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Each day he wakes up, and it's not the same.
Perhaps it has never been, the man doesn't remember a time in which things were usual for him, in which he had some type of stability ,some sort of domestic routine.
He thought he was close to it, though.
Once Bucky got to Wakanda things seemed to be in favour of him; The kings' sister, Shuri, has been so kind to help him when she didn't owe him anything at all. She had no reason to help him through recovery, neither did her brother into finding him a place where he could have been reminded of what having a simple life meant.
He had been responsible for their father's death, after all. And for several deaths years earlier.
Shuri doesn't want Bucky to think like that no more; she said the first stage to recovery was self-acceptance. To accept that he was tortured, brainwashed, forced to do the many things he's known for. Accept that it wasn't him who did it, and Bucky thinks he's doing a rather good job of it, but that won't make him forget. He doesn't think he will ever do that.
Shuri would defienetly talk some sense into him if she would be able to read the man's thoughts, even though she'd be comprehensive about it, because it's just how she is.
But Bucky is also aware that all the things Wakanda has done for him, it was because of Steve Rogers. He knows he had asked the favour, knows he had wantes Bucky to be safe in a period where everyone was going after him, and Bucky will always be forever thankful for him. But oh,Steve.Where to begin with him.
Bucky doesn't quiet remember the last time he had seen him.
Of course he does, just last week him, Sam and Steve had gone to the park to chat and catch up on stuff, but conversations between Bucky and Steve are really short, limited to the minimum, and mostly forced.
There's none of that from Steve' side. He still talks, tells Bucky stories of when they were younger, reminds the both of them of the easy life they had compared to what they had gone through all these years. And Bucky listens. He'd be damned if he wouldn't, because he still cares, it's not like it would ever stop. It's not like he could stop loving someone just when things don't go the way he had planned them to go.
What did Bucky plan for them?
Absolutely nothing. There's nothing Bucky has ever wanted from Steve, not after the war at least. Not after he fell from that train, and defienetly not after he realized that Steve had eyes for someone, and that this someone had eyes for him back.
It used to hurt back then, in a way that doesn't hurt now because being young and mindless, Bucky didn't think that his Steve would have ever ditched him for a woman, so when he realized that there could have been a future with Steve not having Bucky at his side anymore, he decided that he didn't want to get back home, win the war and move on, he wanted more of that. More of the pain, of the adrenaline, of the rush.
And we all know how that went for him.
But the current Bucky (who's defienetly more mature) understands that his bestfriend wasn't going to 'ditch him for a woman'. He was just going to build himself a family, simple as that, normal as that.
The current Bucky understands just how selfish his thoughts had been, to ever want to take Steve from a future he had always dreamt about, something that Bucky could have never given him.
The current Bucky also realizes just how selfish his thoughts are now, reminiscing over the guy who had swore to never let anyone come in between them and ruin what they had, because that guy was just a kid, and kids grow up.
Steve is not the same he used to be; he's not the same guy who swore to be with Bucky 'til the end of the line, not the same guy who was willing to fight against his own friends, against an entire government to have Bucky by his side again.
And it's fine by Bucky, because people change, they move on.
Then why is he still here?
Why is he still awake at...what time it is?He doesn't know,he just knows the sun is setting and he hasn't had an hour of sleep, thinking of the many reasons as to why Steve decided to live a life where he wasn't in the picture anymore.
It's not like it took him much time, he knows why.
He knows that whoever Steve had pretended was the same Bucky from the Howling Commandos, from the Red Hook apartment, it's long gone, buried in the past, just like memories should be.
Steve had tried, no matter how many times Bucky has warned him ("Steve, I'm not him, it's not worth it. You don't know me."),he had tried to play blind at all the differences between the Bucky who's currently struggling to fall asleep because of the memories haunting him, and the Bucky who's really faint in those ones, but the Bucky he knows would have found a way to twist some fun out of the situation.
Steve had been so obsessed with wanting him back, that he hadn't even noticed he was having it the other way around, Bucky drifting more and more apart from him.
Because he felt resentful at the other part he should have been like, he felt resentful at the kid that would have succeded to make Steve smile in a second (What is he capable of doing now? Blindly reaching for his bestfriend while he screams in horror?), knowing that this is what Steve wants him to be like, but also aware of the fact he will never be it.
It's no surprise Steve left.
It's no surprise he chased after a woman who had firm beliefs, her own sense of identity.
Who is Bucky now? He wouldn't even know how to answer to that.
And he thinks it's selfish, the way he thought Steve could remain at his side, as if the blond had any reason to be reminded each day that his bestfriend was replaced by some sort of damaged toy, not even capable of holding a conversation from more than five minutes before his mind shuts off immediately, not finding any other ways to keep it going.
Steve has other stories about him, the old Bucky. The place the blond went to offered him to save him, and so he did.Many years earlier, the time he was meant to do it, he says.
He says it all with a smile, as if it would please Bucky to hear about someone that's literally himself, someone that got to age with Steve, to laugh with him, to watch his family grow just because he wasn't fucked up.
But will Bucky ever blame Steve?
Can he blame someone who has fought for years, who decided to do the first selfish thing after a hundred years?
But mostly, can he blame someone for not choosing Bucky?
The first night Steve told Bucky about him, he went straight at Sam's, grabbed the guy by the shoulder and yelled in his face.
"What the fuck do they have that I don't?!"
And Sam had listened, prepared the guy hot chocolate as they stayed in silence for a while. Then Bucky irrupted into tears, silent, just like he always is.
They didn't say anything to each other, but Sam understood, and he doesn't think he has ever felt so bad for his friend.
Bucky remembers Steve's words, remembers how they told him he was worth it all."I'd do it all over again for you,Buck."
Bucky, what a fucking fool to believe that.
He knows it now, and he should have known it back; it was just the part of Steve that was gripping to the past talking, the part that believed he could have really bought an apartment with him just to take the both of them back to the 40's.
And he knows that he could never be that man, nor that woman that Steve abandoned everything (him) for.
But he understands it, because there is nothing worth staying for when it comes to Bucky (even when the only efforts he made of getting better were for Steve, god fucking damn it.) and he should feel grateful and thankful for the other him somewhere in the universe who is smiling, remembering old times with his bestfriend (the love of his life) or for Steve that has something to smile about when thinking about him now (even if it's not him.)
It's a bitter sweet feeling, all he cares to know is that his Steve had the life he wanted, that he's happy, that he'd never want to go back and change something (just like he did when he left him, alon-). Bucky is not going to be greedy, not how he was when he wanted to be the centre of Steve's world (Steve promised he was), not how he was when he kept on making Steve believe he could have had his old friend back, not how he was when he believes that Steve would have been with him 'til the end of the line.
Bucky won't move one, doesn't know how to when he's literally know nothing more than Steve his whole life, but he's willing to take a last effort, put the last brave face on for Steve so that he won't have any regrets.
He doesn't feel resentful, he can't feel so. Not when he friend has given up so much for him, not when he made him believe he was worth the sacrifices.
Bucky now knows for sure, as the sun hits his face,
He guesses he was right on not being worth it.