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Kasamatsu thinks this is what dying feels like – you can’t breathe and can feel your brain collapsing on itself, the desperate rush of blood the only sound you can hear. His face feels hot, his palms are wet, and Kise is looking at him patiently and respectfully like Yukio doesn’t look like he’s choking on his own tongue at all.
He tries to calm down by reminding myself that this is it – the graduation, the last stop; they won’t see each other ever again, probably, not if Kasamatsu can help it, he’s going far away enough anyway. Kise rocks on the balls of his feet awkwardly, still aggravatingly patient, and Kasamatsu grits his teeth.
He fists his palm and presses it against Kise’s chest, a little bit more violently than he intended, making Kise stagger back slightly and frown in confusion. Yukio uncurls his fingers slowly and presses his hand flat against Kise’s heart, still unable not looking at him.
He lets go then and turns around to leave, hears a gasp escape Kise’s lips but he keeps going, he won’t turn back, he can’t face him. That’s the one challenge Kasamatsu Yukio has to back down from and he deserves the privilege of running away, he’s worked hard enough to earn it. He’s not a coward.
“You’re a coward, senpai!” Kise shouts, and Yukio falters in his steps.
He wants to turn around and kick the shit out of the brat, but he keeps going. But when he realizes Kise is following him, he stops abruptly and turns around – Kise almost collides with him, but manages to avoid the crash. He looks angry, and there is a shine to his eyes that may be tears.
“I should kick you,” Kise says and Kasamatsu’s eyes widen in surprise.
That rude little fuck. “I may not be your senpai anymore but if you think-”
“Shut up, senpai.”
Kise closes his eyes and rubs his temples and Yukio is kind of too stunned to react in any way. When Kise looks at him, his eyes are soft again, tired but fond. Kasamatsu swallows thickly – he should have just run away, he really doesn’t want Kise’s pity.
“Don’t you want to hear my answer?” Kise asks, unsettlingly serious.
Yukio clears his throat awkwardly and looks away. “I’d wait if I wanted to hear how sorry you are, brat. I wanted to save us both some embarrassment. Thanks for ruining all my hard work.”
Kise laughs and all Kasamatsu can think of is how he’s going to miss this sound. He startles when Kise takes his hand and places the damn button in his palm, closing is so gently Yukio almost can’t take it. He dares a glance at Kise and he looks determined.
“I don’t want it,” he says.
Kasamatsu can almost feel his heart breaking, just like he knew it would. He turns his head slowly, his shoulders follow suit and he is ready to leave – forever, god speed, may they never meet again. But Kise squeezes his hand, stops Yukio from moving away from him, shakes his head frantically.
“I don’t want a parting gift. We’re not parting. How could you think for even a second I would reject you? How dense can you be?”
Kasamatsu frowns and wants to smack Kise upside the head, that rude little shit. But he can’t move, he can’t do anything, he didn’t anticipate that course of events. He feels hot again, his heart is hammering in his chest and he doesn’t know what to do so he starts rambling:
“I’m moving away, there’s no point- That’s not how it was supposed to go. You always fuck everything up for me, you know that? Shit. Just let it go, I’m going away. It’s impossible.”
Kise swallows and tightens his grip on Yukio’s hand. “Please, senpai. Don’t give up until you’ve tried. That’s not how you do things. You know it’s not.”
It’s really not. But Kasamatsu is scared, damn it. He was just going to get it off his chest, get himself a clean slate, leave everything behind – a fresh start. He was going to go away and forget all about Kise Ryouta. He didn’t expect Kise to stop him, to accept him, to want him back. He feels like he should be happy but new worries quickly worm their way into his head.
Long-distance relationship, Kise here and Yukio there – that could never work. It won’t work.
“It will work if you want it to,” say Kise and Kasamatsu curses inwardly. “I want it to work. Do you want it to work, senpai? Please, say you do. Don’t do this. We have to try.”
Yukio closes his eyes and takes a deep breath. “Kise.”
He wants to say something else but the words just won’t leave his mouth. Does he even know what to say? Kise looks so hopeful when Kasamatsu opens his eyes that he wonders how could he have been so dense. He should have known, he should have acted sooner, he should have been braver, they could still have had some time then.
“Don’t,” snaps Kise angrily, startling Yukio. “Don’t do that thing you’re doing. You’re thinking again. You’re the worst, senpai. I’ve waited so long and I wanted for it to happen so badly and I was going to be happy! And it happened and I’m not happy! I’m scared, because you want to run away and I don’t know how to stop you!”
Kise looks like he’s going to cry and Kasamatsu feels the urge to kick him before he starts to distract him. Kise only sniffles and the fire in his eyes doesn’t die out and, all things considered, he’s stronger than Yukio and Yukio feels so proud. He cracks a smile then and nods.
“Okay,” he huffs. “Okay, we’re doing this.”
Kasamatsu feels like he should apologize, explain, say something that would sound less like an order. But Kise’s grin is so huge and bright that Yukio just feels embarrassed, love-struck and, finally, relieved – happy. Shit, he was not ready for any of this. Kise moves like he wants to touch him, hug him or kiss him and Kasamatsu immediately moves away.
“If you kiss me here out in the open I swear to God I will kick your ass straight into the next decade.”
Kise pouts and backs away, mumbling petulantly how mean it is of senpai to treat him like that, and Yukio grins despite himself. He’s still scared, he still has no idea how to make it work, but for now, with Kise trying to plaster himself to Kasamatsu and whining about establishing some new rules… It seems easy. It seems like the easiest thing in the world.