Work Text:
As the rain poured down on the windows, she sat there wondering if she was in the best place or not. It seemed to her that he didn't want her, didn't need her, didn't love her. Although he keeps telling her he does, he shows her the attention, the love that no one else does. Maybe he doesn't want her to leave because of how long they have been there, living together, waking up to each other. Even though he made the mistakes, it seemed she felt it was her fault. If only she would have tried harder, been better then the others. Maybe just maybe it wouldn't have happened, maybe she shouldn't have tried to find out. Maybe if she wouldn't have seen the messages, the pictures, if she wasn't on his camera being happy, smiling, taking pictures of herself and him. Her confidence had rose so high just to be broken back down once she saw the evidence that was there.
She choose to ignore that it was there and ignored that it happened. But the more she thought on it the more it bugged her to no end. She hated the fact of that girl was still there, that he couldn't seem to just let her go because "he's too nice." Because her friendship means more to him then her feelings about what had happened. He says 'he sees it in her perspective, that he understands.' But does he get that it seems like that girl means more, that she is better, that he would rather be friends with that girl then be in the relationship that they started. Because she knows it is just friends now but the small insecure voice in the back of her mind says differently. Because it is trying to keep her prepared for the worst even if it doesn't ever happen.
The anxiety attacks aren't new, they have been there. But they still terrorize her, they still haunt her. It feels like drowning but being able to breath just a bit through a tube. She's terrified that she'll fall and no one will be there to catch her because he doesn't want to be there anymore. She's terrified to be back in that well; where no matter how hard or loud she screams; no one is listening; no one is even there. She's terrified to fall back in that shell where she would only feel better when the blade was to her skin. That was the calmness and the torment of that shell she had created and also broke down later on.
She sat wondering, "Am i good enough for you? because sometimes it feels like you want better, that you want something more then I can give."