Work Text:
you know my paper heart
the one i filled with pencil marks
i think i might have gone and inked you in
She was on his list.
That’s what the volunteer had said when she’d dropped off the note with Luke’s phone number on it an hour ago, like the words meant anything to her. They hadn’t gotten around to explaining lists yet, apparently.
She knew she’d eventually find her way to Luke, to Hannah, but this was only her tenth hour in Canada. She and Nick had spent all day at the refugee center in Montreal filling out intake form after intake form and trying their best to explain their impossible situation to the overworked volunteers at the center. Yes, she had been a Handmaid. Yes, he had been a driver and an Eye. No, they didn’t need or want to be separated. Yes, they were the baby’s parents. Her head was still spinning and she thought she’d be the one trying to find Luke, not the other way around. And definitely not this soon.
No one had mentioned anything about a list.
She turns the paper over in her hands, folding and unfolding it, running her fingers over Luke’s name scratched into the paper with an unfamiliar number. It’s not right. She still has his phone number memorized from before and this isn’t it. She glances over at Nick, hunched over with a clipboard in his hands, filling out his part of yet another form - this one for Holly’s birth certificate. Holly’s sleeping in the donated car seat they’d been given. Later they’ll move to a hotel room for the night - a luxury they’re only afforded because of the baby, and she’d rather do this now.
The volunteer had mentioned to her there was a phone bank near the intake area when she’d dropped the note off. Her mind isn’t going to get any more made up than it is right now. She stands, pushing her hair behind her ear as Nick looks up from his spot next to her, startled by her sudden movement.
“I’m gonna…” she swallows hard as her voice trails off, holding up the piece of paper like she hopes it’ll explain her intentions so she doesn’t have to. Why is this so complicated? Shouldn’t she want to talk to Luke? She should want to talk to Luke. She takes a deep breath.
“I’m gonna go call Luke. Will you be okay?” She asks him, glancing over at the baby. She trusts him fully with Holly, but she remembers how anxious he’d been to change her diaper that morning, his hands shaking, afraid he’d hurt her somehow, relying heavily on her instructions. They’re both already overwhelmed enough and she doesn’t want to leave him if he’s uncomfortable.
“Yeah,” he replies easily with a nod and she nods back as she releases a deep breath, trying to silence the part of her that was wishing he’d have asked her to stay. She lingers a moment more, looking at Holly before finally she makes her way to the phone bank. Her hand trembles as she dials the unfamiliar number, her stomach doing backflips as the phone rings until, finally - an answer.
When she hears him speak for the first time, his voice is different, she swears. She’d remembered it being lighter. But still, in spite of her hesitancy to call, hearing him floods her with relief, especially when he tells her about Hannah. He wants to come to her, he says, but he’s just gotten Hannah enrolled in school and doesn’t want to disrupt her schedule. She agrees.
They don’t talk long. There’s too much to say, too much to address, and it can’t be done over the phone. They make plans for June to head to him as soon as she can, and when she briefly mentions Nick and the baby, his tone stiffens and he clams up. He says they’ll figure it out, and he makes sure June has all of his information, along with Moira’s phone number, so she can call her too and let them know when she’ll be arriving. They say they love each other before they hang up, but it feels more like a reflex than anything, June thinks as she disconnects the call. She looks strangely at the phone as she hangs it up. Like everything else that had happened since they’d shown up in Canada, it wasn’t anything like what she’d expected.
When she gets back to Nick and Holly, they’re not what she’d been expecting either. She’d left with Holly fast asleep in her car seat, and she’d been sure to find her still that way, with Nick still working on his form. Instead she walks up to find the clipboard discarded next to Nick, Holly now awake but quiet as she’s cradled against him, his lips pressed together in a smile as he looks down at her. One of her little hands is completely wrapped around his index fingers as she blinks up at her father, content and safe in his arms.
“Everything okay?” June asks as she steps up to him, surveying the scene in front of her.
Nick looks up at her and nods. “Yeah, I think so. She woke up and started crying a little. She quieted down as soon as I picked her up, though.”
June smiles widely at him as she moves the clipboard so she can sit down on the couch next to him. Being with the two of them is easy. Uncomplicated. Why can’t everything be this easy? “She likes you.”
She watches as he fights a losing battle with his smile at her observation, still trying so hard to keep his feelings guarded, ducking his head back down to look at the baby. Briefly, she finds herself wondering what it’ll take to really get him to open up with her, or if he ever will. Quickly, he changes the subject.
“What about you?” He asks, looking back up and nodding his head towards the piece of paper folded in her hand. “Everything good?” She feels like she’s being woken up from a daydream as she nods, quickly tucking the paper into her pocket.
“He’s in Toronto,” she begins, looking down at her hands as she speaks, “Hannah’s with him, she’s doing okay, all things considered. She just got started in school so he doesn’t want to pull her out to come here.” She pauses and bites her lower lip as she looks up at Nick expectantly. Somehow, it doesn’t feel fair to expect him to come with her. He could have family of his own somewhere. But at the same time, selfishly, she doesn’t want him to be anywhere except with her, wherever that may be.
“Okay, so... we’ll go to Toronto. We can probably leave tomorrow,” Nick says as he meets June’s gaze and relief floods through her at his response. But then, from the back of her mind, just as quickly as the relief had come, the doubt and anxiety starts to flood in. She hadn’t even asked and he’s already willing to go with her. Won’t he be expecting a note of his own? Isn’t he on a list? Maybe he’s only agreeing because he hasn’t heard from anyone yet, and once he gets word, he’ll change his mind. She decides to probe a little, to see if she can get him to open up, because she can’t stand the thought of losing him, of him being away from her.
“You…” she begins, unsure of how to continue as she looks at him. He looks at her patiently while she considers the best way to broach the topic. “You don’t have any family to meet up with?”
He clears his throat and looks down at the baby, her little hand still wrapped around his index finger, and immediately June feels a pang of regret. She shouldn’t have asked. He’d said he would go with her and she should have just taken his word for it. He’s never lied to her before and he certainly wouldn’t start now. She’s just about to apologize when, to her surprise, Nick starts talking.
“My mom… she died when I was in high school. And then my dad and my brother...” he trails off and shakes his head, not looking up from the baby. “I left them in Michigan. My brother drank himself to death. And my dad… he...” She watches closely as his jaw clenches and he swallows hard. He can’t bring himself to say the words again. “It’s just me.”
“Oh, Nick,” June says softly, as she continues watching him. She scoots closer to him, suddenly the distance between them feels like it’s too much. She’s just gotten her family back and now he’s having to tell her how he lost his. “I’m so sorry,” she whispers. He shakes his head and shrugs his shoulders, finally looking up at her.
“There’s nothing to be sorry for. It is what it is, right?” His voice is thick and coarse as he speaks. She knows he’s trying to play it off for her benefit, but she can see in his eyes that he’s hurting, that he loved his family and he misses them. She shakes her head as she brings her hand up to touch the side of his face, before letting it slide around to the back of his head, running her fingers through his short hair. His eyes close as he leans closer to her and they sit like that for a few moments in silence, Nick finding comfort in her touch.
“You have us now,” June finally whispers. “We’re not going anywhere.”