Archive of Our Own

Chapter Text

Soonyoung is a perfectionist. He doesn’t like it when things don’t seem the way they should and often has an urge to fix whatever it is that’s nagging him. Of course, as irritating as it is to nitpick at things that already seem in order, it’s what makes him a great choreographer. Despite his strictness when he teaches his members a new choreography, the perfectionist inside him makes him pay attention to every little detail, every non-synchronicity, and in the end, it pays off. He hates leaving things unfinished and hates it more when his choreography is left incomplete.

So when he gets a text from Seungcheol asking him to come to the dorms immediately, he doesn’t think too much of it.

Ignoring his buzzing phone, he continues free-styling, hoping something would come up. As much as he wants to take a break from his overflowing mind, he needs to at least finish the choreography for the second verse or he’ll be unsatisfied.

Unfortunately, Seungcheol doesn’t seem to pick up on his intentions and continues making his phone buzz.

“Maybe you should answer it,” Minghao suggests, glancing at the obnoxious device. “It could be an emergency, hyung."

“Seungcheol-hyung knows better than to call me for an emergency,” Soonyoung replies. “He knows I’m not the best with those types of things. Remember last time?"

It had been a disaster, to say the least. He had been followed by three fansites with his managers on their way back to the company building. When they noticed what was going on, they immediately stopped the car in a dead-end and got out to confront the sasaengs. Soonyoung, although recovering from a dislocated shoulder, brought it upon himself to place a No Parking sign in the middle of the road so they couldn’t escape. However, despite his attempt, the driver saw an opening and made a break for it, and it almost resulted in him getting hit by the car. For the next few months, he never felt comfortable leaving somewhere unless someone was with him, and he never encountered the sasaengs again.

“I don’t think hyung would be calling you if he didn’t think you could handle whatever it is that he’s calling you for,” Chan spoke up, interrupting Soonyoung from the horrid memory.

The team leader sighs because the maknae does have a point. As if on queue, his phone rings, and Soonyoung finally gives in, irritated yet curious. He wipes his sweat away with a damp towel and picks up the call. “Hyung?"

“Jesus, Soonyoung,” Seungcheol sighs from the other line, sounding simultaneously relieved and worried. “I’ve been trying to reach you for the past ten minutes, and you still didn’t pick up."

“I was working on the choreography,” Soonyoung answers, clipped. “You know I won’t answer when I’m working unless―"

“Unless it’s an emergency that you can handle,” Seungcheol interrupts. “I know, so will you come back to the dorms? You’re the only one who knows how to deal with this."

“Stop being so cryptic, hyung,” Soonyoung frowns. He doesn’t like the way Seungcheol is talking. “If it’s urgent, tell me now."

He doesn’t mean to be disrespectful but usually, the 95-liners are capable of taking care of any emergencies within the group. For Seungcheol to tell him he’s the only one able to deal with whatever situation is going on right now means that someone is in need of cheering up or there’s a unit leader meeting he needs to attend. He’s pretty sure it isn’t the latter because surely, their manager would’ve told him so. That leaves someone needing to be cheered up, but who could possibly be needing him for that when he knows Seokmin and Seungkwan are free―

“Jihoon’s relapsing."

Soonyoung’s brain comes to a screeching halt.

Oh. 

That’s why.

Jihoon hasn’t had a relapse in five years, but Soonyoung remembers the first time it happened as clear as day. It had been a terrifying experience and he doesn’t think he can go through it again.

”―nyoung? Soonyoung, answer me,” Seungcheol demands. “I need you here. Don’t disappear on me."

“Sorry,” Soonyoung croaks and he doesn’t realize he’s gotten up to start packing his things with trembling hands. “Scale of one to ten?"

Seungcheol is quiet for a moment, which is not a good thing. Over the line, Soonyoung just barely makes out a sob in the background along with hushed voices, and his heart sinks knowing that it’s Jihoon, and he’s probably feeling absolutely horrible right now and he’s not there to take care of him.

Seungcheol still hasn’t responded, but Soonyoung doesn’t want to believe it’s that bad.

“I’ll be there in five,” he says instead, and hangs up.

“What happened?” Junhui questions, coming up behind Soonyoung worriedly.

“Jihoon’s relapsing,” Soonyoung explains, zipping up his duffel bag and shrugging it on his shoulder. He glances at the key in his hand. He doesn’t want to leave his team to do all the work, but he knows there are more important matters to attend to. He looks up, chewing on his lip. “Are you guys―"

“Just go, hyung,” Minghao insists, walking up to Soonyoung and squeezing his shoulder comfortingly. He must’ve sensed his worries. “Jihoon-hyung needs you right now. We can handle ourselves."

Junhui takes the key from Soonyoung. “As long as you keep us updated on how he’s doing, we’ll be fine. Send him our best regards."

“Don’t hesitate to call us if you need anything,” Chan adds, taking a swig from his water bottle. “We’ll make you proud, hyung."

Soonyoung feels his heart swell with affection. If he weren’t in such a dire situation right now, he’d probably cry. His team is incredible, but he has no time to say that. He’ll make it up to them later.

Instead, he smiles gratefully and says, “I trust you,” before hurrying out of the building.

“Jihoon? Jihoon, are you okay?"

A sniffle.

“I’ll go wake the others.” 

“Wait, don’t― 

A sigh.

“Jihoon, you can come out. There’s nothing to be scared of."

“No, don’t―don’t touch me."

“Okay, okay, I won’t touch you. Are you okay?"

“Just leave. Please."

The door opens.

“Jihoon? What happened? Is there something wrong?"

A sob.

“Jihoon-ah, tell us what’s wrong. Did you have a nightmare?"

“Get out. Just get out and leave me alone."

“Tell us what’s wrong.” 

A slap of the hand.

“Jihoon, calm down!"

Screaming.

“GET OUT! GET OUT, GET OUT, GET OUT! JUST LEAVE ME ALONE!"

“You can sleep with us, Soonyoung. We have a spare bed. We’ll check on him tomorrow."

The screaming fades.

When Soonyoung opens the door to the dorms, Seungcheol is already pacing nervously back and forth in the living room, chewing absentmindedly on his bottom lip. He doesn’t remember the last time he’s seen their leader so anxious and can’t help but feel a little apologetic. Poor guy must be scared out of his mind.

“Where is he?” he questions, setting his duffel bag aside as he slips out of his shoes.

Seungcheol’s head snaps up and there’s a look of relief on his face as his tense shoulders sag upon the dancer’s appearance. “He went to your room."

“Oh,” Soonyoung utters.

He doesn’t want to believe Jihoon went to his room because he wants to, because he’s willing to have Soonyoung take care of him. Some dark, traitorous part in his mind is telling him that no―Jihoon only chose his room because Soonyoung is the only one who knows how to deal with his relapses, not because he wants to.

His heart sinks at the thought, but he doesn’t have the time to act like a heartbroken teenage girl.

“The others are in there too,” Seungcheol interrupts his train of thought. “I wasn’t sure what to do."

Soonyoung tries not to let the annoyance show on his face.

It’s obvious Jihoon isn’t a people person. He often acts cold and aloof to those who try to get to know him, but he doesn’t mean to. He just gets anxious easily, and when Jihoon relapses, his anxiety increases tenfold when there are too many people around him. Soonyoung knows this, knows Jihoon feels like he’s being judged when he lets his emotions run vulnerable, and it’s worst since he’s become an idol as well.

He also knows Seungcheol means well and has good intentions in mind, but having their members in the same room as Jihoon when he’s relapsing is just a call for disaster.

He doesn’t say that though. He doesn’t want Seungcheol to feel more guilty than he already is.

“Has he had a panic attack yet?” Soonyoung asks instead, calmly.

“Um―" Seungcheol visibly swallows. “I―I’m not sure―"

“Was he sweating, trembling, or shaking? Was his breathing off? Did he look pale or flushed?"

Instead of speaking, Seungcheol nods. Soonyoung doesn’t blame him, he wouldn’t be able to think straight either if he wasn’t the one who knew how to deal with relapses.

“How long ago did it start?"

“Just before I called you,” Seungcheol answers shakily.

“Okay,” Soonyoung breathes out, running a hand through his hair. He tries to calm his racing heart as he makes his way to his room. “I’ll go check on him. Can you get Jihoon’s antidepressants from his room? The one labeled Zoloft."

As Seungcheol goes to grab the medicine, Soonyoung opens the door to his room quietly, and he’s hit with how tense and humid the atmosphere is.

At the sound of the door opening, everyone looks up and they all seem to relax collectively, much as Seungcheol had done earlier. Soonyoung appreciates their efforts and knows they have the best intentions in mind, but he knows that if he wants Jihoon to get better quickly, they can’t be in the same room. Fortunately, they all seem to understand because they get up and exit the room quietly.

Before Joshua and Jeonghan can leave, Soonyoung stops them.

“How’s he doing?” he asks softly.

“He’s stopped sobbing,” Joshua murmurs, looking back at the lump on the bed. “He’s still crying though. I’ve tried talking to him but he’s not responding."

“Did you see him take any medicine before he came here?"

They both shake their heads.

Soonyoung sighs but nods gratefully at them. “Thank you for watching out for him."

“Keep us updated. I’ll ask Mingyu to make some soup if Jihoon becomes hungry later,” Jeonghan murmurs, squeezing his shoulder as they exit the room.

Soonyoung silently shuts the door behind them before making his way to his bed. As he comes closer to the lump, he can hear the quiet sniffles and haggard breathing from underneath the blankets, and his heart breaks.

He can’t imagine how tired Jihoon is right now, how absolutely drained he feels going through something that’s been suppressed for five years now. If Soonyoung could take away Jihoon’s demons, he would, but he can only do so much.

Gingerly, Soonyoung reaches out and gently peels back the blankets, revealing a disheveled Jihoon. His brown hair is matted down with sweat and his cheeks are flushed pink, stained with tears. His chest is rising and falling unsteadily, unstable breaths leaving his lips as he trembles like a leaf. His eyes are wavering like they don’t know where to look, and they gleam with unshed tears at the sight of Soonyoung.

Despite wanting to frown at the sight, the older opts to smile instead. He knows Jihoon takes everything into account when he’s anxious and even the slightest movement can affect the way he thinks.

“Hi, Jihoonie,” Soonyoung murmurs as he pulls the blankets back more. “I’m here. Soonie’s here now, okay? Can I touch you?"

Jihoon doesn’t respond for a moment and seems to tremble more, so Soonyoung waits. He knows not to push Jihoon when he relapses, knows that it’ll only make him more anxious. These kinds of things take time, and Soonyoung’s learned that from the past, so after a few more minutes of waiting, he asks again.

“Can I touch you?"

This time, he barely makes out the nod Jihoon gives him. He reaches out and carefully brushes his fingers across Jihoon’s forehead, pausing to see if the latter would move away. When he doesn’t make any attempt to move, Soonyoung cards his fingers through his hair, not minding the sweat clinging onto his hand. It seems to relax the younger because he pushes his head against Soonyoung’s hand and closes his eyes.

Soonyoung’s heart flutters at that. It’s one of those rare times where Jihoon shows his affections and although it isn’t in the greatest of circumstances, he’ll cherish the moment all the same. He knows he won’t get another chance until the next blue moon.

If only, the same traitorous part of his brain whispers, if only he loves you as much as you love him―maybe then...

There’s a knock on the door, and Soonyoung blinks, realizing he’s gone too far into his head. He tries to push the last thought away, not wanting to become distracted from his objective as he glances at the door. Seungcheol must’ve come with the antidepressants.

He takes his hand away from Jihoon’s hair, but when he goes to get up, Jihoon’s hand shoots out to grab his wrist, eyes wide and teary. “Wait―please. Don’t go."

Something seizes inside Soonyoung.

He wants you to stay, his heart whispers.

He’s only saying that because he’s scared, his brain murmurs. He doesn’t really need you―

“I’m not going anywhere,” he soothes immediately in a pathetic attempt to stop listening to his thoughts. His hand comes up to card through the younger’s hair again. “I just need to get your medicine from Seungcheol-hyung."

“Oh.” Jihoon seems embarrassed by his actions, face flushing a lovely shade of pink. “I―uh, okay. I’m―I’m sorry."

When Jihoon releases his wrist, Soonyoung sees that his eyes have gotten teary again. The younger’s hand is shaking as he brings it up to his lips to bite on his nails, and in all the years Soonyoung has known Jihoon, he knows it’s a habit of his when the producer gets anxious. He mentally berates himself when he realizes it may have sounded like he was scolding Jihoon, and the latter had taken his tone into account in a negative manner.

The knock on the door comes back, but Seungcheol can wait.

“Hey, it’s okay,” Soonyoung murmurs, remembering to keep his voice gentle and light, as if he were to speak to a toddler. “I’m not mad, Jihoonie. I’m just going to get your medicine, okay?"

“Yeah,” Jihoon exhales shakily. “Yeah, okay.”

He’s not looking Soonyoung in the eye, which means his thoughts are starting to consume him, and that is not good. Once Jihoon falls into the dark hole, it’s hard to pull him out of it; Soonyoung’s learned that over the years whenever the younger had relapsed, and it was not a pleasant experience. Although he’s gained more knowledge on how to handle situations like this, it doesn’t make it any more easier.

“Jihoonie, do we need to do your breathing exercises?” he asks softly, kneeling down by the bed again.

It takes a few minutes for Jihoon to answer but when he does, he nods sluggishly and slowly sits up, holding his hand out weakly. Soonyoung’s lips curl up when he realizes Jihoon remembers their routine.

He grabs Jihoon’s hand in his, ignores the way his heart jumps at the contact and says, “Inhale through your nose for four. When I squeeze your hand, hold your breath for seven. When I squeeze again, exhale through your mouth for eight. You with me?”

When Jihoon nods, Soonyoung begins counting. He makes sure to count steadily, eyeing the way Jihoon’s chest moves along with the numbers. He doesn’t say anything about the continuous knocking on the door, knows it will only distract him.

It takes a while until the younger finally squeezes his hand back after a few turns, and Soonyoung knows it’s his way of telling him that he feels grounded.

“Okay?” he asks, just for precautionary measures.

Jihoon nods, holding eye contact for a moment before his gaze lowers to their intertwined hands. “Yeah. Thanks."

“I’ll be back in a bit,” Soonyoung reassures, trying to ignore the sinking feeling in his stomach as he takes his hand away.

He’s only trying to take care of Jihoon and be a good friend, nothing else to it.

You wish there was something else, his brain whispers again.

He shakes his head and gets up to answer the persistent knocking.

“Is he okay?” Seungcheol asks immediately when the door opens. “You took long, I thought something happened.”

It’s natural for him to be concerned, Soonyoung guesses. He’s watching out for Jihoon in his own way as the group leader, but also as his best friend. Soonyoung knows how nervous he is considering how frazzled he looks, his hair disheveled and eyes sunken. He’s holding Jihoon’s antidepressants and a glass of water in his hands.

“His anxiety was coming back so I had him do his breathing exercises, but he’s coming around,” Soonyoung answers quietly, taking the items. “Thanks for bringing these, hyung."

“Does―Does he need anything else?”

Oh, there it is. There, his urge to protect and care for Jihoon. Soonyoung has always felt like his own desires to take responsibility for Jihoon pales in comparison to Seungcheol. He and Jihoon have been friends longer than Jihoon and Soonyoung have. It makes the dancer self-conscious, knowing he’s not doing as much as the leader, knowing he and Jihoon have known each other longer. He can never compare to Seungcheol.

“He’ll be fine,” Soonyoung says shortly.

“Thanks for looking out for him,” Seungcheol says gratefully, squeezing the dancer’s shoulder. If he notices how clipped Soonyoung sounds, he doesn’t say anything about it. “Seriously, Soonyoung. I know I’m his best friend, but I’m not good at handling these types of things like you are. If I knew what to do, I wouldn’t have hesitated to do something. I don’t know what would’ve happened if I hadn’t called you, so thank you.”

The thought of Seungcheol taking care of Jihoon, pampering him and attending to his every need passes Soonyoung’s mind in a flash, but the idea makes him sick to his stomach.

They’d look good together, he thinks bitterly.

“You would’ve done the same thing, hyung,” is what he says instead, with what he hopes is a convincing smile. “Just doing what you would’ve done."

Seungcheol seems to be caught off-guard. “Right,” he says slowly. “Uh, right, yes. Still―thank you for taking care of him."

Soonyoung is reminded of the fact that the man in front of him is Jihoon’s first love, and as caring as he is, his gratitude leaves a sour taste in the back of his throat. It feels like he’s being thanked for being Seungcheol’s replacement, for acting when he couldn’t, for being option number two―which, he does want Seungcheol to think, wants the leader to trust him, but not under the circumstances where Jihoon is involved.

“No worries, hyung,” Soonyoung says kindly. “I’ll―I’ll let you know if I need anything.”

He feels tired of constantly having to fight himself. He needs to attend to Jihoon. He needs to stop being selfish.

Seungcheol pats his shoulder and Soonyoung takes it upon himself to close the door and go back to caring for Jihoon, setting the antidepressant bottle and the glass of water on the bedside table for later.

At least, he thinks as he walks back to his bed, if Jihoon chooses to love Seungcheol, he’s not gonna love an asshole.

When he glances at Jihoon, the latter has his eyes closed, and Soonyoung knows he’s asleep. He feels a smile curl on his lips as he sits by the side of the bed, careful not to disturb the younger.

He hates to wake Jihoon up, especially when he still must be so exhausted from earlier, but Soonyoung knows he needs to eat before they call it a day. Granted, Mingyu hasn’t come in with the soup, so he lets Jihoon sleep for a few minutes and allows himself to relax, eyes closing.

He opens the door.

Pause.

“Jihoon? How are you feeling?"

“Like shit. You can, uh, come in. It’s okay. I’m sorry for, uh, all the screaming earlier."

“Can I sit?"

“Yeah, go for it.” 

A sigh.

“I, uh, I didn’t mean to kick you out earlier. It’s just...I get―I get nervous when there’s―"

“A lot of people in your space?"

“Uh...yeah. You―You know?"

“My sister―she had panic attacks when we were younger, maybe three or four times a month? It was―It was bad, but she learned how to cope with it as she got older. I watched our parents calm her down so I learned a lot about how to help her deal with it. When they were out and she had a panic attack, I’d be the one helping her."

“Oh. That―That must be nice."

“...You never had someone to help you through it?"

A shaky exhale.

“I―I always had to deal with it alone. I don’t have any siblings to help me through it. My parents didn’t know what to do. They always made it worse, like, uh―like earlier."

“Can I ask you about it? I want to help you next time it happens."

“You...You want to help me?"

“Of course. I can’t imagine how hard it must be for you, especially when there’s nobody to help you. I want to be that person you can rely on."

He shakes his head.

“I don’t want to burden you. You already have so much on your hands, with you being the choreographer and all. I’ll feel guilty if you can’t handle it."

“I’m doing this because I care about you."

Blush.

“You’re suffering already as it is. You look like you haven’t slept at all. I want you to tell me how you’re feeling. I want you to share your pain with me, no matter how big or small it is."

Pause.

Small smile.

“Okay. What do you want to know?"

A knock on the door is what causes Soonyoung to wake up. His back is aching from the position he’s been sitting in, but it’s a small price to pay for Jihoon’s comfort.

When he cranes his neck to look at his alarm clock, he realizes he’s only been asleep for fifteen minutes. Turning his head further, he notices Jihoon is still asleep, expression peaceful. As much as he’d like to admire the younger, the knock on the door comes again.

“Coming,” he calls softly, getting up on his feet and twisting his body, feeling satisfied when he hears a series of cracks.

When he opens the door, Mingyu is holding a tray of kimchi fried rice, kimchi kongnamul guk, crackers, and banana milk.

“How is he?” the tall puppy asks, looking past Soonyoung to catch a glimpse of his other hyung. “Is he feeling okay?”

Jeonghan or Joshua are usually the ones who check up on the members. Despite their despicable behavior when it comes to teasing their members, they’re the ones who act most like protective siblings―but Mingyu, although he’s younger than most of his members, is a close second. He pays attention to the group’s overall mood and likes to fuss over his members.

“He’s sleeping right now,” Soonyoung answers, opening the door wider. “Here, come in. You can set it on my dresser."

Mingyu nods respectfully and quietly makes his way inside, setting the tray on the said dresser. He’s careful not to make much noise.

“Thanks for cooking, Gyu-ah,” Soonyoung says quietly, shutting the door silently behind them.

“Yeah, of course, no problem,” Mingyu says easily, then reaches up to scratch the nape of his neck. “Uh, are you, by any chance, sleeping here tonight?"

Soonyoung blinks in confusion. “This is our room,” he says, although it sounds more like a question. “Of course I’m going to sleep here.”

“I know, hyung.” Mingyu’s lips curl up in amusement. “I mean, I’m just saying, if you want, you can sleep on my bed. I don’t mind. Plus, I’ll get to cuddle with Wonwoo-hyung tonight if I sleep in his shared bedroom with Jihoon-hyung. I think Jihoon-hyung will sleep easier if you’re the one in the room with him."

Soonyoung feels his heart soften. Despite being a tall giant, Mingyu’s always been a marshmallow when taking care of his members. Soonyoung feels grateful for having an understanding dongsaeng and he knows that if he ever feels the need to take a break from the stress, Mingyu is one of the members who will gladly welcome him with open arms.

He doesn’t say that though, but he pulls Mingyu into a hug and hopes the younger gets the message. When he pulls away, there’s a smile on Mingyu’s face.

“I’m just going to get my pajamas then I’ll leave you two alone,” he says, squeezing Soonyoung’s shoulder.

As Mingyu walks to his side of the room, Soonyoung takes it upon himself to wake Jihoon up so he can eat. He walks up to his bed and sits down on the bedside carefully.

“Jihoonie, wake up, you need to eat,” he murmurs, patting the younger’s thigh gently.

Jihoon shifts slightly, his face scrunching up in discomfort, but he doesn’t wake up. Soonyoung is reminded of how heavy a sleeper he is, so he pats his thigh again. Under any other circumstances, Soonyoung would’ve allowed Jihoon to sleep in, but he needs the younger to regain his strength physically, mentally, and emotionally.

Jihoon’s eyes flutter slowly and he lets out a noise of confusion as he slowly rouses from his slumber. It takes a few minutes for him to be fully awake, but when he is, he shoots up from the bed. His eyes widen with confusion as his head swivels back and forth, distorted. His once steady breathing begins to shorten as his fingers clench on the blankets around him and Soonyoung has a split second to think, fuck , when Jihoon and Mingyu make eye contact.

The youngest looks mildly alarmed when Jihoon’s gaze lands on him, and if the producer were to have his guitar with him, Soonyoung would’ve laughed. However, he knows the general idea of what Jihoon must be thinking the moment he sees Mingyu and it runs along the lines of oh no, he’s seen me crying and now he’s gonna judge me for it or now he knows how weak I really am.

Before Soonyoung can do anything, Jihoon bursts into tears and scoots back, and oh no, he’s about to fall off―

Soonyoung is quick to catch him, heart in his throat as Jihoon falls back into his arms. He exhales slowly as he carefully places the younger back on the bed again, propping him up against the headboard.

That was too close, he thinks.

The latter’s head is still turned to the side, trying to catch a glimpse of Mingyu, and Soonyoung notices the rapper hiding behind the bed. The youngest must’ve known what had triggered Jihoon, and Soonyoung is once again grateful for having such an understanding dongsaeng.

“Hey, hey,” Soonyoung shushes softly, raising a hand to gently bring Jihoon’s face towards his. “Relax. It’s okay, Jihoon. You’re in my room, remember? Look at me."

“But―Mingyu―” Jihoon stutters, and he sounds choked. His eyes are watering again. “Mingyu―He’s―"

“Look at me, Jihoon,” Soonyoung says firmly, cradling the younger’s face between his hands. “Listen to my voice, okay? Focus on me. There’s nothing to be afraid of. Mingyu came in to bring you food. He’s not going to judge you, okay? He’s our friend; he’s not going to hurt you. You’re okay.”

Jihoon sniffs as he locks eyes with Soonyoung. He’s breathing deeply as tears roll down his flushed cheeks, so Soonyoung carefully brushes them away with his thumbs, keeping a gentle smile on his face.

The sight of Jihoon being afraid breaks his heart and maybe one day, just one day, Soonyoung will help him learn that it’s okay to be vulnerable. It’s okay to trust others.

Somewhere in the background, there’s a click of the door, and they both know Mingyu has left. They don’t pay attention to it, continuing to stare into each other’s eyes. Soonyoung lets his hands drop from Jihoon’s face, instead letting them settle on his knees. Jihoon’s eyes are rimmed red, but he looks calmer, albeit just a little shaken up.

”Good?” Soonyoung murmurs.

Jihoon nods, holding eye contact as he sniffs again. “Good,” he whispers back.

”Feel like eating?”

Jihoon nods again, and Soonyoung gets up to retrieve the tray of food Mingyu left earlier. He brings it over and sets it carefully on top of the blankets just by Jihoon’s legs before taking a seat on the bedside by his waist.

“Mingyu cooked kimchi fried rice and kimchi kongnamul guk,” Soonyoung says lightly, gesturing to the tray. “There’s also crackers and banana milk. Seungcheol-hyung dropped off your medicine and a glass of water when you’re done.”

Jihoon nods hesitantly as he stares at the tray. He’s fumbling with his fingers and he almost looks...shy.

“Um,” the producer whispers, unable to look Soonyoung in the eyes as he says his next few words. “Can you—maybe you can, um—it might sound weird—you don’t have to but, uh, can you—if you want, can you...feed me?”

Soonyoung feels his heart burst with affection at Jihoon’s request.

Jesus, he’s so adorable, he thinks to himself, squealing internally.

He almost doesn’t believe what he’s hearing, and it isn’t until Jihoon’s looking up at him shyly, chewing on his bottom lip does he realize he hasn’t said anything.

The younger seems to deflate slightly at the silence. “Sorry,” he says quietly, and there’s a lovely pink blush on his cheeks. “That was—sorry, just forget I—”

”No, no!” Soonyoung exclaims, and at Jihoon’s startled look, he composes himself, clearing his throat awkwardly. It’s not everyday he gets this kind of opportunity, and he’ll be damned if he doesn't take it. “Sorry, I just—sure, yeah, I’ll—I’ll feed you. What do you want to eat first?”

Jihoon eyes him for a moment, and then he’s smiling shyly. “Um, the kimchi kongnamul guk, please,” he says.

Soonyoung needs to calm down, but Jihoon is really testing his heart right now. “Okay,” he croaks weakly, but he’s matching the same smile as he grabs the soup off of the tray. “One kimchi kongnamul guk coming right up!”

Jihoon opens his mouth, and when Soonyoung directs the spoon to his mouth, he can’t help but create the airplane noises that his eomma would make when he was a baby. He wants to make Jihoon smile and wants to hear him laugh. It seems to work to his favor, because Jihoon’s giggling as he chews on the bean sprouts, shaking his head at him.

”Cracker?” Soonyoung offers, holding the biscuit out.

When Jihoon takes the cracker into his own hand, he tries to hide his disappointment of not being able to feed him. However, he’s pleasantly surprised when the younger nudges the cracker against his lips.

”You should eat too,” Jihoon mumbles. “I’ll feel guilty if I’m the only one eating.”

Soonyoung’s heart flutters again as he opens his mouth. Jihoon slides the cracker in, looking satisfied when he starts chewing.

He’s just being a good friend, Soonyoung’s brain whispers. Like you are to him.

He shakes his head to clear the thought away, and when Jihoon looks at him in confusion, he’s quick to cover up with a whine, “Jihoonie, I’m the one supposed to feed you, not the other way around.”

Jihoon smiles again, but nonetheless, he opens his mouth when Soonyoung feeds him another spoonful.

It takes a while, but when he finishes chewing on the bean sprouts, he asks softly, “Why don’t you...tell me how the choreography’s coming along?”

”I don’t think I should tell you,” Soonyoung teases lightly, but inside, he’s worried he’ll overwhelm Jihoon by talking so much. He knows he’s not exactly the quietest person in the world and he can talk for hours on end. “I don’t want to give any spoilers so soon.”

”Oh.” Jihoon’s shoulders deflate and his eyes lower. “Not even for me? I let you listen to my demos though.”

Soonyoung absolutely hates how weak he is. He hates how sad Jihoon looks, like a child being told that they can’t have candy. He feels guilt consume him, knowing that Jihoon is right—does let him listen to his demos first, and what does he give him? Nothing.

It’s only because you’re the choreographer, his brain supplements unhelpfully. He knows you work as soon as he’s done. He just doesn’t want you to hold the group back.

”...Soonyoung?”

He snaps out of his thoughts. When he focuses his attention on Jihoon again, the younger is fumbling with his hands and gnawing on his lip.

I’ve spaced out again , Soonyoung thinks guiltily. Jihoon deserves better. How can I keep taking care of him if I only make him anxious?

“Um, I—I didn’t mean to—sorry,” Jihoon apologizes softly, sounding painfully awkward. “You don’t have to tell me if you don’t want to.”

Soonyoung’s heart squeezes. The guilt in his chest grows bigger, sinking its claws deep and pulling downwards. “No, don’t apologize,” he says, albeit a little hastily. He clears his throat. “Sorry. I just—have a lot of things on my mind at the moment. It’s not your fault.”

Jihoon doesn’t seem convinced by his statement, but he doesn’t say anything. Instead, he nods slowly, and the fumbling in his fingers slow down. “Um, if you want,” he begins hesitantly. “You can...talk to me about it. I—I'll listen to you.”

At that moment, Soonyoung has never felt such a strong urge to open his mouth and let everything out. He wants to confess his feelings. He wants to tell him he doesn’t deserve him. He wants to talk about how jealous he is of Seungcheol, of his friendship with Jihoon, of how long they’ve known each other compared to his own friendship with him. He wants to tell Jihoon that he deserves all the love in the world, wants to tell him that it’s okay to be vulnerable, to love without fear.

Most of all, he wants to tell Jihoon how much he loves him, how his world doesn’t exist without him, but he can’t because —

“It’s okay, Jihoon. I don’t want to bother you with my nonsense,” he says with a smile. Just like that, his urge begins to dissipate into a pile of nothingness, and he’s once again left with a skeleton of regret. Quickly, he adds, “Besides, who’s going to tell you all the choreography spoilers then?”

Nice save, Soonyoung, he thinks to himself.

Just like that, Jihoon brightens up. Soonyoung’s heart squeezes at the sight, and he can only hope he’ll be able to keep that smile up for longer.

A grin.

“Is there anything you don’t want me to do when you relapse?"

“Well...Earlier, when you tried touching me―don’t do that. I’d―I’d  prefer if you ask first. If I say no, just wait for a while and I’ll probably change my mind. I’m usually looking for comfort, but it’s―I panic more when someone touches me without permission."

A nod.

“Ah, okay. I’m sorry about that."

“No, no, you didn’t know, it’s fine. Uh, one more thing. If I fall asleep, don’t wake me up unless I need to eat or I have a nightmare. I kind of―sleeping is one of my few escapes and it―it feels really therapeutic for me, other than producing music, so don’t wake me up even if I’ve slept through the whole day."

A laugh. 

“Okay, noted. Is there anything else?" 

“Um, it’s not a you thing, but I can’t have a lot of people in the room if I―if I fall back. At max, I’d say three people is okay, but any more than that, I’d just feel anxious  again."

“Okay. Do you do anything unusual during or after your relapse?"

“Unusual?"

“Yeah, you know, like―do you tend to be more of this or more of that."

“Oh, uh, I guess...I tend to be more indecisive."

He licks his lips.

“If you ask me what I want to eat, I most likely won’t be able to give you a clear answer, so it’s best if you decide for me. Uh, I also―tend to be more affectionate."

He raises his eyebrow teasingly.

“More affectionate, huh?"

“Shut up. Affectionate as in I won’t call you any names or push you away if you try to hug me. It’s not like I’m going to be the one initiating the contact."

A hum.

“Okay, Jihoonie. Whatever you say."

A scowl.

“Just because I’ll be more affectionate does not mean I won’t hesitate to make your job harder in the studio if you keep teasing me."

A nervous laugh.

“Noted."

Jihoon shakes his head when Soonyoung raises the spoon to his lips. “I’m full."

“Okay,” Soonyoung says simply and doesn’t force him to eat anymore. “Go take your medicine. I’ll just go to the kitchen and wash the plates.”

He won’t say it out loud, but he’s a little surprised at how much Jihoon’s eaten. The younger can barely finish half his meal when he relapses, but his withdrawal symptoms seem to be doing him wonders.

“Oh, okay,” Jihoon says softly, and he deflates a little like he was expecting something. Soonyoung doesn’t know why, but he almost looks disappointed.

“I’ll be back in a bit,” Soonyoung says. He gets off the bed and grabs the tray, then smiles gently at Jihoon. “You can use the bathroom and get ready for bed. I have some clothes you can use unless you want me to go grab your clothes from your room; that’s totally fine too.”

”No, no, it’s—” Jihoon flushes lightly as he nods shyly at Soonyoung. “It’s fine, I’ll use your clothes. Um, are you—are you gonna sleep here? I can go back to my room. I—I’ve already inconvenienced you enough."

There it is, Soonyoung. He doesn’t want to be with you anymore. He’s tired of you, a small part of Soonyoung’s brain chides. He swallows hard as another part whispers, but what if he’s giving you a chance to back out from his offer?

Soonyoung shakes his head and says, “It’s okay. I really don’t mind if you sleep here. Mingyu offered to switch places so he’ll sleep in your room for tonight. I’ll sleep on his bed and you can stay here.” Then, without thinking, he adds, “Um, Mingyu said you might feel more comfortable if I’m in the room anyways.”

As soon as the words leave his lips, he mentally slaps himself. The last part was completely unnecessary. He doesn’t want to give himself false hope for having the mentality that Jihoon might like him too.

Jihoon’s looking at him in surprise, but Soonyoung doesn’t want to think the expression on his face looks relieved, and just slightly embarrassed.

”Oh,” he says softly, and the blush on his cheeks turns darker. “Oh, uh, okay."

“Do you...not want to?” Soonyoung asks, hoping the disappointment in his voice wouldn’t be noticed. He clears his throat awkwardly. “It’s okay if you want to go back to your room too. I’ll just let Mingyu know—"

“No, it’s okay,” Jihoon says quickly. He’s fumbling with his fingers again. “I’ll sleep here, if—if that’s okay."

“Yeah,” Soonyoung breathes, and the tray in his arms starts to feel heavier. “Yeah, uh, you can. It’s fine. I’ll just go to the kitchen for a bit. Don’t forget to take your medicine.” He starts walking to the door. The tense air between them is suffocating and he knows if he stays any longer, he’ll snap.

“Yeah, okay. You do that. I’ll just—“ Jihoon points a thumb to the bathroom, smiling awkwardly.

Soonyoung nods and opens the door, closing it shut behind him. He inhales deeply, tries to calm his pounding heart.

We’re never usually this awkward, he thinks to himself, chewing on his lip as he heads for the kitchen. He sets the tray down on the counter and massages his aching arms. Jesus Christ, what is happening to me?

“I could smell the tension from my room,” a voice speaks up, and Soonyoung startles, looking up. “What happened in there?"

“Wonwoo,” Soonyoung breathes at the sight of his best friend. He relaxes as he starts putting the plates in the sink. “What are you doing up? I thought everyone fell asleep already."

“Everybody’s still up and in their rooms, but nobody wants to come out in case Jihoon decides to walk around,” Wonwoo says casually, sitting down on the stool across from Soonyoung. “A little birdie told me what happened in your room, said you guys got intimate.”

”It’s Mingyu, isn’t it?” Soonyoung sighs, and the younger nods. He flushes slightly at the last part as he starts scrubbing the dishes. “I wouldn’t say intimate. Jihoon had a mini panic attack when he saw Mingyu in the room, so I had to distract him before it got worse."

“So you decided to caress his face, hold eye contact for who knows how long and brush away his tears?” Wonwoo questions sarcastically. “Not to mention, you two probably had no more than three inches of air between you. I’d say that’s pretty intimate."

Soonyoung scowls, but the flush on his face intensifies. “Can you not? I’m just trying to take care of him so he’ll feel better by tomorrow and everyone else won’t have to treat him like he’s glass. Besides, Jihoon couldn’t stop trying to look at Mingyu, so I had him look at me instead."

Wonwoo raises his hands, but he has the decency to look apologetic. “I didn’t mean to tease you. I’m just saying—maybe it’s time you should confess to him."

“And then what?” Soonyoung retorts. He starts rinsing the dishes, his movements just as projecting as his tone. “Have him get all anxious again? Let our—our nine—almost ten years of friendship go to waste? Have him not be able to see me the same way? Just forget it. Stop telling me to confess."

Wonwoo looks just as annoyed as Soonyoung. “You’re talking about Jihoon as if you know what’s going to happen if you confess. You, of everyone else here—even Seungcheol-hyung—should know best that Jihoon can handle himself fine. Sure, he gets anxious easily, but he deals with it every day. If anything, he’s the strongest out of all of us, and you should know that."

“This is not about Jihoon’s anxiety—"

“No,” Wonwoo agrees immediately. “This is about your anxiety to tell him your feelings. Do you think Jihoon’s gonna be such an asshole to throw ten years of friendship between you two away? Have you thought—even just for a second—that maybe he feels the same way? You’re talking like you know how he feels but you don’t know. You’re projecting onto him with your own feelings."

“And you think that maybe he feels the same way?” Soonyoung asks sarcastically as he dries the dishes. “As you said earlier, I’m talking like I know how he feels, but you know as much as I do—you don’t know either, so forgive me for being a coward and not wanting to fragment our relationship."

“It wouldn’t kill you to try, would it?” Wonwoo asks angrily, slamming a hand down on the counter. Soonyoung doesn’t flinch; he’s had one too many quarrels with his best friend to know he wouldn’t hurt him.

“It wouldn’t, but it’s my fucking decision. Drop it, Wonwoo,” Soonyoung says steely, teeth gritting as he stows the dishes into a cabinet.

He’s irritated, not because Wonwoo won’t drop the topic, but because he knows the best places to push his buttons. They know everything about each other, so it’s only natural that Wonwoo uses it to his advantage—for the greater good, Soonyoung doesn’t know. He just wants it to stop.

“You’re being selfish, Soonyoung.” Wonwoo clicks his tongue. He levels the dancer with an even glare. “What about Jihoon’s decision? What if he’s waiting for you?"

“Well, he should stop waiting for me,” Soonyoung snaps. “He’s only going to end up hurt."

Although he’s angry, he remembers they’re not exactly talking in a private area. All the doors are closed, but they’re not soundproof. There’s a possibility their members—even Jihoon—can hear what they’re saying. He tries to calm down, inhaling deeply and pinching the bridge of his nose as he closes his eyes. He can only hope that they were quiet enough to be heard as mumbles through the doors.

“You think you’re going to hurt him?” Wonwoo’s voice is low, much softer than a few seconds ago. He must’ve noticed how loud they were becoming too.

Soonyoung sighs and opens his eyes. He purses his lips as he leans against the counter. “Jihoon deserves better, more than I can give him. I’m just his friend, nothing more. I’m only helpful to him in situations like these. We’re not—“ He swallows hard. The next words are hard to get out, and it leaves a sour taste in the back of his throat. “We aren’t meant for each other."

It’s quiet for a moment, and when Soonyoung glances at Wonwoo, the latter looks indifferent. He tries not to flinch, but Wonwoo’s poker face has always been amazing.

“Who do you think you are,” Wonwoo begins, and his hands are clenched into fists, fire raging in his eyes. “Who do you think you are to decide for Jihoon who he wants to be with?"

“I wasn’t deciding for him. Jihoon deserves—"

“Jihoon,” Wonwoo cuts him off sternly, “is a person. He can make his own decisions, regardless of his anxieties. He has the right to decide who he wants to be with, even if it’s someone who doesn’t think they’re meant to be together. It’s his choice, and you’re being unfair to take that away from him."

“That’s not—"

“Give him a chance, Soonyoung,” Wonwoo says firmly, gaze unrelenting. It makes Soonyoung want to shrink into himself. “If you’re not willing to try, then maybe you’re right; you two aren’t meant for each other."

Soonyoung can’t look him in the eye, even as Wonwoo fixes him with one last glare before storming out of the room. There’s a slam of a door not too long later and he knows Wonwoo’s really angry this time.

He hates fighting with Wonwoo, absolutely despises it when they do. More often than not, their argument always ends up with Wonwoo leaving and Soonyoung realizing that maybe he’s right (after pushing his deflated ego aside.) This time isn’t any different, and he feels horrible. He feels guilty and regretful, but he knows Wonwoo needs time to cool off before he apologizes.

He sighs. He needs to get back to Jihoon.

“You wanna talk about what was bothering you then?"

“You mean three days ago?"

“Yeah."

A sigh.

“I just made it into a big deal. It wasn’t supposed to be so dramatic."

“Tell me. I told you it doesn’t matter how big or small the problem is. Besides, I don’t think we’re inspired right now, so might as well take a break."

A few piano notes. 

Silence.

“It was about Seungcheol-hyung."

“Seungcheol-hyung? What did he do?"

“It’s not something he did."

A sigh.

“It’s just that I’m stupid to like someone who only thinks we’re best friends."

Silence.

He opens his mouth.

He closes it again.

Painful.

A bitter smile.

“Stupid, right?"

“...You’re not stupid. It’s okay to feel how you’re feeling. We’ve all had unreciprocated feelings at some point in our lives. It’s kind of natural at this point."

“You sound like you like someone."

A laugh.

More piano notes.

A nervous chuckle.

“I guess."

Quiet.

More piano notes.

“Are you done with the choreography sketch? I’ve got a general idea for the music."

“Oh, uh, not yet. I’ll get there."

When Soonyoung enters the room again, Jihoon has just emerged from the bathroom and fuck. What the fuck.

Jihoon looks up and they both freeze when they lock eyes. A few seconds later, his face is rapidly turning red as he clutches the towel tighter around his waist.

Soonyoung needs to remind himself that ogling someone is inappropriate, much less someone who’s your friend and he struggles to keep his eyes on Jihoon’s face.

”Uh,” he croaks as he feels his own cheeks heat up. His tongue feels heavy.

“I’m sorry!” Jihoon squeaks, and his arm flies up to cover what he can, but he fails miserably. “I just—I figured I should take a shower, so I did but then I—I realized I didn’t grab clothes so—“ He gestures weakly to Soonyoung’s dresser, embarrassment clear on his face.

“Right, um.” Soonyoung’s voice cracks. “I’ll—I’ll grab them for you. Did you—Did you take your medicine?"

Jihoon seems grateful for the change in subject and he eagerly nods. “I did."

Soonyoung turns and robotically walks to his dresser, fishing out a large oversized shirt and some plaid flannel bottoms. “That’s—That’s good. Here. Uh, the pants might be a little big on you, but it’s comfortable. You can use the bathroom first, I don’t mind.”

“Okay, uh, thanks,” Jihoon says sheepishly. “I won’t take long." As soon as the clothes are in his hand, he quickly runs back into the bathroom and slams the door shut.

Soonyoung releases a breath he didn’t know he was holding. He falls backward onto his bed and stares blankly at the ceiling. The image of Jihoon’s abs crosses his mind, but it flashes as quickly as it comes and he can’t help but groan, rubbing his eyes.

Get it together, Kwon, he scolds himself. Jihoon is your friend. Stop being inappropriate.

In an attempt to get his mind off of Jihoon, he grabs his phone and creates a group chat.

You have added  Leader-nim, Jeonghannie-hyung <3, ShuaShuaShua,  and eight other people to the group chat.

You have named the group chat Jihoon’s Recovery.

Soonshine
Jihoon’s in the bathroom right now, so I thought I’d update you guys before he
comes back.

Jeonghannie-hyung <3
How is he??

Minnie  
Is hyung okay? :( He was crying a lot earlier, I got worried...

Soonshine 
he’s getting there, much quicker than last time

Beanstalk  
I’m sorry for earlier, hyung ㅠㅠ

Soonshine
no worries, gyu. It’s not your fault, don’t beat yourself up for it.  

Proud Maknae
what happened? 

Soonshine
Jihoon had a mini panic attack when gyu came into the room to grab his
clothes 

Leader-nim  
Is he okay? I thought it was weird when Mingyu ran across the dorm.

Beanstalk
Hyung... ㅠㅠ

Soonshine
he’s fine now. I had him eat after so he can regain his energy

Boo Seungkwan
Do you think he’ll be okay to come out tomorrow? I wanted to cry myself
when I saw him like that ㅠㅠㅠ 

Jeonghannie-hyung <3
Same here, my poor Jihoonie ㅠㅠ

Soonshine
with how he’s doing so far, I’d say he’ll be ready to see you guys tmrw.
Just don’t overwhelm him or he’ll fall back again

Gemini Twinnie
So that means no parties or hugs? ㅠㅠ

Haohao
Are you serious? Jihoonie-hyung doesn’t even like parties or hugs

Boo Seungkwan
Not unless he’s the one initiating it. 

Soonshine
especially no parties. I’m not so sure about skin-ship just yet though.

Soonshine
btw Junnie if you guys are done with the choreography, can you send me
the video? I’ll learn it on my own later 

Gemini Twinnie
[video attachment]

Soonshine
thanks

ShuaShuaShua
It’s best not to touch him until a few days later, or at least until he lets us 
right? 

Woowoo
Try not to be too loud tomorrow either. It might trigger his anxiety again. 

Han(sol)dsome
I think it’d help if everybody just acts like it’s another normal day. I don’t
think he’d appreciate us asking about his relapse.

Soonshine
no don’t do that either, just treat him normally

Soonshine
don’t ask him if he needs help with anything unless he asks for it, just
be careful of your actions 

Leader-nim
thanks for looking out for him. I know I’ve said it fifty times, but really
soonyoung. thank you

Beanstalk
yeah hyung, you always know what to do

Jeonghannie-hyung <3
I don’t know what we could’ve done if you hadn’t come either

 

Soonshine
don’t thank me, you guys would‘ve done the same thing.

Proud Maknae
ㅋㅋ this hyung is always so humble ㅋㅋㅋ

Woowoo
sure, humble.

 

Soonyoung shuts his phone off, sighing. He knows what Wonwoo is thinking right now, but he doesn’t want to deal with him—not at this moment, at least.

I’m just trying to be a good friend, he thinks to himself, almost bitterly.

The door to the bathroom clicks and true to his word, a few minutes later, Jihoon comes out, fully dressed in the clothes given to him. Soonyoung’s heart leaps when he sees the bottom of the plaid flannel pants rolled up.

Cute, Soonyoung thinks.

Jihoon doesn’t look like the Jihoon five minutes ago, and he can’t help but feel relieved and disappointed at the same time.

Jihoon smiles shyly at him, gesturing to the bathroom. “All yours."

Soonyoung smiles back awkwardly and grabs his sleepwear, heading inside. He needs to clear his head, and he does so by taking his five-minute shower. Although five minutes seem short, it feels like an eternity, and it’s enough time for him to wrangle through the muddiness that is his brain.

He doesn’t want to think about what Wonwoo had said to him earlier in the kitchen, but he can’t help it. He knows his best friend has a point, knows that he is taking away Jihoon’s right to make a decision.

But, he thinks to himself, is it really that bad if all I want is for Jihoon to be happy?

He knows that once Jihoon gets better, they’ll be back to square one again, back to the love-hate relationship. He knows Jihoon will reject his affections like he always has, pay him no mind and they’ll be back to normal. However, somewhere deep down in his heart, a small part of him―a very small part of him is whispering that he has a chance—a chance to make their relationship blossom into something he’s always desired.

He knows he’s been in his head for too long when the water becomes lukewarm. He turns the handle off, grabs a towel and steps out. He dries his hair and pauses when he looks at his reflection.

He doesn’t want to take the risk, doesn’t want to confess and lose his friendship with Jihoon; he loves him too much. He’s stayed quiet about his feelings for almost ten years now, he’s not going to ruin it for him—for them. He doesn’t want to make the younger uncomfortable, doesn’t want him to feel like he’s forcing his feelings onto him. The thought of Jihoon being awkward with him and unable to look him in the eye crosses his mind, and he feels his chest tighten.

Maybe, his heart whispers meekly, maybe he likes you too. Maybe you’re meant to be.

He shakes his head as he proceeds to change into his sleepwear and brush his teeth. He doesn’t want to give himself false hope. He doesn’t want to expect anything to happen when he knows he’ll only end up as a humiliating mess of disappointment and hurt.

It’s better this way, he thinks painfully, Jihoon deserves better. He’ll find someone else, someone like—like Seungcheol.

He feels the heat surface behind his eyes but he blinks the tears away. He can’t cry now, not when he’s been doing so well. He waits for a moment, takes a deep breath and exhales slowly.

I can do this.

When Soonyoung finally exits the bathroom after a few moments, he’s surprised to see Jihoon still up. The younger is sitting up against the headboard, mindlessly staring at the wall. He looks to be deep in thought.

“Jihoonie?” he questions softly, not wanting to startle him. “What are you still doing up?” Good thing he isn’t on his phone.

The producer seems to snap out of his daze and looks up. “I couldn’t sleep,” he answers, and he looks shameful. “I thought I could considering I took a nap earlier...I don’t know. I feel tired, but my eyes won’t close."

Soonyoung purses his lips, coming around and sitting on Mingyu’s bed, facing the younger. “Are you thinking again?"

“...I guess.” Jihoon shrugs, eyes lowering.

When Jihoon thinks, half the time, it isn’t good and the other half of the time, his mind is busy thinking about lyrics and compositions. Soonyoung thinks it’s the former, considering the fact that Jihoon isn’t looking at him.

“Anxious?” he questions instead. “Do you wanna talk about it?"

Jihoon remains quiet for a moment, but after a few seconds, he shakes his head. “No, it’s fine,” he says, but he gives Soonyoung a small smile. “I’ve bothered you enough as it is. I...thank you, Soonyoung—y’know, for—for taking care of me and putting up with my—my...” He can’t seem to get the word out, but Soonyoung knows.

“You’re not a bother, Jihoon,” he says softly. He knows where Jihoon’s mind can go and tries his best to ease it. “You make it sound like taking care of you is a burden, but it’s not. I take care of you because I want to. I want to help you get better. You can’t help what you think and that’s not your fault. It’s okay to be anxious. It’s okay to feel scared, but your feelings don’t make you weak. Sometimes, it’s okay to be vulnerable and let your guards down. It’s okay to admit that you’re not okay, that you’re falling apart and you want people to help you. In the end, we’re not going to judge you or your situation. We’re all facing our own battles and we’re all going through different things. You’re not alone. You just face things differently, and that’s okay too. I just want you to know that no matter what, we’re always going to be here for you through thick and thin.”

Fuck, that was too much.

Jihoon’s staring at him now, and he has to refrain from looking away. He tries to focus on his breathing, as well as calm down his pounding heart.

Jihoon looks away first and Soonyoung tries to hide his disappointment as he apologizes, “Sorry. That was—that was a lot—"

”When you said you take care of me because you want to,” Jihoon cuts him off, looking down at his hands, “did—did you mean it? You don’t find me a...a nuisance?”

Soonyoung looks aghast, but he replies calmly, “I could never. You’re not an inconvenience, Jihoon. Nobody thinks that. You work hard for Seventeen, producing most of our songs and staying up all night to catch up with deadlines that’s like, two months away, and you struggle with anxieties simultaneously. If anything, you’re one of the strongest people I know, and to answer your first question, yes—I did mean it when I say it’s because I want to.”

Jihoon turns his head to look at him again, and there’s something in his eyes that makes Soonyoung’s heart flutter, but the latter is more focused on the bashful smile on his lips.

”Then...” Jihoon says shyly, and he’s fumbling with his fingers again. “Will you...sleep with me? Just until I fall asleep. It—It usually helps when I have someone next to me.”

Soonyoung feels like his soul has left his body and he’s reincarnated. He stares at Jihoon for a moment, not quite believing his ears.

There’s a chance, his heart whispers gleefully, this is a sign.

He snaps out of his thoughts when he realizes he hasn’t answered yet, and Jihoon’s beginning to look doubtful.

“Yeah, sure,” Soonyoung says automatically as he stands up. He tries to play it cool as if his heart isn’t doing somersaults in his chest. “Wow, sleeping on the same bed as Lee Jihoon, me? I’m so lucky.”

Jihoon weakly smacks him in the arm as the dancer slips in next to him. He looks embarrassed, but Soonyoung takes it as a good sign that he doesn’t look regretful of his decision. “Shut up, idiot. It’s—It’s just for tonight at least, and what are you going on about? We used to sleep in the same bunk when we were trainees. You make it sound weird.”

At least? Soonyoung’s heart sings. What does he mean by at least? Is there going to be a next time?

”Didn’t mean to,” Soonyoung huffs a laugh, making himself comfortable as he lies down. He can’t help himself when he asks, “Is this the part where we cuddle—”

Whatever he was going to say next becomes muffled by the force of a pillow, and Soonyoung can’t help but laugh when Jihoon continuously hits him over and over, face bright red as he growls, “I said shut up!”

”I’m just kidding!” Soonyoung cries, raising his arms up in an attempt to shield himself.

Jihoon stops after a few more hits, slightly panting as he shoves the pillow into the dancer’s face mercilessly. He huffs as he flops down next to Soonyoung, grumbling, “Goodnight, Soonyoung.”

Soonyoung laughs quietly, taking the pillow off of his face and placing it under his head. When he sees Jihoon’s back turned to him, he can’t help but smile as he echoes, “Goodnight, Jihoonie.”

He closes his eyes in an attempt to sleep, to stop his stupid heart from wishing for things that won’t happen, to stop his brain from giving him thoughts he shouldn’t be thinking about.

It’s just for tonight, he thinks to himself. After this, we’ll go back to normal. We’ll fall into the same routine.

When Soonyoung hears shuffling from his side, he thinks nothing of it. He imagines it’s just Jihoon trying to get comfortable sleeping next to him and he tries to quell another bout of disappointment in his chest. However, his eyes shoot open when he feels limbs wrap around him like a koala and a head rest on his chest. He looks down to see Jihoon hiding his face from view, but he knows his face is red.

“Just for tonight,” Jihoon whispers, and there’s no doubt he’s embarrassed.

Soonyoung doesn’t say anything, only wraps his arm around Jihoon comfortingly as he murmurs, “Just for tonight then.”

He feels something rise in his chest and he prays Jihoon won’t hear how fast his heartbeat is.

It’s not going to last long, his mind whispers. Tomorrow will go back to routine ways. He will never like you.

You have a chance, his heart fights back passionately. You have him in your arms. This is more than you could ask for.

I should cherish this moment, he thinks instead. I’ll never get another chance like this again.

When he snaps out of his internal fights, Jihoon is already asleep, judging by his steady breathing and how his once tense stature relaxes slowly. Soonyoung can’t help himself when he leans down and places a lingering kiss on the crown of his hair.

Maybe, he thinks. Maybe.

”Looks good. It looks perfect actually. We’d probably have to experiment more with the very beginning, but overall, good job."

“Thanks, noona. I’ll get started with the Shining Diamond choreography too as soon as we finish showing the group the choreography."

“Sounds good."

A smile.

“Well, if there aren’t any more concerns, I’m off for the day. I need to treat myself every once in a while."

A chuckle. 

"See you tomorrow, Hyerim-noona."

The door closes.

He starts walking to the studio.

Voices come from inside.

Pause.

“So does it sound good? I showed Soonyoung already, but I want your opinion on it too."

“My opinion? It sounds great as always, Ji. I can’t wait to hear what else you have in store. You’re going to be a great producer."

“You think so? Thanks...that―that means a lot, Cheol."

“Just being honest."

A shrug.

“We’re going to be great."

They smile at each other. 

A strike to his heart.

Painful.

He closes the door.

He walks away.

The group is in the kitchen and the living room the next morning by the time Soonyoung successfully escapes from Jihoon’s limbs. As much as he had wanted to stay in bed so as to not disturb the younger, his bladder had been yelling at him to get up and use the bathroom and it’s late morning, way past than when he usually wakes up. Regretfully, he has to listen because he surely didn’t want to pee himself, especially if Jihoon was next to him.

He had managed to get the younger’s limbs to wrap around one of his body pillows beforehand so he wouldn’t wake up confused, and he was able to do his morning routine without being much of a disturbance. It was a mission accomplished.

“Hyung.” Seungkwan smiles brightly at the sight of him from the kitchen. “Good morning, breakfast is almost finished."

Soonyoung nods in acknowledgment as he flops himself down on the couch next to Chan. However, he realizes his mistake when he spots Wonwoo sitting on the ground in front of Chan. The younger doesn’t look at him, but Soonyoung has a feeling that he still hasn’t cooled down from their argument last night. Fortunately, Wonwoo doesn’t say anything to him and continues to watch what’s on the TV.

“How’s Jihoon?” Seungcheol asks from the chair across him. The leader is leaning forward on his knees, biting on his thumb. “He’ll be ready to see us, right?"

”He should be,” Soonyoung answers quietly. “He’ll come out when he’s ready."

Of course, he thinks bitterly. I almost forgot.

He has to wrestle his envious feelings to keep a poker face. It’s his own fault, really, for falling for Jihoon when he shouldn’t have. Seungcheol isn’t to blame, and he feels guilty for trying to blame the elder for something he’s completely unaware of.

“What if he doesn’t come out?” Junhui asks unhelpfully. Minghao whacks his shoulder, an exasperated sigh leaving his lips.

“I’ll check up on him, don’t worry,” Soonyoung reassures. “He usually wants out the day after his relapse anyways, it shouldn’t be any different this time. He’s been doing good so far. So long as nothing else triggers him, he’ll be fine."

“Well, if it’s Kwon Hoshi-approved,” Jeonghan starts as he and Mingyu put ramen into bowls. “Maybe we can go out for dinner as a group and eat samgyeopsal. What do you think?"

Soonyoung shrugs. “It all depends on how Jihoon’s feeling, but I’m cool with it. You can go ask him. I can stay back with him if he doesn’t want to go."

“Look at you,” Wonwoo scoffs suddenly. “A professional at the University of Lee Jihoon."

Nobody catches the stiff undertone in his voice, but Soonyoung does. He can’t help but feel just a little annoyed because―okay, sure, Wonwoo is right most of the time, but he doesn’t need to rub the salt in the wound. Soonyoung knows―knows he’s in the wrong (as always), but if he doesn’t have his best friend’s support, then so be it.

“Shut up, Jeon,” Soonyoung says instead, and hopes their members will disregard their bickering as just their usual behavior.

It seems to work because the next thing he knows, Joshua is calling out, “Ramen is ready,” and the members are all rushing to grab their own bowl.

Just as Soonyoung stands up to grab his own bowl of ramen, the door to his room slowly opens. Everyone looks over to see Jihoon hesitantly stepping out, unable to look anyone in the eye. He still seems exhausted, but he looks relatively better than yesterday. He’s quiet as he awkwardly stands in place, and he seems to notice the quietness in the room.

After a few seconds, Soonyoung clears his throat pointedly and everyone snaps out of their daze. One by one, they begin a slow chatter that gradually begins to get back to the volume before, and Jihoon seems grateful, sending him a subtle smile that he returns. He grabs the two remaining bowls and walks over to the producer, handing him one.

“Good morning,” Soonyoung greets him, taking a seat on the same spot on the couch as before. “How do you feel?"

“Better,” Jihoon replies quietly, sitting down next to Soonyoung. “Thank you for last night and for―for doing all those things because I asked. You didn’t have to." He proceeds to shove ramen into his mouth.

“Like I said,” Soonyoung reminds him, “I do it because I want to."

Jihoon flushes lightly at that, but he turns to him with a shy smile, two strands of noodles hanging between his lips, and Soonyoung is absolutely weak. His heart does that stupid thing again where it leaps into his throat. He tries not to look affected, focusing on his ramen and eating hungrily. He knows he’ll do something he’ll regret if he looks too long.

“Jihoon-ah,” Jeonghan calls out softly. “Are you up for dinner with us tonight? Samgyeopsal.”

Jihoon tenses when his name is called but he relaxes immediately at the request. Soonyoung keeps a close watch, eyeing him from the corner of his eye as Jihoon responds quietly, “Sure, hyung.”

“Don’t worry, it’s on me tonight,” Seungcheol reassures, taking a seat on the armchair across from them. “We’ve all been working hard lately and besides, we won’t have a schedule started until a few days later. Why not try to enjoy our free time?”

Jihoon’s lips curl up subtly at that. “Yeah...yeah, that sounds...sounds good.”

The two share a smile, and Soonyoung feels the familiar twinge in his heart come back. The hope he felt from the night before crashes and breaks into a million shards, but he can only blame himself for being so naive. Seeing the two interact again, he feels a wave of envy wash over him. To think Jihoon might’ve actually liked him too.

You wouldn’t be experiencing all this pain if you hadn’t fallen in love with him, his brain whispers again. You’re so foolish to think you had a chance.

Soonyoung finishes his ramen quickly before the lump in his throat gets bigger and when he’s done, he gets up to wash his dish.

He doesn’t want to be here anymore. He’s suffocating seeing Seungcheol and Jihoon reunite, and as selfish as it seems, he can’t help it. Although the scene was wholesome, he can’t witness another moment of it or he’ll really start crying. How embarrassing would that be?

When Soonyoung finishes washing his bowl and looks up, he freezes. All of a sudden, he’s made aware of the blood rushing to his ears and the adoring whispers of his members as they stare at the scene before them.

Seungcheol and Jihoon had both gotten up from their seats and are now hugging each other. The leader’s hand is gently caressing the back of Jihoon’s head to his shoulder and he seems to be speaking softly to him. Meanwhile, Jihoon’s own arms have come up to wound loosely around Seungcheol’s back, his face hidden.

They’re meant to be, Soonyoung thinks to himself. We weren’t.

He feels empty, numb. He feels like he’s intruding. Something drops in his stomach at the sight and the lump in his throat returns.

Wonwoo’s wrong, he thinks, almost angrily.

He can’t blame Wonwoo though, not even as the darkness begins to cloud his vision. He wants to cry, wants to tell the world how unfair it is, to want something he can’t have. He needs to go, get out of the dorm. He needs to—needs to—

Soonyoung inhales shakily as he glances at the front door, where his duffel bag from yesterday still lies. He quietly shuffles to it and opens the zipper. An odd sense of relief flows through him when he sees he still has a spare outfit along with several protein bars and a half-empty bottle of water. He’d be able to go to the practice room. He won’t have to see the scene behind him, won’t have to witness Seungcheol and Jihoon bonding again. He’d be able to—to—

“Hyung?”

Soonyoung whips around to find Chan glancing down at him curiously. He’s peering inside the bag too and the older man has to refrain from shrinking into himself for being caught red-handed.

”What are you doing?” Chan questions. “You’re not going to the practice room, are you? Hyung, it’s our free time.”

The maknae’s loud voice seems to have caught the attention of several other members because they turn around to look at him in disbelief.

“Hyung, you need to rest,” Minghao says worriedly, coming up behind Chan. “You’ll get sick if you push yourself again.”

”Don’t worry about me,” Soonyoung dismisses with a wave of his hand as he hikes his duffel bag onto his shoulder. “I’ll be fine. Besides, I feel guilty for leaving you guys to work on the choreography yesterday. It’s only fair if I make up for the time I missed. Junhui sent me the video already. I’ll get started on it as soon as possible.”

”But hyung—” Minghao protests, only to be cut off when Wonwoo places a hand on his arm.

”Just go now so you’ll make it to dinner,” Wonwoo says, looking at Soonyoung.

He looks less angry now, understanding why he wants to leave so suddenly. Although they’re probably still on rocky roads, Soonyoung can’t help but feel grateful for the nth time for his best friend. He knows everything about Soonyoung, and this time is no exception.

“Yeah, okay,” Soonyoung nods, putting his shoes on. “Text me the restaurant we’re eating at—”

”Soonyoung?”

Soonyoung stops his actions, nearly stumbling in an attempt to put his shoes on. He glances at Jihoon, who is now detached from Seungcheol and staring at him confusedly. However, when he catches sight of the duffle bag on his shoulder, his eyes flash with emotion that Soonyoung can’t make out.

He wants to believe that Jihoon’s expression is disheartened, like he doesn’t want him to go, but it’s all wishful thinking, and Soonyoung needs to remind himself that he doesn’t have a chance, that his mind is creating illusions he wants to happen.

”You’re—are you leaving already?” Jihoon asks softly, and no, that is not disappointment in his voice. No, it’s simply...confirmation―confirmation that he’s leaving.

”Uh, yeah,” Soonyoung answers numbly. “I—I need to get back to the practice room to catch up with the choreography.”

He doesn’t say he didn’t get to yesterday because Jihoon might think it’s his fault he’s behind. The last thing he wants is for Jihoon to have another panic attack.

”Oh, uh,” Jihoon clears his throat as he fumbles with the hem of his shirt. “Are you—You’re still coming to dinner tonight, right?”

He’s just saying that because he’s scared he’ll have another panic attack and you won’t be there, his brain mumbles. He doesn’t like you.

“Yeah,” Soonyoung breathes, adjusting the strap of his duffel bag. “I’ll be there.”

”You better,” Seungcheol says playfully, wrapping an arm around Jihoon’s shoulders. Soonyoung’s heart drops at the sight. “Nobody’s going to eat as much samgyeopsal as you. We can’t have the food going to waste.”

Soonyoung chuckles weakly, but the underlying tone beneath Seungcheol’s words weigh heavily on his mind.

I guess I have been gaining a lot of weight recently.

He opens the front door, still attempting a pathetic smile to mask the hurt he feels, ignoring Wonwoo’s concerned gaze. “See you guys tonight.”

He waves his hand in what he hopes looks cheerful before he closes the door behind him. He stands in the hallway for a minute, fingers clenched on the handle as he inhales shakily. There’s a familiar heat behind his eyes and he doesn’t stop himself this time. His steps feel like lead, like he’s stepping in quicksand as he slowly makes his way to the practice room. His heart is burning, yet so hollow and he doesn’t understand. He’s been convincing himself that Seungcheol and Jihoon are meant for each other, so why does it still hurt?

Because Jihoon and I aren't meant to be.

”Morning."

He jumps.

A nod.

“Good morning."

“We haven’t talked in a while. How are you?"

He shrugs. 

“I’m good. I was just finishing up the choreography with Hyerim-noona yesterday, so I’ll be able to teach it to you guys this afternoon."

“Oh, that’s good. Is that what you’ve been working on for the past weeks?"

“Yeah, but we had to revise the beginning. I have a lot of ideas already and I want to be able to incorporate them in the dance. You know, things like floor choreography, something innovative."

A hum.

He slurps his ramen.

“You sound on top of your game."

“I kind of need to be."

He huffs a laugh.

“Anyway, how’s your producing coming along?"

“It’s going more smoothly than I expected. I’ve just started working on Mansae. Speaking of which, can you come by the studio later today? I need you to look over the lyrics."

His heart flutters.

“Sure, no problem. How about after showing you guys the choreography?"

“Whatever works."

Pause.

“By the way, I didn’t get to properly thank you for―for what we were talking about a few weeks ago. You know, the whole ‘I’ll help you’ business. It really means a lot."

“Oh. Oh, yeah, sure. No problem."

A smile.

He’s a goner.

Soonyoung sort of loses himself while dancing. It’s his escape, his passion, his remedy to forget his worries. He doesn’t want to think about anything right now, much less the incident that had happened earlier. He keeps free-styling to the music, keeps dancing to the beat until his legs start to burn as much as his aching heart, until his mind is as blank as his face. He doesn’t stop then either, because he knows the moment he does, his mind will wander back to Jihoon, to Jihoon and Seungcheol, to them hugging in the living room, reuniting. It’s like a dagger being thrown into his heart and hitting the bullseye, and it hurts.

By the time the sun begins to set, he’s still dancing. He’s probably well on his way to the eighth song and maybe he’s danced enough to choreograph at least three or four songs by now. He stops then, knows he’ll probably dance himself out of commission if he keeps going, but he doesn't sit down. Instead, he paces around the practice room, breathing hard. His lungs are burning and his whole body is aching, but it’s not anything he’s not used to. It’s what it takes to be an idol, and he isn’t about to complain when it’s been his dream for years.

When he feels his legs about to collapse, he sits next to his duffel bag and reaches in for his water bottle. It’s lukewarm and doesn’t quench his thirst, but he’s too exhausted to walk to the vending machine. He doesn’t know if he can bring himself to go to the restaurant at this point. Speaking of which―he grabs his phone and opens it, the notifications flying in.

Woowoo  
[image attachment]

Woowoo
this is the restaurant we’re going to

Jeonghannie-hyung <3
don’t forget to stay hydrated and don’t overwork yourself!

ShuaShuaShua
Come back to the dorms so you can catch a ride with us.

ShuaShuaShua
Wonwoo said he’d pick you up if you’re not here in ten minutes.

Haohao  
What time are you leaving, hyung? We’re about to go now.

Boo Seungkwan  
r u there, hyung?

Boo Seungkwan
Cheol-hyung already made reservations.

Boo Seungkwan
Why aren’t you replying? ㅠㅠㅠ You’re not working too hard, right?

Boo Seungkwan
hyung, if you don’t reply in the next five minutes, I’m eating your share of samgyeopsal!

Boo Seungkwan
hyung... ㅠㅠ

Minnie
we just got our table! You better hurry~

Woowoo
Are you still in the practice room? I told the members I’d pick you up, so you better change.

Leader-nim
Yah, Kwon Soonyoung, you better be here soon, the samgyeopsal isn’t gonna eat itself ㅋㅋ

Woowoo
I’m serious, Soonyoung, I’m on my way now.

❤
The members are saying you’re not replying, are you okay?

❤
Don’t overwork yourself, idiot.

❤
You said you’d go, so where are you? We’re here now.

❤
Soonyoung?

❤
I’ll save you a seat

Soonyoung feels a bitter feeling crawl up his throat and he brings his knees up to his chest, laying his head on top of his arms. He can’t think right now, he doesn’t know how to feel.

On one hand, he wants to go out and enjoy his free time, to satisfy his hunger and hang out with Jihoon, even if it’s not alone. On the other hand, he’s tired. He doesn’t want to deal with anyone or anything, doesn’t want to witness another Jihoon and Seungcheol interaction, doesn’t want to interact with Wonwoo and his disapproving stares. He just...doesn’t know what to do.

He hears the door open but he doesn’t look up, has a good guess who it is. He feels a hand rest on his back, and it’s probably not a pleasant feeling to touch a sweaty person’s back, but he knows Wonwoo doesn’t care.

“I told you to change,” Wonwoo sighs exasperatedly. “Come on, the van is waiting for us. The others have probably already ordered."

“I don’t know if I want to go,” Soonyoung mumbles, taking his head off of his arms.

Wonwoo looks at him disbelievingly. “Don’t tell me you’re backing out now―”

“I’m tired, okay?” Soonyoung interrupts. He lays his head on his arms, still facing the younger. “I’m just tired.”

It’s half the truth. He is tired, and he knows there’s no point in lying to Wonwoo, not when the rapper can read him like an open book, but he doesn’t care anymore.

“That’s not all,” Wonwoo says quietly. His voice is soft like he’s talking to a baby, and maybe Soonyoung is one. “You just don’t want to see another incident like earlier. Soonyoung―"

“It hurts, Won,” Soonyoung says weakly. “It hurts.” His voice is a whisper, on the verge of cracking, and he knows he’s about to cry. He rubs furiously against his eyes, inhaling deeply.

“You better not cry,” Wonwoo scolds, but Soonyoung can hear the worry in his voice. His hand is rubbing lightly against his back, trying to bring some sort of comfort and although it should’ve been a deep moment, Soonyoung can’t help but laugh wetly.

“God, I’m―I’m pathetic, aren’t I?” He asks, leaning his head against the wall behind him.

Wonwoo shakes his head at the duality of the dancer. Nonetheless, he honestly answers, “You kind of are."

They sit in silence for a few moments. Soonyoung feels his spike of emotions calm down a bit, and he feels embarrassed for being so dramatic. Granted, he’s always dramatic, but it was never for serious things.

Good thing it’s Wonwoo, he thinks. Everyone else would’ve laughed at me.

He appreciates the fact that the younger is always there for him, and he hopes he can return the favor someday.

”Wonwoo?” Soonyoung questions quietly amidst the stillness of the room. “About...about last night, I’m sorry. It wasn’t my intention―I didn’t mean to get so worked up about―about confessing to Jihoon. I didn’t mean for it to become an argument between us, and you know how much I hate when we fight. I’m sorry, I know you had Jihoon’s best interest in mind and you’re only trying to look out for him, but―"

“I’m not just trying to look out for Jihoon,” Wonwoo cuts him off. “I’m looking out for you too."

Soonyoung raises his head in confusion.

“You’re both hurting at this point,” Wonwoo explains, turning his head to face the dancer. “I know you, Soonyoung. You even admitted you were hurting just a few minutes ago. You’re scared, and that’s understandable. You said you don’t want to make your relationship with Jihoon awkward, that you can’t handle the thought of him not being able to look you in the eye after, and that’s understandable too. You said he deserves someone better, someone other than you, but yet you hate it when you see someone else make him happy. Now answer me this―is the reason you won’t confess to Jihoon because of those fears, or is it because you’re scared of getting hurt?"

Soonyoung blinks, realizing the depth behind Wonwoo’s words. He lets the question sink it, lets his words settle in his mind. He knows Wonwoo has a point, he always does. It’s a loaded question, one that he himself doesn’t even know the answer to.

“Just...think about it. It might help,” Wonwoo murmurs. He’s quiet for a moment, but then he says, “For the record, I’m sorry too. I didn’t mean to push you or argue. I was just trying to get you to realize that you do have a chance with Jihoon, even if you’re too dense right now to know it. I came about it the wrong way and I’m sorry. Jihoon and Seungcheol-hyung―they’re just friends. Maybe hyung cares about him just as much as you do, but there’s nothing going on between them. I wish you’d stop listening to your thoughts sometimes."

Soonyoung doesn’t reply, knows he’s only going to retaliate against Wonwoo. Instead, his mouth curls up into a small smile and he holds his pinky out. “Thanks, Wonwoo. Forgiven?"

Wonwoo links their pinkies together and smiles back. He stands up and offers a hand to Soonyoung. “Forgiven. Now, come on. If we don’t hurry, everyone else will finish all the food. Go change, I’ll meet you by the van."

Soonyoung grabs his duffel bag and heads to the bathroom, feeling a little lighter and a little more hopeful than he was yesterday.

A frustrated sigh.

”Nothing sounds right."

“You’ll figure it out. You always do."

“Yeah, but it just...I don’t know what’s wrong with it. It sounds off."

“Can I listen?"

Silence.

Humming.

“It sounds good, Jihoonie."

“Does it really? You’re not lying?"

A smile.

“I think you just need to take a break. You’ve been stuck in this studio for, what―six hours now? Come back tomorrow with fresh ears and it’ll sound good."

A sigh.

“You sure it sounds good? Be honest."

“You’ve never given me a reason to lie. Besides, I’m the one who has to choreograph this anyway, so if I do lie, I’m gonna have to face the consequences too."

A chuckle.

“Okay, then. I trust you."

A bright smile.

“Come on, let’s go get bulgogi. My treat."

When they arrive at the restaurant, it’s jam-packed and people are waiting in line outside. However, Wonwoo takes Soonyoung by the hand and leads him inside, nodding once to the waitress at the stand. The latter assumes Wonwoo’s already been here before picking him up. They make their way past the tables and floor chairs, and Soonyoung can see their members taking up a whole wall.

He catches Jihoon sitting at the very end of the table, an empty seat next to him and he feels his heart race when he realizes that yes―Jihoon did, in fact, save him a seat. However, he seems to be conversing with the three people in front of him, and it wouldn’t have been much of a problem if one of the people wasn’t Seungcheol. On either side of the leader, Jeonghan is nodding along to whatever Jihoon is saying and Joshua is putting meat on the grill. Soonyoung tries to swallow the lump in his throat. He was going to have to experience it sooner or later.

“Soonyoung-hyung is here!” Chan exclaims suddenly, having caught sight of the performance leader.

Soonyoung nods in acknowledgment, smiling cheerily. He feels Wonwoo pat his back and he knows he’s on his own this time. He sighs quietly, and when he locks eyes with Jihoon, the younger is patting the empty seat next to him, seemingly relieved.

You’re here to have a good time with everyone, Soonyoung chides himself as he sits down next to Jihoon. Don’t ruin it for yourself or for anyone else.

”You’re just in time,” Jeonghan says playfully, taste-testing some of the side dishes. “The meat just got here."

“Ah, really?” He asks rhetorically. “I’m starving."

“You didn’t eat lunch?” Jihoon asks, placing a few strips of beef into the hot pot next to the grill. “What were you doing?"

“I had a few protein bars, nothing much,” Soonyoung shrugs, breaking apart a pair of chopsticks. “I was catching up with the choreography as I said earlier. I think I also managed to get a general idea for some new choreographies for the upcoming future."

“You rested, right?” Joshua asks, and he looks worried as he adds some vegetables to the hot pot. “You weren’t replying to any of our texts, even Jihoon was getting worried. He said you’re too stubborn for your own good sometimes."

“I didn’t say that!” Jihoon denies, but Joshua only laughs as the younger man glares at him.

“I rested after I was done,” Soonyoung answers honestly, and he can’t help but smile. It’s Jihoon’s way of showing his concern, that tsundere I’m-a-Busan-man type of way, and he’s used to it by now. “I took a break just a few minutes before Wonwoo came to pick me up."

“You’ve been practicing for that long?” Jihoon asks in disbelief, staring at Soonyoung like he’s grown two heads. “For―For seven hours?"

“I did not practice for seven hours,” Soonyoung protests. I woke up at 11 in the morning, left around 12 and came here at 6, so 12, 1, 2, 3―Oh. He smiles sheepishly against Jihoon’s deadpan. ”Okay, maybe I did practice for seven hours."

“I told you not to overwork yourself,” Jihoon scolds, nibbling on the end of his chopsticks. “You’re an idiot."

“Hey, in my defense, I had some pretty great ideas that I could not afford to lose,” Soonyoung defends himself, placing some kimchi on his plate. “Besides, you have absolutely no room to talk. You have, like, I don’t know―some sort of superpower that allows you to stay in the studio for who-knows-how-long. You don’t even move for the duration of that whole time you’re working on a song!"

Jihoon looks like he’s holding in a laugh. “Wah, you really are an idiot. I’m not the one staying in the practice room for seven hours, constantly moving without resting. You still manage to have the energy to move after. Are you insane?"

“Are you insane?” Soonyoung shoots back, reaching for a strip of cooked beef and placing it on Jihoon’s plate. “You might as well reincarnate as a statue in your next life."

“I might as well,” Jihoon retorts, quick-witted. He places the strip of beef placed on his plate onto Soonyoung’s. “Eat this. You haven’t eaten in seven hours."

“Did you eat lunch?” Soonyoung asks, and when Jihoon doesn’t look him in the eye, he places the strip of beef back onto his plate. “Thought so. I’ve eaten protein bars throughout the day, so you need to eat more."

“You think protein bars are going to satisfy your hunger?” Jihoon chastises, returning the meat. It’s like a game of tug-of-war at this point, only with a piece of beef. It’s quite comical when there’s more beef cooking on the grill.

“It’s better than a completely empty stomach,” Soonyoung huffs, placing the beef firmly onto Jihoon’s plate. Before the younger can give it back, he quickly reaches for another cooked strip and places it on his own plate. He glances at Jihoon challengingly. “There, I have one too. Happy?"

Jihoon frowns, and before Soonyoung can react, he’s placing the beef on his plate onto Soonyoung’s and placing Soonyoung’s beef onto his plate. He looks smugly at the dancer.

“Well, since you’ve eaten your so-called protein bars, you can have the colder bulgogi,” he hums, already making a move to chew on the piece of meat.

Soonyoung gapes as Jihoon eats the beef without another glance. “You’re so―“ he splutters disbelievingly. “God, you’re so picky."

Jihoon just grins at him, then gestures to the bulgogi still sitting on Soonyoung’s plate, cheeks still stuffed as he asks, “You gonna eat that anytime soon? If not, that’s going to be mine."

“What―no!” Soonyoung protests, quick to shove the strip into his mouth.

He realizes his mistake when his mouth starts to burn, and he’s forgotten the meat had only been cooling for a few seconds. He’s too late to remind himself of his low-tolerance for heat. His mouth opens in an attempt to soften the burn, and his eyes start watering as he fans himself rapidly. In front of him, his hyungs are laughing at his misery and Jihoon’s cackling at his idiocy.

When Soonyoung calms down from the heat and starts chewing, he glares at Jihoon through his watery eyes. “It’s not funny,” he grumbles, reaching for a glass of water to soothe the burn.

”Oh my God, Soonyoung—” Jihoon snorts, reaching for the meat he put in the hot pot. “I can’t believe you—Are you sulking?”

”I’m not!” Soonyoung pouts, stuffing some kimchi in his mouth, and, okay—he is sulking. “You’re mean, Jihoonie.”

Jihoon snickers, but he looks apologetic as he reaches for a lettuce wrap and places some cooked samgyeopsal in it, along with a dollop of kimchi. He places the wrap on Soonyoung’s plate, still grinning. “There,” he offers. “Your reward for going through that pain.”

”No,” Soonyoung whines, and before he can stop himself—“You have to feed me.”

Jihoon freezes. “What?”

Soonyoung swallows, and before he can take it back, he keeps going. “You have to feed me,” he repeats, beginning to feel doubtful. “I can still feel my mouth burning from the bulgogi, Jihoonie, so make it up to me.”

Soonyoung doesn’t want to believe Jihoon is blushing, but there’s redness on his ears as the younger huffs at him. However, the dancer feels his heart fill with glee when Jihoon reaches for the wrap and says, “You’re such a baby.”

It’s Soonyoung’s turn to feel smug as he watches Jihoon blow the meat in the lettuce wrap carefully. “You’re so caring, Jihoonie,” he says gleefully.

Jihoon raises the wrap towards Soonyoung's mouth. “Shut up or I really will eat this,” he threatens, and Soonyoung knows it’s definitely not an empty threat.

He opens his mouth wide, allowing Jihoon to feed him the lettuce wrap, and it’s a little bigger than normal, but he’s eaten a hamburger whole before, this is a piece of cake. He covers his mouth to prevent anyone from seeing any unpleasant sight, but when he finishes, he turns to Jihoon with a wide grin.

”That was delicious,” he says smugly. He reaches for a reasonably-sized piece of lettuce and places the samgyeopsal in it, a little bit of kimchi, some bean sprouts, and gochujang, just the way Jihoon likes it. When he has the ingredients wrapped securely, he carefully raises it to Jihoon’s mouth. “Here, Jihoon-ah. Open up.”

”What did you put in it?” Jihoon eyes the wrap curiously.

”You make it sound like I’m going to poison you,” Soonyoung scoffs. He lifts the wrap again insistently. “I just added kimchi, kongnamul, and gochujang. Now are you gonna eat my creation or am I gonna eat it myself?”

”Most of the time, your creations aren’t so good,” Jihoon teases, but nonetheless, he opens his mouth as Soonyoung slides the wrap in.

He can’t find any fault in Jihoon’s statement, and he’s reminded of the time where he had to make a cocktail for one of their Going Seventeen episodes, competing with several other members. Needless to say, nobody voted for his, but he got a comforting hug from Jeonghan.

”What about this one?” Soonyoung questions. “Is it as bad as my cocktail?”

Jihoon snickers, but when he swallows the wrap, he shakes his head. “Way better than your cocktail.”

Soonyoung’s about to retort something sarcastic, but there’s a bit of gochujang on the corner of Jihoon’s lips that’s bothering him. Before he knows what‘s going on, his thumb is already swiping to wipe the sauce off and he’s sucking his thumb. He blinks when he realizes what he’s doing, and he raises his head to find Jihoon’s mouth has dropped open slightly, and there’s a lovely pink blush on his cheeks as he stares back at him.

Oh my god, Soonyoung thinks. Did I really just do that?

”Smooth, Kwon,” Seungcheol snickers. He, Jeonghan, and Joshua have been watching their interaction quietly. “Why don’t you two just get married already?”

Jihoon’s head snaps to the eldest, and if looks could kill, they’d be needing a new leader. “Cheol,” he hisses embarrassedly. “We’re not like that."

“No offense, hyung, but I don’t want to end up like you three,” Soonyoung jokes lightly, gesturing to the three eldest. He gnaws on his lip, his own cheeks red. He doesn’t say anything about Jihoon’s statement, knows how true it is and he can’t stop the disappointment from sinking it. I wish we were like that. “You guys are disgustingly sweet enough as it is."

Although they aren’t in a relationship, Soonyoung watches in fascination as Seungcheol, Jeonghan, and Joshua turn red. Jeonghan returns to picking at his side-dishes, not looking at any of them. Joshua’s clumsily trying to spoon out the vegetables he put in earlier from the hot pot. Seungcheol doesn’t say much, instead seemingly wanting to sink in his seat as he glares at Soonyoung.

Oh, Soonyoung muses to himself. How interesting.

He hears a laugh next to him, and when he turns to Jihoon, the younger man’s head is thrown back, clapping like a seal and slapping Soonyoung’s thigh. To anyone else, he would’ve looked crazy, but the dancer thinks he’s absolutely adorable. Jihoon catches his eye, and this time, they both fall into a fit of giggles, ignoring Seungcheol’s protests and Jeonghan’s flustered groans and Joshua’s humiliated blush.

After that, they go back to eating properly, little snickers shared between them as they cook the samgyeopsal. The weight on Soonyoung’s chest feels a little lighter and his head is a little less cluttered. He ends up enjoying himself so much, he burns his tongue again by eating the bulgogi straight off the grill. Jihoon is lovely, easy to talk to, laughing loudly at his accident, and the sound is music to Soonyoung’s ears. He’s whisked away, heart weak as he absurdly shoves large lettuce wraps into his mouth just to keep hearing it.

He lets himself go, allows himself to be happy as he gives in to his urge to feed Jihoon again. The latter doesn’t protest, doesn’t question what’s in the lettuce wraps anymore, doesn’t hesitate to open his mouth. Instead, he smiles at Soonyoung while he eats, allows the dancer to wipe away the smudge of gochujang on the corner of his lips every time, and Soonyoung―

Soonyoung doesn’t think about the what if’s or the I can’t's. Instead, he’s living in the present; he’s thinking about the what could be’s and the maybe’s. He stares at Jihoon’s face flushed with delight, how his eyes turn into crescents when he grins, how he leans onto him when he laughs, and maybe―just maybe, he does have a chance.

”Jihoon?"

A shaky sigh.

“Jihoon, what happened?"

“Nothing. Just...thoughts again."

“Talk to me?"

“No. Let’s just keep working on this―"

“Jihoon."

“Just drop it, Soonyoung. I’m really not in the mood to talk."

Quiet.

Clacking on the keyboard.

A long exhale.

“There’s just a lot of things stressing me out right now, especially with our debut so close. I didn’t mean to snap at you. I’m sorry."

“No, it’s understandable. Just―It’s not good to keep your emotions bottled up for so long. It’s going to build up soon."

“I know. I just want to forget about it for now."

Quiet.

“You wanna try again?"

A hesitant nod.

“It’s not just about our debut, is it?"

He shakes his head.

“Tell me."

A sigh.

“Seungcheol."

“Oh."

“Yeah."

Pause.

“You know, Seungcheol’s an idiot not to like you."

A blush.

A light laugh.

“Thanks, Soonie."

They go out for bungeoppang filled with soft-serve ice cream later on at a street food stand. It’s dark out and there aren't many people around that may recognize them, so the group collectively decides to hang out in the cold air and stroll around with their desserts in a local botanical garden nearby. It’s peacefully quiet for once, save for the soft murmurs of the members, and perhaps Soonyoung is just a bit uneasy. He can’t remember the last time he’s felt so calm; when you’re an idol, you tend to be surrounded by a ton of noise.

He sits on a bench not too far from the members and gazes out at the wide river in front of him. In the distance, he can faintly hear the cars on the bridge to his right, but it’s not disruptive; he finds it a little soothing. He allows himself to sink into the bench and although it’s not the most comfortable feeling in the world, he’s tired and can’t bring himself to move as he gazes up at the sky.

The stars are pretty tonight, he thinks to himself. Maybe I should take a picture―

“Hey."

Soonyoung looks up, and suddenly, there’s a much prettier star looking down at him. “Hey."

“That doesn’t look comfortable,” Jihoon chuckles quietly, gesturing to Soonyoung’s posture. “You’ll get a bad back if you keep sitting like that. Sit properly."

“You sound like Minghao,” Soonyoung complains, but he doesn’t move a muscle. Instead, he closes his eyes. “Besides, I’m tired and that’s all that matters."

“I’ll call Seokmin to come here so he can annoy you to sit properly,” Jihoon threatens. “You know how loud he can get."

Soonyoung grins, peeking an eye open at him. “You know that one way or another, Seokmin’s just going to rope me into being loud with him. I’m not going to be the one annoyed, you are."

Jihoon frowns at him, and Soonyoung knows he’s won this time. The younger man sniffs, but then he goes and sits on the far side of the bench, patting his lap.

“Come here, then,” Jihoon says, already looking annoyed. “If you’re not going to sit properly, at least lie down. It’ll be like old times. We’re going to be here for a while if Minghao and Mingyu are taking photos."

Soonyoung blinks at him in surprise, and when Jihoon stares at him expectantly, he realizes he’s serious. He feels his heart flutter at the mention of old times, feels some sort of static in his chest when he comprehends the fact that Jihoon does remember. He finally finds the ability to move after a whole two seconds, adjusting himself accordingly so his head is resting on Jihoon’s thigh.

“Jihoonie,” Soonyoung teases, crossing one leg over the other. “You’re so soft today. Do you have a fever?”

Just because he can―and to annoy Jihoon further, he reaches his hand up to touch his forehead.

“I’m not sick,” Jihoon scoffs, slapping his hand away. He remains quiet for a moment, and then says, “I just want to repay you―for earlier."

Soonyoung quirks an eyebrow in confusion. “For the lettuce wraps? I told you they were amazing but you kept doubting my awesome culinary skills."

“No, you absolute moron!” Jihoon huffs, swatting at the dancer’s head. “You don’t even have culinary skills to begin with. You almost managed to burn rice one time. Rice, Soonyoung."

“It was one time!” Soonyoung defends, holding his head where Jihoon whacked him. “And, okay, I may not be able to cook rice for the life of me, but I can at least cook an egg without having the shell bits fall in, like someone I know."

Soonyoung lets out a startled yelp when Jihoon hits him on the same spot. “Cooking an egg is way more difficult than cooking rice,” Jihoon sniffs, but he looks embarrassed. “And anyway, we’re getting off-topic. I wanted to repay you―for taking care of me yesterday. I thought―I thought I could handle it this time. I thought I had it under control, and for the first half-hour I did, but it just...kept growing and the thoughts kept coming and then...and then I lost myself."

Soonyoung looks up at Jihoon, watching as the younger looks out into the river. His eyes are sparkling, but Soonyoung knows it isn’t tears; he’s holding the stars in his eyes. The producer is gazing into the distance, and he looks like he’s...longing for something, something he can’t reach. Soonyoung knows the feeling all too well, and he swallows quietly.

“You’ll be able to do it one day, you know,” Soonyoung murmurs, shifting his gaze to the sky. “Holding it under control, I mean. Don’t beat yourself up because you can’t. Cheer yourself on because you had the strength to try. It’s not going to go away just like that, it’s going to take time. Even then, this was your first relapse in what―five years? It’s still a long time, but it only means that no matter how better you feel, it’s going to come back―whether you least expect it or not. I’m not saying this to bring you down or because I think you’re stupid to attempt to stop yourself. I’m saying this because I want you to be prepared. When you fall back, your thoughts are just figments of your imagination; they’re not real. If you can’t realize that when you’re in your head, at least have someone there to help you through it."

Jihoon doesn’t say anything. He continues to stare out into the river, but Soonyoung knows his words have affected him one way or another.

“You know why I’m telling you this, right?” Soonyoung whispers, keeping his eyes trained on the stars. He sees Jihoon nod through his peripheral vision.

The memory of the scary incident comes back to him full force and the image of Jihoon backing away into the corner of the wall, screaming at the members to not come closer crosses his mind. Jihoon’s scared and pained expression flashes in a second, but it’s enough to get Soonyoung’s heart racing. Before he knows it, he shoots up from his position in Jihoon’s lap and wipes furiously at his wet eyes. The lump in his throat returns and he exhales shakily.

“Soonyoung?” Jihoon asks, a little startled. “Are you―Are you crying? Why are you―crying―? Soonyoung, turn around."

Soonyoung exhales again, trying to calm down. As much as he doesn’t want to, he knows Jihoon will only get worried, so he listens to his request. However, instead of facing the producer, he bows his head in an attempt to hide his face. He wipes at his eyes again, sniffling a little.

The memory from that day still haunts him, and he’s not surprised he’s gotten a little emotional over it. He’s just a little embarrassed for having been caught crying, especially by Jihoon.

“Sorry, sorry,” Soonyoung breathes weakly. “I just―I don’t want to see you like that again.” Soonyoung almost jumps when he feels arms wrap around his torso, squeezing comfortingly.

“I’m not,” Jihoon whispers. It sounds like a promise. “I’m not going to be like that again because you’re always there when I need you. When you said I should at least have someone there to help me through it―I already have that someone, and that someone is you, Soonyoung. I’ll be okay as long as you’re there."

“Jihoon, you―“ Soonyoung almost chokes. He waits for a few moments before starting again. “You can’t always rely on me. There might be a day where I won’t be there to help you."

“I know,” Jihoon says simply like it’s the most casual thing in the world. “I don’t want to think about that day yet, so let me be selfish and rely on you always, okay? No pressure."

Soonyoung chuckles, wiping his remaining tears. “You suck at comforting people, you―“

Whatever he was about to say next dies instantly on his tongue when he turns his head to look at Jihoon. Their faces are closer than he thought, with maybe less than two inches of air between them. He freezes when their eyes lock, and Jihoon seems just as surprised as he is.

Soonyoung feels like his limbs are stuck, but Jihoon doesn’t make any attempt to move either. Time seems to still as they just stare at each other wordlessly. The background noise becomes muffled, the voices of their members fading. If it was possible to have telekinesis, Soonyoung would probably be hearing static right now.

“Jihoon, I―“ Soonyoung gets tongue-tied again. 

“Do you―?” Jihoon whispers shyly. The lovely pink blush on his cheeks is back and he seems hesitant.

Before Soonyoung knows what’s going on, Jihoon’s leaning closer. The dancer feels a little light-headed, his heart in his throat. His eyelids lower when he feels the producer’s breath fan across his lips and there’s less than an inch of space between them now and Soonyoung—

Soonyoung isn’t stopping him.

Then—he feels their lips brush, just barely. It sends shivers down his spine, and Soonyoung wants to close the remaining distance, to press their lips together and kiss Jihoon but—

“All right, everyone, wrap it up! It’s getting late!” Seungcheol’s voice rings through the quietness.

Soonyoung and Jihoon both jerk away from each other like lightning. The dancer’s eyes are wide and he’s pretty sure his face is red. Jihoon doesn’t look any better, looking everywhere but him.

Fuck, Soonyoung thinks frantically, Fuck, what the fuck, Soonyoung? How could you get carried away? You’re not meant for each other, Jihoon deserves better. What the fuck are you doing?

Jihoon speaks up, voice quiet and nervous. “Soonyoung, I—”

”We should get back,” Soonyoung interrupts, abruptly standing up. He shoves his hands in his hoodie pockets, not looking at Jihoon. “They might leave without us.”

“What?” Jihoon sounds so—lost and confused. He’s staring at Soonyoung incredulously, like he can’t believe what’s happening and frankly, Soonyoung can’t either. “We’re not—We’re not gonna talk about what—what just happened? You’re just going to—leave it like that?”

His voice is cracking like he’s about to start crying, but Soonyoung can’t find the strength to look at him, especially after what almost happened.

“Look, Jihoon, I—“ Soonyoung swallows. I need to do this. ”I think we should stay as friends."

Silence. Absolute silence. Soonyoung still doesn’t look at him. He knows if he does, he won’t be able to get his words out.

“I’m not saying this because of—of what almost happened,” Soonyoung says, and at this point, he doesn’t know what the truth is anymore. He tries to keep his voice as steady as possible. “We’re not—We aren’t meant to be together. It’s not your fault. I’m just—I’m dealing with some stuff right now that I need to figure out. I’m—I’m sorry, Jihoon.” He looks at Jihoon then, but the latter’s head is bowed, his hood pulled up.

Jihoon doesn’t say anything for a long time, and just as Soonyoung is about to ask if he’s okay, he stands up and walks away without another word.

Soonyoung takes a deep breath, ignoring the guilt weighing down on his chest and how static his mind feels. The tiny glimpse he had gotten of Jihoon’s face before he walked away was heartbreaking, but he needs to power through it. The faster he gets over Jihoon, the faster Jihoon will realize that Soonyoung isn’t the one, that he can find someone better and Soonyoung—

Soonyoung will be okay.

The door opens.

“Hey."

A smile.

A smile back.

“Hey."

“So...we finally debuted."

“Yeah, we did."

Pause.

“Good job, by the way. You’ve worked hard."

A huff of laughter.

“You’ve worked just as hard. Without you, we wouldn’t have a song."

“Well, without you, there would be no choreography to watch."

“Touché."

Quiet.

Humming.

“You’ve been listening to it over and over, haven’t you?"

A snort.

“This is the song we debuted with. I’m proud of it."

A chuckle.

“The others are going out with manager-hyung for dinner to celebrate. Are you joining?"

“Yeah, just―just give me a minute."

Quiet.

A sniffle.

A shaky exhale.

“Don’t tell me you’re crying."

A teasing smile.

“Shut up, Kwon. It’s just that all of our hard work paid off. I just hope I’ll be able to keep up."

He softens.

A hand to the shoulder.

“You will. We’ll do great, Jihoon. We’ll earn ourselves so many awards, even a daesang. I believe in us."

A wet chuckle.

“You’re so stupid."

A grin.

“It’s not stupid to hope for something you want." 

Pause.

A smile.

He shakes his head.

“Come on, let’s go join everyone else."

They don’t talk about the incident the week after. In fact, they don’t talk at all. It’s awkward between them now, just like Soonyoung had feared. He can’t do anything about it though, he had already made his decision—whether it was for the good or bad, he doesn’t know. He can only hope that as time passes, their friendship can ignite once more and they’d be back to normal. It had been a painful week to say the least.

Jihoon won’t look him in the eye anymore, much less be in the same room. Soonyoung can’t exactly blame him when he’s been doing the same exact thing, but it doesn’t make it hurt any less. Their minimal interaction has gotten to the point where their members have started questioning them. They’ve started noticing how Jihoon and Soonyoung avoid each other, how they brush off their questions like nothing is going on. 

It’s apparent that something had happened between them when Jihoon doesn’t show up to practice as scheduled that week. Soonyoung doesn’t say anything about his absence. He keeps free-styling to the music, mentally jotting down notes when new ideas pop up in his mind. He knows he’s going to have to face Jihoon sooner or later and he has to mentally prepare himself to talk to him.

When the clock hits 12:00 p.m., he stops dancing and gets started with the group choreography. “Okay, everyone, get into your positions. We’ll do a group warm-up first with Getting Closer and then we’ll touch up for Home and Good To Me, sound do-able?"

The members reply back with an onslaught of positive replies, so Soonyoung grabs his phone and gets the songs started. When he turns around and counts the faces present, he frowns when he realizes there’s only eleven members, including him. He knows Jihoon probably isn't coming, but there’s an empty spot in front of Mingyu where their leader should be.

“Where’s Seungcheol-hyung?” Soonyoung asks, doing another quick headcount to make sure he hasn’t miscounted.

“I saw him leave earlier, but he said he’d be back,” Junhui replies, relaxing from his position. “I think Jihoon was calling him, but I couldn’t catch a glimpse of his phone."

Minghao clicks his tongue from his position, not being able to whack the other Chinese man in the head since he’s on the other side. “Why were you looking at his phone? You’re so nosy.” The two begin bickering in Mandarin, but Soonyoung is used to it at this point. He wouldn’t be surprised if they were swearing at each other. It’s...cute, he supposes.

“Should we start practice without them?” Wonwoo asks, but Soonyoung knows it’s a question aimed towards him.

“No, no,” Soonyoung sighs, getting up from his position. At that, everyone else relaxes. “It would’ve been fine with only one person absent, but two people might throw us off. I’ll go look for them. You guys can relax for now or continue stretching. I’ll be back in a few.”

He makes eye contact with Wonwoo and the rapper nods at him. Soonyoung heads to the door, and as much as he isn’t ready yet, he needs to find Jihoon—and Seungcheol, of course.

Soonyoung’s first stop is the hall filled with tiny music rooms. The rooms are meant for quick singing practice sessions, namely warming up your vocals or wanting to practice alone. There’s a total of eight music rooms, four on each side, and Soonyoung lucks out when all the rooms he looks into are empty—no Jihoon or Seungcheol in sight. He keeps searching for them though, and there’s a weird feeling in his chest that he can’t decipher but he tries not to think much of it.

The next place he looks is Jihoon’s studio, which is just across the music rooms. It’s the last room on the right and when he walks up to investigate, the door is slightly ajar. He’s about to push it open when he hears voices inside and he stops himself. As far as he knows, it’s Jihoon and Seungcheol, but he doesn’t know what they’re talking about. He decides to push the door open farther, but he regrets his decision instantly when he peeks his head in, and his heart drops at the sight.

There, sitting in his studio chair, is Jihoon, with Seungcheol kneeling down beside him, facing the producer—but that’s not the worst part. They’re holding hands in Jihoon’s lap, and Seungcheol’s free hand is wiping the producer’s face, like—like Jihoon’s been crying to him. They’re talking too quietly for Soonyoung to hear but the sight is enough to get him sick to his stomach and Soonyoung—

Soonyoung saw it coming. He takes a step back, then another until he turns on his heel and walks away, heart hollow and mind empty. He was expecting this. He knew sooner or later, Jihoon was going to find someone better than him, and it looks like he did. He shouldn’t have held onto that tiny thread of hope. He didn’t know what he was expecting when he thought he could get over Jihoon, but the sight of them together felt like getting shot in the heart; painful.

He walks to the bathroom robotically, steps slow and mechanical. He splashes his face with water and this time, he’s not naive to know that what he had just witnessed wasn’t a hallucination; it was real. The water is cold, but it doesn’t wake him up. He’s stuck in a living nightmare but instead of feeling scared, he just feels—numb.

He somehow makes it back to the practice room and all conversation ceases at the sight of him. They immediately get back into their positions but when they notice nobody else coming in, they glance at the performance leader worriedly.

Wonwoo’s the first to notice something’s off. “Soonyoung,” he calls concernedly. “Where’s Jihoon and Seungcheol-hyung?"

“They won’t be joining us,” Soonyoung says curtly, walking to his phone to start the music. “They’re...doing something right now. Get back into position, Wonwoo."

“Hyung, are you okay?” Chan asks perturbedly. “Did something happen—?"

“Nothing happened,” Soonyoung says abruptly, adjusting the speakers. 

“Soonyoung,” Wonwoo scolds, and the dancer pinches the bridge of his nose, but he doesn’t apologize.

“Okay, everyone,” Soonyoung calls instead, getting into his position. “We’ll do our warm-up song, then take a ten-minute break.”

He scans the group through the large mirrors to make sure they’re in position, ignoring the pang in his heart when he skims over two empty spots. 

He clears his throat. “And a five, six, seven, eight—"

They spring into action as a group. Even if it’s just a warm-up, they’re movements are sharp and precise as if they were on stage and Soonyoung has no trouble picking out the mistakes and non-synchronicities. Despite dancing, there’s a familiar sense of calm rushing in him at the familiar routine. 

I can get through this, he thinks. I’ll be okay. 

In the middle of the song during Seungcheol’s rap, Soonyoung realizes he’s the only one in the middle and it looks a little awkward. His heart pangs again when he registers the fact that Jihoon and Seungcheol are probably still in the studio, but it only motivates him to dance harder, to help keep his mind from wandering.

They’re holding their final positions before he knows it. He breathes hard before relaxing, and that’s when everyone else follows suite. They all plop on random places on the floor, some lying down. 

“Are you sure that was our warm-up song?” Seungkwan complains. “I think I actually pulled something in my leg."

“Stretch it out,” Hansol laughs breathily, sitting down next to Seungkwan’s lying body. “Come here, I’ll help you."

“You don’t exactly have to dance so hard during warm-up practice,” Minghao says lightly, walking towards his phone in front of the mirror. “Warm-up is supposed to help you loosen your muscles and relieve the tension in your body."

“I think warm-ups just made my muscles tighter,” Seungkwan huffs, groaning when Hansol pulls his leg and bends it. “That hurts."

“You go through a lot of pain to get the most pleasure,” Hansol retorts, pressing down.

It’s scary how well that quote resonates with me, Soonyoung thinks, taking a swig of his water bottle as he sits down.

“Okay, everyone,” he calls. “Ten-minute break and then we’ll touch-up Home."

Wonwoo sits down besides Soonyoung. “What was that earlier?” He asks lowly. “When you snapped at Chan?"

“I didn’t mean to snap at him,” Soonyoung sighs, stretching his legs out. “I just—I saw them again, when I went to look for them. They were—They were holding hands in the studio. Jihoon was crying, but it wasn’t me wiping his tears away. I don’t...I don’t know what happened. He didn’t come to me this time, but I guess he has his reasons."

“Soonyoung..."

Soonyoung shakes his head, pursing his lips. “I had it coming. I knew it would happen one day, but...I guess I just wasn’t prepared for it. I felt—I don’t know—I felt numb, but at the same time, it felt painful. Is that—Is that normal? What—How did it feel like when you and Mingyu...you know."

Wonwoo places a hand on his shoulder, squeezing comfortingly. “Mingyu and I are an entirely different story compared to you and Jihoon,” Wonwoo says quietly. “Admittedly, it wasn’t as painful as your story and confessing was the easy part considering how much of an idiot Mingyu is."

Soonyoung cracks a smile at that. Mingyu and Wonwoo are perfect for each other.

“You and Jihoon, you both may be polar opposites, but you both are alike in a lot of different aspects,” Wonwoo continues. “First of all, you both are passionate about the things you do, and it’s not a bad thing. But you’re both stubborn, especially when your situation involves each other, like the one you’re facing right now. I think Jihoon is like me sometimes, you know, aloof, cold-hearted, but when he stands for something, he doesn’t budge about it. You are stubborn in the sense that you want the best for other people, and like you told me before, you only want the best for Jihoon. You’re selfless, Soonyoung, but what about what’s best for you? Sometimes, it’s okay to put yourself first as long as you’re not an ass about it."

Soonyoung nods as Wonwoo talks, and he has to admit, the rapper does have a point (as always). Maybe all the books Wonwoo’s been reading has actually paid off.

“Thanks, Won,” Soonyoung murmurs. “You can be wise sometimes."

“Sometimes?” Wonwoo actually sounds offended, and Soonyoung can’t help but laugh.

“Okay, maybe all the time,” Soonyoung confesses, then stands up, holding a hand out. “We should get back to practice."

“Think about it,” Wonwoo says finally. “It might help you.”

Soonyoung nods before getting into position. “Okay, everyone, break time is over. Get into your positions, we’re rehearsing for Home.”

When everyone gets into their positions for Home, Soonyoung plays the music. “And a five, six, seven, eight—”

The door suddenly slams open and Seungcheol stalks in, an intimidating aura surrounding him as he walks. He’s looking straight at Soonyoung and if looks could kill, Soonyoung wouldn’t be doing so hot right now.

“Kwon Soonyoung,” Seungcheol all but growls. “You have some explaining to do.”

“Seungcheol,” Jihoon’s voice comes frantically, and the producer is quick to follow after the leader, eyes wide. “Cheol, calm down, please.” He places a gentle hand on Seungcheol’s shoulder, and Soonyoung—despite being a little frightened, feels another pang in his heart. 

Everyone stops what they’re doing, staring at Seungcheol in surprise. The leader doesn’t usually have much of a temper, so to see him so angry is an unusual sight. 

Seungcheol stops in front of Soonyoung, and the dancer has to swallow the urge to cower as Seungcheol begins speaking.

“Who do you think you are to hurt Jihoon like that, huh?” Seungcheol demands, voice loud amidst the echo of the walls of the practice room.

It’s quiet for a moment as everyone tries to process what’s going on. The members seem frozen, not knowing what to do.

”Cheol, calm down,” Jihoon says quietly. “You’re overreacting.”

“Like hell I am,” Seungcheol hisses, eyes on Soonyoung. “Explain to me why you decided to play with Jihoon’s feelings.”

”What? What are you talking about?” Soonyoung asks in disbelief, regaining his senses. “I would never toy with Jihoon’s feelings.”

”Don’t give me that crap,” Seungcheol scolds, pointing a strict finger at the dancer. “Jihoon wouldn’t be crying to me otherwise.”

”...What?” Soonyoung croaks, shifting his gaze to the producer. He has so many questions he can’t ask. “Is this—is this about last week?”

Jihoon doesn’t look him in the eye, but before Soonyoung can say anything, Seungcheol intervenes, “It doesn’t matter if it’s last week or this week, Kwon. You have no right to go ahead and play with Jihoon’s heart like it’s some sort of form for your goddamn entertainment. One second, you guys are acting like you’re a couple, but the next, you completely friend-zone him!”

”What are you—”

”Do friends let their friends use their clothes for pajamas?” Seungcheol interrupts. “Do normal friends feed each other and sleep on the same bed just because they were asked to?”

Soonyoung stills, staring at Seungcheol as his brain slowly processes the words being thrown at him. It’s like having a bucket of ice water being poured on his head; it wakes him up and brings an unsettling feeling in his chest. Seungcheol’s trying to get something out of him, and Soonyoung doesn’t know for sure if it’s a good thing.

”Cheol—” Jihoon says, and he sounds absolutely weak. “Please, just drop it.”

“Do normal friends feed each other lettuce wraps by hand and wipe off the sauce on their lips?” Seungcheol continues fiercely, ignoring Jihoon’s pleads. He steps closer to Soonyoung with every scenario. “Do normal friends lie down in each other’s laps and almost fucking kiss?”

There’s a collective gasp that comes from their members, stunned into silence at the mention of a kiss. Soonyoung clenches his fist, glaring at the leader just as fiercely. He knows Seungcheol only has the best intentions in mind for Jihoon, but the way he’s speaking isn’t sitting well with him, as if the leader is taking charge without hearing both sides of the story.

“Hyung,” Wonwoo interrupts, stepping closer to Soonyoung supportively. “That’s enough. You need to calm down and give Soonyoung a chance to explain — "

“I am giving him a chance to explain,” Seungcheol says stubbornly. “It better be a fucking good explanation because he needs to get it through his head that he needs to put his damn pride aside and take better care of Jihoon—"

“You don’t know shit,” Soonyoung says sharply, taking a step forward. God, he’s so—angry—at the fact that Seungcheol’s basically insulting him and questioning his abilities to take care of Jihoon. He inhales deeply and tries to remember his manners, calmly saying, “You don’t know shit, hyung. Whatever Jihoon and I are going through isn’t any of your goddamn business—"

“It becomes my goddamn business when Jihoon almost has a fucking anxiety attack because of you!” Seungcheol barks.

The anger Soonyoung feels disappears like it never existed. Seungcheol’s retort snaps him out of his blindness and he blinks rapidly, his gaze shifting to Jihoon. His throat feels dry. He always promised himself his number one priority would be to look after Jihoon, and hearing that he was almost the cause of his anxiety attack — it makes him feel like a failure. 

“You—you almost—?” he stutters, swallowing thickly, hoping the younger would answer.

However, Jihoon’s head is bowed and his shoulders are shaking. A choked sob escapes his lips and Soonyoung has a split second to think—shit—before Jihoon sinks down onto his knees, hyperventilating.

“Fuck, Jihoon,” Seungcheol gasps, snapping out of his angry daze to rush to the younger’s side. “Jihoon, are you okay? Hey, calm down, Ji.”

Instead of calming down, Jihoon sobs again, rearing away from Seungcheol and shaking his head. The sight breaks Soonyoung’s heart, but when the dancer makes a move to approach them in the hopes of being able to comfort Jihoon, Seungcheol’s glare effectively stops him.

“You’ve already hurt him,” he scowls. “Don’t come any closer."

Soonyoung feels a bout of frustration well in his chest as he glares at Seungcheol in annoyance. “He’s having an anxiety attack, and you’re telling me to stop coming closer?” he asks incredulously. He can’t believe what he’s hearing. “I want to help him through it."

“You are going to make it worse,” Seungcheol hisses, placing an arm protectively around the producer.

“No!” Jihoon suddenly cries out, shoving Seungcheol’s arm away. He’s shaking his head as he scoots back, more tears welling in his eyes as his head whips around to find an outlet. However, the members are surrounding them and he seems to realize he’s trapped.

The next thing Soonyoung knows, Jihoon’s backing himself into a corner of the wall and curling up into a ball. Loud sobs erupt from his throat as he hides his face, and he’s still hyperventilating, his voice gradually getting louder.

“Jihoon?” Seungcheol asks worriedly, coming closer to the producer.

“Please stop,” Jihoon cries out, shaking his head vigorously. “I’m sorry, this is all my fault. Please—Please stop."

Soonyoung’s mind flashes with images of the memory. His heart leaps in his throat at the thought, but he can’t leave Jihoon alone; he needs to do something. He knows it’ll only be a matter of time before Jihoon’s anxiety blows up and then—and then he’ll be stuck not knowing what to do. He can see himself trying to approach Jihoon that day, trying to comfort him. He can see Jihoon kicking and screaming at them to get out and leave him alone and Soonyoung—he remembers feeling so helpless as he watched Jihoon cry out in fear. He remembers Jihoon barely coming out of his room the week after and it—it had been horrible. 

Soonyoung feels his breath hitch at the memory. He can’t see Jihoon look like that again, he can’t bear it. He needs to—needs to get to him, to comfort him, but he’s rooted to the floor. His head is foggy with the last bits of reminiscing and his heart is racing a mile a minute; he feels like he’s going to pass out. His hands are trembling and he can’t think clearly and the sound of Jihoon’s screaming is plugging his ears, traveling to his heart and freezing it with fear—

Someone places a hand on his shoulder and squeezes comfortingly. “Breathe,” Wonwoo reminds quietly. “None of us know what to do. We can’t lose you now."

Soonyoung listens to Wonwoo’s words, inhaling deeply as he tries to regain control of his senses. Jihoon needs him now, and he’s not being much help almost losing himself.

He exhales slowly, nods gratefully towards Wonwoo before cautiously making his way to Jihoon. Seungcheol makes a move to protest, clearly unhappy with what’s going on, but Jeonghan squeezes his shoulder warningly.

“Soonyoung knows how to deal with this,” Jeonghan murmurs, reprimanding. “Don’t make it any harder than it should be."

Soonyoung quietly squats in front of Jihoon’s curled-up form and begins shushing him softly. The younger man doesn’t look at him and seems to curl up further into his ball form. His sobs are still loud, but not as harsh as a few minutes ago.

“Jihoon,” Soonyoung murmurs, holding out his hands. “Can I touch you?"

“No,” Jihoon shudders, shaking his head. “No, don’t. Please, just—just stop."

“Okay, okay,” Soonyoung soothes and his hands drop by his sides, crestfallen. He sits on the ground. “Do you want some space? I’ll leave on your calming playlist—"

“No!” Jihoon exclaims and his hands shoot forward abruptly, uncurling from his balled-up state. However, once he realizes what he’s doing, he stills. His hands are out and trembling nervously, like he was about to reach for Soonyoung. His eyes waver as he hesitantly backs down. His voice is shaky as he speaks, “Don’t go. I’m sorry—I’m so sorry. Don’t—Don’t leave me, please. Don’t hate me..."

“Hey, hey,” Soonyoung hushes, shaking his head. “I’m not going to leave you, okay? I don’t hate you. Can I touch you?” 

Jihoon sniffs, but he raises his hands again and Soonyoung intertwines their fingers reassuringly. The producer seems to have calmed down slightly at the touch, squeezing their hands together lightly and Soonyoung’s heart quivers.

“Talk to me,” Soonyoung murmurs gently, gently waving their hands back and forth. “Tell me what’s on your mind. Why would you think I’d hate you?"

Jihoon shies away, bowing his head in embarrassment. “B-Because I told—I told Cheol about—about what’s been going on be-between us lately and I—I know he—he wasn’t s-supposed to get involved with—with the situation, but I told him anyways because I thought—I thought you h-hated me when I—when I tried to k-kiss you l-last week and I—I couldn’t s-stop think—thinking about—about what you said. Then you started—you started a-avoiding me the—the week after and I—I thought I f-fucked up—“ Jihoon begins choking on his words as a sob escapes his throat.

Soonyoung’s heart is absolutely torn. He thought Jihoon was angry at him that night, he thought he had fucked up their relationship, but it turns out, Jihoon feels the same way. He feels guilt gnaw in the pit of his stomach.

“Jihoon,” Soonyoung starts, but the producer is shaking his head. Soonyoung lowers his head in an attempt to lock their eyes together but Jihoon keeps pulling away, avoiding his gaze. “Jihoon, look at me. Jihoon. Look at me, Hoonie. I’m not mad, okay? I could never hate you. What I said that night—I said it because I thought it was for the best."

“What?” Jihoon asks in disbelief, but his expression looks hurt. “Do you—Do you really not—not like me that much? You should’ve—you should’ve told me s-straight up."

Soonyoung gapes at him and Jihoon tries to pull his hands away, his eyes welling with tears again. The dancer realizes how his statement could’ve been taken the wrong way, but Jihoon doesn’t know his true intentions.

“No, no, that’s not what I meant!” Soonyoung says frantically, tightening his grip on Jihoon’s hands. “I swear, it’s not because I don’t like you, it’s—it’s just—"

“Then what did you mean?” Jihoon snarls, glaring at the elder through his blurry vision. “If you’re going to tell me, tell me straight up. I’m tired—of trying to read the signs and having you—having you break my heart over and over again."

“Jihoon,” Soonyoung whimpers pleadingly. He feels a drop in his stomach when he hears Jihoon’s statement, and it’s like a slap to his face. He never meant for it to go this far. “I promise, I didn’t mean to—"

“Cut the bullshit,” Jihoon spits, attempting to tug his hands away, and Soonyoung feels his own heart break. “Just fucking tell me the truth. Why—Why do you keep—"

“Because you deserve someone better!” Soonyoung bursts out, and Jihoon falls silent, stunned. Soonyoung’s heart is racing. 

He knows now. He’ll realize—He’ll realize why I’m saying this and then he’ll—he’ll realize that I’m right.

“I—Soonyoung..." Jihoon begins softly, but Soonyoung shakes his head.

The dancer breathes deeply and lets his heart speak for itself. “When I last took care of you, you were relapsing. I remembered pulling the blankets back and you—you looked so scared. You were crying and you didn’t seem to let anyone else comfort you but me. A few minutes later, Seungcheol-hyung was knocking on the door with your medicine and when I went to get it, you grabbed my wrist and you—and you told me don’t go. Some part of me was saying that—that you wanted me to stay, but another part of me was saying that you were only saying it because you were scared, and you didn’t really need me."

Soonyoung swallows thickly as he continues. “When I went to open the door, Seungcheol-hyung was on the other side, and he looked really worried about you. He asked me if you needed anything else and then he thanked me for watching after you. I told him he would’ve done the same thing if he were in my place and I—I couldn’t stop thinking about how different things would’ve been if he was the one taking care of you instead of me. I thought—I thought you guys would look good together, and it—it felt...painful. When he thanked me, it felt like I was being thanked for being a replacement, but I know he wasn’t thinking about it like that, he was only trying to look out for you. When I went back to check up on you, the thoughts—just kept coming. I remembered thinking if Jihoon chooses to love Seungcheol, he’s not gonna love an asshole."

“Soonyoung...” Jihoon gasps, but Soonyoung drops his hands, head bowed as he covers his face.

Through the mirror, the dancer can see Seungcheol looking at him with wide eyes, obviously surprised with the new information. 

Soonyoung keeps going. “Night time came around, and Mingyu arrived with the food. He offered to sleep in your room with Wonwoo because he thought you’d be more comfortable if I was in the room with you. He was still in the room when I woke you up so you could eat, but I guess that was my mistake. You had a mini panic attack when you saw him and I don’t think you realized you almost fell off the bed. I had to get you to look at me so he’d be able to leave, and you calmed down pretty quickly. I remembered thinking that maybe someday, I’d help you learn that—it’s okay to be vulnerable sometimes, to show your emotions—but now I realize how much of a hypocrite I am."

Jihoon reaches for his hands again, but Soonyoung doesn’t take it as he begins speaking again, leaning away. “I asked if you felt like eating and you said yes. I didn’t—I wasn’t expecting you to ask me to feed you and I had to calm down before I got too excited, but then you fed me. You told me you’d feel guilty if you were the only one eating, and I thought that you were just being a good friend."

He doesn’t stop talking. "You asked me to tell you how the choreography is coming along, but I didn’t want to overwhelm you because I know I talk a lot, so I said I didn’t want to give spoilers. When I told you as much, you looked so sad and told me you let me listen to your demos first. I thought it was only because I was the choreographer and you didn’t want me to hold the group back. I spaced out after that, but you apologized for asking, so I told you I just had a lot on my mind. You offered to listen to me, and in that moment, I wanted—I wanted to tell you everything; how I’ve been feeling about Seungcheol, how you deserve someone better, how much I...I love you, but I told you that it was okay, that I didn’t want to bother you with my nonsense. I tried changing the subject, saying I would tell you the choreography spoilers then. I thought to myself that I’d be okay, that if it’s for your benefit, I’ll be okay. If you were happy, I wouldn’t mind getting hurt."

“Soonyoung,” Jihoon sniffs. “Soonyoung, why...?” His eyes are welling with tears again, cheeks flushed with emotion as he stares at Soonyoung. There’s a hundred things flashing in his eyes that the dancer can’t think to decipher right now, so Soonyoung doesn’t answer. Instead, he continues with his side of the story.

“You finished eating then, so I told you that I’d go to the kitchen to wash the plates. I told you that I had some spare clothes you can use, and you asked if I was gonna sleep in my room. You said you could go back to your room, that you’ve already inconvenienced me enough. I thought that you didn’t want to be with me anymore, that you were tired of me. However, I told you that it’s okay and explained what Mingyu had offered to do. I told you what Mingyu said, which was completely unintentional, but you looked embarrassed. I thought you didn’t want to, that you could go back to your room, but you said you’d sleep in my room. It was awkward, and I didn’t know what to think of it."

Soonyoung sighs, feeling shame creeping up on him as he says the next part. “I go to the kitchen and Wonwoo comes out from his room. Apparently, Mingyu had told him what he had seen when you had the mini panic attack. He said our interaction was...intimate. I told him I was only trying to take care of you so you’d feel better the next day. He told me I should confess, but I...I didn’t think the same way. We ended up arguing; I told him how I felt, that you deserve better, that we aren’t—meant for each other. He told me to give you a chance, that you can make your own decisions too, and that if I wasn’t willing to try, then we really aren’t meant for each other."

Soonyoung sees Wonwoo nod in agreement through the mirror and he sighs.

“So I go back into the room and you—you came out from the bathroom, uh,” Soonyoung feels his cheeks warm up, and Jihoon doesn’t look any better. He clears his throat. “Right, anyway. When I finished showering, you were still up. You told me you couldn’t sleep, so I asked if you wanted to talk about it. You said you’ve bothered me enough as it is and thanked me for taking care of you. I told you that you aren’t a bother, that it’s okay to admit how you’re feeling, that no matter what, we’d be here for you through thick and thin. Then—Then, you asked me if I’d...sleep with you, and I thought—I thought I was dreaming, and when we went to sleep, you cuddled me and said just for tonight. I thought—I thought I had a chance then, but my thoughts just kept coming and—and all I could end up thinking was that everything was gonna go back to normal the next day.”

Jihoon sniffs and he looks guilty, which isn’t Soonyoung’s intentions, so he raises his hands and gently brushes Jihoon’s tears away.

“Don’t cry,” he whispers. “It isn’t your fault."

Jihoon leans into his hand, eyes pink and puffy. “You should’ve told me,” he says, and his voice cracks. “You were hurting, Soonyoung, and I had—I had no idea—"

Soonyoung shakes his head arguably. “It was my choice to keep it to myself. I chose not to tell you because I didn’t want you to feel like I was forcing my feelings onto you and make you feel trapped."

Jihoon seems to cry harder at that, his own hand coming up to cover Soonyoung’s hand resting on his cheek. He doesn’t say anything else, so Soonyoung decides to fill in the void.

“The next morning rolls around and we’re both up then.” Soonyoung’s voice begins to waver. “When you and Seungcheol-hyung began talking again, I couldn’t handle it, so I went to wash my dish. I remember not wanting to be in the dorm anymore, I didn’t want to see you guys reunite, as selfish as it is,” Soonyoung exhales shakily as his voice cracks, and Jihoon squeezes his hand gently, patiently. “I turned around, and you guys—you guys were hugging. I know it was—it was because you missed each other, and I shouldn’t have been so emotional about it, but I—I kept thinking that you guys are meant to be. I remember all my hope from the night before just shatter. I needed to get out, but then some of the members caught me, so instead, I said that I had to catch up with the choreography. I was about to leave, but then you saw me too. You asked if I was still going to the restaurant that night, and all I could think about was that you didn’t really want me there, that you were just scared of falling into another panic attack, so I said yes."

“Soonyoung,” Seungcheol’s voice comes, softly. He doesn’t sound angry anymore, just upset. “Jihoon and I are only friends."

“I know that,” Soonyoung says sharply, but then he apologizes for his rudeness. “Wonwoo...he tried getting me to see it when he went to pick me up. At the time, I was too tired to move, and I was debating on whether or not I should still go to the restaurant. We made up, and I told him that I knew he only had Jihoon’s best interest in mind, but then he told me he was looking out for the both of us. He told me he was only trying to get me to realize that I did have a chance with Jihoon, but I still had my doubts then."

“I asked if the reason he won’t confess to Jihoon because of his fears or because he’s scared of getting hurt,” Wonwoo says, pushing his glasses up. 

“I guess it’s a bit of both,” Soonyoung admits, taking his hand away from Jihoon’s cheek to intertwine their fingers together instead. “I’m confessing to you now though, it’s too late to take anything back."

Jihoon nods, but Soonyoung knows he wants to hear the full story, so he begins again.

”So I go to the restaurant with Wonwoo, and you’re already there with an empty seat. I remember feeling happy, happy that you saved me a seat and wanted to sit next to me. I remember thinking that I’d let myself go for tonight, so I wouldn’t ruin it for anyone else. Joshua-hyung said you got worried, and you denied it, but I know it’s your own way of showing your concern. Then, we bickered over that piece of bulgogi and in the end, I had you feed me unintentionally. I didn’t think you’d actually do it. I wanted to return the favor, so I did, but...I ended up wiping the sauce off your lips,” Soonyoung flushes again and Jihoon smiles shyly.

“Seungcheol-hyung said we should get married, but we only retaliated, and I accidentally said that our three eldest were already sweet enough as it is, which—by the way—“ Soonyoung looks at Seungcheol through the mirror pointedly, “how interesting."

Light chuckles float around the room as their three eldest blush and groan.

“Anyway.” Soonyoung smiles weakly, turning back to Jihoon. “I ended up enjoying myself and I got to feed you more lettuce wraps and trying to make you laugh, which worked. At the time, I wasn’t thinking about the what if’s or the I can’t’s. I was just enjoying myself, and in the end we all were."

“Then we went to the park,” Jihoon says softly.

“Then we went to the park,” Soonyoung repeats. He falls quiet for a moment, staring at their intertwined hands. “You came up to me and commented on my sitting posture and when I didn’t bother to move, you let me lay my head on your lap. You told me you wanted to repay me for taking care of you and said you thought you’d be able to handle it. I told you that you’d be able to hold it under control one day, that if you can’t realize what’s going on in your head, at least have someone to help you through it. I was telling you that because of what happened five years ago, and I got emotional just thinking about it."

“You said you didn’t want to see me like that again,” Jihoon murmurs.

“I don’t,” Soonyoung agrees, “and I almost did earlier. You tried comforting me, but you sucked at it. When I turned around, we—we almost—"

“Kissed,” Jihoon finishes, eyes lowering.

“Yeah,” Soonyoung breathes. “But then, Seungcheol-hyung said it was time to go, and all I could think about was how I could let myself get carried away? All this time, I was—I was trying to remind myself that we aren’t meant for each other. You asked me why we weren’t going to talk about what had just happened, and I — I couldn’t give you a clear answer. I just told you that we should stay as friends because I was scared. I thought it was for the best."

“Why?” Jihoon whispers. “After—After everything we did, the—the comforting, the feeding, the sleeping together? We almost kissed..."

Soonyoung gnaws on his bottom lip and his eyes begin to water. He’s suddenly hit with a wave of emotion, and this time, he doesn’t stop himself. “I thought—I thought I’d be able to get over you, but I still wanted to be friends. When we started avoiding each other, I thought you’d find someone better, and I was—I was ready to let you go. My mind was thinking that the faster I get over you, the faster you’d realize that I wasn’t—I’m not who you want.”

Jihoon looks like he’s about to cry again. Soonyoung untangles their fingers painfully and pulls his hand away, and it’s like watching his heart unravel. He blows out a soft breath as he scoots back. He sits on his heels, brings his knees close together, then leans forward until his forehead is touching the ground, hands on either side of his head. 

“Soonyoung—“ Jihoon gasps, and his voice cracks when he realizes the full extent of Soonyoung’s apology.

“I guess I couldn’t get over you fast enough. I’m sorry,” Soonyoung whispers weakly. “I’m so sorry, Jihoon. I’m sorry for hurting you, for making you think that I was leading you on. I didn’t know how much I was hurting you because of my own stupidity. You’ll—You’ll find someone else, someone better than me, someone who can take care of you. I want you to find someone who can make you happy, and—and whoever that is...no matter what, I’ll always—I’ll always be here to support you.” He raises himself up from his bow.

“Why do you keep thinking that?” Jihoon shakes his head, reaching for Soonyoung’s hands once more. “You keep—you keep telling me to find someone else, but you don’t get to make that decision for me. You’re telling me to—to find someone who can take care of me, but why would I need to find someone when that person is already in front of me?"

“Jihoon — "

“No, let me talk. It’s my turn,” Jihoon says fiercely, leaning forward. “When I last relapsed, I didn’t let anyone else comfort me. I was—I was waiting for you, because you take care of me better than anybody else can. When you went to answer Seungcheol-hyung to grab my medicine, I—I pulled you back because I did want you to stay, and—okay, maybe it was because I was scared, but I needed you at the time, whether it was because of my relapse or not, I still wanted you to stay regardless."

Jihoon sighs as he explains the next part. “Seungcheol-hyung and I are only friends, Soonyoung. I might’ve told you I had feelings for him five years ago, but that was five years ago . I don’t know if you know this, but a lot of things can happen in five years. Most things don’t stay the same within that time span, not even my feelings. You know, it disgusts me to even think of Cheol like that now anyway. He’s like an older brother to me, I’m pretty sure I’ve said that in the past."

“Excuse me, why was I not informed of this—“ Seungcheol protests. “I didn’t know you had feelings for me!"

“Anyway,” Jihoon says loudly, glaring at the leader. He turns back to Soonyoung, his expression softening. “It wasn’t your fault I had a mini panic attack the night I saw Mingyu. Like you said before, it’s going to come back whether I least expect it or not, and it’s not something I can control yet. I calmed down because you took instant action and you kept reassuring me that everything was okay, that nobody was going to hurt me."

Jihoon squeezes his hand lightly. “I asked you to feed me because—because I just wanted you to. I fed you because I wanted to. I know—super unusual for Lee Jihoon, right?"

“Super,” Soonyoung whispers, cracking a smile.

Jihoon returns his smile as he continues. “I didn’t mean to guilt-trip you when I said that I let you listen to my demos first, that was purely unintentional. It’s not because you’re the choreographer or because I don’t want you to hold the group back either. It’s because you’re the only person who can be honest with how it sounds without sugarcoating anything, and I appreciate that. I wish you would’ve told me how you were feeling that night when I offered for you to tell me."

“Like I said, I didn’t want to make you feel like I was forcing you to accept my feelings,” Soonyoung says softly. 

“How could it feel forced when I return your feelings?” Jihoon asks incredulously.

“How was I supposed to know?” Soonyoung questions, but they don’t say anything about the mention of returning feelings.

“After I finished eating,” Jihoon starts, a light flush on his neck. “I asked if you were gonna sleep in your room because I really didn’t want to be such a burden to you. You were already taking care of me, I didn’t want you to put more work on your shoulders when it’s my stuff to deal with. What—What Mingyu said about me being more comfortable sleeping with you—it’s true. I thought you didn’t want me in your room because like I said, you were already doing so many things for me. I didn’t ask you to, but I was—I was too afraid to say no because I thought you’d—you’d stop pampering me."

Soonyoung blinks, watching the light flush on Jihoon’s neck spread to his face and turn two shades darker. “You...didn’t...want me to stop...pampering you?"

“Not the point. Anyway,” Jihoon blurts out nervously. “I wasn’t expecting you to be there when I came out of the bathroom, but that’s also not the point. When we had that conversation about it being okay to admit how I’m feeling, it just—I don’t know. I just felt so overwhelmed with how—how genuine you looked when you said it so I—I asked you to sleep with me because your words were that comforting. Once we got into bed, you asked if this was the part where we cuddled, and of course, I got flustered, but the idea of it kept coming into my mind and I—we did end up cuddling."

“The next morning, there were no thoughts in my mind that said we would go back to normal, because first of all, we ended up feeding each other and sleeping with each other the night before,” Jihoon says. “I thought—I thought you’d finally confront me and we’d end up somehow confessing to each other, but it ended up with you heading towards the practice room to supposedly ‘work on the choreography’ when in actuality, you just didn’t want to see me and Seungcheol. I was—admittedly—a little disappointed to see you leaving, especially with what happened the night before. I thought I was getting somewhere, so I asked if you were still going to the restaurant."

“Disappointed?” Soonyoung asks, surprised.

“I mean, yeah,” Jihoon huffs in disbelief. “Like I said, I thought we’d confess to each other because of everything we did the night before, but nothing happened, so I tried to keep my hopes up and texted you saying I was gonna save you a seat. I remember feeling so relieved you came, and maybe Joshua-hyung was right about me being worried. I thought I did something wrong, but you came in and acted so happy and I—I didn’t question it, not even when you kept feeding me lettuce wraps."

“Then we went to the park,” Jihoon begins.

“Then we went to the park,” Soonyoung echoes, and they both share a knowing smile.

“I did want to repay you for taking care of me, but most of all, I just wanted to talk to you,” Jihoon admits. "I wasn’t expecting our conversation to take a turn for the worst, especially when you started crying about what happened five years ago. You said if I can’t realize what’s happening in my head, I should at least have someone help me through it. You said you didn’t want to see me like that again."

“I don’t,” Soonyoung agrees.

“I tried to reassure you, didn’t work, whatever, we almost kissed,” Jihoon says dismissively. He takes a deep breath and his voice turns quiet. “When you told me it was best for us to stay friends, I thought—I thought you were disgusted with me. I thought I was reading all the signs wrong, that you were just being your overly-affectionate self with all the feeding and cuddling. I thought I messed up and I—I ruined our friendship."

Soonyoung’s heart breaks at the sight of Jihoon’s teary eyes. The producer continues. “When we started avoiding each other, that’s when the thoughts started coming. I kept—I kept having nightmares whenever I tried to sleep. I thought I genuinely screwed up because you wouldn’t—you wouldn’t even look at me. I locked myself in the studio, but Seungcheol-hyung found me eventually. I told him everything, and I—I almost fell under again just trying to talk about it. He had no idea what to do either."

“In my defense, that was scary,” Seungcheol exclaims, crossing his arms. “I have to applaud Soonyoung for remaining so calm."

“See?” Jihoon murmurs, locking gazes with Soonyoung. “Nobody can take care of me better than you can. You keep telling me to find someone better, but I only want you. I don’t need some sort of Prince Charming when I already have an idiot who loves me just as much as I love him."

“God...Jihoon,” Soonyoung chokes, bowing his head. “You can’t—don’t say that. You shouldn’t love me."

“Why can’t I?” Jihoon demands fiercely. “You don’t get to make that decision for me. I love you, Soonyoung. You said it yourself that you want me to find someone who can make me happy, and I don’t know if you know this, but that someone is you."

“Why me?” Soonyoung asks, voice cracking once more.

“Why not?” Jihoon retorts, but there’s a smile on his face as he leans forward to gently knock their foreheads together. “Why not you?"

“I—I don’t—“ Soonyoung stutters, not really knowing what to say. “I don’t know. You could have anyone in the world, absolutely anyone...but you choose me."

“And I choose you,” Jihoon corrects, and just that small difference in his tone makes Soonyoung’s heart melt. “So get that through your thick skull."

Soonyoung can’t help but laugh wetly, something small and shy and muddled with tears. Their eyes connect and the dancer can’t bring himself to look away. There’s a hundred things flashing in Jihoon’s eyes that’s making Soonyoung feel things fluttering in his stomach, and this time, he can decipher each emotion clearly. 

“I guess I’ve been an idiot lately,” Soonyoung whispers, watching Jihoon’s eyes close. “I’m so sorry you had to deal with my stupidity. I guess...I’ve been in my head for too long.”

Jihoon’s lips curl up, but he doesn’t open his eyes.

He looks pretty like this, Soonyoung thinks affectionately.

“In your defense, we were both reading each other wrong,” Jihoon murmurs back. “I think we’re okay.”

”Hey, lovebirds.”

They both jerk away from each other, hearts pounding and faces red as their heads whips around to face their members, completely forgotten in the midst of their heart-to-heart conversations.

”Okay, look,” Seungcheol says with a knowing smirk. “I know that you’ve just made up with each other and all, but mind making it official? We’ll have an excuse to celebrate and take the day off.”

”Cheol!” Jeonghan admonishes, but he’s shaking his head in amusement. “There’s no rush. Just let them be.”

”I think I need some tissues,” Seungkwan sniffs, wiping his watery eyes. “Soonyoung-hyung and Jihoon-hyung are so cute, their confessions were so sweet!”

”You too?” Seokmin laughs wetly, pointing at the other main vocalist. “God, I was trying not to sob, but they were both crying, it was hard not to.”

“You all are so weird,” Minghao sighs, looking simultaneously disappointed and proud. 

“Come on, Hao-Hao,” Junhui croons. “It was a sweet confession, you have to admit.”

Minghao sighs, crossing his arms as he leans back on Junhui’s chest. “It was sweet,” he admits.

”I caught everything on camera,” Joshua says proudly, holding his phone up. “We’ll use this on their wedding day!”

”Hyung!” Soonyoung and Jihoon exclaim simultaneously, faces turning a darker shade of red.

”Yeah, Joshua-hyung!” Hansol cheers, clapping his hands. Mingyu and Wonwoo cheers along with him, laughing at the ridiculousness of it all.

”Does this mean Cheol-hyung, Hannie-hyung, and Shua-hyung will get together too?” Chan questions innocently. “I remember Soonyoungie-hyung saying something about them.”

The room turns into an uproar almost instantly; the three eldest are suddenly the victims of the yelling going on, trying to explain themselves only to fail miserably. 

“They’re all so dumb,” Jihoon sighs, and Soonyoung turns to face him again. “I can’t believe Joshua-hyung recorded the whole thing. I’m going to kill him.”

”You love them,” Soonyoung teases lightly, pushing their foreheads together again gently. “And don’t kill Shua-hyung. I want to see the video on our wedding day.”

Jihoon’s cheeks immediately flood with color, and Soonyoung feels his heart warm at the sight. “You’re an idiot,” Jihoon grumbles, for a lack of a better comeback. His tone is fond, however, for him to mean it.

”You’re in love with this idiot,” Soonyoung says, albeit a little shyly. “So? Do you want to make it official?” It feels weird to say it, but his chest feels so much lighter than it has for the past month. He doesn’t feel a pressuring weight on his chest, doesn’t feel any guilt or regret.

Jihoon hums, twiddling with Soonyoung’s hand and fiddling with the group ring on his pinky. The producer lets his fingers trace over his knuckles, his callouses, and he pinches his squishy skin playfully and says, “I don’t know. I’ll have to do a rain check on that question. Take me on a date first.”

Soonyoung splutters, but lets out a chuckle. “A date first? And where does Lee Jihoon feel like going on our first date?”

Jihoon blushes, ducks his head, and murmurs, “To that park where we almost kissed. I want to go there, when we—when we have our next free time.”

”Oh,” Soonyoung breathes. “Okay. To the park then.”

Jihoon looks up at him, eyes turning into beautiful crescent moons and smiling as radiant and as lovely as the sun, and Soonyoung—

Soonyoung is in love.

Their confessions were a bit overdue, but he thinks everything will fall into place soon enough.

"Hey Jihoonie, if you didn’t love Seungcheol, would there be another person you love?"

A quirk of an eyebrow.

"Why do you ask?"

A shrug.

"Just curious."

"I mean, I guess."

Another shrug.

"Really? Who?"

A teasing smile.

"Definitely you."