Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

Winry was used to surprises. With a husband like Edward Elric it was hard not to expect them! Seriously though; considering Ed always managed to find trouble wherever he went, Winry had begun to expect that Ed was going to do something out of the ordinary or completely idiotic. It was in his nature. He was even more immature than his kids. And they weren't even five yet.

And yet, Ed still found ways to surprise her. Before Edward kindly demonstrated it to her, she had no idea her automail could be broken in half trying to bend the iron bars of jail cell.

Ed paid dearly for that little incident.

But still.

That being said, when she heard her children and husband screaming in the living room the last thing she expected to see was Mr. Edward Elric crouched on the arm of the lounge chair giving the floor a death glare.

Why did he look like he was trying to burn a hole through it?

He had a look of utter concentration on his face as he braced his hands on the chair and slowly extended his left foot out towards the back of the couch. The tip of it just reached the back of the couch.

Barely.

But apparently, that was enough for Ed. He began to move his weight forward and attempted to stand up a bit so he could climb across.

Big mistake.

The chair slid back a few centimeters, leaving Ed precariously suspended in between the furniture in what looked like an extremely painful split.

Her son was currently sitting on the couch holding Ed's foot using all his three year old might to keep it resting there.

Her daughter, however, was practically strangling her husband. Her little arms were wrapped around his neck in a tight hold as she screamed at him not to fall.

What was going on here?

She watched as Ed's foot slipped further, little Sara screaming even louder when she felt her father shift underneath her. A look of utter determination appeared on his face as he pried Sara off himself and…practically tossed their two year old onto the couch?!

That was the last straw.

Not only was he ruining their furniture, he was throwing HER daughter around!

Why did she ever marry this alchemist freak?

Anyways, previously she had been making stew for dinner. One of Ed's favorite meals.

At the moment, she kind of wanted to pour the hot stuff right on his head. Pot and all.

More importantly, she still had a wooden spoon in her hand that she had been using to stir. Not her weapon of choice but it would do.

The spoon quickly found its target in her idiotic husband's forehead.

"What on earth do you think you're doing Edward? Are you trying to ruin our furniture?!"

Ed's arms flew every which was as he struggled to keep his balance. A very hard thing to do considering he just got a wooden spoon to the head.

He groaned audibly as his foot slipped even further down stretching his legs into an even more awkward and painful position.

In a burst of insanity he pushed off the chair with his left foot. The force toppling the chair and sending him flying towards the couch, where he landed in a mess of cushions on the opposite side.

"Daddy made it!"

Ed's frazzled face appeared above the back of the couch, a smirk adorning his face. "Yeah Daddy did Sara, 'cause you're Daddy's just that awesome!"

When he turned back to Winry though his face was far from happy. "But what the hell Winry? You almost made me fall!"

Within seconds a nearby book nearly broke every bone in Ed's face.

"AGH!"

"Don't you dare curse in front of the kids you idiot!"

Sara laughed delightedly. "Look big bruther!" She pointed at her incapacitated father and poked the growing lump on his head, making him twitch in pain, "Daddy in twouble again!"

"Owwww!" Ed groaned, his head popping up once again. "Come on Winry, are you trying to kill me?!"

"At the moment yes!" she fumed, "What were you trying to do? Besides destroy our furniture?!" She eyed the overturned chair with obvious annoyance.

Ed grimaced, "Yeah….about that…."

He screamed as another book came flying at his head, diving behind the safety of the couch again.

"Come on!" He mumbled from his safe haven, "Don't use my books as missiles! They could get damaged!"

"And you won't break the chair by treating it like a jungle gym?" Winry glowered, "Hmm? What were you thinking?!"

"Ummmm…."

"Well?!" Winry yelled.

Ben's little face appeared above the couch a little grin splitting his face. "The floor is lava Mommy!" he said in glee, "Daddy would've burned up if he fell!"

Winry's arm fell to her side. She had been perfectly ready and willing to beam that weirdo with another book that he'd left lying about, Xingese Alkahestry for Dummies. Al had brought it with him the last time he and Mei had visited.

And it just happened to be one of the largest and heaviest tomes in the house.

She felt a little disappointed she didn't get to nail Ed with it. It probably would've hurt a lot.

"What was that?" she asked.

"The floor is lava!" Ben told her again, "You can't step on it! It'll burn you up! You have to stay on chairs!"

"Ohhhh," Winry murmured as comprehension dawned on her. So that's why Ed nearly killed himself trying to climb onto the couch.

"Well," She continued, straightening up, "I expect the three of you to put everything back in order as soon as the floor isn't lava anymore."

"Okay Mommy!" Sara and Ben called in unison. Ed muttered an offhanded sure.

"And Edward?" she called in a high singsong voice. She grinned when she saw him pale. He really wasn't expecting to get out of this unscathed was he? That idiot should know better. "You had better drink all of your milk tonight at dinner."

"What?" Ed's face paled even more if that was even possible. "NO!"

Winry smirked, "Come on Ed. Don't be a baby."

"I'M NOT GOING TO DRINK IT!" he yelled, springing to his feet.

"Daddy get off the floor!" Ben and Sara screamed.

Ed flailed around in surprise and jumped back onto the couch, nearly knocking it completely over in the process.

"You're drinking it alright," Winry grinned evilly, "Milk makes you immune to lava."

The children gasped. "You have ta dwink it Daddy!" Sara told him, "You'll neva be able to walk awound again if ya don't!"

"You hear that Ed? Even your children want you to. You can't say no to them."

Ed took one look at their faces and groaned. "Winry?"

"Sorry Edward, I have to go finish making dinner. I don't have any time to argue with you right now."

"Come on Daddy!" Ben said, tugging Ed's arm, "We half ta go to the kitchen!"

"Yesh!" Sara spoke around her thumb, "We hafta dwink milk!"

"Winry!"

"You're on your own Ed."

"WINNRRRY!"

Chapter Text

“Edward Francis Elric."

Ed cringed. He knew that tone. It was Winry's 'don't you dare try and get out of this or I will murder you in the most painful way possible and make it look like an accident' tone of voice.

He slowly turned around and resisted the urge to curl up in a ball and cry when he saw her face. He didn't know it was possible for a person's skin to achieve that hue of red. He could've sworn he saw steam coming out of her ears.

"Uh," he hesitated when he saw her eyes narrow even farther. If it were possible to incinerate someone just by looking at them, he would've been nothing more than a pile of ash on the ground a long time ago. "Winry…"

"Shut up Ed!" Winry cut him off sharply and he snapped his mouth shut with an audible click. "How can you expect me to trust you again after what happened on Tuesday?"

Ed started. That's what this was about?

He heaved a small sigh of relief. He thought she had found that little piece of automail he had stashed away after a little incident involving an alchemy experiment gone wrong.

It wasn't entirely his fault it happened. Maybe just a little. Well, fine maybe it was completely his fault but it was NOT his fault that that piece of automail had gotten smashed. It had just happened to get caught in the crossfire. Not his fault at all.

He cleared his throat and stole a small glance at Winry. She looked like she was seconds away from ripping his head off. "Winry…." He began, clearing his throat again as sweat trickled down his forehead, "I think you're being kinda ridiculous about this…"

"Ridiculous?" she hissed, and Ed froze when she saw her hand inch closer to the large, heavy metal wrench resting on the table next to her. "Me!"

Okay…he had to play this cool. Not set her off. He smirked to himself, maybe he would actually manage to get out of this alive.

But Ed being Ed, he went and said the first thing that came to mind.

"Maybe just a little. Ya know?"

WHAM

"AGH!"

A string of curses left Ed's mouth as his forehead exploded in pain. It felt like Al had just punched him the face as hard as he could. Like Al in his armor type of hard; he could see stars dancing around his head.

He just HAD to go open his big fat mouth.

"NO I DON'T KNOW!" Winry screamed at him, chest heaving in rage as she reached for the next available item small enough to throw but large enough to cause immense pain.

Ed's eyes widened when he saw and even bigger wrench resting in her hands.

He rubbed his forehead in an effort to soothe the throbbing pain in his skull. "Winry," he begged, trying to placate her, "Please stop overreacting…"

Ed screamed as he just managed to avoid the flying projectile aimed directly at his head. Internally, he thanked Teacher her hell filled training exercises. They may have just extended his life the tiniest bit.

But then he heard the distinct shatter of glass behind him and cringed. He was in for a world of pain once all this was over.

If he managed to survive that is.

"I AM NOT OVERREACTING!" Winry's voice rang even louder, making him cover his ears in pain, "You BETRAYED me!"

Yeah, it was official. He was not going to survive this. He just wished he had gotten to say goodbye to Al before the end.

"I did not!" Technically that was true.

"You LIED to me!"

"NO…" He paused. There really was no point in denying it anymore. It was already a well-known fact these were his final minutes left to live. "Well, maybe I did. But it wasn't that big of a deal!" Maybe if he showed her that it really wasn't that big of a deal…maybe she would see sense!

"Not that big of a deal?" Ed winced as her screech ringed in his already sensitive ears, "How can you say that's not that big of a deal! YOU CHEATED!"

"I did not!" Not really! Like seriously! He didn't cheat! Not in the full sense of the word at least!

"You did so!" Winry eyes narrowed to slits. She picked up the book lying beside her, "Don't try and deny it you bastard!" Boy, if she was mad earlier, she was absolutely livid now.

"Calling me names now huh?" Ed yelped in surprise as he dove behind the couch to avoid the oncoming missiles. He cautiously glanced above the top only to receive a well-placed book to the face. A very large one at that.

He could just feel the lump on his head getting bigger.

"…well, that hurts my feelings" he groaned.

"I can't believe you," she hissed, "I cannot believe you!"

Ed grabbed one of the couch cushions and propped it up on the top of the couch. He cautiously snuck a glance over it and had to refrain from screaming like a girl when he saw Winry's flaming eyes not even a foot away from his own.

That didn't stop him from toppling over backwards into the coffee table though. He knew he heard a crack beneath him that time.

Granny was going to murder him.

If Winry didn't first that is.

He barrel rolled behind the nearest piece of furniture as another book came flying too close to comfort.

"I said I was sorry!" He yelled from his safe spot behind the comfy chair.

"Well sorry doesn't cut it!" Ed groaned. "I'm never going to forgive you for this! Never!" Winry fumed at him.

Seriously? All this! This was a little over the top! "Winry!" he begged, "Please just calm down and we'll discuss this like human beings! No one, specifically myself, needs to get hurt!"

Ed flinched as a barrage of projectiles flew past his hiding spot into the wall he was facing. "DON'T YOU DARE TELL ME TO CALM DOWN AFTER WHAT YOU DID YOU DESPICABLE HUMAN BEING!" He winced at that one. "YOU CHEATED!"

Okay well maybe he did cheat. But it wasn't so much cheating as using his already honed skills to his advantage. And bending the rules a bit. Just a tad of course. Nothing to drastic.

"Winry please. It was just a monopoly game."

"And I was WINNING you alchemist freak!"

Ohhhh yeah. He was dead for sure.