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When Starscream had walked into Airachnid’s lab and told her that he wanted to patch into Windblade’s mind in an attempt to save her life, Bumblebee had felt triumph, hope and overwhelming pride. Now that Starscream was actually lying on the medical slab ready to be patched in however, the main thing Bumblebee was feeling was deep apprehension. Both he and Starscream were certainly no strangers to life threatening acts; over millions of years they’d both brushed up against death millions of times and between the two of them they’d survived all but one encounter. Maybe that was why Bumblebee was so nervous; now that death had actually finally happened to him, the threat of it felt all the more real.
It was funny, not too long ago Starscream’s death would have been a cause for celebration for Bee and his friends. Perhaps that would seem tasteless to outsiders, but few Autobots would deny it. But now, Bee realised, Starscream’s death was one of the prospects he dreaded the most. This was in part due to the fact that Bee’s own wellbeing was now so deeply entwined with Starscream’s existence; if Starscream died he could be left all alone again, with no way to influence the outside world. It could be that his very existence was tied to Starscream, so if Starscream died he would just fade away into nothingness. He was also partially concerned for Cybertron; it was crazy, but he was actually worried about what would happen if someone other than Starscream took charge of the planet. Only a couple of years ago he would have said that anyone would be his first choice if he had to choose between them and Starscream as ruler of Cybertron, but now Bee realised that he trusted the abilities and intentions of many of the alternatives less than he now trusted Starscream. At least he knew what Starscream was capable of and where he stood, and at least he had some ability to influence his decisions.
His trepidation was about more than himself and Cybertron however; he just didn’t want Starscream to die. He cared about him – he really, really cared about him, and when he’d first started to realise how much he cared he didn’t want to admit it to himself. Bumblebee usually had very little difficulty recognising and accepting his own feelings, but the idea of coming to care so deeply for a bot he had hated for so long was difficult for him to process, but there was no denying it now. He wanted Starscream to rescue Windblade, he wanted Starscream to emerge unharmed, he wanted Starscream to be happy, and he wanted to be there by Starscream’s side, so they could be happy together.
Bumblebee wondered what would be worse if Starscream did die – being alone again, but now with the grief of having lost his only companion compounding his crushing solitude, or ceasing to exist along with him. Bee considered whether there were other possibilities; perhaps the capacity to see and hear him would somehow transfer to another bot upon Starscream’s death, or maybe if Starscream died he would join Bumblebee in a spectral state, and they’d be ghosts – or whatever Bee was exactly – together.
Bee felt shame settle in his tanks as he realised that part of him wanted that – as much as he had dreaded the idea of Starscream’s death, the thought that it might result in Starscream truly joining him made some selfish piece of him hope that Starscream did meet his demise on that medical slab. It was greedy he knew, after all Starscream could already see and hear him, so it wasn’t as though he didn’t already provide him with companionship, but Primus, Bee wanted someone he could touch. Not even in an amorous way – simply being able to rest his hand on another bot’s arm and feel the subtle thrum of their frame beneath his fingers would bring him so much joy and relief.
Also, if Starscream joined Bee as whatever it was that he was, he would feel less alone simply in virtue of the fact that he wouldn’t be the only one; he wouldn’t be the only one able to see everything but be unable to be seen, he wouldn’t be the only one able to hear everything but be unable to be heard. He wouldn’t be the only one who could somehow stand upon the ground without being able to truly feel it beneath his feet. He wouldn’t be the only one to no longer need to refuel or recharge, and yet still experience the longing to do so. He would have someone with him who would be able to fully understand the torment of his shadow existence. His shame deepened at the idea that he wanted someone to suffer as he was suffering, but he couldn’t deny his sense of isolation, and how badly he wanted it to end.
There was also the consideration that if Starscream became whatever Bee was, he would no longer be able to be involved in the affairs of the living, and by extension neither would Bee, so they’d have nothing to concern themselves with but each other. Starscream would no longer have to pretend Bee didn’t exist to put on a show of sanity for the bots around him, in fact he would no longer have to worry about what they thought of him in any way ever again. As neither of them would be able to have an impact on the outside world anymore, neither of them would have to worry about it anymore. Bee grew even more ashamed to think that part of him wanted to just stop caring about the greater good of the universe and the people within it, but he couldn’t deny that he was exhausted. He had spent virtually his entire life fighting to do right thing in a war, and then he’d been thrust into a position of leadership that had put him under even more pressure, and part of him just wanted to leave it all behind.
He knew that Starscream felt the same exhaustion and entrapment now that he was in the leadership position that Bee had once struggled in, and Bee couldn’t help but wonder if there was a part of Starscream that wanted to join Bee, just as a part of Bee wanted Starscream to join him. Starscream had made jokes about how fun it would be for him to end up in Bee’s position, but Bee now wondered if those passing remarks were more than just jokes. Maybe one of Starscream’s fantasies was shedding the burdens of life and joining Bee in death, where they only had to care about each other.
Bumblebee gazed at Starscream on the medical slab and tried to think of something to say to him before he was patched in, and settled on saying what he truly felt, “I’m so proud of you for doing this Starscream; it’s truly heroic, and no, don’t argue about how you’re doing this for yourself, I know you, and I know the real reason. I just need you to do one more thing, I need you to promise you’ll survive this. I know promises aren’t your strong suit, but you’re full of surprises these days. Come back to me Starscream.”
Starscream quietly gazed at him for a moment, wearing that expression he had when confronted with earnest emotion he didn’t know how to deal with, before he started to open his mouth as though to respond, but then Airachnid activated the patch without giving him prior warning, and the light from his optics started to fade.
“...one way or another,” Bumblebee added quietly as Starscream fell into unconsciousness.