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“Sit down.” Tang Yi’s face is stoic, but his voice is lacking the venom you would suggest. “Let me see to the cut.”
Shao Fei follows reluctantly, holding onto his already bandaged up arm.
“Tang Yi”, he starts but gets cut short by a glare.
He lets out a sigh, lips turning into a small pout.
Tang Yi doesn't react, instead he reaches out and tilts his head up with his fingers, the touch so light and feathery, no matter the turmoil Shao Fei suspects to work inside him right at this moment. He’s become good at reading Tang Yi.
“Tang Yi”, he tries again, whining a bit. A move to get out of his grip fails; Tang Yi wouldn’t let him.
If he would only look at him! Shao thinks, frustration bubbling up inside him.
But Tang Yi’s fingers won’t budge, and his eyes are still glued to Shao Fei’s injury, avoiding eye contact at all costs.
“I’m still mad at you.” Tang Yi finally says, eyes still firmly avoiding his. Shao Fei’s pout grows. This is ridiculous!
“Stop moving or I’ll accidently hurt you”, Tang Yi hisses, finally showing some other emotion than sheer control and emotionless mask, as he moves to apply the antiseptic to the cut. As it touches the open flesh, Shao Fei flinches just so slightly, no matter how much he tries to suppress it.
Of course, Tang Yi notices. But to Shao Fei's surprise he remains silent. Only the just so slight hardening around his mouth, gives a hint of what he must feel inside. It’s so easy to miss, but Shao Fei has seen it. Heaviness settles in his stomach.
Without saying another word, Tang Yi closes the bottle of antiseptic and gets up into the direction of the accompanied bathroom. He doesn't look back once.
Shao Fei’s eyes follow after him, notices the brisk walk and the held tight shoulders. Shao Fei's grip tightens on his battered up arm to keep himself from rubbing at the sizzling cut on his face. He knows better than that.
He also knows Tang Yi.
When Tang Yi enters merely a minute later his face is again indifferent.
He rarely puts on this face around Shao Fei anymore. The definition of indifference.
Even in the beginning of their relationship, it had always been strenuous to Tang Yi to stay stoic around Shao Fei.
(Back then Shao Fei secretly had taken pride in the fact, that he would get under his skin and throw him off. The impact he had on Tang Yi. Today? Today, he does so openly and shamelessly.)
Tang Yi avoiding the mask around him, normally, also means, whenever Tang Yi does manage to be this cold and distant around him, it’s bad. Judging by the way he’s striding back into the room: really bad.
Shao Fei stands up walking towards Tang Yi, eyes soft. “Tang Yi.”
When Tang Yi doesn’t seem to be willing to slow down, or to even face him, he simply steps in front of him, blocking his way with his body.
“Tang Yi”, more forcefully this time. “At least talk to me and stop that glaring game!”
And just like that…The mask breaks. And underneath… is rage. Shao Fei can see Tang Yi’s eyes widen. Can see how his mouth sets, his whole body going tense.
He takes a deep breath, bracing himself for the inevitable.
And sure enough, Tang Yi delivers.
“You weren’t even supposed to be there!”
Shao Fei doesn’t flinch at the outburst. He knew it would come. How inevitable it is, to clear the air. So, he’s letting Tang Yi rant. He’ll notice the time to step in, he always does.
“You weren’t supposed to be anywhere near the scene! I’ve kept the whole thing hidden from you for a reason! And still you! YOU! You have to plop up, rush in and nearly get yourself killed! For what?!” Tang Yi’s eyes are shooting fire. “Tell me, Shao Fei! For what?”
As quickly as it came, the force in his voice has left, the last sentence merely a whisper, as he repeats his name. “Shao Fei… you-“
Tang Yi stands completely still, not moving a bit. Shao Fei’s heart aches. Seeing the man you love like this, never gets easier, no matter the time.
“Tang Yi-“, Shao Fei steps closer, closing the distance between them, bringing up his good arm and softly places the palm against Tang Yi’s reddened face. Tang Yi leans into it; the aching in Shao Fei’s chest deepens.
“Tang Yi, where else should I have been if not by your side?”
Tang Yi closes his eyes, pain washing over his face.
“Tang Yi-“
“How about in safety?”, Tang Yi whispers helplessly.
Shao Fei can’t help but huff a laugh. “Unlikely.”
A low groan escapes Tang Yi’s throat, eyes opening up to glare at Shao Fei. Shao Fei doesn’t blink.
“Stuff you want to hear from your-“
“It’s true, Tang Yi.”
Shao Fei's adamant, his voice steady.
Why won't Tang Yi understand? Irritation starts bubbling up inside him. They’ve talked about it so often… And every time it’s the same. How could he be this blind? So delusional to believe Shao Fei could just… step back. And watch him sacrificing himself.
“But what if I don’t want it to be true?” Tang Yi shouts. This time the outburst does take him by surprise. He simply stares as Tang Yi rants on.
“What if I don’t want to see you throw yourself into the line of fire just to make sure the bullet doesn’t graze me? What if, for once, I was content you would be somewhere far away. Somewhere safe. Somewhere where you wouldn’t end up with cuts all over yourself and a badly bruised arm! What if-“
“Oh, for fucks sake!”
Shao Fei leans forward, capturing Tang Yi’s lips to silence him. He can feel Tang Yi go still underneath his touch, can feel the closely followed shudder running through him, before he raises his hands, burying them into the staples of Shao Fei’s shirt. Shao Fei deepens the kiss. Exploring Tang Yi’s mouth, pressing himself against him.
It’s more of a ‘I’m here. I’m okay. I’m fine. See?’ thing than anything else.
Because Shao Fei knows how it feels when you’ve got to watch the person dearest to you, jump into the line of fire. He’s been there before, too. For Tang Yi isn’t exactly innocent in that area, either. But tends to forget that detail whenver it's Shao Fei getting hurt.
Eventually he releases Tang Yi from the kiss, leaning back slowly. As he opens his eyes, he can see Tang Yi so clearly. His face so open and bare. The worry so visible on his features. The agony, the pain.
“Tang Yi”, Shao Fei’s voice is a little raspy as he speaks, thick with emotions. “Tang Yi. I’m sorry, I’ve scared you. I’m sorry, I’ve made you worry.”
Tang Yi’s eyes open up slowly, two pain filled eyes staring back at him. Shao Fei takes a deep breath, letting his thumb run over Tang Yi’s cheekbone, a small sad smile on his own face. The light from above reflects the golden shine form the wedding band on his hand; remembers the matching gold on Tang Yi’s.
Warmth settles in. Closely followed by determination.
“I’m sorry about all that”, he says again. “But I won’t say I’m sorry for wanting to protect you. Because I’m not. I really am not.”
He takes another deep breath and continues.
“Back when I graduated police academy, I made a vow to protect the innocent. Then after four years of dancing around each other, I someday came to you to offer you my protection as well. That was the first time I vowed to you.” Shao Fei does his best to keep his voice steady. Hoping, Tang Yi would understand.
“Then we really found each other, and I made another vow; to protect my boyfriend no matter the cost.” Tang Yi’s hands, still gripping onto him, tighten closer around Shao Fei’s shirt. Realization glints up in his eyes.
“And then again, when I made this promise to you”, Shao Fei reaches out for Tang Yi’s right hand, where it lays over his own heart and lets his thumb run over the wedding band, “when I vowed to you – officially – to be by your side in good times as in bad times. I meant it.”
He sighs. “I can’t stay away from danger, if you throw yourself into it so blindly all the time. I just don’t have it in me.”
For the first time since coming home, a smile appears on Tang Yi’s face – it’s small and a sad around the edges, but still. It’s enough for Shao Fei for now.
“Do you understand that?”
Instead of an answer Tang Yi leans in, pressing his lips against his.
“I wonder”, Tang Yi whispers against Shao Fei’s lips, as he leans his forehead against his, smile still playing around his mouth.
“Would I still have married you, if I had known you would always use it to have an unfair advantage in arguments?”
“Pah!” Shao Fei laughs with pretended offense, pulling Tang Yi in for another kiss.
They would be okay, he knows that for sure.
But still, healing takes time.