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"I'll be fine Sam, really." I told him for what felt
like the thousandth time since Steve gave him
the shield.
"You can hold it if ya want. But ya got to give it back" he said as we walked through central park.
Steve had gone home to be with Peggy. My heart was still slightly bitter. I was happy for him, but damn if I didn't feel left behind.
"Sam. Please." A begged. I just wanted to be alone now. It would only be a matter of time before he'd be needed again. Fury mentioned about me becoming Sam's partner but I just wasn't feeling it.
"Aight man." He finally gave up.
"I really just want to be alone for now." I said as we stopped at a bench. He gave me such a pitied look. I wanted to punch him so bad right now.
"Kay. You know where I'm staying for now until Fury decides to call us up. If ya wanna talk come find me" he said giving me a pat on my right shoulder. He hauled the shield over his back and walked away.
In a way I understood why Steve gave him the shield. I didn't have to live up to the bar that Steve set. It felt freeing in a way of sorts. I flopped down on the bench and let out a heavy sigh. I could go back to Wakanda. Maybe I could get Shuri to keep Fury away from me. She was pretty handy with those quake claws of hers.
Mid afternoon and people were starting to mill about. More people than I remember there used to be way back then. God my heart really hurt. Seeing people with loved ones and moving on from being dusted. But how does someone move on from that? How can they? How can they go on without those that couldn't come back? How did Thor do it?
"May I sit here?" A sweet voice snapped me from my thoughts. I couldn't help but stare.
"Uh…" smooth ace! "I'm sorry?" I asked slightly shocked anyone would talk to me out of nowhere.
"May I sit here?" She said again with a slight smile.
"Sure. Sorry about that" I said scooting over. She sat down and threw bird seed on the ground. The sleeves on her jacket had been rolled up and I could see tattoos and light scarring.
"You're fine." She said watching the birds that came to eat.
I blinked a few times before going back to my own thoughts. I was angry at Steve but I was happy for him. Was that even possible? To be angry and happy for your best friend at the same time? How much trouble would I get in if I punched an old punk? Would I be able to live with myself? Especially now that Natasha was gone. What was she thinking?! I felt my eyes stinging just sitting there thinking about everything. What would happen if I just disappeared again? Who would care? Who would even notice?
"You want to talk about it?" The girl asked. I had forgotten she was there beside me with the birds. I looked over at her. She was still tossing bird seed down to the birds, a few bigger pieces to a few crows that had flown down.
"Not really." I said with a sniffle. "Thank you though"
"You're fine. I'll be here for another hour or so." She said leaning down to one of the crows as it ate from her hand.
Why the hell would she care? She was a stranger. Strangers don't care, especially with someone as messed up as I was. I glanced at the scars that showed slightly under her strange tattoo of a quill and a weird gear. She had eyes that looked like she hadn't slept in days but still managed to smile.
I sat back and watched as she fed the birds for a few moments longer. Feeling my teeth clench and my eyes sting again I somehow managed to keep it together. I had just found Steve and a sense of peace and now Steve was old and I felt as if my walls had been crumbling. The only person who really believed me. Sam had a blind devotion I suppose that's the only reason why he was even remotely civil towards me, though his interactions felt genuine. "I have some tissues if you need them" the girl said looking at me concerned.
I blinked at her and felt the tears fall down my face. Was I really crying? Did I really let it get to me that much. I nodded and she dug in her small bag. She handed me a pack of Kleenex. "Thank you" was all I could croak out. I felt so embarrassed.
"You're welcome. You know, sometimes all a person needs is an ear or a shoulder" she said holding her hand, full of birdseed, to me.
I outstretched my hand and took the birdseed. It felt like feeding the chickens and guineas in Wakanda. "Its nothing, really" I tried to lie. Her eyes seemed to know. Seemed to know the hurt, or at least some of what was going on in my head.
"The birds are always good listeners." She smiled and turned back to the birds. "It was quiet for so long. I never thought I'd hear the birds again. Or even get to feed them. Especially the crows. The crows remember. I lost a few friends after other friends of ours turned to dust….when they came back...well distance can either make you better or make you go crazy."
"I lost a few friends myself." I said. "How do people do it?"
"I'll have to get back you on that" she smiled, it was sad. "Still trying to figure that out. Even before this whole mess."
Realization hit me. Some of the scars under her tattoos. They were older than the fight five years ago. Some of them looked only recently scarred over. "Why?"
"Why what?"
"Why do you care about some strange man you met in a park?"
"....maybe I don't care. Maybe it's just to help my own mind feel better." She started to explain. "It helps to be kind to people. Even ones you don't know."
"Why?"
"You never know what they might be going through. And well, for me, it feels like it's the right thing to do. To lend an ear, or a shoulder to someone who may need it." She explained. "Especially if you've had more than one back turn on you."
I took in a shaky breath. She couldn't be no more than 25 and she spoke like her soul was world weary twice over. The floodgates let loose after she smiled at me once more. I felt a light touch on my back rub circles in the center. I didn't care who saw or who was watching this creepy old man sob to this strange girl.
I felt her pull me into her arms. I clung to her shirt letting out a choked scream as I cried. It felt like hours before I felt myself calm down. She still held me. I felt exhausted, she made sure to keep a hand on me just in case. The touch felt good, reassuring. She pulled the sleeves of her hoodie over her hands and helped wipe my eyes. Seventy plus years, of things being different and still feeling the same no matter what Steve had done. "Better?" She asked softly. I nodded feeling much better. Not great but better enough I could talk.
"Are you still willing to listen?" I asked swallowing a couple more sobs.
"Fire away" she smiled. I told her all that had happened since getting most of my memories back, being released for HYDRA's hold. Steve and everything. How I worried about what happens next or what I should do. She listened, reacted and only spoke when she felt as if she needed to help me along.
I noticed that the sun had begun to set over the tree line of the park. "It's getting late" I said after we sat in companionable silence for a while watching the pigeons waddle back and forth.
"So it is" she laughed. "Maybe we should get going"
"May I walk you home?" I asked out of nowhere. This was New York and the streets were dangerous at night no matter the neighborhood. Also I still remembered my manners from all those years ago.
"If you don't mind? I'm staying at a hotel before heading back to be with family in Florida." She said as we both stood.
"I don't mind in the least." I said smiling for the first time in what felt like a long time.
She said thank you and we walked to her hotel. I walked her to her room. We said our goodnights, we hugged briefly and I made my way out of the hotel into the New York evening. I felt ten times lighter now. I felt I made a new friend in this girl and we never exchanged names. I wanted to see her or at least talk to her again. Maybe Fury had a file on her. He had a file on everyone.
I guess only time would tell. Thank goodness for the kindness of a stranger.