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For one brief second on the battlefield Steve felt nothing but pure relief as Thanos’ army faded to dust around him. They’d won. And then he’d turned around and seen how they’d won, and he felt like the world had been titled on its axis. Because of course Tony Stark had sacrificed himself to save the world, of course, that’s just who he is. Steve has never been more wrong about anyone than his first impression of the other man. Because Tony is exactly the type of man to make the sacrifice play. To make the hard decision that never occurred to any of the other Avengers who held the gauntlet during the fight. Tony Stark is a goddamn hero and he saved the world. If only the cost hadn’t been so high.
Steve thought he had gotten used to losing people. After everything he’s been through, he really should be used to this feeling. This aching in his heart. But there’s something about watching a hologram of Tony Stark telling his little girl that he loves her that hurts somewhere deep within Steve. He can’t help but think of how unfair this is. Looking at all the people in this room who loved Tony, really loved him, Pepper, Rhodey, Happy, and god the kids he’s leaving behind, Morgan, Peter, Harley. Tony had so many people who loved him. Steve loved him, not that he ever told him.
Steve can’t help but dwell on the fact that he’s wasted so much time. It took them years to reconcile after the events of the goddamn Civil War and then they only had a precious few moments together again. But god did Steve treasure them, bantering on the mission, the easy flirting, he didn’t think he’d fully realised just how much he’d missed Tony. Too late again. Steve thought he’d learned his lesson with Peggy about waiting but it appears he’s doomed to make the same mistakes again and again.
Steve thought that the joy at having everyone back might help to soothe the ache he’s feeling. He has Bucky and Sam back. His best friends. And don’t get him wrong he’s happy they’re back, but every time he looks at them, he sees what it cost to bring them back. Nat. Tony. Whatever it takes. God how Steve wants to travel back in time and punch himself in the face. Whatever it takes. How stupid he had been. He needed to rally the others. Make sure they were ready to make the hard decision. But he realises now he never thought it would come to this. He was sure they’d be able to pull it off without any casualties. Idealistic, Tony would call him. Naive, Natasha would say. God Steve misses them so much.
So, when after the funeral Bruce talks about the need to return the stones to their original timelines, Steve volunteers himself immediately. This is just what he needs, a mission, a distraction, a purpose. He doesn’t initially plan to stay in the past, not consciously anyway. But then Bucky, who has always known Steve better than he knows himself, pulls him aside and tells him its okay, he understands. Steve realises that subconsciously he had never been planning on coming back. So, he hugs Bucky tight, and asks him to take care of Sam. Buck just laughs and tells him of course.
After returning all the stones to their original timelines, Steve realises he suddenly has all the time in the world and nowhere he needs to be. Where to, or when to he guesses is the more pressing question? His brain is just screaming Tony at him, his need to see Tony Stark alive is almost overwhelming and he’s finding it difficult to think straight. He needs to pick a time after their first meeting where he knows where both Tony and his past self are. After running through a quick timeline in his head he thinks of a phone call he got from Tony a month after New York, where Tony told him he had a place for all the Avengers in his remodelled tower. Past Steve had turned him down, not wanting to impose, and deciding to stay in the apartment provided to him in DC by SHIELD. His past self was an idiot if Steve does say so himself.
So, he sets the wristwatch to his best approximation of this date and sets the co-ordinates for New York. Actually arriving at the tower again is a bit surreal, even though he had just been here returning the Sceptre but that had been a stealth mission, he had avoided all tower occupants then. This time he’s going to see people, to see Tony. He swallows his nerves and emotions with some difficulty. If he has a meltdown on past Tony, he’s going to think Steve’s a headcase. Him and Tony had not shared more than a couple of polite conversations at this stage. He thinks he should pick a later date, but everything gets so complicated between them he doesn’t think he can pinpoint a good time.
“Captain Rogers, what a surprise. I don’t believe Mr. Stack is expecting you,” calls a voice from above his head as Steve enters the elevator of the tower. Steve startles and then does some quick mental maths as to whether the Steve Rogers of this time has met JARVIS yet and then remembers getting a tour of the entire (ruined) tower the day after the battle.
“Hi JARVIS, yeah I thought I’d surprise Tony with a visit. Check out these rooms he built us all. Is he here?” Steve is very impressed by how steady he keeps his voice, considering the fact that he can hear his heartbeat in his ears and his palms are starting to sweat in anticipation.
“Indeed, Sir is in the penthouse. Shall I inform him you are on your way or do you intend to keep your presence a secret until you get there?” And unless Steve is imagining it there seems to be an undercurrent of suspicion to JARVIS’ voice. God Tony’s creations really were something.
“Let him know I’m on the way up will you please JARVIS?”
“Of course, Captain,” JARVIS replies and the elevator starts ascending.
“Thanks,” Steve mumbles thoughtlessly, his mind already on the man waiting for him in the penthouse. He watches the floor numbers climb and tries not to vomit. The elevator pings as it reaches the penthouse and Steve suddenly feels lightheaded. He’s going to see Tony again. Tony alive and (relatively) happy. God.
“Hey Cap. This is a surprise,” calls a voice from the other side of the elevator and Steve feels his entire body freeze as he gets his first look at Tony Stark since the battle. He’s obviously just come from the workshop; he’s wearing jeans and a ratty band t-shirt. His hair is greasy, and he’s got smudges of oil on his face. He’s never looked more perfect to Steve. He’s alive and breathing and Steve abruptly feels his breath leave him, a wave of grief so strong hitting him it takes everything he has not to break down and cry right then and there.
“Jeez I know I don’t look my best right now, but you try building a suit of armour and looking prefect. Engineering is messy work it involves getting your hands dirty and –“ Steve cuts off Tony’s rambling by launching himself at Tony and pulling the smaller man into his arms for a tight, desperate hug. Steve listens to the hum of the arc reactor and buries his face in Tony’s hair in a possibly futile attempt to hide his tears. Tony is here, in his arms, alive, this is much harder than Steve thought it would be.
“Eh Cap, not that I’m not happy to see you too but I need to breath here,” Steve belatedly realises that he’s holding Tony way too tight and adjusts his hold to allow the engineer some breathing room but makes no moves to back up. He’s not sure he can let Tony go.
“God Cap you’re shaking. Is everything okay?” Tony asks pulling back from Steve just enough to try to force eye contact. Steve sees the exact moment Tony realises he’s crying as his expression goes from mildly concerned to extremely concerned and his grip around Steve tightens in an attempt at comfort.
“I’m sorry it’s just really good to see you Tony,” Steve manages to get out. Tony if anything looks even more bewildered by this.
“I just talked to you yesterday. You seemed fine and said you were too busy to come to the tower to see the remodel. What the hell happened between then and now?”
And isn’t that a loaded question. So much has happened since then. We saved the world and then we almost destroyed it. We saved each other’s lives and then almost tore each other apart. We watched half the universe disappear and then brought them back. I watched you die, Steve wants to answer, and then I realised I loved you.
“I can’t lose you,” is what Steve says instead, even though he already has. This apparently does nothing to soothe Tony as he just raises his eyebrows and actually appears stumped for words. Steve guesses this makes sense. The Steve that Tony knows is so far removed from the man he is today that this must seem extremely out of character. Steve can feel himself losing control of the situation and realises he needs a plausible reason for crying his heart out to Tony if he wants to avoid awkward questions that he can’t answer. He decides to go with some semblance of the truth.
“Sorry, I had a nightmare, about the battle. I watched you fly the nuke into the wormhole, and you didn’t come back. I wanted to come and see you to make sure you were okay, but I guess it affected me more than I though it would,” Steve had actually had this exact nightmare many times after New York. Not that he ever told Tony about it. There was so much he never told him that he should have. He’s telling him now but it’s to cover a lie and anyway it’s definitely too little too late.
“Oh, I didn’t know you cared,” Tony says in a small voice and ducks his head to avoid looking at Steve. He says it flippantly, like it’s a joke, but Steve knows it’s the truth. That Tony really didn’t think he cared. God if only he knew; how much Steve cares about him now or even how much he cared about him then. Steve never admitted it, but he’s always cared about Tony, a lot more than he ever let on.
“Hey,” Steve lifts Tony chin up to force him to make eye contact, “Of course I care about you. If you – If I were to lose you – I – I don’t know what I would do,” Its too much. Too honest for the Steve Tony knows in this time, but it’s true and Steve needs Tony to know how much he cares. Tony’s breath catches and some unknown emotion floods his eyes. Steve is struck again by just how beautiful he is. They’re still holding each other and standing so close. The emotional nature of the words turns this into an insanely intimate moment, at a level that Steve never reached with his Tony, but this Tony shows no signs of backing away.
“God Steve, you can’t just say things like that,” Tony sounds wrecked in the best way, and Steve feels a smile spread across his face. Possibly his first genuine smile since that day.
“Oh yeah and are you gonna stop me?” Steve challenges. And this is familiar, comfortable, banter bordering on flirting. Him and Tony at their best state of being.
“Maybe I will,” Tony responds stepping impossibly closer to Steve. He swallows liberally and Steve follows the movement of his throat hungrily. His own throat suddenly feels very dry. He licks his lips and watches Tony follow the movement, his eyes darkening minutely. Steve feels dizzy with want. Steve wants so bad, but he knows its selfish. This isn’t his Tony. This Tony has a Steve of his own, who would be very confused if Tony were to mention this moment to him. But this is possibly Steve’s last chance, and Steve’s learned his lesson about waiting until it's too late. He steels himself, looks Tony in the eye for any sign that he’s reading this wrong. But all he sees is his own wants reflecting back at him. He braces himself to make a move, but then Tony surprises him by kissing him before he has a chance. Of course, he does, because Tony Stark has never failed to surprise Steve in all the best possible ways.
It takes Steve a moment to get with the programme but when he does, he gives it his all. Pours all the love he has for Tony, all the regrets, all the emotions that have been swirling in his head into the kiss. It’s almost too much. He’s kissing Tony Stark. It’s the best kiss he’s ever had. He feels the tears that had subsided during the bantering return. He squeezes Tony’s hips tight and pulls him close. Tony, because he’s Tony, deepens the kiss and it turns wetter and dirtier and Steve’s brain finally shuts off enough for him to just enjoy this moment.
Things quickly turn frantic and Steve feels Tony’s hands everywhere, wandering all over his body. While his own hands have found resting places; one buried deep in Tony’s hair and the other on his ass pulling the smaller man’s hips toward him. The evidence of how this is affecting both of them is obvious.
Tony eventually pulls back and a noise that could constitute a whine escapes Steve’s mouth. In any other circumstances Steve thinks he’d be embarrassed but he is so far past the point of caring right now. His only concern is getting his lips back on Tony as soon as possible. So he moves his attention to devouring Tony’s neck while allowing the other man to catch his breath.
“Jesus,” Tony breaths, “Maybe we should think about moving this to the bedroom?” Steve only now realises that they’re still in the hallway outside the elevator. He barely made it two steps before having a breakdown.
Tony seems to take his moment of contemplation as a rejection because he quickly starts rambling.
“I mean only if you want to. We don’t have to. I’m cool with just making out. Or not making out. Whatever you want really – “Steve cuts him off with a kiss both to stop the rambling and to get his own thoughts in order.
He knows he shouldn’t take Tony to bed. No matter how much he wants him to be this isn’t his Tony Stark. This Tony barely knows him. He isn't the man Steve fell in love with yet, at least not yet anyway. Furthermore, he knows he can’t stay. But he thinks he’d rather have one night with this Tony than spend the rest of his life wondering. One night where he gets to be completely selfish. One night where he gets everything he didn’t realise he wanted until it was too late. One night with Tony Stark. It was never really a question.
“Tony, take me to bed.”