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Mark exhales deeply.
“Oh Gosh, can you stop?” he scolds his heart.
He can feel it beating inside his ears, a loud thumping that increases in speed with every passing second. His (mom’s) car is parked right outside Donghyuck’s house, the engine turned off but his hands still around the wheel. Mark’s knuckles are going white from how tightly he’s holding onto, and he stares at the front door for a few seconds, considering if he should get out now.
Wait up, man , his internal voice calls, and then continues a speech consisting of personal encouragements he tries too hard to believe. Remember: be cool. Gotta go calmly. You’ve got this.
Mark brushes his hair in front of the rearview mirror, messing up the locks in an attempt to look casual-cool, and then looks down to check out his outfit. He’s wearing new clothes, something he roughly put together in the morning at almost the exact same time he started freaking out about today.
It’s not everyday you confess to your best friend.
One would think the extent of his preparation should be finished, but Mark still finds the smallest detail to fix as he reruns the plan over and over inside his head. He’s planned this for weeks now, has reviewed the steps with Jeno, has asked Johnny if what he’ll say is okay. Everything’s planned and ready and yet, Mark still feels like he’s gonna blow it one way or another.
Nonetheless, his mind is set. He’s going to confess to Donghyuck today.
Once he’s decided (and said out loud) that he looks great, he steps out of the car and starts walking towards the front door, palms already sweating.
It takes him a few seconds to realize how slow he’s going.
I know I said go calmly, but this is too much, he groans internally, because it feels like he’s walking in slow motion, no option whatsoever to pick up the speed. Mark feels the knot on his throat tighten with every step he takes, and his dumb heart won’t stop beating like it wants to rip out from his chest. Though he’s shaking, he catches his breath, and keep walking towards Hyuck’s home.
Almost an eternity later, he’s reached the entrance. His shaky hand comes up to knock exactly thrice before a voice responds from the inside, saying it’s on its way.
Mark’s out of breath, the moment Donghyuck opens the door in front of him.
“Canada,” the younger teases, frowning because of the unexpected visit, yet a smile creeping up his lips. “What are you doing here?”
“I’m taking you out,” Mark says, a little too quickly, a little too abrupt.
“... Out where?”
“Simon’s,” the other answers, talking about the local movie theater a few blocks down. “There’s a classics special this week. They’re screening Grease today.”
Donghyuck leans against the door frame, crossing his arms over his chest as he does so. “You hate Grease.”
“I don’t hate it,” Mark rolls his eyes, growing impatient. “I just don’t like the message it delivers. Why should Sandy change in order for that asshole to like her?”
“First of all, that asshole is called Danny Zuko and he’s a dream. Second of all, he changes for her too, you know?”
“I guess… Still an asshole, though.”
The younger laughs, a sound that makes Mark’s knees buckle. “Why do you want to watch it, then?”
Mark doesn’t think before he speaks. “Because you like it.”
Donghyuck seems taken aback for a second. There’s an expression on his face that Mark can’t quite figure out, but something tells him that that probably hadn’t been the answer the other was expecting. The older is about to mumble out an excuse, to say it was a joke and that he actually happened to have extra tickets, but Hyuck is quicker than him.
He arches his eyebrows in surprise, as if he’s come to a realization, and Mark’s heart drops to his feet at the thought of being caught.
Instead, Donghyuck coos, “... Is this to cheer me up because of that test I failed last week?”
Mark has to take a second to know what he’s talking about. Then it clicks: their Calculus test from last week, the one Mark was supposed to help Hyuck study for, but both ended up sprawled over the couch, watching Black Mirror and eating hard candy.
It’s a dumb excuse, but Hyuck’s buying it, so Mark goes along.
“Yes,” he nods. “You caught me. I feel guilty I didn’t help you study enough.”
The younger rolls his eyes, but he seems touched. Mark swears he can see a slight blush on his cheeks. “It wasn’t your fault… But I’ll accept the invitation because you’re already here, and it’s cute you want to cheer me up.”
Hyuck tries to kiss his cheek, but Mark scoots back and pushes him away. It’s automatic, a reflex, a thing he’s taught himself to do in order to not let the other know.
To not let Donghyuck know he wants to kiss him back.
His best friend laughs, because he knew that was going to happen, because he knows Mark will never give into his skinship attempts. It’s the regular, and Hyuck laughs because he’s used to.
“Let me just change into something cuter,” he chirps, looking down at the old band T-shirt he’s wearing over a pair of shorts.
Mark thinks he looks cute enough already, but he lets him go.
Lets him go, along with the breath he’s been holding.
The movie is over, Mark is grateful for that.
He’s grateful because then he doesn’t have to continue pretending like he’s staring at the screen and not at the beaming ray of sunshine sitting next to him.
And it’s just that he looks so happy Mark might just pass out.
Donghyuck has been cheery all afternoon, swooning over young John Travolta on the screen, mouthing the lyrics of every single one of the songs in the movie. There was even a time where he clung onto Mark’s arm from excitement, and the older almost crumbled down on the spot. Almost.
The only reason he didn’t is because that’s not part of the plan.
Mark’s plan, the great Confession Plan he’s been scheming for a week now with the help of some of his friends, is so perfectly structured, he doesn’t feel like there’s room for mistakes. He can’t bring himself to say anything out of the script, do anything offhand. Everything has to be perfect, because that’s what Donghyuck deserves.
So now that the movie’s over, Mark guides his best friend towards the exit, listening to him as he over analyzes the lyrics of Greased Lightning (as if there could be a deep meaning to it). Hyuck gesticulates a lot with his hands, nearly smacking a kid that walks a little too close to him, and Mark has to bite his tongue not to call him cute.
“Canada,” Donghyuck calls loudly after a few seconds.
Mark shakes his head, snapping from his thoughts. “Sorry, what?”
Hyuck squints his eyes, accusatory. “You weren’t listening to me? Rude. I just gave, like, 15 good arguments on how Greased Lightning is about self-improvement.”
“I really don’t think that’s what it’s about,” the older snickers. “I was listening, just got a little distracted. What were you saying?”
“I asked if you wanted to grab a milkshake at the diner a few blocks down.”
Mark raises his eyebrow. “Feeling a little 50s?”
Donghyuck nudges him, annoyed, but doesn’t deny the recrimination. “You want to or not?”
He wants to, but that’s not on Mark’s plan. The next stage is supposed to be a walk in the park close to Donghyuck’s home, to slowly take his hand as they walk side by side, intertwine their fingers, feel his warmth. Then Mark’s going to confess under the starry sky, staring into Hyuck’s eyes, reciting the words he wrote a thousand times down in order to perfect them.
Deviating to have a milkshake in a diner is not part of the plan, but Mark wants to because it’s Donghyuck who’s asking.
Whatever will get him to spend more time with him, Mark will say yes to.
“Johnny hyung said to try french fries with a milkshake.”
Mark grimaces. “You trust Johnny hyung?”
“You don’t?” asks Donghyuck, dipping a fry inside his strawberry milkshake and then taking a bite.
He frowns as he chews, and Mark laughs the moment Hyuck’s mouth turns downwards in disgust. Then he laughs harder as the younger goes in for another milkshake dipped fry.
“Anyways,” Donghyuck takes a sip of his drink. “I gotta admit, I was feeling a little down about bombing that Calculus test.”
Mark looks up from his own drink, but doesn’t say anything. He just stares at the boy in front of him, takes in all of his features as he continues speaking.
“But today was nice, helped me feel a little better… A lot, actually,” the younger smiles fondly, shyly. “Thank you, Mark.”
At the mention of his name, Mark gulps. He loves hearing it, poured from Donghyuck’s lips, loves looking at him as he says it. Everything down to Hyuck’s voice, Mark’s favorite song, makes the older short of breath.
But he does his best to reply. “It was the least I could do.”
“What, you love me that much?”
The older rolls his eyes. He needs to act normal. “You know I do.”
Hyuck smiles mischievously, and Mark already knows he’s in for a big tease, because that’s just how their dynamics go, because that’s what their friendship consists of. Mark saying something ambiguous and Hyuck mocking him about it.
Mark already knows he’s in for a big tease except, this time, it’s something he doesn’t quite expect.
“Oi, just take a look at my power. I made you fall for me in less than a year.”
Something inside Mark short circuits. Something inside him sets off an alarm mode, and his brain betrays him by spilling words that aren’t supposed to come out from his mouth.
At least not yet.
“I fell for you on first sight, though.”
Almost immediately, Donghyuck chokes on his drink, laughing a little in between coughs. He takes a second to catch his breath before shaking his head in disbelief.
“Very funny,” he wipes his lips with a napkin, still laughing. “I almost fell for that one.”
He raises his sight from the milkshake, eyes slightly shaking. When he notices Mark doesn’t react, doesn’t laugh with him, the smile on Hyuck’s face falters.
“That was a joke, wasn’t it?”
The older stays silent.
“Mark,” Hyuck speaks again, and there’s something staining his voice. If Mark didn’t know better, he’d say it’s panic. Maybe hope. “You don’t mean it, do you?”
“No,” it’s Mark’s first instinct, and he regrets it immediately the moment Hyuck’s eyes lose brightness. He starts mumbling words with no sense, trying to amend what he just said, trying to excuse himself. “No, wait, let me explain, I just–”
“Ah, sorry,” Donghyuck cuts him off, his voice small. His eyes fall down to his forgotten drink as he shakes his head, and he tries to smile, ashamed. “I screwed up.”
Mark frowns. “What do you mean?
“I know you’re not into guys.”
The younger tries to wave it off, tries to make it seem like it’s okay, and they’re back to silence. There’s something in the air that tells Mark something has changed. The mood, the entire atmosphere surrounding them, it has all shifted to something heavier, and Mark considers coming clean.
Time is running out.
He knows he could just let it slide, make it seem like it really was a lie. He could leave it at yes, he’s joking, of course he is. He could mask it off as just another tease, a joke he took too far.
But where would that leave his confession? He’s thinking on confessing tonight. He can’t just pass something like this as a joke, and then later admit he was saying the truth.
Donghyuck wouldn’t believe him.
Time is running out.
Tic-toc, Mark’s mind repeats over and over again. It’s getting awkward, having Hyuck in front of him without saying anything.
Tic-toc, it’s now or never.
Mark considers for a second, before deciding to throw away his entire plan— he’ll do it right here, inside this diner. Takes a deep breath before finally coming clean.
“Those really are my innermost feelings.”
Donghyuck raises his eyes to look at him. He doesn’t say anything, just continues sipping from the straw, looking at Mark as if he didn’t understand what he just said.
Mark’s eyes fall to his hands over his lap. He doesn’t think he can do it if he’s staring like that. “The first time I saw you… I knew there was something, a feeling, growing deep inside me. It took me a while to realize what it was— and I didn’t even figure it out on my own. It wasn’t until Taeyong hyung sat me down and asked me what was going on with me and you that it hit me. I liked you. I’ve liked you since the first time I saw you. Because being with you felt like spring. Like opening my eyes to sun rays entering through my window. Like I forgot languages...”
Like his rationality has been kidnapped, a real criminal act committed right before his nose. Mark doesn’t know if he’s making any sense, but the lack of answer from Hyuck tells him he probably isn’t.
“I don’t know what I’m… Listen, I know you’re, like, an actual God and I’m just a fool, but… Shit, I’ll just say it,” Mark shakes his head. His heart feels like ripping out from his chest. “I like you, Hyuck.”
Then he finally looks up.
He just told him his deep feelings. He expects to find Donghyuck looking at him like he’s crazy, judging him, maybe even laughing at him. He expects everything, and nothing at the same time, but he’s surprised at what really lies before him.
Donghyuck, expressionless, still sipping at his milkshake.
And Mark starts feeling sick.
Medicine, he thinks, head spinning. I need medicine.
Mark’s hands start shaking, and it’s such a surprise that he even managed to said that set of words without passing out. But Hyuck simply stares at him, doesn’t answer.
It’s an emergency, Mark’s dizzy.
He’s nervous, feels like puking. There’s a certain uncertainty, of not knowing what Donghyuck’s going to say, not knowing what Donghyuck’s going to do. Mark’s hesitant, and anxious, and there butterflies inside him that want to come out through his mouth. He’s afraid he’s messed everything up.
He’s even more afraid when, without saying anything, Hyuck stands up from his seat, and Mark can feel it coming.
The yelling, the laughing, the milkshake pouring over his head. His mind starts coming up with a thousand different things Hyuck can do next, and he’s ready to just accept whatever the other wants to do to him.
He knows he’s messed up. He should’ve stuck to the plan.
Donghyuck stands up from his seat, but he doesn’t leave. Instead, all he does is plop down next to Mark on his side of the booth, eyes fixed on the older for a few seconds before he gets to speak.
“Mark,” is the first thing to come out from Donghyuck’s lips in the last 10 minutes.
The older doesn’t want to look, but he does nonetheless. He locks eyes with the younger, gulps down in fear.
“You really are a fool.”
And then Mark doesn’t know what to do when Donghyuck launches forward, barely has time to look at him questioningly before he has the other’s lips over him and he’s kissing him.
It’s sweet, in both the figurative and literal senses of the word. It almost feels like his lips will fall off.
Hyuck’s impact on Mark is pure chemicals.
Serotonin. Dopamine. A full blast off.
The mood is suddenly romanticism, Mark finding himself reinterpreting life in a thousand different ways. It’s as if the world stops spinning, that very second. There’s nothing that matters but Hyuck’s lips over his, Hyuck’s hands on Mark’s shoulders pulling him close.
It last long, a few seconds, at most. But it’s enough for Mark’s mind to blank out and, when their lips part, the older is capable of saying one, and one thing only.
“Can I have another one?”
Donghyuck laughs, that laugh that first made Mark’s heart jump almost over a year ago. He laughs, and Mark takes in those couple of seconds to admire the blush on the younger’s cheeks, the shakiness of his breath.
Then Hyuck nods, leans in for the next kiss.
And, this time, Mark doesn’t tell his heart to stop how fast it’s beating.
Thank God he ditched the plan.