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The light in front of my house doesn’t flicker tonight. I thought this was a sign that the universe was still on my side, still rooting for me but as I look at it now, it should have felt like an omen.
“[Name], are you listening?”
I focus on him now, his half lit face in the darkness. This view only came in flashes before because the flickering lamp lights. On those nights, I wished that the light would work so I could remember them better. The nights where his hoodie was zipped up, where we talked in hushed tones outside my house sharing fried chicken before his curfew, where he still felt like home. I wish the light flickered tonight so I don’t have to remember this night so damn clearly.
“Yeah. Sorry. I just needed a minute.”
Even in this poorly lit street, I can still see his eyes soften and notice his hand moving to reach me but stops halfway. His hand remains at a soft grip for the rest of the conversation.
“You don’t have anything to say?”
My neighbourhood’s streets were too small for cars so even if I wanted to drown out the sound of his words with heavy traffic, luck was not on my side. I try to look at him through the black mask he wore to cover half his face and the cap he threw on to cover his eyes but I can’t see anything I have seen before.
“Am I supposed to?”
“No. But maybe you’d feel better if you said something.”
He was always so considerate. I kinda wish he wasn’t so I felt better about this moment but he was incapable of being anything but.
“I don’t know what to say.”
“You don’t have to think too hard about it.”
He was always so comforting. Like the blanket I could never let go of as a child. No matter how bad it smelled and how much my mom begged me to let it go at least to get it washed, I felt like I could never go on a day without it. I guess I’d have to learn to go on without him too.
“Is this because of me?”
Why did I just ask that? I don’t know what answer I was expecting. He could never tell me it was and I probably could never accept it. He looks at me and removes his cap to run his hand through his hair. The sadness in his eyes as he looks at me is too much and I look away. In the corner of my eye, I can see him about to move towards me but hesitate.
“No. This isn’t your fault at all. It’s mine.”
Despite his reassurance it wasn’t my fault, I just couldn’t believe him. It was my fault that I expected him to stay the same despite his life being so different from what it used to be when we first got together. I set myself up. The hurt I was feeling right now came out of my own expectations. I decided to break the silence and ask him for one last thing.
“Can I just ask for a hug before you go?”
He doesn’t answer me but moves to wrap his arms around me. I rest my head on his shoulder and close my eyes. I try to remember how he felt and how he smells. I hope he never pulls away but eventually, he does. He puts his cap back on and says something about how we can still hang out and be friends. He turns to walk away but I stay there. I wish I could say he turns around and hugs me one last time but he doesn’t. He just keeps walking. As I watch him leave, I shield myself from further heartbreak and tell myself that we’ve outgrown each other. No matter how much I try to say otherwise, he was right. We weren’t children around the playground anymore. Our world was so much bigger than it used to be. But that realization didn’t stop me from feeling like the child who just lost their favorite blanket again.