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Were my expectations too big? All I've ever asked of you is that you make it clear we're on the same page. What was so hard about it? Why were you so serious all the time?
A young woman watches from her rearview mirror as she drives away from once a familiar place. A place she once called home. The driver tightens her grip on the wheel a bit more, just for safety precautions in case she decides to do something irreversible. Although she has already done something that she is certain cannot be reversed.
The brunette sighs as she focuses on the road and tries to stop her eyes from watering further before it obstructs her vision entirely.
Who knows? Maybe she should just let loose and let God decide what happens, if there even is a God.
Evie grew up going to church and believed it for most of her life, but if God exists, he sure hasn't bothered to show up when she needed him. She turns on the radio loudly, hoping the beat and drumming of the music will distract her from the beat of her own heart. The skies are so clear today and the weather was perfect, so why does Evie feel nothing but despair?
She knows why. It's always her. She left her heart and happiness behind with one so heartless. Maybe the owner of her heart will take it and finally learn how to love.
'Everything hurts. I want to throw up', the brunette thinks to herself and stops the car at the red light and gently rests her head against the wheel. She lets out a deep sigh and groans. Everything hurts, but at the same time, she can't feel anything. Every part of her body, down to the last cell, is fighting between aching and numbing.
"Hi there! I'm Evie! Nice to meet you!" the kindergartener greets the new student, who stared at the kind girl coldly before taking her hand and cautiously shakes it in return. The somewhat awkward exchange doesn't deter the smiling child, but makes her smile even brighter instead.
"I'm Mal" the blonde little girl replies, so quietly one would miss it if they were not paying attention.
"Hi Mal! You are new right?!"
"Yes?"
"Lemme show you around!" Evie grins and takes Mal's tiny hands before proceeding to show her around their kindergarten classroom.
Mal tried to hide her light blush as her newfound friend showed her their classroom and their classmates. It was currently choice time, so everyone was busy doing whatever they wanted. Some students were drawing, some were playing with blocks and some were snacking. Once the mini tour of the classroom was finished, Evie grinned and invited her new classmate to color at their table. Mal simply nodded and watched Evie take the scrap paper and crayons.
"What's your favorite color? Mine's blue!"
Mal points to purple crayon.
"Purple is a nice color too. I like all colors" smiled Evie. Mal watches as Evie draws shapes with blue and purple crayons; some of the shapes were crooked but still impressive for a 6 year old. Then Evie spelled both their names and showed Mal her masterpiece.
Mal takes the paper from her classmate and mumbles a "thank you".
The two of them quickly became friends and Mal became more comfortable with the other children in the classroom, such as Jay, Uma, and Harry. Although none of them could replace the bright and shining girl she met on her first day.
The girl known as Evie.
Throughout elementary school, the two of them were inseparable. Even though Mal was not as much of a talker even after many years, Evie didn't let it bother her.
Just having Mal there was enough. They were going to be together forever. Evie proudly declared it at their kindergarten graduation.
'Things were so easy when we were kids' Evie silently laughs to herself until she gets interrupted by the sound of a car honking behind her vehicle, telling her to start driving. The young woman drives for what feels like an eternity until she reaches the driveway of a home in a rather affluent neighborhood. She parks the car and anxiously takes out her phone to call, and purposely avoided looking at all the missed calls from a certain someone.
She waits and hears the phone ringing as it's establishing a connection with the person on the other side of the line. After a few more seconds, she hears a soft, but concerned sounding "hello? Evie? Is everything okay?"
Evie takes a deep breath to collect herself before answering.
"...Audrey, I'm outside your house right now."
"Hold on. I'm coming down." Audrey tells her friend and quickly rushes down the stairs of her estate. Evie hangs up the call and waits outside the door until she hears the sound of it unlocking. Audrey looked completely disheveled after running down three flights of stairs to greet her friend. Usually Audrey would rather be dead than caught looking anything less than stellar, but none of that matters right now, especially not after seeing the dark circles under Evie's puffy red eyes.
"What happened?" Audrey asks as she moves to the side so Evie could come inside. The former closes the door behind her and gives Evie time to answer. Evie is visibly shaking and Audrey could tell she's trying to hold everything together even though she had no reason to maintain this tough exterior. There's only one person who could break Evie like this and Audrey knows who it is, but she wanted to hear it come out of Evie's mouth.
The Latin brunette takes a seat on Audrey's sofa and after what felt like hours of silence, Evie finally speaks up.
"I finally broke up with Mal"
Evie was always ahead of the other kids. In regards to grades, no one was even close to touching Evie's scores. But Evie was also ahead when it came to maturing, which is why it was not surprising that Evie was already well aware that she liked girls when other kids were still learning how to solve inequalities in mathematics.
By the time Evie turned 11, she knew she liked only girls, especially one special blondie. It came as a shock to her at first, but being the calm and mature child she was, Evie stopped and self-evaluated all the times the girls in her class talked about what boys were cute and all Evie could think about was what girls in her school she found pretty. Once she got past the initial shock of liking girls, Evie was ready for the new elephant in the room; her crush on Mal.
They recently started the same middle school and all their old friends from elementary school followed them to middle school. New friends also came along the way like Carlos and Gil. Evie and Mal are still as close as ever. They spent almost every weekend together and Evie had become Mal's own personal tutor.
"Hey E, can you check my math homework?" Mal asks her while laying on Evie's bed and hands the latter her worksheet. Evie checks the work and circles all the questions that Mal had gotten wrong and Mal groans.
"I hate math! What even is the point of us learning this?! I already know that I am not going to get a job that requires math and sciences!"
"Come on now, M. It's not that bad. Maths and sciences are pretty fun when you stop and think about why that's the answer to a problem. The answers are more concrete than history and English." Evie giggles.
"Easy for you to say. You have straight A's. I'm lucky if I can even get straight B's this term."
"You can do it. I know you're smart when you apply yourself." smiles Evie. The blonde stares at her friend and grins, which confuses Evie.
"Why should I even bother with school when you can just become a successful scientist or doctor? You'll make a lot of money and I'll live with you and make art."
"Live with me?" Asks Evie and Mal nods.
"We'll be together forever, remember? That's what you said. Friends forever right?"
Evie blushes and nods.
"Together Forever" Mal states and they pinky promise as if they were back in their kindergarten classroom from six years ago. Young and naive Evie made that promise, not realizing that forever doesn't last as long as she thought. As we grow up, we change as people. But not everyone will change for the better.
You never listen till the end. Did anyone ask you to solve everything? Just close your mouth and listen. When I’m having a hard time, where are you?
"So what exactly happened?" Audrey asks her friend as she hands her a hot cup of tea. Evie thanks Audrey and takes a slow sip of tea, her body was so exhausted from all her emotions that she couldn't even feel the heat.
"We got into another argument. Fifth one this month and it's only the third day of the month. Impressive right?" Evie dryly chuckles at her own sarcasm.
"About what this time?"
"She had some of her work friends over at our apartment and she once again introduced me as her friend and roommate. You would think after years of being introduced as that, it would stop bothering me. But it still hurts. And then we were talking about Harry and Uma's marriage and everything went from bad to worse when she heard marriage."
Audrey nods as a sign that she's listening so Evie could continue.
"I know the closet is hard, I spent all of middle school in it, but is it really fair that I was the only one who seemed proud about our relationship? She didn't want to introduce me as her girlfriend? Fine. Not kissing in public? Okay. But she couldn't even hold my hand when we went out together. Whenever I got too close, she would create a distance. When people asked her about her love life, she'd answer that "currently there's no one who interests her". Were we even actually in a relationship if the only time we were girlfriends was behind closed doors? Was I the only one who thought she and I were dating? Remember when she got mad at both of us when she found out that you knew we were dating back in sophomore year? It's been over 10 years since that, but nothing has changed."
Evie was standing quietly and nervously across from Mal in the quiet hallway. They had gone to the restroom during their chemistry class because Evie had called Mal to tell her something in private.
They were now 15 years old and things have changed a lot, but they were still best friends. At least Evie hopes they'll still be after what she's going to do next.
"Is something wrong, E?"
"I have something to tell you." Evie says.
"Okay...what's up?"
"So you know how Uma asked me why I rejected that boy from the football team last week even though he was hot?"
Yeah?"
Evie takes a deep breath and musters up enough courage to say her next sentence.
"It's because I'm a lesbian. I don't like guys. I didn't growing up, and I won't ever." Evie confesses. Mal's eyes widened and her mouth opens slightly in shock.
"But that's not all. I've liked girls for as long as I could remember, but the first girl I ever liked and still like is....you"
"W-what?"
"I like you, Mal. And not just in a friend way. I'm sorry." Evie tells Mal and wipes the tears away, but more just kept coming. She had told herself that she wasn't going to cry, but after finally letting go the secret she's been holding onto for years, she was so overwhelmed by both fear and relief.
"E-Evie. I...I-"
"You don't have to accept me. I didn't confess because I expected you to reciprocate these feelings. I just wanted to get these feelings finally off my chest, but I hope you won't see me differently and you will still be my friend."
"Evie. I'm gonna be honest, I don't completely understand your feelings for me. I don't get any of this. But...I would be lying if I said you weren't special to me too in a way. I don't know if it is the same way that you see me, but there is something different. When I thought about you liking me that way, it shocked me, but I also felt kind of happy..."
Evie couldn't believe her ears.
"I don't think I am a lesbian like you, but if you wanna...try things out...I can try."
"W-what? Are you saying...you wanna try to be girlfriends?"
Mal shyly nods. "But can we like not tell anyone? I'm not ready"
"No problem, M. I'll wait till you are ready."
A few months later after they started dating in secrecy, Audrey had caught her friends kissing over at Evie's house during a tutoring session. Mal was not only horrified that they were caught, but she was livid. Why didn't Audrey knock?! (Audrey did, Mal just didn't hear it.) Why did Evie think it was a good idea to kiss when she knew a friend was coming over?! That was the first of many fights the two would have over what was acceptable and what wasn't. Each time Evie would apologize for pushing Mal and the latter would promise that she'll try harder.
But it was just as never ending cycle filled with pointless promises and push and pulls.
Uma had also caught the two of them, but only Evie knew that Uma knew. She had to beg Uma to not talk to Mal about it and Uma kept their promise until Mal herself told Uma about her relationship. Even though things seemed hopeful every so often, they never really did improve. If Mal took two steps forward one week, the next week she'd take four steps back.
During Evie's med school graduation party and Mal's art school graduation party, many of their friends and classmates would comment about how close the two of them were. Evie overheard someone ask if they were together and Mal laughed.
"No way. We're just childhood best friends and roommates. Don't be ridiculous."
Evie knew Mal was going to say that, but it didn't change the fact that it hurt hearing those words come out of the blonde's mouth.
As usual, Mal apologized and gave the same promise that she was going to change. Once again Evie forgave her. But at this point, her forgiveness were more as a routine rather than genuinely believing Mal would change.
"Call me impatient, Audrey. Call me a terrible person, but...I just...couldn't take it anymore. I couldn't handle being some dirty little secret anymore. I love her. I love her with all my heart, and I know love is never perfect, but it's not supposed to hurt every day. I'm not supposed to wake up next to someone I love and question when are they going to hurt me again. It came to the point that I can't even believe her promises anymore. They were just empty words that I accepted because I wanted to hold onto the relationship. But why was I trying so hard to salvage something that was already dead?"
"Y-you don't know that for sure"
"No Audrey, I do. This relationship was doomed to fail. I just chose to ignore all the signs. I wanted to believe in love. I wanted to believe in us. But that clouded my judgement. Love and feelings are important in a relationship, but they're not everything. Sometimes, love just isn't enough a reason to stay. If I stay any longer, I don't know what else I'll lose. I think I've already lost so much of myself."
"You're right. You're completely right, Evie. But do you think this decision will make you happier?"
"I don't know if I'll be happier, but I know this is what I need to do"
The two of them hear the loud ringing of the doorbell and Audrey gets up to answer the door while Evie stays on the sofa. She takes another sip of the now lukewarm tea as she thinks about how things led to this point.
"Why Mal?! Why are you so distant when we're in public?! I've been so patient and dealt with this shit for years! What are you so scared of?! Put yourself in my shoes! Why can't you think about how I feel?!"
"You think I want to be like this?! You act like everything is so fucking easy! I'm not like you, Evie! God fucking damn it!! I've never been someone who's open to change and differences! I don't do affectionate! I do things at my own pace!"
"Don't bother with the excuses! You're perfectly fine with being close with Jay and Uma. You're only cold when it comes to me!" Evie shouts, all her years of pent up frustrations finally letting loose. She's dealt with this bullshit for years, but this was the final straw. All Evie did was talk about the prospect of marriage because Uma and Harry recently tied the knot. Mal couldn't even humor her and say maybe leave that topic for next time. She just flat out rejected the idea.
"Why do we even need to be married? It's just a piece of paper!"
Mal failed to realize that this wasn't just about marriage or that 'piece of paper'. This was about her fear of taking the world on with Evie. Evie scoffs and laughs as if Mal had just told a joke, although their relationship has basically been a joke all this time and Evie was the butt of the joke.
"Mal, were my expectations too big? Please tell me, did I expect too much out of you all these years?"
It was then and there that Evie finally opened her eyes that were blinded by love. Mal was perfectly okay with keeping Evie as a secret for the rest of her life.
The world didn't come crashing down on Evie at that moment. Her world was distorted and in ruins to begin with. Evie just finally saw the apocalypse that as it actually was.
Evie shakes her head and looks at Mal before getting up from their apartment couch.
"Wh-where are you going?" Mal asks, fearing the worst.
"I'm sorry Mal. I just can't do this anymore." Evie says one last time and grabs her car keys to leave that apartment.
"Evie, I'm sorry." A voice calls Evie and that ends her train of thought. It was the person she wanted and didn't want to see the most. There stood Mal with her usual pose of desperation to appease Evie. But no more of this. She's had enough and she knows deep down that Mal has had enough as well.
"I'll be in the kitchen if you need anything" Audrey tells her friend and makes her way to the kitchen to give them some privacy.
"Mal, why are you here?" Evie sighs, exhausted from everything.
"To make things right."
"No, Mal. You can't. You're just going to give me empty promises again and I'll have to pretend I'm okay even when I'm not until we inevitably have our next argument."
"It's not like tha-"
"Please just close your mouth and listen. You never could listen till the end. We’re the closest to each other, but you’re no better than a stranger to be honest." Evie stops to take a deep breath and continue.
"You couldn't even truly pretend to care. I stayed silent. I suffered in silence for so long. I allowed myself to be hurt because I wanted to stay with you. I want you to know that I love you. I love you Mal, but I also hate you. You're so heartless. I fucking hate you. I fucking hate that I love you. But worst of all, I fucking hate, no- I loathe myself. I despise myself for loving you. I am disgusted with myself for letting myself slowly die for a relationship that was already six feet under!" Evie admits, shaking from all the emotions that she's been overwhelmed by.
Mal stands there silently. The last time she remembers being this shocked by words was when Evie confessed to her over a decade ago.
It's only now that she's finally seen what she's done. What all her years of personal problems and issues with herself have caused. How much she has destroyed the person most important to her. For the first time after all these years, Mal realizes that Evie was always right. She clenches her fist and closes her eyes as reality sinks in. Nothing she can say or do will salvage this. And even if she could, she doesn't deserve it.
"You're right Evie. I can't fix any of this. I have caused you so much pain that no amount of apology can ever hope to make up for it. I let my own personal problems ruin what could have been a wonderful relationship. It's all on me. I should have never initiated this when I knew deep down that I was not going to be able to become what you not only need, but what you deserve. For that, I am so sorry. You deserve better. I wish I could have been the one to make you happy, but I have done nothing but hurt you." Mal says and bows her head deeply in remorse.
"I did take your kindness and love for me for granted. I made it seem like you were the one at fault when you have been nothing but supportive and understanding. I thought because you loved me, the other things should not have mattered, but I didn't think about my own actions or lack of actions. I allowed my personal biases to take a hold of me. I do not deserve your forgiveness nor do I have the right to even ask for it. But please know that I truly am sorry from the bottom of my heart." She finishes and could barely look at Evie. She didn't want to see all the pain she caused on such an innocent and sweet human being. If Evie cursed her very existence, it's what Mal deserved. She does not deserve any forgiveness or sympathy whatsoever.
But Evie surprises Mal once last time that she has always been the bigger person.
"....thank you. It really means a lot to me" Evie replies and genuinely smiles for the first time in a long time. Mal can't believe she had been given a chance with someone so amazing. The blonde wipes away her stray tears. She knows this is the end, they both know. And they owe it to one another and themselves to end things cleanly.
"I hope you will find someone who treats you right and actually deserves you." Mal tells Evie and gets closer to give her childhood friend a tight hug. Both of them knew that this was possibly going to be the last time they'll ever be this close to one another and neither of them wanted to let go.
"I love you, Evie" Mal mutters and tightens her grip on the other woman.
"...I love you too. I hope that one day you will be able to love yourself for who you are and be happy with someone. Please treat each other right." says Evie.
Mal breaks the hug and gives Evie one last look. She nods and leaves the house quietly before driving away. Leaving behind her lover, best friend and soulmate.
Evie lost her best friend and soulmate that day and gained a new stranger.