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Jenna was seriously confused when she woke up. It felt like moving through deep water as she got out of bed to do her normal morning routine. She was well aware of how it was slowing her down.
Though, she didn't have the brain power, or the time, to dwell on it all that much.
She got through most of her tasks with little difficulty, but the real challenge would be picking out something to wear.
She decided to just grab the first things she saw and hoped that they matched. And once she had gotten dressed, she turned to her mirror.
It almost felt wrong to stand here and not criticize herself for once. She felt comfortable in her own skin and that's what was important, right?
Jenna sighs and looks away from the floor-length mirror, searching for her bag. She could focus on school instead of this mystery easily. Couldn't she?
"Jen!" She hears her dad call and almost curses when she sees the time: 7:59 blinking at her with a red glow. She grabs her bag and stuffs her homework in it, not really caring if it got messed up or not. Self-reflection can wait until later. At least, she hoped.
It could not wait. In fact, it hit her during second-period history like a brick. Everything suddenly felt wrong and it was a little unsettling. It was like everything she loved about herself had turned into what she hated. It weighed her down and it left her confused and slightly annoyed. She didn't like or know what was happening to her.
The feeling was gone by the end of class and she was left extremely confused, just like she always is.
The feeling comes back a few more times that day, each just as intense as the last and she still can't understand it.
Wrong until it's not.
Right until it's wrong
Running in circles doesn't change the outcome
She was back in front of her mirror again. This time, her eyes hold a critical gaze.
Did she really have that many curves?
Did her hair have to be this long?
Did-
Her door opens after a few knocks and she sees her dad poke his head in.
"You okay, Bunny?" She could see the clear concern in his eyes as he stood in the doorway, resting against the frame. "You've been a little quieter lately. Is something going on?"
Jenna sighs, walking over to her desk before sitting down in the swivel chair that sat behind it.
"It's nothing," she says, turning and taking her homework out of her folder and laying it on the desk.
Her dad frowns. "Are you sure? You might feel better if you talk about it."
Jenna lets her hands fall into her lap as she takes a deep breath. "It's- I- I feel weird." Her dad tilts his head and gives her a go ahead motion. "I like how I look, but...I also don't like it."
"What do you mean?" He walks into the room, letting the door close behind him and takes a seat on the bed.
"I- I don't really know how to explain it." Jenna looks away from her father, clearly embarrassed. Her father adopts a soft expression as he gently moves her head to look at him.
"Hey, how about this, I try to guess and you tell me if I'm right? Could that help?" Jenna shrugs and her dad gives her a small smile before his face morphs into an expression of concentration. "You said it wasn't the way you look, but it is?"
"Yeah."
"I know this might sound weird, but do you like your body?" her dad asks. Jenna frowns. Was that it? Was she just unhappy with her body? Jenna takes a few more seconds to think before she answers.
"I do."
"But?" her dad says.
"But sometimes it doesn't- it doesn't feel right." it's hard to get the words out, but now that she's said them, she realizes there's an almost scary truth to the statement. It doesn't feel right.
Her dad smiles as he notices the words sinking in. "Bunny," Jenna looks back at her father as he starts to speak, " have you heard of genders other than male and female?"
"Yeah, why?"
"Maybe you should look at terms like demigirl and non-binary. It could help." Jenna smiles and thanks her father before he goes to leave the room. He stops at the door and gives her a smile of his own before leaving with a quick, "good luck, Bunny."
Gen·der-Flu·id
ADJECTIVE
Denoting or relating to a person who does not identify themselves as having a fixed gender
"Hey, Dad?"
"Yes, Bunny?"
"I think I'm gender-fluid."
"Thanks for telling me, Jen."