Work Text:
You're as safe as a mountain
But know that I am dynamite
Your hand is warm but my heart is blue
Is blue now
I miss you, but I've got things to do
He’d imagined so many ways this conversation could go. So many versions of goodbye.
But this was not one of them.
Nick knew something was wrong immediately from the moment he walked in. June’s body was tense, her eyes almost frantic, like she was on the cusp of breaking down.
His nervous system had reacted immediately - June’s always had that effect on him. Her happiness lifts him up. Her sadness breaks him. Her fear sends him into high alert.
Was it Lawrence? he’d wondered. Did he do something? Is it Hannah? Or..could it be Holly? Has she heard something?
He tried to get her to talk about Lawrence but she didn’t engage, continuing to hurl her questions at him instead. His fears worsened as June’s anger grew, becoming more and more harsh.
“What can you do? What are you good for?” she said.
He’s been here before. When she takes her anger out on him, her helplessness, her fear. Overwhelmed by it and needing a release, somewhere outside of her where she could direct the feelings that threaten to consume her inside. Like at the Globe. Like with Eden.
Her words stung, each one cutting into him, stirring up his own feelings of powerlessness. He felt angry too, but stifled his instinct to defend himself against what felt like an unfair attack. He’d helped get Holly out. June would be out too, if it were not for her own decision to stay. But that was her decision, not his.
But he took it, and kept his feelings to himself, yielding the space to June’s feelings. Giving her the only thing he can - his understanding. His compassion. His love. But maybe that’s not enough for her anymore...
He had to tell her the news eventually. He couldn’t keep it from her. She deserved to know.
“I’m being deployed,” he said. Her eyes closed and her body swayed ever so slightly, and Nick hated adding even more fear and pain to the burden she was already carrying.
He reminded himself that she deserves to know. And to hear it from him directly. They could have a real goodbye this time. Not just a simple nod as he stood outside the Waterford house, unable to talk, touch, connect.
He never imagined it would be like this. Separated not by walls, but by anger and coldness this time.
This was not how this was supposed to go. This was not how they were supposed to part. To end. Perhaps for forever.
But if this was what she wanted...he couldn’t force her. He would never force her.
With a simple, wordless, nod, once again, he turns around and walks away. Feeling more numb, cold, and hollow, with each step that takes him farther and farther away from her.
He closes the door, still trying to come to terms with what just happened. He leans against the wall by the door, unable to leave. Unable to accept it quite yet. Desperate for something else. To reach out to her, to connect. How can this be their ending? After everything?
But it has to be her choice. Always her choice.
And this was her choice.
He starts to wonder how the fuck he’s ever going to be able to leave, when he hears the first sounds of footsteps approaching the door. Is he imagining it? The doubt always lingering...that he really matters to her. That she wants to connect with him as much as he wants to connect with her.
He’s paralyzed, incapable of leaving as long as there’s still any hope. The soft patter gets louder and he’s sure it’s real now. He still holds his breath, afraid the footsteps will stop or retreat from the door.
But they continue to grow louder, until they do stop, immediately on the other side of the door, only a few inches away from where he stood.
“Nick?” June whispers softly through the door, a quiver in her voice, afraid of hearing nothing but silence on the other side.
Never able to resist her, he sighs in response, letting her know he’s still there. He’d always wait for her. It feels like the most simple, honest, deepest truth of his life.
“I’m sorry,” she whispers through the door, in a flat voice that still does not sound like the June he knows. Cold. She takes a breath, then releases it with a sigh, before repeating, “I’m sorry.” So soft he almost couldn’t hear her, but with a sincerity that rang loud and clear.
He doesn’t respond yet though, continuing to give her space, but his hand absently moves closer to the door.
“I didn’t mean it...” she continues, before her voice drifts off. “I was...upset.”
He sighs again and answers quietly, “ I know.”
“It’s not an excuse...”
He nods, even though she can’t see it.
He hears some shuffling on the other side, as June steps even closer to the door. Without her anger as a wall, the door provides another wall to hide behind.
She leans her forehead forward against the door, and braces her hands on both sides.
“I’m…” she starts, before taking another breath and releasing it. Suddenly, her head moves back as she looks up to the ceiling, as if praying to a god that she’s not sure she even believes in anymore. “Fuck, I hate this place. I fucking hate this place.” Her voice starts to quiver, as the fear sinks in, and Nick finally moves from the wall, standing in front of the door as well. He leans his forehead against it, desperate to connect with her through the barrier that separates them.
June leans her forehead back against the door, and shakes her head side to side, helplessly trying to contain her emotions. “I just want Hannah. I just want to get out. I want to see Holly. I want you…,” she pauses, trying to gather her emotions again. “I want you to be safe...I need you to be safe.”
Nick reaches for the door knob, but doesn’t turn it.
“I can’t do this. I don’t know how to do this,” she says, franticness returning to her voice, but without any anger to hide behind. Just despair, and he can’t take any more of it.
“Can I come in?” he asks.
She doesn’t answer, but he can hear her step backwards, before the door slowly swings open.
She’s standing about a foot away from him, her head bent down, unable to look at him. Her fear and sorrow written all over her face, and he closes the gap between them with a single step, pulling her into his arms.
Her head immediately drops further down, hiding her face in his chest, and his hand comes up to cradle her head, offering the only comfort he can. Her arms tighten around his waist, as if she’s hanging on for dear life, like he’s her life preserver. Like she would drown without him.
They stand in that position, still by the door, neither ready to move, to end this moment, knowing what’s to come when they part.
Finally, June steps back, and slowly lifts her eyes to Nick’s, her eyes still sad and afraid, but a bit less so.
“You’re really leaving?” she asks, even though she already knows the answer. She knows Nick would never leave her if he had any choice in the matter.
He nods gently in reply. When she drops her head in anguish again, his hand reaches out to cup her face, pulling it back up so he can meet her eyes.
She keeps her eyes closed for a few seconds, before giving in and opening her eyes and holding his gaze.
“June, you’re the strongest person I know. You can do this,” Nick says. “Just...don’t do anything stupid.”
A soft laugh escapes her lips as she looks away, shrugging her shoulders, knowing he’s right. She has a history of not always thinking her actions through.
Then her eyes return to his, with all seriousness again. “You too,” she says.
It’s Nick’s turn to look away, and she pulls his head back to face her. “You hear me? You have to come back.”
He holds her gaze for a few seconds before responding, “where else would I go?”
His utter loyalty and devotion overwhelms her...because she doesn’t deserve it. Especially with how she just treated him. But she takes comfort in his reassurance...There’s so little they can control, except these promises to one another. They’ll keep themselves safe, if not for themselves, then for each other.
She knows of one more reason for Nick to keep himself safe, and she takes his hand and walks him back towards her bed, where they sit down on the edge together.
“Hey,” June starts. “Have you heard? Holly made it to Canada. She’s safe.”
Nick’s heart unclenches, even though he’d already heard. To have June confirm it, and to share in this moment together relieved the last bit of ache that he didn’t even fully realize he was carrying.
“I heard something on the news about a handmaid and a baby escaping,” he replies.
She smiles at him, and takes his hand into her lap, squeezing it tight. “We did it.” She reaches her free hand up to cup his face. “You did it.”
“I didn’t do anything,” he says, shaking his head.
“Yes, you did. You do so much...What you do counts. I’m sorry I make you feel like it doesn’t sometimes…But that’s about me. Not you.”
“It’s okay," he's quick to say, to comfort her and dismiss himself.
“It’s not okay...but thanks anyways.” They sit in silence for a few beats, both celebrating and mourning the absence of their daughter. The last time they were alone like this together, she was with them, sheltered in their arms. A family.
“I wish I could have held her one last time,” Nick says, his body shuddering under the weight of his longing. “I wish…” His voice drifts off and he sighs, shaking his head to himself, not daring to wish or dream.
“Hey, what do you wish?” June asks.
He looks up at her face, and sees the hope in her eyes. “I wish I could see her grow up. I know I should just be happy, that she’s safe...but I wish I could be with her.”
June’s heart breaks for him, as she gets a rare glimpse into his pain, which he always hides so well underneath his concern for her.
“You will...Holly will know her father. And she’s gonna love him.”
His eyes drift back down, afraid to hope again.
“She’s gonna love you, Nick. So you can’t give up, okay?”
“You really think so?” he asks, looking back up at her.
June reaches her hand back out to his face. “We got her out didn’t we? We can’t give up. I won’t if you don’t.”
They hold one another’s gaze, matching eyes still full of sadness and fear, but the love and hope in them are undeniable as well. Their foreheads touch one final time, all walls or shields vanished between them.
All too soon, Nick pulls away, and she watches as he tries to work himself up to what he needs to say next.
“June,” he starts. “If it doesn’t work out like we want…”
“Nick, you can’t think like that,” she says, shaking her head. Trying to stop him from saying something that will send her into another fear spiral.
“It’s not that...I will come back. I promise you. I’m not leaving you here...but I just need you to know…”
He takes a deep breath, another shudder running through his body. She can see the emotion rising in him, spilling over into his face, his eyes.
How do you sum up their love in words? You can’t.
So she kisses him instead. And they let their bodies express their love for each other, one last time.