Chapter Text
He sat with his back to hers on his bed. Not quite back to back, but close enough to feel the tension in the air. They were still panting a bit, with sweat gleaming on their re-dressed skin. She sat quite still, the undershirt that he lent her hanging loose around her shoulders. She fiddled with a loose thread. Before she could twine the whole strand around her finger, his finger reached out to pull it loose.
"I'm glad you decided to stay," he said, treading carefully. This is new territory for them, after all. All those years spent in close proximity always played with the possibility of this. This.
"I'm sure someone has already jumped into my bed aboard the ship," she said lightly.
"You allow your crew into your quarters?"
"I don't keep secrets from my crew. I told them I'd be lost in Ketterdam tonight. Anyone is welcome to my room if I'm not using it."
"There's that Suli spirit," he replied with a small smirk.
She pivoted her body so that they now sat shoulder to shoulder. Body to body, separated by cotton shirts. So opposite of just ten minutes ago. She reached across to his hand and slid her fingers through his, looking directly into his eyes. His jaw clenched, but he held steady.
"How?" she asked, finally. The unspoken words out in the air.
He knew what she meant. He looked away from her and took in a breath. "I - met someone while you were away. It lasted about seven months. She's gone now."
Silence hung in the air.
"And you waited until now to say this?" she asked.
"Do you honestly think that I planned for what just happened - to happen?"
"I don't know see how that has anything to do with it," she said, tempter rising.
"Inej - you were gone for two years. I tried to move on. I didn't seek her out."
"You don't have to defend yourself. We were never together. I'm just getting my thoughts straight. I told you about Teddy. Why didn't you tell me about her? We must've sent each other 150 letters!" she demanded.
Kaz reflexively chuckled. He still couldn't take a guy named Teddy seriously, even though she did write to him about her short-lived romance with a deck hand about a year ago.
"I can't believe the guy's name was Teddy," he said.
"Yes, it was, and he helped me through a very lonely time when I first boarded that ship. I'm going to leave if you can't take this conversation seriously-"
Suddenly he was all words, spewing out of his mouth like a toddler eating pudding. "Her name was Lisha, she was Zemeni. She found me at the Crow Club and pursued me for about three weeks. Once you left, I- I felt off balance. I couldn't get my head on straight. Before I knew it, a year flew by. I still don't really know how I had found the resolve to just go for it with her, but I did. She saw the issues I had and didn't run. Miraculously, she didn't tell anyone either. Sometimes we'd see each other a few times a week, and other times I'd go a month without seeing her. It took - a lot."
A few more beats of silence.
"I'm glad you were able to find solace in someone, Kaz. Everyone needs that. Even you," she finally said.
"She reminded me of you," he replied, reaching his hand out to her again.
"What happened to her?" she asked, taking his hand, but still looking down. She had a feeling, but didn't want to jump to such a drastic conclusion. The Bastard of the Barrel didn't display his exploits. If someone found out...
"I think you can guess," he said, his face turning towards her.
"Kaz, how could you let that happen?" she swiveled her face to his, eyes wide.
"She's not dead. At least I don't think she is. A Dime Lion tracked us. I was so damn careful, I'm still angry at myself for letting it happen. My newest spider found out and let me know before any real damage was caused. I sent her away to a Tailor at one of the pleasure houses with two pockets full of kruge and a promise that I'd have someone watching over her and she'd never have to see me again," he said.
"So she's still in Ketterdam?"
"Not quite. My spider told me about two months ago that she left town. I can't blame her. She knew what she was getting herself into though, she was tough. I told you she reminded me of you," he said with another furtive glance in her direction.
"Was it love?" she asked.
He laughed a humorless laugh.
"No, it wasn't," he said.
More beats of silence.
"Well," she said, lying back on the bed. "I think we're on even ground, Brekker."
The moonlight was strewn across her face, her hair half way out of it's braid. He loved her. He stared at her laying on his pillow, incredulous to the image. If someone told him yesterday what would transpire tonight, he'd tell them to go choke on some Ravkan kvas.
"You're staring," she said, looking up at him.
"I still can't believe you're here," he said, still as a statue in the same spot on the edge of the bed that she just deserted.
"It does feel like a fever dream, doesn't it?"
He leaned down to kiss her lips, holding himself above her for a few seconds. He kissed her, lingering on her lips, hoping she didn't vanish.
Leaning up, she grabbed his neck and pulled him down to the bed, giggling a bit and sidling up to his ear.
"I've loved you all this time, I hope you know," she kissed his earlobe, his cheek, and plopped down to close her eyes. She didn't expect or need a response from him.
Thankful for the night, Kaz held back a blush and let a smile loose. That giggle will truly be his demise someday.
"Is that a real smile or do my eyes deceive me?"
He let the muscles in his cheeks pull his lips to a wider smile and kissed Inej, holding her in his arms, letting his actions do the talking. The first night of dreamless sleep in two years awaited the both of them.