Chapter Text
Before
Renjun had known from a young age that he was different from his peers, maybe 5 or 6, possibly earlier. He’d noticed pretty early on how his parents treated him more delicately than his brother, how people gave him sad looks in the supermarket. It wasn’t until he was older that it bothered him, but not by many years. He noticed it in the way people laughed at his brothers jokes, invited him out to play, the way their parents let him out of sight without the awkward pause they gave Renjun when he asked for the same.
His brother, Sicheng, was the perfect son. Athletic but Artistic. Intelligent and multi talented. Funny and kind but strong and straight forward. Renjun was more artistic than athletic, intelligent but more scatterbrained. Kind but quiet, perhaps a little too blunt. It wasn’t Sichengs fault that sometimes, Renjun hated him, just a little bit. Sometimes a lot. It wasn’t either of their faults that Renjun just was different, no matter how bad they wanted differently.
School was difficult, Renjun didn’t find a place to fit in and that made him more so a target. Sichengs protectiveness grew and it only served to anger Renjun more. When bullies would shove him into the row of lockers, their approach hidden from Renjuns ears, Sicheng would appear over his shoulder. He was always just there and it infuriated Renjun. When they’d been younger they’d been best friends, Renjun had thought Sicheng was incredible but unreachable none the less. Sicheng was a golden child and Renjun had always been standing in his brothers shadow.
Things got better between them once Renjun switched schools, his parents had had enough of the bruises and unrelenting silences. They’d sent Renjun to specialists and doctors as a child, tried to help him as much as they could but now, his silences stretched to an uncomfortable angry level. Sicheng left for college the same year Renjun moved schools, their relationship got better in stops and starts thanks to Renjuns own jealousy. It bothered the both of them that Renjun was angry at his brother, Sicheng who had never been anything but kind to him. Sicheng who has been the first to learn and adapt to Renjuns world. Space and time helped but it was acceptance that helped them both. Acceptance that Renjun would never be Sicheng, that Sicheng would never be able to change things for Renjun.
But art, art made it all better. Renjun would lose himself to his paints, chalks and pastels. He could spend hours hunched over his tablet drawing away but nothing was quite the same as the smell of wet paint. His fingers stained purple and the chemical smell of his studio clung to his hair. Paper turned to canvas and canvas to clothing. Renjun loved the feeling of seeing his customised clothing hanging in his closest, just waiting to be shown. Art eased the pressure on his chest, it was something that couldn’t be compared to his brother. It brought colours into his bad days allowing him to lose himself in the hues and shades. Art didn't need sound, it didn’t need him to translate his thoughts. It just was, it was colours and images and brush strokes that didn't need him to be any different. He didn’t need words to convey his thoughts, just his paints and a little patience.
The beginning
Renjun rolled over onto his stomach, the sun filtering across his bed through the half closed blinds, blindly he reached his hand out feeling for the bottle of water he’d left somewhere on the windowsill. It was still too hot for his liking even this late in the summer, his shirt stuck to his sticky back and he could feel the beads of sweat catching in the bend of his elbow as his hand finally found the damn bottle. Without opening his eyes he lifted his head just slightly, tipping the bottle against his lips. Empty. Not a drop of water entered his too dry mouth, cracking one sleep swollen eye open he sighed through his nose. He was too tired, too hot, too thirsty and the vibrations of his mother's music was too annoying for him to even attempt to maintain a calm composure so early in the morning. Throwing his blanket back, he made sure to stamp his feet as hard as possible as he made his way downstairs. He doubted his mother would even notice considering how fucking loud she had the music up.
Of course as he turned into the kitchen, there she was dancing along to whatever upbeat track she had playing, her back turned to him as she swayed across the room towards the stove. A notebook lay open beside it, Renjun could just make out delicate handwriting across the pages. He assumed she must be working on another cookbook then. Still, it was too early and too hot for him to hide his irritation so instead of alerting her to his presence in a … civilised manner he shouldered his way past her, knocking her hip with his to get to the refrigerator and it's blessed cold water. She startled at his sudden appearance in the room, reaching over to turn her music down even though both of them knew it was pointless.
Renjun could feel her eyes on the side of his face as he drank from the bottle, ignored the way some of the drink spilled from the corner of his lips until his mouth felt a little less like he’d swallowed sand before wiping his chin with the back of his hand. When he turned, his mother was leaning against the counter with her hip, a wooden spoon held in the air between them and she had one arched eyebrow raised at his behaviour. For all of the maturity he had, Renjun rolled his eyes at her unspoken question. ‘What's with you’ it was the look she always gave him when he was being unceremoniously stroppy. She’d been giving him that look ever since he was little, when he was younger he’d give in and tell her what was bothering him but now he just stomped his way over to one of the stools by the breakfast bar and dropped his head onto his folded arms.
He was hoping his mother might just return to her cooking and accept that he was just having one of his bad days but unfortunately for him, or her he was undecided, she chose to tap him on his head with her spoon. It was probably meant to be a request for him to tell her what was wrong but to Renjun in his current mood it felt more like a demand. He swatted her spoon away and made no effort to lift his head but she was persistent and his cheek was starting to stick to his arm from the added heat of the stove. He breathed in through his nose and out through his mouth, once, twice, three times, trying to collect his composure. It didn't work very well when a body collided with his from the side almost throwing him from his seat. Whipping his head up to glare at whoever had flung themselves at him, his cousin pointedly ignored the look he was being sent with a wide grin directed at his mother.
Chenle, on any given day he could be a fiery hot tempered brat and others his smile could put the sun to shame his energy radiating from his body. Not much unlike himself, Renjun mused. Right now though Chenles attention was on his mother and whatever she was cooking, the pair talking away to each other in a conversation Renjun didn't have the energy to try to keep up with. Chenles arm was still flung over Renjuns shoulder as his mother turned back to the stove, despite his obvious desire to be left alone. Chenle bless him, never was quite as attuned to Renjuns mood as his brother was. And it was thanks to either his cousins obliviousness or blatant disregard for Renjuns bad mood that he found himself being dragged out onto the small cracked patio behind the house. Chenle pushed him down onto the swing seat, rusted and with its paint peeling off due to the years of sitting outside in the rain, before dropping down next to him.
It took less than five minutes before Chenle had to turn Renjuns face away from the garden so they were facing each other. He noted at how the others eyes flicked down to the scowl on his own face, his bright smile wavering only slightly before returning albeit slightly less secure. Whatever Chenle was here for, he clearly needed Renjun to be in a much better mood than his current one but luck was clearly not on either of their sides today. Chenle to his credit, only hesitated a second, his hands stiling in front of his chest, before asking Renjun if he was excited to return to college this term. When he didn't receive an answer he prodded Renjuns thigh and when that didn't get any reply he sat back with a huff.
College, Renjun had attended for a half a year before taking leave. He’d thought he was ready to leave home and live his own life in a big new city but even with Sicheng being close by it had proven perhaps a little too overwhelming for Renjun so he’d deferred for the rest of year and returned to the relative comfort of his childhood bedroom and his paints. It was most certainly not his proudest moment. But now with summer nearly over, it meant he had to decide whether to return and finish his degree or drop out entirely. He hadn’t quite decided yet. So, to have Chenle asking about it, on a day where Renjun already would much rather not be sitting on an old swing seat, with a spring digging into his back in the insufferable heat… well it didn’t make the prospect of moving back across the country any more appealing.
Chenle let Renjun sit and sulk, swinging his legs back and forth to rock their seat. Renjun tucked his knees up to his chest and rested his chin on them, thinking. This time it’d be different wouldn't it, he’d know more of what would be expected and his parents had paid extra for him to have a interpreter there to help him follow his lectures. Sicheng would still be there, living close by with his partner and even Chenle and Jisung would be attending the same college. Neither of them were taking the same degree but they would still be there close by if Renjun ever needed them. But it was the thought of having to meet a new roommate, new students, new teachers that left a bitter taste in his mouth. That hadn’t gone well for him the last few times he’d started at a new place.
College, it was both something he longed for and yet wanted to stay completely 100% away from. But summer was nearly over and his time to decide running out.
Chenle only let him sulk for another half hour before dragging him up to his bedroom and throwing clothes at him. Renjun stared at his cousin making no move to put the clothes on so Chenle threw his hands in the air and shouted ‘Ice cream!’ or at least Renjun hoped that's what he’d said, because he quickly tugged off his sweat dampened clothes and tugged on the clean ones. Ice cream, that he could agree to. The pair quickly made their way down to the front door, shoes roughly put on before heading out. Renjuns house was close enough to the beach and the ice cream parlour that he was only mildly annoyed about being sweaty again when they arrived. The place was hideous all green and yellow walls with red and white booths made of cracked vinyl circling cheap plastic tables. But it wasn’t very busy despite the heat and they had really, really good ice cream to offer.
Renjun followed Chenle to their usual booth at the back of the room, they’d been coming here since they were kids and this specific booth had somehow become theirs. There were even little drawings left on the wall that Renjun remembered his aunt had scolded them both for when he was about 7. The waitress came over despite the fact neither of them had looked at the menu, Chenle rattling off their usuals. Banana chocolate with extra whipped cream, chocolate chunks and waffle pieces for Renjun and Strawberry and Chocolate swirl with all the same extras for Chenle. With a small serving of bingsu to share on the side.
Chenle didn't push Renjun for an answer to his earlier question as they sat and ate instead leaving him to look out the window and watch as people made their way down to the beach, trying to catch every last sunny day while they could. He didn’t say anything but Renjun could tell Chenle wanted to ask him more, he could see it in the way his lips tugged down and in the crease between his eyebrows. In the way his eyes kept flicking from Renjuns face to his half eaten ice cream.
The day didn’t progress any better, Renjun stayed pointedly quiet and Chenle pretended his bad mood wasn't bothering him. They ordered take out for dinner and watched some terrible movie on the tv, Renjuns mum disappeared upstairs and his dad sat in the old armchair reading a book. The heat stuck late into the night, even after Chenle had gone home without any answers. Renjun rolled his shoulders where he was spread out on the sofa, the bad mood he’d been dealing with all day had made his body tired and aching but his mind was far from any thought of sleep. Out of the corner of his eye he watched his dad turn the page in his book, pushing his glasses up his nose. His dad looked so much like his brother, older but still eerily similar it was jarring at times. Like looking at a future Sicheng. He noticed Renjuns staring and flashed a quick small smile at him before lowering his book.
“you look like you’ve got a lot on your mind” Renjun shrugged, he now found himself wondering why his father preferred using speech with him over sign language. It didn't make it much harder to hold a conversation but perhaps that's why he did it, because it was that small amount harder. Renjun asked him as much, he could only imagine how terrible he must have sounded speaking out loud after a day of not using his voice.
“because it’s nice to hear your voice after you refused to use it for so long” Renjun couldn’t hear if he was being sincere but he rolled his eyes and looked back at the tv anyway. His father kicked his leg with his foot, so he turned his eyes back to him showing that he was paying attention. “want to tell me what's wrong?”
“nothing”
“you're a bad liar” Renjun wasn't, that was just a particularly bad one.
“heat, bad movie, college”
at this his father placed his book down and leaned forward “what about it”
his father sure asked a lot of questions, Renjun debated just telling him about his worries but instead he replied with “it's too hot. The plot is bad” He knew he had fumbled the pronunciation of plot, the word had felt wrong in his mouth but his dad didn't comment, he shook his head.
“It is, but what about college?”
“Nothing, it's stupid”
“It’s not stupid if you’re bothered by it” At this particular moment, the way his dad spoke annoyed him. Slow and with a little too much effort to make sure Renjun could read his lips. Looking back at the tv he lifted his hands, signed the word for stop and rolled over effectively ending any attempt at further questioning.
By the time he went to bed, his bad mood hadn’t lifted and he still had a thin layer of sweat sticking his clothes to him. Perhaps he could sleep it off but something in the pit of his stomach told him that eventually he’d have to face his worries.
In a few months, he’d be back at college unless he decided otherwise.