he fell asleep in his notebook, smudges of ink on his hands— and if he’s lucky, he’d hide it back between the mattress before the early-riser members came stomping around the dorm. But some days, you can’t just ignore the man you’ve been living with since WIN.
Especially when he’s sitting on your bed, notebook in hand and crying.
It doesn’t help Junhwe has been gone. His mother’s health was struggling and he flew out to help her with paperwork and bills. He told his members that he was going to be gone for a month, but after a week or so, his mother pushed him away, using a little of his money to hire both a nurse and someone to manage her finances. Still, trip cut short, he was tired and just wanted to sleep. Even if it meant laying Donghyuk down with him and waiting to have this talk until morning.
“Donghyuk…” All those metaphors and words he wrote, and now he can’t even manage his name. Junhwe sits down next to him, and gently coaxes the notebook out of his blond counterpart, shutting the worn cover and focusing on the new subject at hand, “I’m gonna look past why you’re reading my journal for right now, but we’re gonna get back to that. What’s wrong?”
Donghyuk sniffled, wiping his eyes. “Nothing bad. I just needed somewhere to hide from Hanbin’s creative wrath. I ended up here. Your notebook was laying on the bed.” He paused, taking in a deep breath. “I’m sorry, I should go.”
He moved before he spoke, placing a hand on Donghyuk’s back and gently rubbing circles. “You were going to read that eventually. Hanbin wanted some lyrics of mine for this next album, but I wish you asked.” He yawned, eyes widening before settling back down.
“He’s not as bad when you’re here. No one is. Maybe it’s because we’re all trying to keep you under control.” Donghyuk sighs, “I guess we all missed you. I know.. I know I did.”
“So you missed me, huh?”
Donghyuk smiled softly, his cheeks making him look so, angelic, ethereal maybe? He’ll have to remember this later.
Donghyuk taps the cover of the notebook. “Tell me about your poems. Who are they for?”
This is where Junhwe starts losing focus, watching Donghyuk’s reaction to everything. The little hand motions where he nervously runs his thumbnail against the pad of his finger. The rise and fall of his chest slowing down. Even when he’s serious, the small squish of his cheeks whenever he squints in the dim light, trying to read Junhwe’s face.
“I write about love. Something to help me understand. Wanting things you can’t have. When I can’t sleep, I just write until my words blur and my eyes burn. I like to think it helps.”
Junhwe can’t tell him that all of those poems are for him.
“If I can’t reminisce you as my everything, just remain a piece that can’t be forgotten.” Donghyuk sighed, before getting up again and pausing at the door, Junhwe confused by why he seems almost frustrated. “I thought you would have told me by now. All those poems about wanting someone you can’t have, longing for memories and doing the simple things. And the dates in the journal a couple months after WIN?” Donghyuk shook his head. “It’s been years Junhwe. You still haven’t moved on, have you?”
“Like it ever could have happened anyways. Everyone has wanted to crucify me, Goo fucking Junhwe, for shit I didn’t do. Shit that isn’t worth the sacrifice. The last thing the public needs to know is that these poems, these feelings, are for a boy? Not just any boy, but the band mate I went through hell with? It’ll ruin iKON. Everyone has worked too hard for me to ruin it by telling you how I feel.” Junhwe gets up, putting himself between Donghyuk and the door. “For the sake of iKON, I couldn’t do it. I still can’t say it. But you’ve read how I feel. And if you walk out that door; I have to know. In another life, could this have happened?”
“You selfish prick. Do you know how long I told myself it wouldn’t happen? How long I shoved whatever feelings I had away because they were ‘wrong’ and ‘gross’? Since that night, when the cameras shut off and you consoled me as we waited to hear whether or not I was a member of iKON.”
Donghyuk seemed to explode at this point, as Junhwe’s heart twisted in his chest.
“I forced myself to shove you away, and you fucking didn’t have the guts to tell me how you felt?” Donghyuk took a step closer to Junhwe, “Sleepless nights when you were laying in the bed next to me on tour, over thinking every dumb word you said because you’re being an ass.” Another step as Donghyuk seems to be unstoppable in his rant now, “I fucking loved you. I still fucking do.” He closes the final gap, angrily kissing Junhwe, tears spilling over before he pulls away, “I love you Junhwe.”
Junhwe wipes a stray tear off of Donghyuk’s cheek, as sobs now wrack the dancers body before pulling him against his chest. His thoughts are a million miles an hour, and the room is spinning. “You love me.”
Donghyuk sniffles, resting his hand on his counterparts heart. “Apparently I do. Not like you’ve ever made it easy.”
“I am kind of an ass, aren’t I?”
There’s less sniffling now, and Donghyuk pulls out of his arms now. “It’s good I find that endearing Junhwe.”
Junhwe yawned loudly, his travels finally catching up with him and the intense conversation didn’t help the fact he’s still tired. His cheap clock flashed 3 am in bright red, and Donghyuk stretched. The tension in the room is still there, but Donghyuk yawns too and it seems to disappear in a second as they smile softly.
“As late as it is, do you want to stay in here tonight? Finish this talk tomorrow?” He smooths his hair back nervously, even after telling Donghyuk everything (by force, is that what Junhwe wants to call it?), he still feels antsy.
Donghyuk almost laughs, before smiling gently. “Just don’t feel me up while I’m sleeping.” He pads to Junhwe’s messy bed, taking the notebook that started it all and laying it on the inn table delicately. He yawns yet again, dramatically and smiles, contented for the moment.
Junhwe pulls the sheets back, and Donghyuk climbs into the bed, claiming a pillow as Junhwe joins him and pulls the sheet to cover the two.
About ten minutes pass, the pair eventually breathing evenly. “Hey Donghyuk?”
“Yeah Junhwe?”
“I love you too.”