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Why must I miss you like this? Why does my heart beat faster everytime i listen to your laughter? Why do I feel so near yet far from you? You are miles away from me and yet, when I go to sleep, I feel your arms around me and your lips against my temple.
Sleep now.
It's like a spell. Your voice silences my thoughts but stirs up my mind. An array of new feelings. I look at you through the screen, You look pixelated because of the bad connection. But those pixels don't stop me from feeling warm under your gaze.
Come back to me soon.
After all, It's just You and Me who dreamed to be.
-----
He sighed heavily as he sat in the overstuffed Cafe. The aroma of baked goods. The calm scent of ground coffee and the chatter of people. The rain poured outside, pattering on the opaque glass windows. There was laughter somewhere, Taehyung thought, a joyful chorus of Entertainment. He sipped on his drink as he looked outside. It's been two months now. Two months since he had last seen Namjoon. Though they talk, it's never felt this way. Taehyung had met the elder in school, they both had instantly clicked. Taehyung was a very popular guy, a bit on the naughty side and Namjoon had been on the good side, The shy helpful guy who was brilliant at everything he did. A little clumsy though.
Taehyung had wondered if that clumsiness was contagious, still did because somewhere during the course of the two months apart, Taehyung had fallen. Hard and steadily. It was like falling from a height, knowing that even though there wasn't someone to catch you, you wouldn't regret it because it was the fall that was exhilarating.
He remembers reading it somewhere,
“Fallen are those, who have known love and Fallen are those, who have let it steal their breath.
Is there a point in living, If you haven't felt your happiness, in the smile of another?
Or, Safety, in the arms of another.
Have you lived if you haven't felt love?
Have you not been moved when a mother cried for her child?
Have you felt?”
Taehyung wanted to yell at the top of his lungs because, Yes. Yes, he had felt. And he had fallen. For a man who was supposed to be a friend and not a piece of his heart. He knew there wasn't much he could do. His heart was longing for the elder, but all he could do was wait.
Namjoon, the ever-brilliant man that he is, had went to Busan for a project of his over summer. Taehyung had asked his close childhood friend, Jeongguk, to let Namjoon stay with him for the time and Jeongguk being his normal effortlessly adorable and loveable self had managed to get cozy with the elder and it bugged Taehyung because he couldn't hate his old friend. Couldn't hate the guy who was warming Namjoon's bed for the summer.
Taehyung found that he couldn't really complain, because he was dead set on making his feelings vanish. He had tried working out almost everyday, sleeping around, going to clubs and getting drunk off his mind even though he hated liquor. Taehyung had the first row seat for watching his sanity getting ripped into pieces and he didn't want to do anything. He had decided to drown himself in work. He shared an apartment with Namjoon ever since the sophomore year of college. That was 2 years ago. They've been living together, eating together and when the nights were rough and sleep was a dream, they talked. Talked about feelings hidden deep inside their chests, under the cage of too many walls that they had put up to be able to live.
Taehyung sipped at his coffee, working on a 2000 word essay for his class. He sighed for the Nth time and decided he couldn't drill his brain more than he already had. Deciding to call it a day, He grabbed his laptop and journal and stuffed it into his bag and vacated his booth. Tossing the cup into the dustbin, Taehyung grabbed his umbrella and walked out into the pouring rain. He walked slowly, breathing deeply and forced his mind to stop turning so fast. He’s engaged so deeply in his thoughts that he didn't notice when he reached his apartment block. Taehyung looked up at the tall building, the soft frown on his face smoothing out when he looked at the sky, letting the rain drops fall on his face for a brief moment. The cool droplets felt nice against his aching head and for once, Taehyung was glad that it was raining. He walked up to his apartment and unlocked the door, Toeing off his shoes and discarding his coat and umbrella, he went directly to his bedroom, stripping himself of any clothing and hoping in for a quick cold shower.
Taehyung thinks he hears Namjoon's door open because it's literally adjacent to their shared bathroom door and the brunette pitifully chuckles to himself.
Is this where I've gotten to? Imagining you're here?
It's pity more than anything else really. Taehyung knows he should tell Namjoon about his feelings but the last time they talked was a week ago, the elder being way too busy to keep up with Taehyung's complains and his own work. So, he doesn't. He preferred suffering alone than suffering with a severed bond. A shiver ran through his spine, his heartbeat picked up and soon enough, he was crying. Because even though Taehyung has been wallowing in his self pity since Namjoon has left, the longing is just painfully evident now, in the confines of the bathroom and a shower that ran cold. Taehyung wants to reach out but to whom? Sure, he has friends. Amazing Friends at that but he wants some to hold him in their arms. Wants someone to love him like he does them. Someone who is Namjoon.
He followed his routine robotically soon after his little pitiful breakdown. He stepped out of the shower and looked at his reflection. Tired and so dull. He tried smiling, tried to make himself laugh but it didn't come. He's tired enough to not even have the energy to cry because his the reason of his happiness is Namjoon and he is far away. He towelled his hair dry and went to his room. Putting on some boxers and a loose t-shirt he stole from Namjoon when they had just moved in. He plopped down on his bed, deciding to skip dinner because he honestly just doesn't want to move, but wants to disappear from the world for a while, doesn't want to feel.
Taehyung hasn't really made healthy decisions in a while and doesn't plan in doing so. He unlocked his phone, wincing at the brightness and opened Jimin's texts, typing out a quick reply, he looked for Namjoon's non-existent texts, He scoffed softly at himself, shaking his head. He honestly didn't expect them to be there but it still stings somewhere deep inside his chest. He tried not to think much of it and closed his eyes to fall into a restless sleep.
🌸
The next day, Taehyung woke up even more tired and with a headache. The sheets rustled as he looked for his phone, groaning when he couldn't find it. He leaned over the side to look for it on the ground and there it was, at the foot of the nightstand. He picked it up and unlocked it to find a flurry of texts….
From Namjoon.
His heart skipped a beat and he shot up from the bed to frantically pace around his room. Another ping sounded and he dived for his phone, hitting his head on the headboard, he swore softly as he opened the texts.
Joonie Hyung: Taehyungie? Are you awake?
Me: Hi Hyungie, yeah I'm awake
Me: how are you?
Joonie Hyung: Hi Tiger, I'm fine, just tired and i miss you. Sorry I didn't talk for the past couple of weeks. I'm sorry :(. I was just very busy but I should've replied.
Me: It's okay, Hyung.
Joonie Hyung: No, it's not. I know you, Taehyung. I know why you haven't spammed me.
Joonie Hyung: I miss talking to you so much. I miss your jokes, The emoji spam, the random pictures.
Joonie Hyung: Jungkook's usually out most of the time so I feel lonely, even more so without your texts.
Joonie Hyung: I wanna come home.
Taehyung's heart was beating out his chest, a smile stretching over his face, his eyes glossing over, even if those words hit him hard, right where it hurt the most. Very hard. And he didn't think when he sent the reply.
Me: Then come back to me.
Me: Let me be selfish and ask you this, Come back to me.
Me: Just come back to me so I can hug you once more.
Me: Come back to me if you miss me that much.
Me: Please.
A single tear escaped his eye as he typed out those pleas and soon enough, the emotions overflowed with his eyes, flowing until they got collected and slowly dripped off the edge and into the void of his room. He smiled through his sobs when Namjoon's next text came.
Joonie Hyung: Oh Cub :( I'll be back soon.
Joonie Hyung: Did you eat anything yet?
Me: uhh,,,, no?
Joonie Hyung: Taehyung.
Me: I just woke up:( I missed you so much last night:(
Joonie Hyung: Rough day? How is that essay coming up?
Me: Worst >:((( and that essay is eating at my brain heavy siGH
Me: waIT, How do you know?? about the essay?
Joonie Hyung: You told me about them, dumbass -_-
Me: Did I? :o
Joonie Hyung: yes, you did sigh,,,
Joonie Hyung: will you do one thing for me?
Me: Yeah??
Joonie Hyung: Cook a big breakfast, okay? We'll eat together.
Me: Okay.
Me: I'll go brush my teeth. (^∆^♥)
Me: Love you Hyungiee♡♡
Joonie Hyung: Love you too, Taetae
Taehyung scanned over the texts thrice, Smiling widely as he let a sound between a squeak and a giggle and hopped off his bed and towards the bathroom. When he looked in the mirror after washing his face, his eyes were alive and warm, his skin looked better than last night and he felt so much lighter. There was a bounce in his steps as he walked to the kitchen, taking out the egg tray and ready-to-make pancakes, he made breakfast happily. This is what Namjoon did to him, He had become such a big part of the younger's life. As he cooked the breakfast, He thought back to when they had first met……. because of their mutual love for each other's hair.
🌸
Namjoon had short mint hair when Taehyung had first seen him, and had introduced himself with the most embarrassing line ever, "You look as cool as ice water after mint gum." Namjoon had blankly stared at him and burst out laughing, " Thank you, Mister Traffic cone."
Taehyung cringed at himself and apologized softly, " Hi, I'm Taehyung and I should not have said that", He had extended his hand, which the elder accepted gladly, "Namjoon.",He said, a dimpled smile on his face. Beautiful.
They met quite frequently at that, at art exhibitions, galleries or in the campus cafeteria or in class and soon discovered their mutual friend group. At that time, Taehyung had been in a relationship, an unhealthy one. He and Namjoon both had the same major, English honours, so they met more often than not. Soon, Taehyung found a safe place to talk about his deepest insecurities and secrets and was lucky enough to receive that trust back when Namjoon trusted him enough to open up. They were similar, yet different. A perfect match. Yin to Yang. A presence that grounded them. They were to each other what people usually wished for. They helped each other grow, became each other's 3am company and when nights were rough, they walked together until the sun broke the horizon, sometimes they lay together in the grass, silence comfortable enough that no words were needed.
And then, Taehyung's boyfriend dumped him and Taehyung hit a new low point of his life, His lowest one yet. They were some if the darkest months of his life and Taehyung soon found why he stayed and fought during those months, because Namjoon still looked at him like he meant something even when Taehyung pushed everyone away enough that they stayed away, as far away as they could be.
Namjoon fought for Taehyung when the younger gave up, the elder made Taehyung fight when he didn't have the energy to. He didn't treat him like a weak, vulnerable person because to him, showing true emotions was an act of bravery, still is. Namjoon trusted Taehyung, believed that Taehyung will come back and be alright. And Taehyung wanted to keep his trust and he did keep it. The younger pulled himself back together, accepted what had happened and decided to forgive and learn.
During Taehyung's depression, Namjoon stayed by him but didn't let Taehyung depend on the elder. He brought Taehyung out of that trench and.
They decided to share an apartment soon after Taehyung got back to his senses and Taehyung literally jumped at the idea. When Namjoon had asked him to share the apartment with him, Taehyung felt like crying because he somewhere deep inside felt unworthy but the sweet, kind Namjoon sensed that too.
and Taehyung reciprocated it all. When Namjoon was panicking or depressed or anxious, Taehyung took up the job of taking care of him. Cuddling the elder endlessly, surprising him with his favorite confectionery and chocolates, sang to the elder when his negative thoughts were the only thing he could hear.
"When your dark thoughts are the only thing you can hear, I will sing for you. Because in that darkness you need to listen to something other than your mind.", Taehyung had said, standing outside Namjoon's locked door. He had sat down, leaning against the door and sang until Namjoon had abruptly opened the door, making Taehyung fall on his back and hugged him tight.
They shared with each other, the poems they wrote. A collection of their feelings and helped each other with whatever they could.
And as of their friends, They endlessly teased the two, naming them the old married couples and Taehyung secretly wished for it but he never let it show.
And then, during a drunken game of truth or dare, Taehyung revealed his bedroom dynamic and Namjoon had choked on his drink, because he has heard the noises and wondered what a perfect match the younger is for him.
In that same game, Hoseok dared Taehyung to dye his hair an electric blue, expecting him to look bad but then Taehyung walked out of the studio looking hotter than Namjoon has seen him and that was the one of the biggest gay panic Namjoon has ever had.
They both became closer after Namjoon worked up the courage to tell Taehyung about his "little" gay panic. Taehyung had smirked like a cat while Namjoon was fumbling with his words and it annoyed Namjoon enough that he dumped ice water over his newly dyed hair, "Your hair didn't look cool enough", Namjoon scoffed at him, a blush sitting high on his cheeks. Taehyung had laughed hard enough that he couldn't breathe. Not at that bad oun, but at the flustered, pouting elder sitting in front of him.
🌸
So, here he was, done with cooking the breakfast, He clicked a picture and sent it to Namjoon. Taehyung clicked on the facetime button, smiling softly as he mentally prepared himself to hear Namjoon's voice and to tell the elder how he actually feels about him. He propped the phone against a bottle and sat on a chair, putting his head on his folded arms, Taehyung looked at the Phone expectantly, his heart pounding in his ears but his call got declined.
He huffed out a breath, pouting and called again and Namjoon kept declining his calls.
Joonie Hyung: I can't talk right now. I'm busy. You can eat alone. Bye.
Taehyung frowned as he read the text again squinting at the words as a sharp tinge of disappointment flared in him. He tried to suppress the sudden urge to cry a thought crossed his mind.
what if he doesn't want to talk to me? Did jungkook come back? Is he back to ignoring me?
His lower lip jutted out in a pout as he played with the scrambled eggs in his plate, suddenly having lost his appetite, he sipped at his coffee.
10 minutes later, the doorbell rang. He jumped in his seat at the sudden noise. Putting his mug down, he huffed a breath, putting his hand on his chest to calm his breath a little. He got up and walked up to the door to open it.
And his heart dropped as soon as he opened the door. Because there he was, Namjoon, smiling at him as he scanned the younger's face with kind,warm eyes.
Taehyung fell to his knees, leaning against the door as he looked up at Namjoon who immediately dropped his bag to crouch in front of Taehyung. He cupped the younger's cheeks and kissed his forehead, "I came back for you", He whispered against Taehyung's forehead and only then did he let himself cry, sinking to sit down on the floor. Taehyung threw his hands around Namjoon's shoulders and buried his head in the crook of his neck, "You came back.", He sobbed into Namjoon's neck, strong arms gripped tightly at his waist.
Taehyung's missed this so much. He could feel the desperation in the hug and he didn't care because he needed this. He needed Namjoon. The last couple of months have been hard for him and with the biggest source of constant comfort away from him, He quite literally didn't know how to function.
What do you even do when the person you would live for, even when you don't want to, appears in front of you?
"Taehyung, baby, let's get inside. Okay?", Namjoon said, voice thick with tears. He felt a kiss being pressed to his temple before he was getting hauled up.
Baby. The younger's stomach flipped at the word.
Taehyung got up on his wobbly feet and looked at Namjoon struggling with his suitcases and chuckled, "Here, let me help.", Taehyung took one of the elder's suitcase and pulled it inside. "
Taehyung's heart was still racing as he sat down on the couch with Namjoon. He looked so good with his golden hair which shone in the lights, his warm brown eyes looking at the younger with such love in them and that kind dimpled smile. "What about Jungkook?", Taehyung asked, terrified of his answer. "I never slept with him. It was our plan to see your reaction. Jimin was in on our plan as well", Namjoon shrugged, barely concealing the smile on his face as he looked at Taehyung's face get twisted in confusion.
"What plan?"
"I wanted to see if you would be bothered by it….me sleeping with someone else and of course you did.", The elder replied as he walked towards the younger and pushed him, Taehyung stumbled and fell on the couch and Namjoon smiled fondly as he brushed Taehyung's hair away from his eyes.
"I know it was a bit cruel to wait for this long but after last night Jimin saw you walking home and I just couldn't wait anymore and I packed my bags and here I am.", Namjoon cupped his cheek and brushed his thumb over his skin. "Smart ass, you don't even know how much it hurt when you told me you were sleeping with him. During the past week, I literally thought that you forgot about me", Taehyung pouted, looking away as his cheeks turned pink, heart beating out of his chest. Namjoon climbed into his lap and straddled his thighs," As if I'd forget the man I love.", Namjoon smiled innocently while Taehyung choked on air. Namjoon leaned into Taehyung's ear and whispered,"I love you." and kissed his cheek. Taehyung soon gained his composure and gripped the blonde's chin, "Stop it. You've already teased me enough.", Taehyung said in a low voice, the challenge evident on his face and Namjoon obeyed as he looked straight into Taehyung's eyes, "I love you, Taehyung.", He smiled wobbly, his bravado falling as his welled up.
"I love you too. So much.", Taehyung whispered as his eyes also betrayed him. Their foreheads pressed together, Taehyung kissed the palms of Namjoon's hands, his cheeks, his forehead, the corner of his mouth and finally their lips met for a brief moment, "Is this okay?", Taehyung asked quietly.
Namjoon smiled and answered by pressing his lips to Taehyung's and his blood warmed up as they kissed softly, for the first time and Taehyung swore softly into Namjoon's mouth because kissing Namjoon is the best thing Taehyung has done in his life. He briefly wondered, if Namjoon can hear his heart beating in sync with the elder's. It was a soft sweet kiss, beautiful but soon enough the longing that they felt gave way to the desperation. Namjoon's hands gripped at Taehyung's hair as the younger pulled him closer by his hips.
They pulled away when they were out of breath and broke out into laughter as they sat there.
Taehyung kissed his nose, "how did you come here?"
"Via train", Namjoon replied, smiling cheekily, making Taehyung roll his eyes and pinch Namjoon's thigh. The elder yelped at the sting. Taehyung was looking at him with challenge in his eyes and Namjoon really didn't want to defy him. "For the whole entirety of the last week, I was also busy completing my project so I could come back earlier. That's why I couldn't talk plus our plan.", He mumbled as he looked down at Taehyung's hand on his hip, his thumb rubbing circles into the fabric of his jeans.
"oh, so, baby worked hard for me?" Taehyung said in his beautiful deep voice and the elder smiled softly as he looked up at him, his cheeks colouring when he found Taehyung staring at him with a different kind of intensity. Hunger. Taehyung pulled him in for a slow passionate kiss, tongues dancing. Namjoon let out a happy little keen when the younger nipped at his lip, moving away to kiss down his neck.
"Yeah", Namjoon huffed and made to get up from Taehyung's lap when the younger held him in his place firmly. The daily gym trips were paying off.
"You've been working out", Namjoon stated, visibly gulping as he looked at Taehyung."I thought Jimin was lying. Shit", His hands roamed on Taehyung's chest, firm but soft muscles rippling under the shirt and only then did they realize that Taehyung was in his boxers and a thin t-shirt and Namjoon fumbled to get up, sputtering as he blushed heavily while Taehyung looked away and smirked softly.
"I should remove my lenses", Namjoon stated in a matter of factly tone and bent over to fetch his bag from the ground, "I'll get freshed up then we can have breakfast. I told you we will do breakfast together", Namjoon winked and ran off to their bathroom as realization dawned on Taehyung and He laughed heartily, the feeling of being alive flooded his body as he got up to chase after the elder. He pinned the elder against the wall, accidentally smashing the back of his head,"Oh my god, are you okay?, Taehyung laughed, The elder punched his chest lightly, "Not the pounding I prefer but yeah, I'm fine", He said, looking straight into the younger's eyes, which darkened with a mix of emotions. He raised an eyebrow, mouth quirking up at one side,"I'll give you your preference of pounding soon, baby."
With that, Taehyung slotted their mouths together and kissed him breathless," Go get ready, we're going on a date." He patted the elder's butt twice and pecked his nose before letting go.
Laughter rang through their apartment like a ray of sunshine cuts through darkness and filling the void, that their apartment had become with happiness that was beyond beautiful.
Because Love is feeling that either makes your world heaven or it rips you apart. Taehyung thought how lucky he was as he held Namjoon in his arms that night, How lucky indeed. Because he fell in love with the man who showed him the reasons to love himself, who stayed with him and learnt to accept his mistakes and love himself as well. They loved each other not because they witnessed each other's but because they knew what stole their peace of mind when the moon and stars were the only company. Love. It can save you. Like it saved him. Whether it's for yourself or for others, it saves you. It makes you fight.
🌸
I am blessed to have you here in my arms. I am the happiest when you look at me, the warmest in your arms. I am the most loved person in this world. this planet should be thankful to have you. I have known what it's like to long for you and I have known what it's like to be heartbroken. I want you to know that you have made me live. And I live so I love. I have survived my darkness because you have supported me and want to help you fight yours. I love you, because that's what I feel for you, You make me breathe, you make me feel alive and I want to do so for you too. And as we've walked together till now, I pray that we walk together always. I want to be there when your mind whispers in the night, when that voice keeps you awake and tells you to give up. I want to make mine as I want to be yours. I love you, forever and always.
"You and I are the only ones here
Me and You
Oh you"