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They are six when they meet. She’s one of the tiniest kids he’s ever seen and the little boy makes sure to remind her that little fact every single time they meet at West Ham’s park. The girl just puts on a bad face, stomps on his foot and simply ignores that annoying toothless kid who won’t ever let her make a sand castle without commenting on it.
It’s Kelly’s tenth birthday when they put their differences apart. They’re both friends with her. Or that’s what they say. His dad has known Kelly’s mom for years now so they’ve known each other since they were born. She gave Kelly a turkey sandwich and a couple chips one time which pretty much makes them inseparable at lunch time — the only moment they ever speak. Both of them forgot the present so tiny girl and annoying boy come together to make an attempt of a paper whale and a heartfelt letter. Kelly still has both.
When they are thirteen, he starts to notice her. He feels like he’s known her forever but it’s only then that he starts to pay attention. The way she pokes the tip of her tongue when she’s concentrated, how her eyes seem to shine as bright as the stars above when she’s speaking about her favorite book at lunch… He just starts to pick up little details, simple things that make her who she is. And maybe his stomach starts to flutter in the process.
She’s fourteen when they have their first big fight. He calls her sister “an annoying stuck up rat” (whatever that means) and she’s had enough. The things they say, the way they say them… It hurts her chest because through the years, she’s grown to appreciate him, to understand that boy who used to step on sand castles, she’s starting to consider him a friend. They’ve shared so much… Like the one time she called him crying about Cassandra having a heart attack and her being all alone at home because her parents went to take her sister to the hospital. Or the time he came to her house with way too many candies just because he had heard that she was with the flu — she wasn’t. They’ve shared so much and her heart hurts.
Freshman year comes and they just keep falling apart. He becomes popular overnight and she stays in her sister’s shadow. Their lockers are together, side by side, so they actually see each other quite a bit, they just ignore each other’s presence. It’s easier that way. Still, he looks at her when she isn’t looking and feels his insides turning at the mere thought of how easy everything used to be with her. She acts as if she didn’t notice but the truth is that she’s gotten extremely good at identifying the feeling of his eyes on her back and ignoring how that makes her feel.
He’s with Kelly and she has this crush on Will when they arrive to New Ham. She’s with Will and he’s trying to win Kelly back when she’s thrown into the backseat of a car after being hit by a stone thanks to his lying. That same night, he stays in bed looking at the ceiling. He can feel her glare. He can feel the way his chest tightened under her eyes. He can feel her anger. He can feel her disappointment. And that’s probably the worst of all. The disappointment, the hurt. He’s hurt her and he didn’t realize sooner. He hurt her after she found out he had wished her sister was dead. He tried apologizing and it hadn’t worked. So he doesn’t know how he’s going to fix it this time — he can’t fix it. If he hadn’t lose her already, he definitely has now. And that… that hurts like hell.
Three months later she comes out of the classroom where they’ve kept her. Things aren’t going well and Lexie knows that they need her help. So she lets her out. But she’s mad. Furious even. Mostly hurt. Hurt that most of them would prefer to trust something Campbell is involved in over her. Hurt that Lexie would even consider helping them. Hurt that Luke would just throw everything out the window. Hurt that Helena would not even doubt everything they said that afternoon at the church. But above all of that she’s hurt because he did it. He locked her up barely a week after they had talked about working together, being friends, the other world. She’s hurt and she starts crying the moment she sees him. He holds her until she calms herself down.
She needs four months more before she’s capable of facing him again. And he respects that. He knows he fucked up, he knows he did everything wrong and that she deserves that much. She deserves all the time she wants. Their first conversation turns quickly into a fight. One where heart talks over head. It doesn’t end with a big declaration of love and a movie kiss, it ends with both of them emotionally drained, tears running down their cheeks and heart on their sleeves. They don’t talk for another month.
Almost a year after the whole election fiasco they sit on her couch, watching a random movie. Things have changed. They make decisions as a team. Helena, Gordie, Lexie, him and her. Sometimes they ask for Luke’s point of view, especially if it’s on a matter of security or rationing. He’s so damn good with those. Almost as good as the detective on the movie they’re watching. All six of them. It takes Helena and Luke about thirty minutes before departing to their house, followed by Lexie leaving out of boredom and Gordie going upstairs to sleep. So they sit on her couch in comfortable silence. They’re on good terms. He’s been there for her panic attacks and she’s been there for his drug problem. They’re getting better.
On Eden’s second birthday, they make another paper whale. This one actually looks like a whale. There are smiles, soft glances and a little bit of nudging in the process. By now, everyone has already started to make bets on when they’ll confess their feelings. Because there are feelings involved. They just don’t know what to make of it. She’s scared, scared that things will go south again and she’ll end up hurt. He’s insecure, of not being enough, of her thinking that he’s not enough. So yes, there are smiles, soft glances, nudging and tender hugs that last longer than they should. But that’s it.
And that will always be it. Because they’re not meant to be, this is not a movie and theirs is not the big romance that will steal the show. No. They don’t need it either. They’re both so done with big shows and big things and being the center of attention. If they can have this one thing —their relationship, whatever it is— all for themselves, they will. Because no one needs to know about the way he holds her at night when they’re in bed trying to avoid nightmares. No one needs to know about how she prepares breakfast every morning and makes sure that he has a blanket over him while napping. No one needs to know about how he tucks her hair on her ear while they’re making a cake, or how she wipes his cheek every time it gets some flour on it. No one needs to know about them. And they don’t need more, don’t need to risk what’s already theirs for some dream that might end up triggering their deepest fears.
They are together in this hell of a new world and that’s more than enough.