Work Text:
Dear Taehyung
I know we haven’t always seen eye to eye. In fact, I’m sure you thought I hated you at the beginning, five years ago.
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Five years ago, Taehyung recoiled at the sound of Yoongi’s complaints. His demeanour was distant, and Taehyung didn’t know how to reach him. He did feel sorry for staining Yoongi’s shirt with red paint, but he couldn’t understand why the other never wanted to sit with him just a bit longer. Even when there was nothing to fight about, Yoongi kept escaping his grasp and while Taehyung doubted he hated him, it made him feel unsure and hesitant. He managed to reach the others, managed to get along with most of them but spending time with Yoongi felt like running against a brick-wall repeatedly. Namjoon assured him that Yoongi just needed time to warm up, that he had difficulties connecting with people. But Taehyung concluded something had to be wrong with himself when he watched Jungkook and Yoongi goofing around. He couldn’t understand what he did wrong to drive Yoongi away like that.
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Yes, I push you away sometimes, we fight, argue and sometimes don’t know how to reach each other.
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Jimin knocked on his door, knuckles rapping gently, and Taehyung quickly wiped his eyes. When the door opened, he was met with Jimin’s worried gaze. It was the second time he found Taehyung crying because of a particularly frustrating fight with Yoongi. Nothing serious, in fact quite childish and insignificant, without ugly insults and raging emotions.
But Taehyung was tired of it, and most of all he was disappointed with himself, frustration sending tears down his cheeks. Jimin held him quietly, and Taehyung didn’t need to explain why it affected him so much. He wanted to know Yoongi so dearly, wanted to spend time with him that was more than just small-talk and occasional quarrel. They could be more than that, but every time Taehyung thought he’d gotten a tiny bit closer, Yoongi withdrew again and put distance between them.
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I know these things happen, but a lot of it comes from my need for space, my uncertainty, the clash of our characters, I guess.
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The others liked to joke about how Yoongi and Taehyung were polar opposites. In some way, Taehyung could see what they meant. Yoongi was quiet where he was loud, was sharp where he was soft. But as time passed, Taehyung noticed that they simply missed each other’s energy, always off-beat. They had similar interests and habits, but Taehyung’s need for constant company pushed Yoongi further away. It wasn’t like Yoongi couldn’t be loud and gregarious, or Taehyung closed off and contemplative. But something always kept them from connecting properly, even after years of knowing each other, there was always a peculiar strain between them.
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However, in no way, at any point, have I hated you. On the contrary, spending time with you always seems incredibly special – in those moments I realise that maybe we aren’t so contradicting after all.
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The older they grew, the calmer their arguments got. They rarely fought and Taehyung had stopped thinking too much about it. He had accepted that he didn’t work well with Yoongi, no matter how much he wished for it. They lived in two different worlds and maybe it was meant to be this way. Or so Taehyung thought, until Yoongi invited him to dinner for the first time. Just the two of them, because everyone else had already eaten. Taehyung followed his hyung with surprise, wondering why Yoongi hadn’t taken his dinner alone as he usually did.
Surprisingly, the evening felt natural and not forced at all. Conversation flowed easily enough, and the occasional silence was comfortable. All the while, Taehyung watched him secretly wondering how this had all come about. Blushed whenever Yoongi smiled at something he said or tilted his head with interest. And when he paid for dinner, Taehyung ducked his head and stared at the floor, hoping Yoongi wouldn’t catch his eyes. Never before had he felt so close to him.
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I just want you to know, that I’ve always thought you were a special, unique and loveable person, and my opinion hasn’t changed, but only manifested even more.
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From that evening on, there was something like friendship between them. Yoongi took Taehyung by surprise every time he kept him company. Whether it was over a glass of wine or on a short walk around the park, they slowly grew used to each other’s presence. And Taehyung wondered every moment why Yoongi sought him out all of a sudden. Maybe it was because he was growing calmer and older, maybe because they had interests they could share. Maybe Yoongi had noticed how sad Taehyung had been before and took pity on him. Whatever it was, everything about Yoongi unsettled him like a mosaic of colours he had never known existed. He just kept admiring it.
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Even when you can be an insufferable brat sometimes, what we have makes up for it no matter how complicated.
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Every time Yoongi snapped at him, something inside Taehyung’s chest broke. So, he snapped back, a hot wave washing over him while he stared at Yoongi. He couldn’t understand why he was so drawn to someone that was so infuriating, that he seemed to boil over with emotion. At night Taehyung lay awake and wondered if he ever wanted to speak to Yoongi again or just kiss him so he would shut up. This way, they didn’t have to throw meaningless words at each other anymore and he could just calm the fire caught inside his ribcage. Slamming doors and rolling eyes never truly relieved the tension and frustration.
Taehyung began to doubt the fights caused the chaos inside of him, since they had grown calmer over the years. And yet he was still so angry and didn’t know where to aim it. When they made up again through simple offers of eating dinner together, he wondered if all the stubbornness had been worth it.
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By now you must be wondering why I’m texting you this, it’s just been on my mind for some time and I wanted you to know. That I don’t hate you.
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Everyone assured him that Yoongi didn’t hate him and Taehyung believed them. He understood that Yoongi didn’t hate him, but also doubted he truly liked him either. They were on friendly terms and knew how to spend time by now, but something still felt off. And Taehyung couldn’t figure it out, couldn’t figure out what was missing that could convince him of Yoongi’s affection.
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That I want to spend more time with you and get to know all your thoughts. Go travelling together. We did have fun that one time, right? What about Italy, next time?
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Maybe leaving home pushed them in the right direction. Wandering the streets together and explore the unknown, it kept them busy with the world around them. They worked easily as a duo and Taehyung thought it special, he could share so many new memories with Yoongi. Something about travelling brought them together without having to put effort into it. Adjusting routines, catching each other’s habits – all of that happened naturally. Yoongi smiled so freely under the setting foreign sun, and Taehyung wasn’t scared of speaking his mind about the things they saw. He wished those days would never end.
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How can I say that I don’t hate you when I push you away so often? After the distance I’ve put between us, can you believe me when I say you mean so much to me? How can I make you believe my words, that I do love you and probably have right from the start?
I love you.
Your ridiculous hyung,
yoongi
Taehyung lowered his phone, heart pounding into his throat. He hadn’t noticed the tears streaming down his face, hot and burning against his skin. Quickly he wiped them with the back of his hand, the letters blurring in his vision. He had difficulties grasping the meaning of what Yoongi had messaged him.
An hour later, he knocked on Yoongi’s door. Despite the late hour, they were both sleepless as so often.
“Do you want to get food?” Taehyung asked, not entirely meeting his hyung’s eyes.
Yoongi was quiet for a second before nodding silently, grabbing his jacket.
Together they went out into the buzzing summer night. They walked in silence and sat over their bowls of ramen silently as well. Taehyung kept his eyes on his food and tried to think of everything else but the message. Yoongi sat in front of him, in flesh and blood, so strikingly real Taehyung was almost scared to truly grasp his presence. Because the words on his phone screen had been abstract words, but Yoongi’s fingers had written them. Written them from his mind into his phone and pushed the button so Taehyung could receive them. Taehyung wasn’t sure whether Yoongi had noticed how red his eyes were, but if he did, he didn’t comment on it.
“What made you send me the message?” Taehyung finally asked, when his bowl was half empty and he felt confident enough his voice wouldn’t fail him.
“Hmm, couldn’t sleep.” Yoongi answered shortly, not looking at him. His fingers were busy with poking his chopsticks into noodles. As if searching for something specific. “I send one to Jungkook as well.”
“Oh.”
That’s all Taehyung could answer to that. And he lowered his head quickly, feeling stupid for having even asked. For thinking he was somewhat special in Yoongi’s life.
On the way back, they took a detour to the small park nearby. The warm summer air wrapped around them like a heavy coat and Taehyung smelled a hint of rain, but he didn’t mention it to Yoongi. The sky above was dark as ever, no single star to be seen, only clouds reflecting the eerie city-lights.
It started raining when they passed the small pond. Silently, Yoongi grasped his sleeve and pulled him toward the pavilion under lonely trees. Taehyung followed, ignoring the rolling thunder above that could’ve well escaped his chest.
The rain splattered down heavily like a black veil, spreading a sweet scent of heated asphalt and sun-burnt plants. It dripped off the roof of the pavilion in a constant flow and Taehyung watched, trying to catch the occasional reflections of light in water. Yoongi shuffled beside him, hands in his pockets. Calm and unreadable as ever.
“What you wrote to Junkook-“ Taehyung started, not turning his eyes from the rain. “What you wrote to him, was it the same as mine?”
It wasn’t silent between them, the rain swallowed all the noise, roaring in its own might. Taehyung was glad for it, so he could be sure Yoongi couldn’t hear his heart beating and breath faltering.
“Not exactly.” Yoongi answered. “I didn’t copy and paste if you think that.”
Taehyung caught a hint of humour in his hyung’s voice and let out a breathy laugh.
“Okay, was just wondering.”
He wanted to ask more. Wanted to ask if Yoongi had told Jungkook he loved him as well, and if Jimin had heard it too. Hoseok was a hyung that spread his love constantly, but Yoongi had never been this way. Taehyung was curious to know what had brought the sudden change to express his affections.
“You’re a sweet hyung after all, I always knew it. I hope you know I love you too.” Taehyung said jokingly, forcing his voice to sound as carefree as the rain spilling around them.
A short glance to the side proved that Yoongi had been watching the rain as well, turned away from him. His eyes shone like black pearls in the darkness and Taehyung regretted every word he had said in the past hour.
“Actually, this part might be different to the others.” Yoongi said quietly and now he finally looked at Taehyung. “Do you want to know about it?”
Taehyung frowned.
“I don’t know what you mean.”
Yoongi’s eyes were deep and thoughtful, even when darkness engulfed most of his features. It took three steps for him to reach Taehyung, and one hand to pull him closer. The rain a constant rush in their ears and Taehyung was pulled along by the night and the man before him.
Their lips touched, hesitant at first. Growing more daring just like a thunderstorm after the first few raindrops.
When Yoongi pulled away, it took a while for Taehyung to register what had happened. The spot where Yoongi’s palm had pressed against his neck tingled and his mind felt woozy. It seemed ludicrous to try and form coherent words when every single one of them failed what he wanted to say. So, he just reached out again, slowly and hesitantly, waiting for Yoongi to pull away. But he welcomed him instead, with another kiss.
Now Taehyung finally understood how he was different from the others. Maybe he couldn’t fathom why, couldn’t fathom why someone like Yoongi could want him in such a way, but he realised it now.
Kissing Yoongi on a rainy summer night and being kissed back, that’s all it needed right now.