Chapter Text
It feels like drowning most nights.
Hoseok should be used to these dreams of his by now. He can’t remember the last time he’s slept without these visions, the ocean waves crashing against the rocky cliff side, or him laid out on his back in the middle of the sea. You see, some nights, its nice. Calming. Relaxing. Some nights he just sits there, watching the water lap at the edges of the beach, waves reaching for his bare feet in the sand, but never quite making contact. Some nights it makes him sad, a little empty inside, like someone’s desperately reaching out for him before being dragged away. Some nights, his favorite nights, he just drifts silently, the water refreshing against his skin. These nights he feels a little warm inside, feels like his hard edges are smoothed out, like he’s been pieced back together again. Most nights though, most nights it’s bad.
There’s water everywhere, but tonight’s not one of the times it’s nice or calming. It doesn’t feel like being wrapped up in a soft blanket this time, more like a snake constricting his blood flow. The water is surrounding him, filling his lungs until they feel like weights pulling him down to depths where nobody will be able to find him.
He wakes up with a startle, sitting up so quickly that he’s a bit disoriented. His chest is burning, rising and falling at a rapid pace, and it takes him awhile to get his breathing straight. He’s sweating profusely and once he realizes it was just a dream, that he’s ok and he’s not dying, he lets himself collapse back into the fluffy white sheets. Maybe he should be used to it, but maybe you can never get used to dying.
~~~
They’re at a beach house in Jeju, the one place he considers his home away from home. Without fail, every summer Jimin goes into a some rant about how important it is to have a change of scenery and Hoseok’s stopped arguing at this point. He likes being here anyways, figures it’s always nice to get a little vacation from his boring every day life.
You would think that his constant dreams of drowning would keep him away from water, but somehow, no matter how rare they are, the good dreams always outweigh the bad. He has this magnetic pull to the sea, can’t seem to stay away despite how terrifying it might seem.
So when he says Jimin and Tae force him onto the beach a few hours later, it’s not really accurate. He loves the sand between his toes, the sun beating down on him, the way the ocean spray is carried through the air. The sky has a few fluffy clouds, but it’s mostly clear, sun hanging high above them.
Hoseok is wading in the water, the waves slowly rolling into the shore and rocking him softly. When he’s out here like this, completely content, he leaves his mind free to wander. This kind of healing is cheaper than a therapist, and less embarrassing than talking to his friends, so he lets the feeling swallow him whole for awhile. On the shore he see’s his two friends bickering about something while they build sandcastles, and he smiles endearingly. The two of them have constantly been a comforting presence in his life, and more than anything he’s grateful he can spend time with them like this.
He takes a moment to take in his surroundings, silently analyzing the world around him. The water is reflecting the blue sky so beautifully, and the soft white sand is so bright in the sun it makes his eyes ache a little when he stares too long. Not too far from him he sees a boy, soft brown hair sitting in waves like he’s gotten it wet and let it dry in the summer sun, small waist supported by thick thighs, and cute pouty lips pursed so prettily. He’s absent mindedly kicking at the water, his movements swift and smooth and so…soft. He looks soft. Like someone who would cry any time a dog dies in a movie, or someone who wears big hoodies and short shorts even if its too warm out, or maybe someone who would run their fingers through his hair because it helps him sleep at night.
The stranger looks up, probably can feel the way Hoseok is staring holes into him, and his big doe eyes directly meets his own. He wants to look away, he SHOULD look away instead of continuing to stare like a creep, but then the boy gives him the brightest smile he’s ever seen and his heart skips a beat. It’s like the world around him stops, the sun shining down even hotter and warming up his soft skin, the waves around him dying down to nothing, and he just, drifts there for a second. Lets himself swim in the other’s eyes for a moment. The kid is the one to break the moment, turning away to walk in the opposite direction down the beach. Hoseok can’t shake the familiar clench of his heart.
~~~
He feels a bit out of sorts for the rest of the day, this odd feeling settling in his chest that he can’t quite shake. His two friends try to convince to go out for drinks, but he tries his best to fight them off.
“I’m just feeling off” he says, nestling further in his covers, trying to block the view of the two staring at him with the book in his hand. He’s trying to get back in the habit of reading before sleeping, instead of staring at his phone all night and knocking out at 2 am. It’s not healthy, and it irritates his eye.
“Alcohol can help with that.” Jimin states matter of factly. Hoseok knows he’ll be sipping on a beer at some point tonight anyways, whether he goes out with them or not, so he might as well just join his friends. If he’s not in the right head space, drinking alone just makes him feel even more weird. Besides, he came here with Jimin and Tae for a reason, and part of him would feel guilty for blowing them off.
They make their way to the bar a short walk away from their beach house. It’s a small place that gets surprisingly busy on the weekends, and the three of them like the atmosphere here when it’s packed and lively. Tonight is a Wednesday night though, which means there’s only a few other people scattered at the bar and the few tables in the back. They slide into some seats in the middle of the bar and Jimin wastes no time in order them a round of shots.
“What are we, college students? I’m not trying to black out.” Hoseok complains, eyeing the bartender who’s pouring three shots of tequila. It’s not that he can’t drink, he’s a firm believer of drinking beer or wine every so often keeps people healthy. Drinking hard liquor is another story though. It tastes nasty and gets him tipsy too fast.
“Don’t be a baby, hyung. Just one round of shots and you can go back to your nasty beer.” Tae pats his back reassuringly, then moves to grab one of the shots on the counter.
“Fine.” It’s not even that Hoseok absolutely hates drinking hard liquor. He’s had his fair share of drunk nights, taking too many shots to keep track of and then doing something stupid that he comes to regret the next morning. It’s just that most days he prefers to just sip at a cool beer, something to calm the constant fire burning inside him without putting him over the edge.
Hoseok grabs his shot, and his eyes absentmindedly follow the bartender as he goes to the other end of the bar to check up on the customers there. There, all the way at the end, is a familiar looking boy. The one from earlier who definitely looks too young to be at a bar.
“Cheers!” Hoseok turns his attention back to his friends, standing there holding their glasses up waiting for him. They clink their shots together before downing the tequila, the liquor burning as it slides down his throat. Hoseok struggles a bit to not choke, then turns his attention back to the boy at the bar. The bartender put a colorful cocktail in front of the boy, and Hoseok can’t hear it, but he can make out the “thank you” leaving his lips just by his staring. As the bartender walks away the boy picks up the glass, his eyes catching onto Hoseok’s and not leaving as he takes one long sip from his drink. He sets it down softly, licking away the remnants of the drink clinging to the corners of his lips. Hoseok’s throat feels like it’s closing up.
“Hyung!” Jimin’s voice snaps him back to reality. He looks at the younger, then at the glass of beer they must’ve ordered for him while his attention was…elsewhere. “You done eye fucking him?” Jimin decides to ask right when Hoseok was taking his first sip of his drink
The older chokes on the alcohol, heaving for a good couple of seconds as it burns the back of his throat and lungs. “What the fuck Jimin?” He’s used to his friend’s crude way of talking, but he’ll never get used to him saying such things in public when he’s trying to drink in peace.
“You should go talk to him hyung,” Tae suggest from beside him, sipping at his wine, as if that’s the simplest thing in the world. Hoseok is not the type of person to approach random strangers at a bar. That’s not what he came here for.
“Who, what? I’m not…” It’s pointless to argue with these two and he knows it. Jimin and Tae are always so in tune with him, always know what he needs and what he’s thinking. Sometimes it’s a little terrifying, but mostly it’s one of Hoseok’s biggest comforts to know that he has friends that understand him so well.
“Come on, his friends are hot too. Let’s all go together.” Hoseok, with all his staring, didn’t even notice the other boys around him. Which, is probably bad, because he’s sitting with three other people. To be fair to himself though, the kid wasn’t saying much to them in favor of staring back at Hoseok.
The older follows dumbly as Jimin drags them to the end of the bar. He loves his friends, but he honestly doesn’t understand how they can be so straight forward and outgoing with stuff like this.
“Is this seat taken?” the younger asks sweetly, pointing at the stool next to the wide eyed kid. He looks so young, his hair so soft as it moves with the shake of his head, “be my guest.”
“Great!” Tae says happily from behind him, then practically shoves Hoseok into the seat, banging his knee on the counter in the process.
He’s a second away from scolding his friend who’s watching him with a boxy grin, but Jimin starts speaking before he gets the chance. “So, I’m Jimin, this here is Taehyung and that’s Hoseok hyung.” Jimin gets comfortable in the seat next to Hoseok, and Taehyung lingers in the space behind the two of them. It feels painfully awkward to him, and he’s hyper aware of the way the others are looking at him. He should’ve just stayed in bed.
There’s tall guy sitting next to the kid, and he takes a moment to look at Jimin as if he’s thinking ‘what the hell are you doing?’ Hoseok doesn’t blame him, the whole situation is weird, but somehow the skeptical look on his feature seems to wash away as he politely responds with “nice to meet you. I’m Namjoon. This is Yoongi hyung, Seokjin hyung, and Jeonggukie. What brings you guys here?”
Jeongguk. Soft, doe eyed boy’s name is Jeongguk. It rings like a familiar melody in his ears, something that’ll be stuck in his head for days. To be honest, all of them sound familiar. Like people he once knew a long time ago, but he chalks it down to nonsensical déjà vu.
“Shots are always more fun with more people right?” Jimin smiles mischievously. Hoseok’s stomach flips at that, he hasn’t really recovered from how disgusting the first shot was, he doesn’t think he’s really prepared for another.
Namjoon snorts in amusement, “I meant here as in Jeju.” He sounds entertained by the younger, which isn’t surprising. Jimin has his way of charming everyone he’s around. It’s his eyes, Hoseok’s convinced. Everything about his friend demands your attention, the soft blonde hair always parted perfectly, the short stature but strong build, the plush lips to match his plush cheeks. But more than anything, it’s his eyes.
“It’s nice to just get away sometimes” the blonde offers simply, but it feels like there are a thousand unspoken words behind it.
“That’s nice and all, but you said something about shots?” Yoongi, the smaller guy seated to the opposite end of Hoseok, asks. His cat like eyes rake over the three of them, his cold features warming up under the lights of the bar as his gaze settles on Taehyung. You’d think he’d be used to it by now, how his two friends manage to make strangers inhibitions melt just by their presence, but it’s a spectacle he’s never going to get tired of witnessing.
“I like the way you think,” Tae says bluntly, wasting no time in calling over the bartender.
To Hoseok’s dismay, they order 7 more shots of tequila, and he has the thought to pour it in Jimin’s cocktail when the younger’s not looking. “Thought you said only one round, liar.” He pouts, knowing he’s being kind of childish, but he explicably told his friends he was in a weird space today. Being at a bar, taking shots of tequila with four oddly familiar strangers, is not helping.
“Ease up hyung,” Jimin fires back, forcing the shot into his hand. They cheers once again, seven shots glasses hazardously raised in the air, before they down their drinks in unison. Hoseok actually coughs on the shot this time because it truly is that disgusting on his tongue. Nothing will ever prepare him for the burn, and he desperately tries to drown the taste with his beer instead.
“Not a fan of hard liquor?” the kid, Jeongguk, asks him. His appearance screams TIMID in Hoseok’s opinion, but his mannerism are anything but. He’s direct. Hoseok know as much because of the little staring contest at the beach. Since his friends have forced their way into Jeongguk’s little friend group, Hoseok has avoided looking anywhere close to the boy’s face, too scared that his eyes will get stuck there again.
Instead of making eye contact and using his words like a normal person would, Hoseok uses a simple shake of his head as a response. Honestly, he’s not usually like this. He considers himself a pretty sociable person most of the time, he’s always loved making people laugh and making new friends. For some reason, this feels different.
It’s a Wednesday night, he has no business sitting at a bar with a random pretty boy, taking shots of tequila. But here he is.
“Me neither.” Hoseok’s still not looking, but the brown haired boy’s voice rings in his head just like that song he can’t name. Looking at him, being around him, it makes some dying embers burn back to life inside of Hoseok. Jeongguk leans in silently, and the older can feel his eyes burning a hole into the side of his face. He swears he’s not looking, but he watches as Jeongguk’s thing fingers pluck the orange slice sitting on the edge of his glass, then plops it into Hoseok’s beer.
His brows furrow on instinct, and he finally looks up at the younger with a questioning gaze. “It’ll taste better this way hyung, promise.” The kid retreats slightly, leaning back against the chair and watching Hoseok as he sips at his cocktail. They don’t know anything about each other, only their names, and yet this kid is so comfortable calling him hyung already as if he’s certain he’s younger. And maybe it’s not that big of a deal, because he is so clearly younger, but it feels funny to have Jeongguk act like he’s already so comfortable.
Hoseok clears his throat, softly mumbles “yeah,” in an attempt to regain his composure. It just makes him feel even more creeped out by the younger’s simple action. It’s not unheard of for people to put fruit in their beer, he shouldn’t be so shocked that he’s not the only one to do it, but it just leaves him feeling a little breathless. He’s an idiot through and through, because before he can think any better of it, he ask straightforwardly, “have we met before?”
The question sits too heavy on his tongue. They’ve only just met, barely have exchanged any words together, and yet Jeongguk reminds him of someone. It’s like re-meeting a friend you went to elementary school with after graduating high school.
“Hmm? Is this some terrible pick up line?” Jeongguk asks in a teasing tone. His cute bunny teeth are poking out from the small smile stretched tight on his lips, and for the first time Hoseok catches a glimpse at the most precious little mole sitting below his bottom lip.
He stares at it for a second too long, catching himself in the act and feeling unending embarrassment about it. “Uhm…what?” Real intelligent, Hoseok. One pretty boy with a cute mole and long eyelashes is all it takes for you to become a mess.
“I dunno, kinda sounds like one of those ‘Are you sure we haven’t met in my dreams?’ kind of lines.” It’s clear Jeongguk’s taking amusement in his teasing, especially with the way Hoseok mouth pops open, protest dying on his tongue.
No, that’s not what he was going to say, but the words ring in his ears. Normally he would take something like that more offensively, but the kid is just smiling at him, bunny teeth fully on display now, and suddenly it’s impossible for him to feel anything but the fire burning red hot in his chest.
~~~
That night Hoseok goes to sleep feeling a bit lightheaded, blaming it on the small bit of alcohol he consumed. He falls asleep easily though, eyes heavy with exhaustion and his mind overrun with weird thoughts.
Tonight he’s sitting on a giant rock in the middle of the ocean. There’s no land for miles, and the water stretches as far as he can see. Most people would probably be terrified, but there’s no storm raging around him or anything. It resembles more of a lake the longer he looks at it, the only thing moving the water is the slight breeze blowing through his hair. Around him, small pools have formed in the hollows of the rock. In one pool he spots a sea star, a sea urchin in another. Small crabs crawl over his feet to get to their destination, scurrying quickly away from him as if they couldn’t be bothered. The slightly bigger pools hold a few small fish, and he watches them swim idly for a long while. Despite how harsh and destructive the sea can appear, life has persisted like no where else in the world. He dips his fingertips into the pools, watches in amazement as tiny fish brush against them, occasionally nibbling at his skin and leaving him feeling ticklish.
“It’s time to leave, hyung.” A small voice echoes around him, sounding so sweet and innocent, and he whips his head around to find the source. There’s nobody here though, besides him and his sea friends. He’s all alone out here, like usual.
“Leave, hyung,” it echoes again, louder this time, like they’re right beside him but he still sees nothing but ocean. The voice irritates his eardrums, an itch he won’t ever be able to scratch. The once still sea surface starts to ripple to life, as if he had just thrown a pebble to break the calm, but it quickly develops into full on waves, brushing past the rock hazardously.
Still….still….
“I-I don’t want to,” he confesses to nobody, gripping onto the rock beneath him. It’s smooth edges have turned sharp, piercing into the soft skin of his palms, his feet, his thighs. All over his skin turns from it’s tanned honey color to a crimson nightmare. It stings, but he still makes no move to leave.
“Leave me!” The voice screams now, waves crashing violently against the rock that seems to be sinking into the ocean. One wave is all it takes to pull him from where he stands, dragging him down the familiar depths of the sea. The screaming around him continues, but now it’s muffled out by the water, his own cries coming out as nothing but air bubbles rapidly making their way to surface as he’s pulled down into the darkness.
~~~
All of his dreams feel terrifyingly realistic, but there was something about the one last night that shook Hoseok to his core. To try and get him out of the weird headspace he’s been in he decides a morning walk would be the best cure. Morning, as in 5am. The sun’s not even out yet. That doesn’t stop him from slipping out of bed and changing out of his sweat drenched clothes (he makes a mental note to do laundry later).
It’s only slightly chilly outside, but not too cold to make him change out of his jean shorts, but enough that the air tingles against his skin. He finds himself naturally walking down to the water, attracted to the sound of the water calmly meeting the shore. No matter what, the sea is always calling to him, like a Siren’s call for sailors. One day he knows it’s going to end badly.
But he doesn’t think about that today, instead he walks for a while, simply watching as the dark water rolls in just to roll back out. It’s endless, and it leaves him feeling a bit lonely inside.
He walks until he’s bored of it, and decides to sit on the sand instead. His body is still shaking a little with nerves, and he takes a second to wonder why he keeps coming back to the sea when it’s the source of all his nightmares. He wonders when his fear turned into an obsession, questions when this all even started.
He doesn’t have the best memory. There’s a lot of his life is he’s unable to recall. It’s like this: If his life story were a book, it would be torn at the seams. Chapters would be ripped out, thrown into the open ocean to never be seen again. A few pages may be recovered and stapled back in, but the ink would be bleeding like it’s barely survived a storm. He doesn’t have any fond childhood memories, no recollections of going to the park with his parents or early Christmas mornings. Moments in his life like meeting Jimin and Tae are fuzzy, blurred words he’s never been able to read right, but the memory is there. Somewhere.
He’s so in his own world that he doesn’t hear anyone approaching until they’re sitting down right next to him. He jumps a little at the sudden appearance, has to hold back the embarrassing yelp that threatens to leave his throat. He looks to his left with wide eyes, a boy with a big baggy hoodie on that reaches his thighs, almost entirely covering the shorts he has on underneath.
“Early riser?” Jeongguk ask in a groggy voice, like he had just woken up. Hoseok doesn’t blame him. The older takes a moment to take in his appearance, and is reminded of his first thoughts about Jeongguk. Soft, he looks so soft.
“Um, yeah I guess.” He chuckles half heartedly, because there’s nothing further from the truth. Hoseok hates waking up early, would rather lay cuddled under his covers for as long as possible. His bed didn’t feel right this morning though, and the sea was calling out to him, so here he is.
“Me too.” It’s something about the way Jeongguk says it, how the dark circles cast shadows under his eye, how he carries himself like there’s something weighing him down. It makes Hoseok’s chest ache a bit. It’s hard not to be intrigued by the kid. He’s curious about the younger’s story. Where did he come from? Why is here in Jeju? What makes him so willing to talk to Hoseok?
“You ever have a dream you can’t shake off, Hoseok hyung?” the younger asks suddenly. He looks to the older, eyes soft and patient, but there’s something behind them that deepens Hoseok’s curiosity.
“All the time,” he chokes out, trying to get a grip on himself. It’s like he’s an open book that Jeongguk has memorized from front to back. He’s kind of scared that he’s managed to worm his way into Hoseok’s brain and read all the thoughts running through his head, but the more rational part of himself tells him this is all just some weird coincidence. It has to be.
It’s quiet for a minute, the ocean crawling to the shore the only sound around them while the sky lightens to a softer blue color.
“I have these dreams of fire,” he confesses, drawing swirls in the sand with his finger. “Sometimes they feel so real that I have to check myself for burns when I wake up.” Jeongguk says it so nonchalantly, as if it’s a normal thing to be happening to him. It’s not like Hoseok is one to judge, but still. He wonders what made the brunette want to share this with someone who’s technically a stranger. He understands though, how frightening nightmares can be. Maybe Jeongguk’s grown tired of carrying all his fears inside.
“Sounds like some scary dreams,” Hoseok mumbles in response. He would much rather stick with his dreams of the ocean, regardless of the fact he’s drowning more than half the time. At least he can confront it, can feel like he has some sort of control over it, by visiting the sea like this. It’s not like Jeongguk can just go around setting stuff on fire.
“I dunno, I think I’d be too cold at night without them.” Jeongguk says a little shyly, and Hoseok doesn’t like the thought of the younger taking comfort in something so incredibly dangerous.
He’s in no position to scold him for thinking that way though, so he just keeps his mouth shut and chances a glance down at the drawing in the sand he’s been so preoccupied with. The small swirls have clustered together now to form large flames, and the way the younger looks at it so endearingly scares him to no end.
When his eyes travel up Jeongguk’s frame to examine his features, the younger is already giving him the sweetest smile that makes the anxiety growing in his chest start to fade.
He stares for a beat too long, and Jeongguk’s smile just spreads wider, before he turns his attention to the shore. He has so many questions swelling on the tip of his tongue, but he can’t bring himself to spit any of them out.
“They go well together, don’t you think hyung?” Jeongguk’s gaze is set on the sea, his wide doe eyes reflecting the light bouncing off the surface of the water, and Hoseok’s not a painter, but his hand aches to try and recreate the sight.
Instead, he follows the younger’s gaze and sees the sun just starting to break out above the horizon. “Who?”
He looks around the beach for a moment, then back to Jeongguk in confusion. There’s nobody out here, it’s just the two of them, and Hoseok is hopelessly lost.
The brunette’s smile has toned down now, forming into a small curl of his lips accompanied with glassy looking eyes. “The sun and the sea.” Jeongguk says in a whisper, never looking away from the pair in front of him. He watches them with a bittersweet expression, like watching someone you love find happiness in someone else, and it just raises more questions in Hoseok’s mind of who exactly Jeongguk is and what he’s been through.
They sit there for awhile longer, watching the sun slowly make its journey up the sky, ocean waves calmly rolling in at a consistent pattern. It’s so serene, so familiar. Any weird feeling of déjà vu he’s been trying to shake has just grown ten fold.
~~~
It turns out to be a hard feeling to shake. After watching the sunrise for awhile, Hoseok excused himself to go back to his room and take a much needed shower. He thought maybe the steam from the shower would help him to finally make some sense of his thoughts, but after standing under the stream hot water until his skin got pruney he decided it was no use.
It’s later in the day when he’s having lunch with Jimin and Tae that he voices his unruly thoughts.
“What do you guys think of that Jeongguk kid?” he tries to ask as nonchalantly as he can. It hasn’t even been a full 24 hours of knowing the younger, but he’s fucking with Hoseok’s mind in way he can’t comprehend. Jeongguk’s not even really doing anything, except for making Hoseok feel like there’s a giant piece of his life that he’s blanking out on. Being around him brings up familiar feelings that have no business feeling familiar.
It’s driving him a little crazy, and he just wants some people to make him feel like he’s sane, but now that he’s rethinking it, his friends probably aren’t the best ones for the job. He doesn’t even have to look up from his food to know that his two friends are giving each other the look, and he groans internally at the conversation to come.
“If you want our permission to fuck him then go right ahead.” Hoseok immediately chokes on his sprite, and makes a mental note to never consume any beverages around his friend. He swears he’s going to end up killing him one day.
“Jimin, what the fuck!” He practically shrieks. It seems like everything comes down to sex with Jimin, which, isn’t a problem. It’s just not the type of person Hoseok is, and talking so openly about it makes him cringe a little.
“What? Don’t act like you don’t want to.” Jimin argues. Which, like, okay objectively speaking Jeongguk is good looking. He’s not a blind fool, he can recognize that the younger is attractive. But sex is something that hasn't even entered his mind until now, and frankly it’s not something he’s interested in at the moment.
“I’ve literally just meant him. I barely even know him.” Hoseok just wants to learn a little more about him, wants to understand why he leaves him with all these confusing feelings.
“You’re interested in him though” Taehyung points out. Hoseok’s growing increasingly frustrated at the conversation, and kinda just wants to toss a piece of fruit at his friend’s face.
“Not like that. It’s just…he seems familiar. I feel like I know him from somewhere.” He tries to explain. Jimin and Tae seem to be studying him for a second. He wonders if they think he’s gone absolutely crazy at this point, but then Hoseok distinguishes a sad look overcoming both of their expressions. “What?” he asks, an eerie feeling crawling up the base of his spine. They look at each other for a moment, stare into each other’s eyes like their having one of their silent conversations, before Taehyung shakes his head slightly.
“Nothing.” Jimin eventually waves the older off. “You should talk to him more, maybe it’ll help you figure it out. Worst comes to worst you make a new friend in the process.”
He wants to scream, because this conversation has just made things more confusing for him. Now he can’t help but think of what the hell is friends are hiding from him, but he’s not one to pry. He knows if they’re not voluntarily telling him, there’s no way he can force it out of them. “No, worst comes to worst I befriend a psychopath.” He says exasperatedly. The whole thing leaves his head pounding against his skull, and he yearns to crawl back in bed and sleep all these weird thoughts away. He’s already been awake for way too long.
“The kid seems nice hyung, just talk to him.” Taehyung says simply, returning to his task of practically inhaling the fries in front of him.
And that may be the end of their discussion of the topic, but Hoseok can’t help but feel like he’s more lost than he started out.
~~~
It isn’t hard, talking to Jeongguk. He seems to be everywhere Hoseok is already at. He’s on the beach watching the sunset, in the cafe drinking a latte, working out at the gym, eating at the same restaurants. Every single day Hoseok runs into Jeongguk, and every single time the younger doesn’t hesitate to start up a polite conversation. It’s not necessarily awkward, it just throws Hoseok off his game a little bit.
It’s been about three days of constantly running into Jeongguk when Hoseok decides to wander off to a more distant cliff overlooking the ocean. He’s been cooped up inside for the better part of the day, so shaking out the stiffness in his joints felt good while walking over here, and the fresh summer air feels revitalizing in his lungs. It seems like all he’s been doing his whole time here is searching his mind for answers, and the whole processes has left him with a migraine for days on end. He’s tired of it, so instead of concentrating so hard on something he won’t find answers to, he just lets his mind free for once.
He’s laying down, back pressed into the soft earth beneath him, limbs stretched out to make himself as comfortable as possible. He lets his lids fall shut, allows himself to take in his surroundings with all his other senses. He focuses on the feeling of the blades of grass rubbing against his smooth skin, how the sun fills him with a comfortable warmth, baking his rapidly tanning skin to a darker shade. He concentrates on the way the ocean waves sing passionately, crashing against the rocks at the bottom of the cliff, how the leaves of the trees whisper so softly to each other, exchanging secrets before their time is up and they’re blown away with the winter. If he tries hard enough, he can taste the way the wind carries the sea, a slight saltiness settling on his tongue. The smell of seaweed is the most distinct and apparent, but if he focuses he can also make out the aroma of the damp earth, the faintly sweet smell of the wild flowers blooming in several patches around him. It’s so serene and healing, focusing on the things he takes for granted during his every day life. He makes a mental note to do this more often.
It’s the soft padding against the grassy earth that he’s aware of first, then the wind shifts and he gets the slightest hint of laundry detergent invading his senses. It’s soft, delicate, just like most things about Jeongguk.
He’s not surprised by his presence, he could even go as far as to say he’s been waiting for him. “Do you have a gps tracker on me?” Hoseok asks, finally cracking open his eyes, the sunlight blinding him for just a moment.
“And what if I did?” Once Hoseok’s eyes adjust he’s met with an impossibly younger looking Jeongguk. He’s sitting arms length away from him, legs exposed in his light blue jean shorts and crossed over one another. On top he’s wearing a plain white button up with a jacket thrown over it, red on one side and grey on the other. It’s odd, from the light blue tie covered in ice cream cones, loosely wrapped around his neck, down to the laces of the red converse covering his feet, paired with long classic white socks, striped blue and red at the very top. It’s overly cute, and completely uncalled for considering Hoseok is just the tiniest bit scared the kid actually does have a tracker on him. He studies the younger’s expression now, his face straight and serious for a whole two seconds before he bursts out laughing, looking even more like a carefree kid. “I’m kidding hyung, don’t look so scared.”
“Wasn’t scared,” Hoseok mumbles, choosing to redirect his attention to the blades of grass beneath him. He twirls a piece between his fingers, and can’t help but think about how staring at Jeongguk’s smile too long isn’t good for his heart.
“So I ran into your friends today,” he hums, as if he’s implying something Hoseok doesn’t pick up on. The older finally sits up then and takes a moment to shake the grass and dirt from his clothes.
“So I’m not the only one you’re stalking.” Teasing comes naturally, he couldn’t bother with pretending him and Jeongguk don’t have some sort of unexplainable connection at this point, so he lets his words flow freely.
It’s a small display of this weird blossoming friendship they have, but Jeongguk is pleased by it, if the smile lighting up his eyes is anything to go by. “Oh shush,” he laughs softly, extending an arms to push at Hoseok’s shoulder playfully. The skin there sparks when it comes into contact with his fingertips, and the sensation makes Hoseok jump slightly. “Anyways, they invited us to some beach volleyball tournament tomorrow?”
“Is it really considered a tournament if it’s just Tae and Jimin passing a ball back and forth?” He argues light heartedly. There’s not a day that goes by that the two don’t partake in a ‘tournament,’ constantly bothering the older to join in.
Jeongguk lets out another chuckle, all airy and soft in his signature way, and Hoseok swears his whole world is crashing down with each passing moment. There’s a weird giddiness bubbling in the pit of his stomach just by sitting here with Jeongguk like this. “I guess that’s why they asked us to join.” The younger says with the smile slowly dying down from his lips, and Hoseok’s attention is once again caught on the tiny space the mole takes up, just long enough to make sure it’s still there.
His mind replays Jeongguk’s words once again, just so he can actually process it this time. “Us, as in…?” His voice trails off in a questioning tone, searching the younger’s face for answers.
Jeongguk just blinks at him, wide eyes looking even wider, and the older has to physically fight off the coo bubbling in his throat. He can’t help the fact that Jeongguk looks even cuter when his eyes grow bigger. “My friends? You met them that night at the bar.”
The words bring him back to the other night, and Hoseok kind of wants to slap himself for forgetting that Jeongguk did, in fact, come here with other people. “Oh, right,” he says stupidly, trying to recover from the slight embarrassment. It’s not like Jeongguk has been consuming all the space in his brain for days, he’s just forgetful is all. “Almost forgot about them. Every other time we run into each other you’re by yourself.” It sounds like a good excuse in his head, but once he says it out loud he watches the younger’s blissful expression twist into something more complex.
Jeongguk’s brows pinch, like he’s thinking hard about something, and Hoseok’s eyes catch on the way he bites at his lip. “I like my alone time I guess,” is all he offers as a response. Which is, like, valid, but it doesn’t really add up in his head. Hoseok fights the urge to comment on the fact that Jeongguk isn’t really getting alone time, just hanging out with him instead, but he gets the overwhelming feeling that it’s better to drop the topic all together.
Instead he watches in silence as Jeongguk falls into the position he found Hoseok in, laid out on the grass with his eyes closed. His features have soften now, honey skin reflecting the rays of sun peaking through the dispersed clouds. His eyelashes are long and dark against his cheeks, and Hoseok takes the opportunity to count the moles kissed into random spots of his skin. One at the tip of his nose, a few scattered on his cheek, one pressed into his neck, but his favorite is still the prominent one cozied up under his bottom lip. The older wonders if he looked this content when he was laying there, because right now Jeongguk looks like he could drift to sleep under the warm summer sun.
His hand itches for his phone, the need to capture this moment and keep it forever clawing it’s way into his brain, but he holds back in the name of not being a creep.
Instead he returns to his spot laid out in the grass, this time beside Jeongguk, the faint smell of clean laundry and the slight heat radiating from his body the only thing making his presence known.
~~~
That night Hoseok’s dream is a little different than usual. He’s laid out on a soft fluffy cloud, swiftly drifting through the star speckled sky as the wind pushes him forward. He looks down, and beneath him is the vast expanse of water, no land for as far as he can see. It’s peaceful, watching the waves make their journey across the world from this view. There’s a slight chill in the air, causing small bumps to raise on his skin, but he enjoys the feeling.
Slowly he feels the cloud beneath him dissipate into nothing, as if it never existed, and suddenly he’s free falling to the giant bed of water. Surprisingly he’s not too high up, because pretty quickly he breaks the top of the water with a crash. Initially he thinks it must be one of the few good nights, because instead of being anchored down to the darks depths like he expected, he easily surfaces back up. There’s no gasping for air, no burning in his lungs, no tightness in his muscles. The water around him isn’t freezing him to death, instead it feels just cold enough to give him something to feel. There’s nothing but him and the endless sea, until in the distance he picks up on someone crying, a soft sniffle at first that quickly turns into full on sobbing. He doesn’t feel scared by it, instead he’s over whelmed with this aching empathy. He wants to reach out, to comfort and soothe these pitiful cries, but has no clue where to go.
There’s a desperate cry of “please come back soon,” the same voice from the other night, and it’s the last thing he hears before he’s ripped from the dream.
He wakes up to a wet pillow, his eyes and cheeks burning from his salty tears.
~~~
They end up meeting on the beach at 1, because Tae argued that he needed time to eat so that he’s prepared but also an hour to digest so he doesn’t puke. He takes his beach volley ball seriously after all, claiming that he needs to be in his best condition.
Hoseok isn't interested in the whole thing though, and once they make their way down to the beach, he wastes no time in settling into the soft white sand. Not far from him his two friends are helping each other stretch, pulling out the stiffness in their limbs and preparing for a warm afternoon in the sun. He doesn’t know how the two can stand any physical activity when it’s this hot out, he would drop dead in a second, but to each their own he guesses.
“Not gonna join us?” a familiar voice calls, and he doesn’t even have to look up to know who it is, but he does anyways. Jeongguk stops beside him, his friends trailing not that far behind and looking every bit as determined as Tae and Jimin. He couldn’t care about that right now though, instead he’s focused on the way Jeongguk is looking down at him, brown hair turning just a bit lighter in the unrelenting sun while in contrast his skin goldens even further with each passing day.
“It’s not really my thing,” he responds honestly as the younger takes a seat in the sand next to him. He watches Jeongguk extend his legs in front of him, stretching out his limbs and a hint of the defined muscle on his thigh appearing in the process. The sight wipes any coherent thoughts from Hoseok’s brain.
“You’ll be missing all the fun,” one of his friends says, Seokjin, if he remembers correctly. He feels a little bad about not partaking, but he doesn’t think he’d be able to focus for more than two seconds if his current state of mind is anything to go by.
“Don’t worry about him, he just wants an excuse to watch pretty boys work up a sweat.” Jimin cracks one of his mischievous smiles at his hyung, knowing exactly how to push the older’s buttons. “It’s fine though, this way our numbers are even.”
“Brat,” Hoseok mumbles, but otherwise ignores Jimin’s words. Usually when the two play volleyball, Hoseok busies himself by going out for a swim or reading a book. It just so happens that today he wants to sit and watch, it has nothing to do with the pretty mysterious boy sitting next to him.
“Not an active person hyung?” While the other boys are stretching together, Jeongguk continues to do so right next to Hoseok. It doesn’t necessarily bother him, just makes forming a logical sentence take a little bit longer than it probably should.
“I am, I mean you’ve seen me at the gym. Sometimes I like to go on runs in the morning, and I love dancing,” he explains, thinking about all the hours he has spent practicing in dance studios, the stale smell of sweat hanging in the air and his body dripping sweat. There’s something so satisfying about practicing until you’ve perfected a choreography, nothing in his life has ever amounted to that feeling, especially not a game of beach volley ball. “I’m just, not the biggest sports person I guess. They’re fun to watch though.” Looking back, he did have fun the few times they’ve gone to baseball or soccer games, but maybe that had more to do with the social aspect of it and the fact he could watch in the shade while sipping on a beer.
“So Jimin hyung was right,” Jeongguk teases, a sly smirk pulling at the corners of his mouth. It’s an expression Hoseok hasn’t seen on the younger before, and he’s torn between wanting to see this for the rest of his life and wishing he had never seen it to begin with. He’s breathtaking in the most frustrating way, the kind of beautiful that makes Hoseok want to rip his hair out and maybe cry a little.
“And what about it?” he teases back unintentionally, the words flowing from his mouth like a broken faucet. He’s two seconds away from smacking himself in the face, because he just knows, in some weird way that he doesn't understand, that Jeongguk is not the type to play fair. He’s playing with fire, and he’s made highly aware of that just moments later.
“I guess I’ll just have to make sure you enjoy the show,” the younger says with a shit eating grin. Hoseok thinks he’s safe for all of half a second before Jeongguk stands from his spot in the sand, hands reaching for the edge of his shirt. Honestly, he thinks he might’ve blacked out. The younger isn’t launching an attack, but an all out war on the older’s fragile gay heart, and nothing about the way Jeongguk’s abs reflects the burning sun is fair. He’s always wearing these big baggy clothes, and the way he swims in them just makes him look so much smaller, but seeing him like this is disorienting. Jeongguk is so tiny that he thinks he could wrap his hands all the way around his waist, but the muscle on him is so defined, making him look strong and sturdy. It’s absolutely uncalled for.
He’s pulled back into this world by the sound of Jimin’s wolf whistles, thankful for the fact that he didn’t astral project into another damn universe. Then again, maybe that would save him some embarrassment. “Guess we’re doing shirts vs. skins?” Jimin laughs, pulling his own t-shirt over his head. Every thing in Hoseok is screaming at Jimin to not encourage the younger, because does he not see what this is doing to his heart? He’s pretty sure Jeongguk is laughing at him, and he can only imagine how star struck he looks right now, but he’s not too sure because that would require thinking about anything another than the pretty boy in front of him.
“Dammit Jimin, you’re too competitive.” Tae grumbles, reluctantly following suit.
It’s the youngsters versus the oldies according to Jeongguk, even though the age difference between them isn’t that big. As he’s learned, Jeongguk just likes to tease. Hoseok is pretty sure it starts off with the youngers in the lead, but he’s also trying not to pay too much attention because he thinks he might choke on his own saliva if he watches the youngest for too long. He’s convinced Jeongguk should come with a “CHOKING HAZARD” sign, but then that takes his mind to a whole other place it shouldn’t be going, and settles on the idea of wrapping him in caution tape instead.
At some point, in the midst of his gay panic, the older team manages to make a comeback. Hoseok tries his best to scoop up the melted contents of his mind to concentrate for a moment, watching the two teams volley the ball back and forth for awhile. Both sides are good, and he’s thankful for the fact that he could sit this out, because knowing himself he’d probably get smacked in the face or somehow manage to fall on his ass. It’s entertaining to see the six of them scramble through the sand, desperately trying to make it over the net. It’s even more entertaining to watch the way Jeongguk’s eyes widen with concentration, how his movements are swift and clean as though he’s not running in sand, how his mouth pops up and shows the tiniest hint of his cute bunny teeth when he’s really focused.
Eventually, the older team scores the final point and claims their victory. It was a close game though, and at least it looked like they were all having fun, but from in front of him he hears restless grumbles of one pouting Jeon Jeongguk.
The younger walks to him, sweat rolling in beads down his neck and to his chest, and if it were only a few minutes ago Hoseok would probably be lost in the sight. Now though, Jeongguk wears a gloomy expression as he plops down on the sand next to him with a heavy sigh. He’s not acting like the sweet carefree boy he was just moments ago, and Hoseok has the sudden, crushing urge to change that.
“Are you good?” he asks cautiously, watching the younger’s crestfallen expression. Even like this he’s beautiful, but now is not the time to be thinking those thoughts.
“Ggukie is just a sore loser,” Yoongi pipes up from where the others have collapsed in the sand. They’re all sweating and panting like dogs, and Hoseok is happy for the moment that he chose not to put himself through hell in this summer heat.
“Am not!” the younger fires back, sounding even more like a child, and Hoseok has to fight the urge to laugh or coo. It’s hard, trying his best to suppress the chuckle bubbling in his throat, because although he finds Jeongguk’s whining mildly amusing and incredibly cute, he doesn’t think the younger would appreciate being laughed at right now. Hoseok’s never really been a competitive person, only occasionally when he’s in dance competition, but never like this when it comes to friends. Regardless, he feels bad for the younger, and even worse because he doesn’t know what to say to help.
He focuses on the water ahead of him as he contemplates what to do, and notices that the waves are crashing in more viscously than he’s seen his whole time being here. Usually they softly approach the beach, crawling to the shore and making the most soothing sounds. Now they’re crashing on the surface, like a storm is approaching from the distance, but the sun still shines bright as ever above them. If Hoseok surfed, he’d definitely be out there right now.
Instead he decides to mindlessly start piling up some sand. It feels fine and soft as he scoops it up, the warm grains easily slipping through the cracks in his fingers, his palms forming it into a small hill. He hums a sweet melody in the process, taking his time to gather sand from every direction and pile it up high.
He feels when the younger’s gaze shifts to him, but it doesn’t deter him from his task. “What’re you doing hyung?” He sounds confused, but his voice is light, and it makes Hoseok relax a little bit, like he doesn’t have to worry about the younger.
He turns to Jeongguk, signature heart shaped smile he’s so confident of spreading across his features. “Building a sandcastle,” he responds simply, then returns to his mission of building it up as high as he can. It’s a little hard at this point, most of the grains just end up tumbling back down as he tries to pile them on top of each other.
“Aren’t you supposed to use wet sand?” Jeongguk asks, voice just the slightest bit condescending like he’s some damn sand castle connoisseur.
“Who says?” Hoseok responds, just the slightest bit offended, because the castle might not be perfect but it’s his own and he’s going to love it regardless of the foundation being all wrong and his inability to make it any bigger.
“Well, it’s just gonna fall apart like that,” Jeongguk argues, poking at it with his finger so the sand flows down, as if he’s trying to prove his point.
The older pouts at the attack on his poor castle, then continues trying to pile on as much sand as he can. “Isn’t that the whole point of sandcastles?” Hoseok says absentmindedly, reaching for a shell arms length away from him, then places it along the base to represent a little door. “You build them up just for them to be knocked down. It’s like, supposed to teach you that not everything beautiful lasts forever or something.” He doesn’t mean for it to sound that deep, considering he was just doing this to pass the time, but there’s still some truth behind it. It’s silly to believe it’s going to still be standing here by this time tomorrow, but that’s the fun of it, watching how the sea can be such a destructive force.
Still, Jeongguk looks at him for a long while, not saying anything, just studying the older. It’s one of those weird moments where Hoseok has one of those odd feelings that he struck some nerve, like he said something he shouldn’t have.
“Can I be honest with you hyung?” the younger asks, and despite himself, Hoseok’s breath catches in his throat. He looks up at the younger, seriousness painted in every edge of his feature, and all the older can do is nod in response. “That sand castle is kinda ugly.”
~~~
To be honest, it’s harder to act like Jeongguk is someone he’s not comfortable around. The two of them click so easily. Their conversations flow naturally, and even when there’s a lull in responses, the silence is comforting.
It’s two days after the volleyball match, when Hoseok is walking down the beach at sunset, that he spots the younger, feet buried in the sand. Just a few days ago he probably would have kept walking in this situation, completely ignoring the brunette’s existence, but things have changed so quickly for him. Now, he doesn’t hesitate to settle down right next to him, feeling that their roles are switched for once as he’s the one to approach the younger.
“Jeongguk-ah, you’re gonna catch a cold,” Hoseok scolds. Today was one of the rare days that it wasn’t sweltering outside, and now that the sun is setting the air has a chill to it. The younger’s only wearing a pair of shorts and a tank top, tan skin glowing in the golden setting sun. It’s a sight he sees on the daily, but something about the way Jeongguk’s skin greedily soaks up all the sunlight ages like fine wine.
“I’m fine,” The younger responds curtly, a little coldly, and everything about it doesn’t sit right with him. There’s no doubt that something is bothering him, the older can tell in the way his face is void of any emotion.
“Is something wrong?” Hoseok asks, because Jeongguk has that look in his eyes again, the one that makes him look a million worlds away even though he’s sitting right next there. His own heart burns in response, not fond of the idea of the brunette being upset for any reason.
Jeongguk studies the sun slowly dipping into the ocean with calculating eyes, the sky fading from it’s orange hue to a dark blue. “Have you ever heard the story of the sun and the sea?” The younger’s voice is solemn, and Hoseok can’t help but crave to see a smile on Jeongguk’s face again, to have him speaking in that honey sweet voice, to see his eyes shine with that carefree innocence.
“I haven’t, no” the older responds, shaking his head. Jeongguk looks to him, eyes searching deep into Hoseok’s like he’s desperately trying to find something there. It’s intense, for a few seconds, the two of them just staring into each other’s eyes. Despite the sadness behind them, the younger’s dark orbs sparkle like the night sky, like the sea reflecting the stars, and something about it feels so familiar.
The moment is broken when Jeongguk closes his eyes, shakes his head a bit and looks back into the ocean.
“They say in ancient times, before humans walked the Earth, gods came to claim their rule over the land, the sky, and the sea. The Sun visited Earth one day, and the first thing he was met with was the Sea. He instantly fell in love with the Sea, but he overstayed his welcome, and the land started burning up beneath him. The other gods told him he could stay 12 hours at a time, but he’d have to be gone for 12 hours as well, or else he would bring destruction upon the planet. So the Sun and the Sea were destined to spend half of their lives apart. The time they spent together, the Sun burned brighter than ever. But every time he had to leave, the Sea would nearly drown the planet in his tears, turning the water salty.” His voice is so soft but so full of emotion. It makes Hoseok want to hold him, gentle enough to make sure he won’t crack, but firm enough for it to be grounding.
“That’s a sad story,” he responds, not really knowing what else to say. The younger seems to have an obsession with the sunrise and sunset, and Hoseok can't help but wonder if this is the reason.
The younger looks to him, eyes softening and the smallest smile teasing at his lips, though it doesn’t seem genuine. “It’s a love story, is it not?” He looks out to the water. “I told a friend that once. They said it’s a pretty shitty love story then, since they’re only hurting each other by being together.”
Hoseok understands. He’s not much a romantic, and the thought of hurting people scares the shit out of him, so he couldn’t understand why two people would want to be together if they’re so unhappy. “But?” He asks, curious to see what the younger thinks of all this.
“But...I think all love comes with some pain, don’t you?” Jeongguk’s voice sounds a little hopeful as he asks the question, and honestly speaking Hoseok has never looked at love that way before, but the younger seems like the type to find the good in everything.
“I don’t know, I think maybe if it hurts so much then it ruins the point, doesn’t it? I mean, being with the one you love is supposed to make you happy.” Hoseok responds after thinking it over for a minute, because although he realizes not everything and everyone can be perfect, and all relationships will have their flaws, he thinks that there is only so much pain one person can endure.
Jeongguk looks at him, eyes glazed over, and it makes Hoseok think that maybe they’re not talking about some story anymore. “If it doesn’t hurt at some points then that means you were never truly in love to begin with. I mean, you can’t expect things to go perfectly all the time, but you make sacrifices for the one you love. If you don’t, I think that’s sad. Shouldn’t someone be worth it? Be worth the fear of putting your heart on the line and the pain of losing them? If not, then what’s the point of love anyways? You can’t tell me all of it was for nothing, that their story is just reduced to pain when there was so much love there too,” Jeongguk’s voice is tight and watery, tears overflowing in his eyes and streaming down his cheeks, reflecting the way the waves crash on the beach dangerously close to them.
Hoseok, he doesn’t understand anything. He doesn’t understand what Jeongguk is talking about, why he’s so invested in some story, why it seems like something inside him snapped and now he can’t help but break down, why every time the younger gets worked up, the ocean seems to respond to him. All he knows is that seeing the younger like this hurts. “Jeongguk-ah, hey, it’s okay,” he tries to console, but the younger is harshly rubbing at his eyes to try to get the tears to subside, hiccupping on his broken sobs.
Hoseok hates seeing people cry like this, especially hates seeing someone as lovely as Jeongguk completely break down in front of him. He feels so useless just sitting there, so he wraps an arm around the younger, feeling slight sparks as their skin touch. He pulls the brunette close to him, and Jeongguk wraps his arms around him and clutches onto the back of his shirt like a scared child. The older uses his other hand to run his fingers through his hair, trying to console him in the only way he knows how.
He doesn’t know how long he sits there holding the younger, but some part of him feels like he could do this forever if Jeongguk asked him to.