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“I miss you .” It’s all a tired, teary-eyed Kim Namjoon can think to say. “ I miss you everyday. ”
The words are quiet, barely a whisper as he traces the marble before him. The once-bustling Han River was silent, the air heavy with grief as a few dozen people walk idly about. All there for the same reason. All there to try and come to terms, to mourn, even after four years.
In the distance, an empty Kim Tower stands tall. The lights are off on the Kim sign, and not for the first time since the snap, Namjoon wonders how something so bright could fizzle out so fast. How the Avengers not only let the world down, but themselves . How Seokjin was so far away now, almost a stranger in the way he detached himself from everyone but Yoongi.
A petal falls onto his nose, snapping him out of the trance he had found himself in. It’s spring , Namjoon realises. The days had blended and dragged on for so long that he hadn’t even realized. Spring was beginning, even with the barest chill that reaches him through his baggy sweater.
Another spring without Jeongguk.
Warm eyes snap back up to the memorial stone before him. It’s one of many now planted by the river; a tall, permanent reminder of those vanished. A reminder of all loved ones lost, of all heroes lost, of all society’s lost.
With a shaky finger, Namjoon traces Jeon Jeongguk where it’s engraved in the stone. He’s done it countless times-- could close his eyes and trace the same font, same name in the air over and over seamlessly. Sees it in his nightmares, sees it until he’s crying himself awake and then crying himself asleep again all in the same breath, because this isn’t a nightmare. This is reality .
Jeongguk’s gone. Forever .
A stray tear spills over. He fiddles with the ring on his necklace, and tries to ignore how hollow it feels when the person you loved most, your person, your love , your soulmate , is gone. How empty the words I love you can be when the one person you were destined to spend forever with, dies. When you die inside.
“Mommy, I wish Spiderman was here. Do you really think he could have saved us--” A little boy’s talking, in the distance. The mention of Jeongguk’s other self makes Namjoon’s breath hitch, and suddenly he’s suffocating. It never ends-- mourning Jeongguk is not only his eternity, but the public will always long for their beloved hero. For Spiderman, for the Avengers to reappear, for them to make it all better and bring everybody back.
He wishes he could snap his fingers and make it right once more.
Namjoon sniffles, shoves his earbuds in a little deeper, turns his music up a little higher, and walks away from the memorial stone.
. . .
To say Namjoon was in love with Jeongguk at first sight would be a bit of an understatement. To say that he was obvious about his affection for the web-shooting hero was an even greater one.
“ Please , stop crushing on the spidey-kid and just go kiss him already, fucking hell, Namjoon-hyung--” Hoseok’s whining for what seems to be the eightieth time in the past hour; a constant loop since the spider-themed hero began to frequent Kim Tower (more of the Avengers Tower now, but Seokjin gave them their own facility regardless) a little over three weeks ago.
Namjoon’s cheeks are aflame, sputtering indignantly as he swivels his chair back to face his desk. So what if he’s been crushing on Jeongguk? It’s nothing more than a crush, and it’ll fade away in time. The first few meetings were a little fumbly and flirty, albeit awkward, and he couldn’t help it when his stomach erupted in a flurry of butterflies around the younger.
“Hyungs! Look at my new suit, look, it’s so fucking rad --” Jeongguk rushes in, dark hair windswept and cheeks flushed and oh . Namjoon wants to kiss, and run his fingers through his hair, and be the reason behind that giddy smile every single day, and--
“Namjoonie-hyung, how do I look?” God , his voice is so soft and his eyes might as well have been ripped right out of a still from Bambi . Namjoon’s heart speeds up, and it takes all his willpower to not sputter like a complete, love-struck fool.
“Like-- like the most handsome spider-hero ever,” comes Namjoon's flustered reply.
Jeongguk’s smile widens impossibly. The butterflies begin to swarm again. It’s totally not just a silly crush and Namjoon’s so royally fucked.
. . .
The clock reads 05:00a.m. , as silk sheets rustle softly, long fingertips clenching and unclenching the fabric between them. Rain snaps endlessly against the windowpane, clouds as heavy as the broken heart of the man in the bed.
Namjoon can't sleep.
Thunder rumbles in the distance, and it reminds him of Jeongguk. Just like everything in their room does.
He remembers Jeongguk, all beautiful golden skin and hard muscle, curled up in the silk sheets with him every night. Remembers how Jeongguk slammed his hand down on the snooze button so violently sometimes that they had to buy another clock. Remembers Jeongguk, so heroic and brave, whimpering over thunder and clutching Namjoon so tightly it left bruises. Remembers Jeongguk blushing at his teasing, the soft “Spiderman’s afraid of thunderstorms? Oh, so Spiderman’s a baby--” to which Jeongguk whined, “Hyung, I'm not a baby!” even though he was always Namjoon’s baby. Remembers holding Jeongguk until the boy calmed himself, peppering sweet kisses along the boy’s neck to distract and soothe. Remembers Jeongguk’s sweet voice as his lullaby, trying to sing away the panic.
He just remembers.
Namjoon fishes out the earbuds in the drawer beside him. He doesn't think he wants to remember anymore.
. . .
“Hyung, hyung, please just--” Jeongguk’s voice is weak, sore hands trembling as they reach out in an attempt to hold Namjoon’s. He’s frigid, running too cold from the blood loss, and it makes something in Namjoon’s chest squeeze too tight.
“Please just what ? Watch as you throw yourself into mortal danger when we said it was all covered? For fuck’s sake, Kook, you almost died !” Namjoon’s shaking, now, and Jeongguk tries to intercept weakly but Namjoon shuts him down again. “What am I supposed to do without you? How do you expect me to sleep at night knowing my- that you’re-” Squeezing his eyes shut, Namjoon tires to remove the image of a dead Jeongguk from his mind. He’d been so close, too stupidly heroic to stop running into the line of fire to save others even when it could cost him his life. He wishes that Jeongguk was more selfish, even if his selflessness is one of the things he fell in love with.
“I’m here , hyung. I’m alive--”
“Just barely . It's a miracle you're here with me now. Please, Kook,” a shaky breath, and plush lips bring themselves to press against the younger’s hand. “Be careful. You just finished college. I don't want to bury you at twenty-two, I love you too much to--”
“You love me?”
A beat of silence passes. Jeongguk’s voice had barely been above a whisper, tentative and full of emotion. And for the first time since they sat down, Namjoon looks up to meet his gaze, only to see Jeongguk’s soft cheeks streaking with tears.
“Yeah. I do. More than anything , I do.” The confession is shaky, voice cracking but it's been over two years of falling, falling, falling for Jeongguk and Namjoon is tired . So tired of not being able to tell him that every single day.
It's silent, for a while. Jeongguk struggles to sit up, torn up spider-suit crusted with dried blood, ribs aching from the effort. But when he does, he wastes no time in invading Namjoon’s space, foreheads pressed together and warm breaths mixing. When Jeongguk speaks, a tear rolls down his cheek. Namjoon reaches up and thumbs it away, eyes tearing up at the fear of rejection.
“I love you more than anything, too.”
And finally, after what feels like an eternity of waiting, their lips meet. It's soft, and chapped, and Jeongguk hisses a little when Namjoon presses against the cut on his lip. He tries to pull away, but Jeongguk tugs him in deeper, stealing all the air from his lungs.
Namjoon would happily be breathless forever if he got to kiss Jeongguk for the rest of his life.
. . .
Seldom are the days where a visitor knocks on the door of Namjoon’s loft. And yet, for some ungodly reason, it’s 8a.m. on a Saturday morning and a loud knocking starts up. After a moment, it’s knocking and the doorbell ringing.
Begrudgingly, bare feet pad across the wood floor toward the door. Namjoon runs a hand through his bedhead, reaching to simply tug open the door, to see--
Well, not a pair of faces he’d ever thought he’d see at his doorstep.
It’s Seokjin, and a little girl. It doesn’t take a genius to put the equation together, but it still startles Namjoon when the bright ball of sunshine hurls himself at him, yelling “Namjoonie oppa!”
“Hyunjin! I told you to wait, shit--” Seokjin’s exasperated, peeling the little ball of pink and sparkles off of Namjoon’s legs.
“Shit!” Hyunjin repeats, much to Seokjin’s mortification.
“No, no shit--”
“Shit, shit, shit-- Appa! Shit!” Hyunjin’s singing, now, and Namjoon breaks into his first genuine smile in what seems like years. So this is the little rascal Yoongi would tell him about from time to time. He’d only seen her in baby pictures, but it seemed like Yoongi did actually raise her to know him through home videos, as he claimed. Namjoon would have visited, but the perpetual thundercloud that seemed to follow him and sour his moods would have only saddened the little tike.
“Stop it! Your daddy will kill me if he hears you saying that--”
“Appa, ice cream can fix this! Right ?” Blinking her big eyes dramatically, Hyunjin tugs at something deep within Namjoon’s chest. Jeongguk used to flash puppy eyes at him all the time. The little spark of happiness she ignited seemed to fizzle out just a bit, at that.
“You little con artist.” Narrowing his eyes, Seokjin feigns anger as Hyunjin simply giggles into her father’s neck. “Fine. Ice cream later. Namjoon time now, hm?”
Nodding excitedly, Hyunjin makes grabby hands at Namjoon until he’s reluctantly coached by Seokjin on how to hold her properly. It doesn’t take much effort, and she’s barely four, so it’s not too heavy a load.
“Namjoonie oppa, look at my favorite toy! He’s my favorite superhero, look-y, look!” Her half-toothless grin blinds him, and Namjoon’s prepared to play along, until he sees the beat up Spiderman figure in her chubby hands. “Appa says that Spiderman was the bestest of all time. Even better than him !”
Seokjin looks guilty, as Namjoon catches his gaze. But Namjoon simply takes in a shaky breath, plasters on a fake smile, and tries to school his voice into a tone that wasn’t trembling from tears. “He was. Spiderman was the bestest, Hyunjin. Do you want to see some old footage?”
After that , it was easy to appease the girl. Let her run around the apartment, watching and imitating the Spiderman CCTV footage, yelling “Let’s get it!” all while Namjoon ignored the soft sounds from the television. He never watched those videos anymore, never allowed himself to watch Jeongguk in action for longer than a few seconds out of fear of breaking down.
“He wouldn’t want this, you know.” Seokjin’s voice breaks through their tense silence. “He’d want you out there. Living your life. Trying to help people.”
“I am. I’m alive, aren’t I? And I’m still working a little as a support group leader, you know that--”
“And you know, that’s not what I’m talking about. When Jeongguk died in my arms--” Seokjin’s voice cracks, and Namjoon can’t take it. Can’t take hearing that, can’t take the conversation.
“Don’t you fucking dare--”
“When Jeongguk fucking died in my arms, he told me he was sorry . That he let me down and that he- he wanted me to tell you he’d love you more than anything. Always .” Seokjin’s trembling, hand reaching out to squeeze at Namjoon’s thigh and Namjoon whimpers. “He was like my kid . I knew him. Please, Namjoon, he loved you so much he’d have given anything to see you happy. He wouldn’t want to be your destruction. He’d want you to remember him and love him, but not at the expense of your own life. Please .”
And Namjoon’s crying, and sobbing, and he doesn’t remember when Seokjin started holding him but all he remembers is feeling like he’s gasping for air and that Jeongguk was his air and all the sudden it’s gone, he’s gone and he was afraid he’d never breathe again.
But he had to. For him.
. . .
“Hyung! Hyung, babe, don’t look--” Jeongguk’s giggling, voice breathless as he tugs an exasperated Namjoon into the elevator, fiddling excitedly with the buttons as one hand still blocks the elder’s vision.
“Baby, I can’t look. Your sweaty hands are covering my eyes--” Namjoon snickers, weight shifting as the elevator raises them up. He leans against the younger, Jeongguk easily taking the extra weight even if Namjoon was taller.
It feels like forever, but when the elevator finally stops, the first thing Namjoon notices is the sound of lo-fi music. Soft, melodic beats, much like the ones he’s accustomed to make in his free time recently. Next, the smell of noodles and something a little too sweet, a little too floral.
“Okay, okay. Now look.” Jeongguk takes his hand off of Namjoon’s eyes, and the sight takes his breath away.
The rooftop to Kim Tower had been decorated with candles, and flowers-- so many flowers. It looked like a scene straight out of a romantic film; candlelit picnic on a rooftop, view of Seoul nothing short of breathtaking, iPhone tapped into a speaker and setting the dreamy mood. The perfect setting for their first official date (though Namjoon had argued they’d been on many dates before, but Jeongguk wanted it to be official , even after a month of dating).
“Do you like it? I, uhm--” The younger’s voice is stuttering, and Namjoon’s dazed look settles on him. “I made japchae, and for dessert I got us some patbingsu. And I-- Hyung, I’m not as talented as you, but I tried my hand at beat-making. Made us some simple songs… Named them after you.”
Namjoon doesn’t know when his vision blurred with tears, but when he kisses Jeongguk fast and hard, a tears smudges onto the other’s cheek. “I love it. So much, baby. It’s perfect. You’re perfect.” Another kiss, this time sweeter, longer. Trying desperately to convey just how utterly gone he is for Jeongguk, and Jeongguk responds in turn.
As they stand and kiss, illuminated by candlelight under the night sky, Namjoon knows he wants to be with him forever.
. . .
Support groups, Namjoon thinks, aren’t as full of bullshit as he’d thought. It’s necessary, sometimes, to spill it all out and let people relate to your vulnerability. To allow yourself to be sad, to allow yourself the possibility of moving on .
Moving on was not something Namjoon thought he would ever be able to do. Let alone from losing the love of his life. And he won’t forget Jeongguk, no. He never could forget his one true love, his other half. Nothing in the world could ever compare, nobody could ever steal his heart once more.
But as he spares one last glance at the engagement ring in his hands, what was supposed to be Jeongguk’s ring, he bites back a watery smile. It no longer hung on a necklace around his neck-- it took its place in the box, now, and Namjoon tries to ignore how hard it stings that it never on took its rightful place on Jeongguk’s finger. Instead, he closes the velvet box, stores it in the bedside dresser, and doesn’t let a tear fall.
Jeongguk would have loved it. Jeongguk would have loved him moving on to find some sense of happiness, too.
That thought comforts Namjoon, as he dons his jacket and goes to meet Jimin, Hoseok, and Taehyung for dinner after their support group meeting, for the first time in three years. Being in such a public space, not to mourn, or out of necessity, but out of want to be around the people he considers to be his family. People Jeongguk considered his family, too.
It’s time he tries to start living again. And not just for Jeongguk. For himself , too.
. . .
Being late was unfortunately a nasty, unintentional habit Jeongguk had picked up, and it irritated Namjoon to no end. He understood, he had to, that sometimes an old lady needs help, hyung! or if Spiderman doesn’t stop street thugs as well, is he even a friendly neighborhood Spiderman? He gets it. And he loves that part of Jeongguk, the undying need to help and help and help , to care so much and give so much that he’s nothing but a pile of goo when he slips in between the sheets next to him late at night.
But when it’s their anniversary , their two year anniversary, to be specific, well . Namjoon’s more than a little annoyed when the suited hero comes swinging in from the open bedroom window, their reservations to the restaurant long past expired (and the opportunity to possibly propose, gone-- the ring safely tucked away in its box under the bed). Immediately, the younger rips off his mask, fluffy hair a mess and big doe eyes filled with unspoken apologies that would begin in 3, 2--
“Babe, hyungie, I’m sorry--” Jeongguk comes closer, hand coming up to slam onto his chest and deactivate the suit, the fabric slipping off of him and leaving him in nothing but his boxers. He quickly fumbles around, using a web or two to yank his pre-planned outfit toward him, hurriedly shoving his legs into the pants. “I’m so sorry, babe, I got caught up and there was this huge hostage situation downtown and--”
“And our second anniversary had to wait for the greater good. It’s fine, Jeongguk.” It’s most definitely not totally fine, but Namjoon’s tired, and just wants to curl up and spend time with Jeongguk before the younger passes out into a deep sleep.
Jeongguk whines at the use of his full name, pausing his dressing to finally take a good look at Namjoon, who was curled under a blanket, in a pair of Ryan pajamas. “ No , it’s not! You called me Jeongguk , you-- I’m never just Jeongguk! I’m baby !” If it wasn’t for the irritation simmering under his skin, Namjoon would break at the pout plastered on the younger’s pink lips. But he won’t. “ Hyungie , I’m sorry. I love you. I’m so sorry. You’re already in your pajamas-- you look so cute , fuck, I’m--”
Okay, maybe Namjoon is breaking a little bit, if the way his cheeks turned rosy at the off-hand compliment was any indicator.
“ Baby ,” Namjoon relents, arms opening for Jeongguk as the younger kicks off the jeans he’d half-shimmied into, and simply climbs onto him. He’s warm, and a little sweaty, but Namjoon simply lets Jeongguk curl up into his lap, face tucking into the older’s neck and a contented sound leaving him. “I love you, too. And I’m only a little upset… I just wanted to spend this day with you. But I know you have to do your spider-stuff, and save the day. I know you love doing that, and that’s one of the reasons I fell in love with you in the first place.”
It’s quiet for a while, neither of them moving, just laying in each other’s arms. Then, a soft kiss is pressed against Namjoon’s neck. And then another, and another , until Namjoon is giggling and Jeongguk is grinning against his skin and suddenly, the air’s a little lighter.
“Are you really not mad?” Jeongguk’s voice his quiet, still a little hesitant.
“ No , baby boy. Hyung’s not mad at you.” Namjoon’s teasing, now, and Jeongguk pinches at Namjoon’s side for it. “We still have--” a glance at the clock next to their bed, “--two hours left of our anniversary. Happy two years, baby.”
“Happy two years, hyungie.” Jeongguk sighs, looking up at Namjoon. “I love you more than anything. You know that, right?”
“Yeah, baby. I know.” Leaning down, Namjoon presses a soft kiss to his lips. “I love you more than anything, too. Always.”
“Always, hyungie. Not even death will part our love,” it’s said with a dreamy sigh. Namjoon hopes he’ll never have to find that out.
. . .
It takes five and a half years for aliens to come back to Earth. For Thanos to show up, for another snap to change the world.
For Namjoon to see Jeongguk again.
Seokjin’s in the private wing of a nearby hospital, rushed over after defeating Thanos with a snap of his own-- barely stable, but still fighting as Yoongi held Hyunjin in his arms, rocking his daughter softly to calm her. It was stressful, but the odds were in their favor. That’s why Namjoon had agreed to keep things running, keep Seoul safe while Seokjin tried to do a “top secret” mission that ended up nearly getting him killed. But Namjoon believed in Seokjin, stored all his faith in him to get whatever it was, done.
Despite not having wanted to leave, Yoongi had forced Namjoon out for fresh air. Which led him back to Han River-- back to the cherry blossoms, back to the memorial stones, back to watching others hope for better days.
This time, however, Namjoon had hope, for once.
Though not even in his wildest dreams, or most secret hopes, would Namjoon have believed it when Jeon Jeongguk, in a tattered spidey-suit, sporting a busted lip and bruises, tapped him on the shoulder as he stood staring at the cherry blossom trees.
“How late am I this time, babe?” His voice is soft when Namjoon turns around to face him, pitch cracking in the middle as his hands curl and uncurl by his sides. He looks almost exactly like Namjoon remembers him-- handsome and striking and all together gorgeous , even with the bruises, in his own special way. Looks exactly like the love of his life, like the man he lost so long ago.
It takes barely half a second before Namjoon tries to reach out to touch him but instead falls to the grass in a heap of sobs.
“You-- you’re--” It’s like he can’t breathe, and he can’t even see Jeongguk move through his never-ending stream of tears. He doesn’t even register his movement until he feels strong arms, Jeongguk’s arms, wrapped around him and he desperately latches onto him for dear life. “Please-- please , don’t. Don’t leave me-- Are you real , please be--”
“I’m real , Namjoon-hyung. It’s me,” Jeongguk’s crying, too, and it makes Namjoon break further. “It’s me .”
They stay there, curled up in a heap on the grass, crying in disbelief and sharing soft kisses sporadically, for what feels like hours . In reality, it must be only thirty minutes before Namjoon’s pulling away slightly, eyes red and puffy and meeting Jeongguk’s (it feels so strange, so familiar yet so far away) as he spits out the phrase that’s been haunting him for the past five years without him.
“Marry me.” The look of surprise on Jeongguk’s face spurs Namjoon to ramble on. “I’m serious. I don’t want to waste time, don’t want to-- to not be with you for one more second. Wanna be yours, in every way. Don’t want you to disappear--”
“I won’t, hyung--” Hands grip at his shoulders tighter.
“Still. I don’t even wanna take that chance. Don’t want you to go without me asking,” a sniffle, and a shaky hand strokes at Jeongguk’s cheek. “Jeon Jeongguk, f-friendly neighborhood Spiderman, love of my life,” foreheads pressed together. “Will you marry me, baby?”
“Yes. Yes, fuck--” Jeongguk’s sobbing harder now, pressing a bruising kiss to Namjoon’s lips and holding him impossibly tighter. There’s snot, and blood, and it’s messy, but it’s them . Them together, them happy, them not dead and apart and doomed to never fall in love again. Them with a future ahead of them again.
It’s them, in love with each other more than anything .
“Spring wedding?” Jeongguk murmurs against his lips. Namjoon chokes out a soft laugh before diving in for more.
And under the cherry blossom tree, with a petal falling on them as they kiss, Namjoon can’t think of a better happy ending than this .
Because it’s spring . And there will never be another spring in Kim Namjoon’s life, without Jeon Jeongguk.