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1. The Party
“Oh my god, my head is pounding,” Audrey groans, rolling off of the couch and onto the floor, letting herself lay limp against the plush rug her Dad loves so much.
“Here.”
Audrey blinks open her eyes to see her older sister, Tracy, holding out water and a bottle of aspirin, a knowing smirk on her face.
“You’re an angel,” Audrey sighs, propping herself up against the couch with way too much effort.
“And you’re hungover,” Tracy says pointedly, crossing her arms and looking scarily like Kurt. “I thought you said that, as a dancer, your body is something you need to take care of?”
Audrey snorts, tossing back two capsules and a swig of water. “That was before the blue raspberry vodka came into play. That stuff didn’t even taste like alcohol, Trace.”
“Well, you better act more chipper as fast as possible, because Dad and Pops just texted that they’re on their way home.”
Audrey’s eyes grow wide. “What time is it?”
“Almost three in the afternoon,” Tracy replies. “You knocked out on the couch at five in the morning after everyone left. And don’t worry, us sober kids made sure all of the inebriated people got taxis home.”
Audrey nods. “Thanks. Was I really that drunk? You know I don’t drink that much. Like, ever.”
“I know. But like you said, you fell in love with some blue raspberry vodka that Brice brought, and that was all it took.”
“Curse you, Brice St. James,” Audrey mutters. “Remind me to slap him at our next extended family dinner.”
“Noted,” Tracy grins. “The boys are upstairs sleeping off their respective hangovers as well, so I’m going to go wake them to get them looking fresh faced for our dads.”
“God, that must’ve been a great party,” Audrey laughs. “All I really remember was a lot of dancing and bad karaoke. And that’s saying something, considering the talent we have in our friend groups.”
Tracy shrugs, but a small smile tugs at her lips. “I’m not the biggest fan of the alcohol, but I’m a fan of the photos I took while everyone else was too oblivious.”
Audrey gasps. “Send them to me! I want to see them!”
Tracy grins, pulling out her phone. “Okay. I’ll send them to Finn and Dalton too.”
A few moments later, Tracy hits send and turns off her phone, heading for the stairs. “I’ll be back soon. Just going to wake up the boys.”
“Okay, cool,” Audrey replies, opening up her phone at the sound of the text alert, immediately clicking on the dimly-lit, slightly blurry photo set.
There’s a bunch of hilarious pictures of her, her siblings, and all of their friends and cousins, rocking out to music and dancing drunkenly, drinks in hand. Audrey can’t help but laugh at the photos — it was some night. And they managed to get through it without trashing their house, so that’s a plus.
Suddenly, Audrey’s phone dings again, and thinking it’s probably one of the boys replying to the pictures, she minimizes the photos to respond.
Dad: When we get home, I expect you to all be in the living room. We are going to have a long chat about this.
Audrey blanches. Oh my god. Tracy sent the pictures to their group chat with their dads.
Pops: And if anything in the house is damaged or out of place right now, I’d highly suggest fixing it before we get home.
Suddenly, there’s rapid footsteps sounding on the stairs, and Audrey’s three siblings suddenly appear in the living room, all looking more horrified than they ever have in their entire life.
Dalton swallows, hard. “We’re dead. All of us.”
2. The House is Empty
Finn and Dalton are twins, so naturally, they tell each other everything. There’s no secrets between the two of them, and there’s no one in the world either of them trust more.
Thus, when Dalton and Sawyer (finally, in Finn’s eyes) get together, Finn aims to make Dalton feel comfortable coming to him to talk about his relationship right from the start. They’re brothers. He’ll never judge Dalton, and Dalton will never judge him.
One night, a few months into Dalton and Sawyer’s relationship, Finn and Dalton happened to be getting ready for bed around the same time, which means that they ran into each other in their jack-and-jill bathroom.
Finn’s washing his face (their Dad ingrained a good skincare regimen into each one of them from a very young age) as Dalton’s brushing his teeth next to him, looking more than a little bit tense.
Finn glances over at him through the mirror, and he doesn’t even get the chance to ask what’s wrong before Dalton blurts it out, muffled by toothpaste still filling his mouth.
“Sawyer and I had sex.”
Finn blinks once, twice, over at his twin. Dalton, taking his silence for having misheard what he said, leans over to the sink and spits out what’s in his mouth.
“I said, Sawyer and I had sex,” he repeats, his face blushing bright red. “We’re having sex? Had sex? Does it technically continue if you’re not planning to stop?”
Dalton has a tendency to ramble when he gets nervous or embarrassed, just like their Pops, and Finn knows he needs to put a stop to this right away for both of their sakes.
“Okay, that’s great,” Finn says carefully, breaking the silence. “How are you feeling? Are you happy? Do you regret it?”
Dalton shakes his head. “No, not for a minute. I feel great, I mean, it was great, Sawyer’s great...”
Dalton’s beaming now, looking a little lost in thought, and Finn finds it simultaneously endearing and, because it’s his brother, slightly disturbing.
“Dalton,” Finn snaps his fingers in his twin’s face. “Come back to me, buddy. I don’t need to know what you’re thinking about right now, even though it’s painfully obvious.”
Dalton flushes bright red again. “Sorry. I uh, I just couldn’t hide that from you. It’s a big part of my life, and you already know everything about me, so...”
Finn smiles softly at him. “Hey, no judgment here. We’re twins. You can tell me anything. I’m happy for you.”
“Thanks,” Dalton says softly, happily accepting the hug that Finn offers him. “Now I just need to figure out how I can casually ask Audrey for her concealer without her figuring it out.”
“Why?”
Dalton shifts the neck of his t-shirt to the side just slightly, revealing a bright hickey. He looks at it sheepishly in the mirror, refusing to meet Finn’s eyes. “Wow. It got darker.”
“Of course you got Pops’ genes,” Finn jokes. “If only you were me, with Dad’s vampire white skin, you could ask Tracy and she wouldn’t even bat an eye. Audrey’s going to tease you mercilessly.”
Dalton groans. “Is it too hot out to wear a turtleneck?”
“Yes.”
Needless to say, there are no secrets between the boys. From that night on, Finn and Dalton became more casual when the need to discuss Dalton’s sex life arose, such as when Finn knew to make himself scarce if he, Dalton, and Sawyer were the only ones in the house.
Today is one of those days. Audrey’s at dance practice for another two hours, and Tracy’s working an evening shift at her summer job at a nearby art gallery. Kurt and Blaine decided to head to the grocery store in the evening, where it’s a little less busy, leaving the twins home alone.
Sawyer’s over in less than twenty minutes.
Knowing that just a few rooms over, his twin brother is probably resisting the urge to get down and dirty with his boyfriend (Finn knows that Dalton gets a little peeved about doing anything remotely heated in an occupied house ever since Audrey walked in on them making out at the start of their relationship), Finn decides to throw him a bone (no pun intended) and go check out that new vintage record shop he’s had his eye on.
Swiping open his phone, Finn grabs his keys and wallet and is out the door in a flash.
Finn: Place’s empty, just an FYI. Going to check out that new record shop. Be back in a little over an hour or so.
Dalton’s reply shoots back almost immediately.
Dalton: Bless your kind soul.
Finn grins, slipping his phone into his back pocket, heading in the direction of the store. It’s in walking distance from their building, so it shouldn’t take him long to get there. Maybe he’ll buy a hot dog and dawdle for a bit if this doesn’t take as long as he anticipated.
Ding!
Finn takes his phone out of his back pocket and swipes open the new message without a second thought.
Pops: I don’t think you meant to send that in the group chat.
Finn freezes, and the guy walking behind him knocks into him before he can realize that his motor skills have just stopped working altogether.
He totally just revealed that his twin and his boyfriend have been sneakily getting it on when everyone’s out of the house.
His phone dings again, and Finn knows his brother. He’s not going to text again until he’s... unoccupied, so this has to be someone else from the group chat. Tracy’s at work and Audrey’s at practice, so...
Dad: We’re not mad. Just be prepared for a little talk when we get home.
Finn slides his phone back into the pocket of his jeans, pressing onward towards the store with even more enthusiasm than before. He might end up staying there much longer than he thought.
3. Ruining the Anniversary Surprise
It’s Kurt and Blaine’s anniversary next week, and their kids decided do to something special to celebrate their dads. They knew that their parents would be going out to a fancy dinner and a show afterwards, so they thought it might be nice to decorate the house and then vacate the premises for the night. It is a weekend anyway, and the kids are mature enough to recognize that even their dads want alone time every now and again.
Audrey: Here, how about these rose petals? They’re fake but they look real, so Dad won’t have to worry about them getting crushed into the rugs if they accidentally step on them.
Audrey attaches an Amazon link to the group chat.
Finn: good idea. What candles do you think they’d prefer? Floral scents or fruity scents?
Tracy: a mixture of both. Nothing too old lady perfumey, tho.
Dalton: make sure there’s some raspberry scented things! You know that dad loves that smell because it reminds him of the hair gel pops used to wear
Audrey immediately types into google a search for raspberry-scented bubble bath, copying and pasting a link immediately.
Audrey: too much? Or is this a good idea?
Finn: despite the horror of imagining what our dads will be doing in the bath we’re setting up for them, I think it’s great
Tracy: I mean, we’re decorating their room and bathroom with rose petals. We’re basically inviting them to get it on.
Dalton: is this weird?
Audrey: nah
Finn: nope
Tracy: maybe, but who cares?
Finn: WE NEED TO GET THEM MATCHING PAJAMAS
Finn: you know how much dad secretly loves that and how much pops openly loves that
Dalton: great idea, but we all know dad is soooooo picky about his pjs
Tracy: true.
Audrey: what about taking that idea and just getting them a gag gift? Like matching heart boxers? What if we get them ones that say husbands on the butt?
Finn: omg yes
Tracy: I hate it but I also love it
Dalton: we’re the best and worst kids ever
Audrey grins to herself, finding a decent pair on Amazon again (complete with “husband” embroidered on the back sides of them) and she copies the link to her clipboard.
Suddenly, Pops texts then from the family group chat.
Pops: dinner’s ready!
Audrey sends back a quick affirmative response and then, as she’s making her way downstairs for dinner, pastes the link into a message for the just kids group chat.
Just after she clicks send, she realizes her grave mistake. She never exited the family group chat to begin with.
“What’re these for?” Blaine asks amusedly when she reaches the table, wiggling his phone, which currently displays the boxers she meant to send to just her siblings.
“Uh...” Audrey stammers, and Kurt glances over Blaine’s shoulder as he enters the dining room.
“Oh my god, what are those?” He half-laughs, half-scoffs, looking to Audrey as well.
As if on cue, all of their phones ding in unison.
Finn: way to ruin the anniversary surprise, Audrey
4. The Unfortunate Sexts
“Married sex is boring” is a mantra that neither Kurt nor Blaine chose to believe when they first got married, and they still don’t believe it over twenty years later.
Their sex life is very exciting, thank you very much. And though they can admit that they’re not the kids they used to be, they’re still just as attracted to each other as they were when they tied the knot, and that’s got to count for something, right?
Sometimes, however, Kurt and Blaine like to pretend they’re young again, and one of the ways that they often go about fulfilling this idea is through sexting. Even when they’re in the same house, surrounded by their four kids, nothing says “we’ve still got it!” like receiving a steamy text or suggestive picture from your incredibly hot husband.
Kurt’s sitting downstairs in their living room, across from Finn, who is doing his homework on the couch. Kurt’s in his favorite chair by the window, casually sketching some potential ideas for a new jewelry collection he’s working on when his phone lights up with a text.
Blaine: about to hop in the shower. Want to join?
Kurt grins and types back his response.
Kurt: I’d love to, but I’m in the middle of sketching some ideas. If I finish them and you’re still in, I’ll join
Blaine: eh, don’t worry about it. Was going to make it quick anyway if you couldn’t join. We can still have fun later tonight ;)
Kurt rolls his eyes fondly.
Kurt: I’ll hold you to it.
Blaine: hey haters, scheduled sex is fun too!
Kurt: just get in the shower, B.
Blaine: I love youuuuuuuuu
Kurt: love you too
Kurt: now go get hot and wet and soapy without me
Blaine: ... I hate you
Kurt: no you don’t
Kurt sets down his phone and turns back to his drawing until, just over ten minutes later, his phone lights up again.
Blaine: you’re right, I don’t. Obviously. Look.
Attached to his text is a very, very suggestive picture of himself, obviously taken just out of the shower. Blaine’s smirking and giving his classic bedroom eyes right into the mirror, a white towel that hides nearly nothing hanging low and loose on his hips. His hair is still wet and already beginning to curl, and he looks positively delicious.
Blaine: I don’t think I can wait until later tonight. Want to come up here now and sort things out?
Kurt: don’t get dressed. Be up ASAP.
Kurt attempts to look casual as he stands from his seat and makes a beeline for the stairs, but a horrified shriek from his son stops him in his tracks.
“DAD! Oh my god, MY EYES!”
Kurt feels all of the life drain out of him, and he takes out his phone despite the sinking feeling in his stomach.
“THAT’S ON OUR GROUP CHAT!”
Sure enough, Blaine accidentally sent the picture and everything following it to the family group chat, meaning that Kurt sent his responses to the same chat. Which also means that Finn knows exactly where he’s going, as do all of his kids now.
Finn groans, scrubbing over his face. “Just go, Dad. I’ll recover once my eyes stop burning.”
Kurt’s phone starts dinging rapidly, and suddenly the group chat is filled with his kids responding in horror.
Tracy: I OPENED THESE MESSAGES WHILE OUT WITH FRIENDS AND NOW I HAVE TO EXPLAIN WHY MY SOUL JUST FLAT OUT LEFT MY BODY
Audrey: NOT ENOUGH TOWEL, POPS OMG
Dalton: i hate my life rn
Somehow, Kurt’s feet managed to carry him upstairs, finding Blaine sat buck naked on their bed, staring at his phone in horror.
“Well. That happened.”
Blaine’s head snaps up to look at him, mortification written all across his features. “I can never face my own kids again.”
Kurt shrugs, and while he knows the embarrassment will seep under his skin and stay there for awhile afterwards, he puts on a strong face for his husband.
“If it helps, it’s a great picture.”
Blaine laughs slightly. “Thanks, I guess.”
“And our kids are going to be avoiding us like the plague for at least a few hours...”
“You’re an absolute minx, Kurt Anderson-Hummel,” Blaine teases, the bright spark back in his eyes. “I can’t believe you’re not that affected by this.”
“I will be. But I’d rather be post-orgasm embarrassed than hopelessly turned on embarrassed,” he reasons, and Blaine laughs again.
“When you put it that way... that’s sound logic.”
“It absolutely is.”
Both of them turn their ringers to silent, ignoring the very harsh music they will eventually have to face. But for now, this is enough.