Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

One day on cybertron some fat stupid prick was rolling around on his stupid gay little throne of lies.

But this wasn't just any normal prick this prick was named sentinel prime!

Now sentinel wasn't like the other boys at school sentinel was a prick of such legendary standing that even the great and powerful biggie cheese observed him, he declared to his disciples "CHILDREN HEAR MY WORDS AND KNOW MY TRUTHS, I DONT LIKE WHERE THIS TREACHERY LEADS US. I WILL KEEP AN EYE OUT."

Of course we know what happened next sentinel used the political discourse left from the now ended war to push his own sinister agenda. He used his power to have any bot he ever desired and claimed it to be justice. Now why did sentinel do this? you may stupidly ask.

Well some say it's just some dick swinging to make up for his gross microsyphallic penis, some say his parents (justifiably) didn't love him, some say he did it to hide his gay love boner for Optimus prime.

But everyone agreed it was really stupid.

Biggie cheese made his Ascension from the heavens. He looked at the destruction that had been wrought and shuttered he silently apologized for all those poor mechs had been through he promised he would make things right.

On cybertron things remained the same. Sentinel was stupid, cons were sad, and Ironhide was sexy.

But then one day while raping a slave that was far to good to even look in his ugly direction that devilish prick sentinel thought up a dastardly tard plan.

Sentinel:" Gosh darn it I can't get it up!"

Unidentified slave:" Again? Oh rats."

Then while masterbating to Donald Trump's nudes he thought up a brilliant gay idea!

Sentinel:" Golly gee whillickers! Ooh I know what I'll do. If the wholeheartedly superior team prime Autobots won't have pity sex with me I'll kidnap one of their sexiest members and then they fear me and since I get off on pointless suffering I'll surely get it up! Oooooooooh this plan has given me a chub.

Unidentified slave:"is it in yet?"

After satisfying only himself sentinel thought up a plan and by that I mean he just shit his pants and did nothing. Somehow that gave him the admittedly competent idea to frame the members of team prime for treason and snatch said sex machine up while everyone was distracted.

After the Autobots realized what was going on they did a head count and realized something.
ONE OF THEIR SEXIEST MEMBERS IS MISSING!!!!

using his sexually attractive brain starscream deduced it was sentinel the fake prime that took crosshairs! But as leader of cybertron that meant he had access to any building he wanted, anywhere on cybertron and worse if they just went in guns blazing they would confirm everything the enforcement tried to frame them for.

Which meant for now they could only search and hope crosshairs didnt suffer to much.

But one sexy muscley autobot sex mach- OHHHHH *cums pants* *ahem* one autobot would not allow himslef to forget his friend and partner. But no matter how hard he makes me*SMACK* how hard he looked he just couldn't find crosshairs. As he got desperate he started venturing into territory outside his jurisdiction but still no luck. So he went home a broken, pathetic, sexy, wreck.

MEANWHILE

sentinel looked upon his undeserved prized with a smirk. He could only do one thing smirk. He accomplished what even Megatron couldn't and got one over on Optimus prime! Now it was time to wreap the benefits of his "work" he let loose his throbbing uncircumcised Spike and thrust it in.

Crosshairs: "is it in yet?"

Sentinel:"GODDAMNIT! I AM THE PRIME, YOU WILL OBEY ME!"

Sentinel then took off his care bear panties and began strangling crosshairs.

Crosshairs sat with blacks spots in his vision on the verge of death.

Crosshairs (mind):"so this is it ey, this is how I go? No glorious battle? Just being choked out by some lunatic."

And then

*BAM*

Sentinel:"IRONHIDE,BIGGIE CHEESE, AND ASSORTED INDIVIDUALS?!?!?!??!?!?!?"

ironhide ran past a distracted sentinel as he fought biggie cheese while his disciples took out sentinels guards. Hide scooped up the battered sexy Corvette in his big, hot muscely- OHHHHH *cums pants* *ahem* i-i-in his arms.

Sentinel and biggie charged at each other and biggie whipped out his might biggie penis and used it like a whip. Due the absurd length and girth of his penis sentinel was crushed into nothing but broken parts.

Hide elected to take crosshairs back to base to decide what they'd do with the current situation on cybertron which would be even more crazy now that sentinel was now thankfully dead.

Biggie and his disciples went to traverse the universe and find more disadvantaged people in need of assistance.

They would go on to make a peaceful and happy universe.

Together

Chapter Text

What?

Oh! You still wanna know what happened to the rest of cybertron right? Well don't worry fellow believers because I'll tell you!

Jazz is c-currently o-ooooooh *cums pants*

O-okay let try someone else.

Crosshairs took years to recover from the trauma he sometimes blames himself *frowns* he sometimes still acts as if he enjoyed what that Trump wannabe did to him- WHEN HE FUCKING DIDNT! FUCK YOU DAD! GAMERS RISE UP! *ahem* he eventually started the recovery process and thankfully has a wide support network to help him navigate the road to recovery.

Optimus began the tumultuous journey of leading cybertron to a new positive future that benefited everyone bot and con alike. To show that there was still rules in effect uncaptured decepticons were still put in jail, they were just given rights instead the insanity sentinel had. He also had the Autobots of team prime with their con consorts relocate to Earth as many of the cons desired it after the horrors they endured. He still makes sure to keep in touch with all of them.

As for sentinels sympathizers, FUCK THEM THEY WERE CHAINED UP IN PUBLIC FOR ALL TO SEE AND FUCKED IN THE ASS WITH A 60-FOOT SPIKY POLE COVERED IN BARBED WIRE AND TOBASCO SAUCE! NOTHING OF VALUE WAS LOST GOODNIGHT!

as for ironh-ohhhhhhh *cums pants*

I think I should end this here. My shorts are very... unusable at the moment.

Also some strange heathens believe I made this incredibly truthful, insightful, and absolutely factual story up after I engaged in the use of several narcotics and for those doubting the validity of the story, know this, it is of the utmost truth and integrity. Biggie cheese himself sent it to me in a dream! Obviously no more evidence is needed.

If you believed there's anyone I missed I shall ask our Lord and savior biggie cheese.

Chapter Text

Everyone!!!! Come quick!!!!! Team primes having an all hero sex orgy. Alll true disciples of biggie cheese are invited!

Oh. You want actual updates on the status of everyone post orange bitch.

Optimus: realizing he was a prime (and a sexy one at that) he grabbed his fucking ion rifle, showed up at skywarps masters house and said "fuck this shit, you're all gonna die." Then promptly shot them all to pieces. Good riddance. Skywarp had been severely coded like vortex so ratchet had to back him to undo the damage they did. He was mortified over the promiscuous thing he'd become and had a tough but fair recovery, made much easier by having his trine their to convince him he wasn't just a pleasure drone and he was indeed still their trinemate. Now the three fully United seekers stand beside Optimus as his command trine. Optimus and the seekers decided to bond and the-OHHHHHHHHHH*cums pants* haven't done that in a while. Let's get to some others. *Wipes sweat from forehead*

Ironhide and his sexy bitches™:*looks down* I SWEAR TO GOD I HAD PANTS ON BEFORE THIS! *ahem* h-he h-he and crosshairs reconciled after some m-minor tweaks from ratchet and some basic therapy. Crosshairs, Drift, Barricade, Jazz, Dreadhot, Blackout, and hide have been inseperable and despite being safe on Earth are still very overprotective of each other. Logical considering what they've been through. Now they just stay with the humans welcoming allies and helping the slave cons heal.

Ratchet: our favorite cranky wrench throwing medic has chosen to become a headmaster. His headmaster partner is Dr. House. He has allowed himself to open up more and has bonded on an emotional level with the constructicons. Obviously he structies make sure every ally autobot and former slave con get the best medical care they could ever receive.

Sentinels slaves: ashamed of what they did. They pleaded spark and and soul to please be forgiven. Team prime said yes cause hatred isn't a sexy look on them. Now to shamed to be in the same room as other mechs and still in need of recovery most of them got repaired and travel the earth, leading a nomadic lifestyle and searching for purpose and a place where they truly belong.

Tarn: tarn realized he was motherfuckin tarn and slit the throat of all those slimy porn fucks. He then gathered all the other con slaves and helped them make a break for the space bridge after hearing about everything team prime had been up to on a datapad one of the slimy porn fucks had. He and blackout are close friends and help each other recover end they along with blastoff are best friends. Tarn has scanned a bigger tank so when Optimus does retake cybertron he can lay waste to as many 'autobots' as possible. Recovery continues as usual once again helped by friendship and safety.

Hound: oh. He's still a fat ballerina.

The stunticons: the reformatting was a success! However the military didn't appreciate them accidentally destroying an entire military hangar with their first time combining. But hey new combiner means more firepower, so they got over it.

The combaticons: as with the others the recovery process is slow and tedious but made easier by having their gestalt around and the free open territory of Earth. Prowl and onslaught, and the other combaticons have successfully bonded and now prowl is officially part of bruticus. Unlike the stunticons they combined outside and with the addition of prowl have become a fiercely intellectual combiner. Combine that and the firepower of the other and the 'autobots' don't stand a chance.

Soundwave & bumblebee: have formed a garage metal band called soundwave and the tapedecis! They dominated at every major music festival and will most likely get their pick of the groupies. They also help communication with primes supporters on cybertron.

Sentinel: like most cockroaches this FUCKING FUCK WONT FUCKING DIE FUCK YOU! I HATE ALL OF YOU!!!! HE STILL WALKS WITH A DISGUSTING TARD WALK. WHEN PRIME AND THE RESISTANCE ARE READY THEY WILL SODOMIZE HIS STUPID PORT UNTIL HE FUCKING BLEEDS AND THEN THEY'LL COME FOR HIS SOYBOY GAY CUCK STIPID ASS FOLLOWERS! FUCK YOU DAD! GAMERS RISE UP!!!!!!

sentinels followers: FUCK THEM TO! MOST OF THEM WERE BRUTALLY SODOMIZED WITH A 60 FOOT SPIKED POLE COVERED IN BARBED WIRE, TOBASCO SAUCE AND FIRE ANTS! WHERE DID TEAM PRIME GET THEM YOU RETARDEDLY ASK? FUCK YOU ITS NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS. SENTINELS NOT A REAL PRIME! #FAKENEWS!!!!! REEEEEEEEEEEEEEE

Biggie cheese: our Lord and savior has once again ascended to the heavens to watch over should that dick headed monkey fucker sentinel ever get the upper hand. He is still bombastic and very fantastic.

Tsark, slaskia, and the other disciples of the cheese were graduated to war heroes and given the highest military honors for being the best soldiers a biggie cheese believer could ever serve with.

Steena: off in Vegas smoking weed.

Thanks for going on this magical journey with me.

Chapter Text

It was a normal day and mouse muffins was just typing comments when he heard a rustling somewhere in his house.

He walked down his stairs entered his living room and turned on the lights.

There stood in all his glory was the one, the only, biggie cheese.

"I'm here to talk to you about the biggie cheese initiative." Biggie sternly said.

"The biggie cheese initiative? What's that?" Mousemuffins timidly asked.

"I'm going to gather the mightiest heroes and fight the threats our world can't handle."

Gaining a bit of confidence mousemuffins declared...

"Alright cheese I'm in, let's see where this leads."

This a new member of biggies posse was born.