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Anthy shook off the raindrops from her umbrella at the doorway of the East Dorm. Inside, all was quiet, as if the rain was taking place on an entirely different reality. When she climbed up the stairs she noticed that the light of her bedroom was on, which meant that Utena was awake, she should had expected it, it was Saturday and it still wasn’t that late at night, but Anthy didn’t have the energy to interact with anyone, specially with that girl.
She took a deep breath, put on her best Rose Bride mask and opened the door.
“I'm back, Miss Utena”, she said sounding more amiable than she actually felt.
The other girl reacted when she heard her name.
“Oh, Himemiya, welcome”, she said quietly while leaving the book she had been reading on the table. “I thought you would stay with your brother since it started raining”.
Chu-chu, who had been busy eating a cookie, choked suddenly and gave Anthy a nervous look.
“Something came up and I had to leave, it started raining halfway”, she answered. It was true, Mrs. Ohtori had unexpectedly decided to pay a visit to Akio.
Chu-chu breathed a sigh of relief. Outside, it started raining even more heavily
“I see, it's a good thing that you took the umbrella with you”, Utena muttered. “And how’s Aki– I mean, your brother?”
Nervous. That wasn’t good, because when he got nervous, he also got increasingly angry and Anthy didn’t like what happened when her brother was angry.
“He’s okay”, she answered at last. “He asked me about you.”
“Oh”
The slight blush on her roommate’s cheeks was a confirmation for Anthy that she was doing a great job on preparing Utena to eventually be handed over to Akio. That was something inevitable, but just thinking about it gave Anthy a pang in her chest.
“I hope Akio-san doesn’t have to go outside tonight. It’s dangerous with this rain”, the girl muttered more to herself than to Anthy who took the liberty of not following the conversation.
“Excuse me, Miss Utena, I’ll be taking a shower now.”
The other just nodded distractedly and turned to look at the window.
***
Anthy used to take a bath after her “visits” to her brother; after all, the duelists expected the Rose Bride to be a pure and innocent girl. Also (even if she didn’t want to admit it) she liked to imagine that just for a moment she could wash away all traces of what had happened with her brother and thus be truly immaculate. She checked that there were no marks left, fortunately there was nothing, but she feared that it was only a matter of time before she began to worry about hiding the bruises and scratches that would eventually come if her brother’s uneasiness increased.
She thought of Utena and how dumb she looked when she mentioned Akio. A bitter taste filled her mouth; that girl held on so tightly to her delusions of romance and false nobility that she could never imagine a fraction of what Anthy was going through. She hated her for not having a clue. All duelists were fools by design, but she especially despised the current victor because that girl didn’t know her place and to add insult to injury, she acted with the impudence of someone who thinks they were right about everything. It was a matter of time before she had to face the truth, after all, things fell under their own weight and all duelists eventually failed and disappeared. Utena would be one among many others and even though at the end Anthy enjoyed seeing their faces when they realized it was too late, she had to admit that she was not particularly anxious to see what would happen to Utena. It was true that imagining it caused her some pleasure at that moment, but it was also true that once everything was done she wouldn’t feel a thing afterwards. Why would she? It wouldn’t be anything out of the ordinary, hundreds of duelists, appeared, fought and ended their cycle; the Rose Bride was the only constant.
The bitter taste in her mouth got worse as well as the pangs in her chest. Anthy finished drying and put on her nightgown. There was no point in mulling over that. Better to leave everything buried deep inside her, the Rose Bride should not feel.
Upon entering the room she found Utena in the same position in which she had left her: looking at the window with an unreadable expression on her face.
“I'm back, Miss Utena”, she said loudly enough to be heard above the sound of the rain.
A thunder fell and for a moment Anthy thought she saw the other girl shuddering.
“I hope that everyone’s okay, it’s getting dangerous outside”, Utena said without even turning around.
It was not normal. Usually she would be more talkative or (when she was particularly nervous) she would move around the room while stretching. She looked too calm now, lethargic even, like that time when she lost to the president of the Student Council. It didn’t make sense, Anthy prided herself on knowing Utena’s feelings and thus being able to manipulate them with ease. However, she hadn’t foreseen her roommate’s current state.
Chu-chu started pulling Utena’s sleeves while begging for more cookies, the girl simply stroked his head and set him aside. She folded her legs against her chest and rested her head on her knees. The ape threw a pleading look at Anthy who was pondering about what was going on. She had no idea what was the cause behind that unusual behavior, but she did know that Utena couldn’t stay like that, mainly because it wasn’t convenient for their plans (or so the thought). The storm gave her an idea, perhaps if Anthy acted as if storms frightened her, Utena would react and try to comfort her. It was too cliché of a move, but she knew that Utena loved that kind of things since it gave her the opportunity to play as the gallant hero who protected the damsel in distress. She began mentally rehearsing her best “frightened girl reactions” when something made her quit her machinations. She felt really stupid for not noticing until that moment that when lightning struck, the other girl shuddered. It was useless, Utena couldn’t be the hero who protected the poor damsel from the storm because she was the one who was the most scared.
Considering the current state of things, Anthy had to try something else.
“Miss Utena?”
The latter became tense when she heard her name and rubbed her face with her forearm. Finally, she turned around.
“Sorry, did you call me? I was distracted.”
Her face contorted on a strange grimace: a bad attempt at a smile to hide what her reddened eyes betrayed.
“Are you okay?”, Anthy asked tentatively.
Utena’s face got red.
“Um ... yes, I'm just tired. I think I better go to sleep.”
So she didn’t want to talk about that. Weren’t they supposed to be friends? Although the friendship that Anthy professed was feigned, the Rose Bride felt indignant at the fact that Utena didn't trust her that much yet.
“Okay, I'll go to bed too”.
Except for the sound of the storm, there was no other noise, even Chu-chu was very still. Anthy went to her bed while her roommate changed.
“I hope this storm will pass soon. Good night, Himemiya”, the girl muttered before climbing up to her bed.
Again, that annoying pang in the chest, maybe it was the deep sadness in Utena's eyes or the frustration Anthy felt for not knowing what was happening, but she couldn’t leave it like this.
“Miss Utena, sleep with me, please”
“What?!”
Utena stood paralyzed halfway up the stairs to her bunk, while Anthy moved to leave some space for her.
“It's just ... I don’t like storms. Stay with me, please.”
“Neither do I”, answered the pink haired girl and without saying another word, she took her pillow and went down to Anthy's bed. However, once she got there she just sat on the edge of the bed without knowing what to do next.
“Sorry, are you sure it’s ok?”, Utena asked. “I’m not used to sharing a bed, you see, I’m an only child…”
Now she was fidgeting, Anthy found that to be an improvement.
“There is enough space for both. Come on”.
After a moment of doubt, Utena lay down next to Anthy.
They stared at each other for a long time, the only noise was the storm and the only lights Anthy could see were the occasional lightings and that strange brightness on Utena's eyes that she could not yet figure out.
“How are you feeling? Are you scared?”, Utena whispered, her hands clinging tightly to the sheets.
Gently, Anthy took one of the girl's hands in hers and began to caress it.
“Not now. And you?”
Although her hands were no longer twitching, Anthy kept noticing that the girl's whole body was tense.
“N-no. What makes you think that?”, the more Utena tried to calm down, the more agitated her breathing sounded. “Really I …”
Anthy didn't let her continue, but rather she put her arms around the girl and embraced her.
“Himemiya!, what––?”
“It’s ok.” Anthy said while running her hand through Utena’s hair. “It’s going to be all right”.
This wasn’t the first time that she had comforted a duelist. Most of them were teenagers after all and if they needed Anthy to act as her surrogate mother, she had to do it, it was her duty as the Rose Bride. This was yet another routine task, however, when Utena started sobbing, Anthy couldn’t keep being indifferent any more.
Things made even less sense, she had seen, (and even made) Utena cry before, but now she wanted to stop it.
A new thunder made Utena shudder.
“It’s okay, everything will be fine”, Anthy whispered, she wasn’t sure who did she wanted to calm: Utena or herself.
“I’m sorry, Himemiya. I don’t know what’s gotten into me”, Utena said once she could will herself to stop crying.
“You don’t have to apologize.”
While she caressed her, Anthy let the girl cling to her as if she were a plank in then middle of the ocean during a tempest.
“It was a night just like this when I saw those two for the last time. They were supposed to do a quick trip to the store, but it started raining and I waited and waited and waited…”, Utena left out another sob. “I know it's been years, but there are times when I remember everything and I feel awful. It’s like I was eight years old all over again. It’s so stupid.”
So that was it. Since Utena never mentioned her parents or talked about her condition, Anthy thought that the girl either didn't bother to think about them or she had forgotten them, but it turned out that this apparent lack of concern was just one of the many masks that Utena used to look stronger. She had even managed to trick Anthy, and Anthy felt unable to forgive herself for such mistake. Even if Utena played Prince all the time, at the end of the day she was just an scared and lonely girl.
Anthy couldn’t help but imagine said scared little girl on a dark night just like that one waiting for her parents to come back while a storm raged outside, and just thinking about it sent pangs to her chest once again.
“I don’t think it’s stupid, Miss Utena”, she said. Her answers had been calculated until then, but now Anthy was forced to improvise. “Sometimes there are things that can’t be changed and you have to live with that. It's painful, but feeling that way doesn’t make you weaker.”
“You think so?”
“It's true. Now, try to calm down, you must rest.”
Meekly, Utena let herself be held and caressed. Little by little, she relaxed until she fell asleep. Anthy was surprised by how easily she had finally calmed the girl down. She reminded her of a small child.
At the end, Utena was just a young girl that Anthy and her brother were taking advantage of without any regards. But there was no turning back, unless a superior duelist appeared, Utena's fate was decided. That’s how it had always been since the beginning, and there was nothing Anthy could do to change that, even if she was starting to feel something akin to regret.
Was this fair? Until now the duelists had been nothing more than a necessary sacrifice to regain the power of the Prince, but Utena was different. Not only would she fail, but she would sink lower than the others because she was a woman. Her sword would never open the gate. Why did her brother insist on going on with that lost cause? Wouldn’t it be better to let her go and start all over again?
Utena mumbled something and moved. Anthy stroked her pink hair and the girl snuggled closer. The Rose Bride was surprised at the warmth of that contact. She didn't remember the last time her brother had made her feel that way. And to think that she had been angry at her just a few hours before. Now it seemed impossible to hate Utena, but Anthy knew that later she would find more reasons to despise her. Only Utena made her feelings oscillate in that way. That wasn’t right.
“You scare me”, she whispered in her native tongue. Utena remained asleep.
Anthy didn't know when she drifted off to sleep, the fact that she had been able to get some rest surprised her. Maybe everything that happened the night before had made her more tired than she expected. When she woke up it was already early in the morning and Utena was stretching in the room while ignoring Chu-chu's demands for breakfast.
“Good morning, Himemiya. How did you sleep? Did I bother you last night?”
She smiled again and Anthy couldn’t tell what dazzled her more: the sun or the girl’s brightness.
“No problem, Miss Utena. I'm glad that you’re feeling better.”
Utena took Anthy’s hand and helped her out of bed. The Rose Bride’s heart skipped a beat when she felt the contact.
“Himemiya ... Thank you so much for last night. I really needed that. You’re always so nice.”
And before Anthy could do anything, she received a kiss on the forehead.
Nice? Her? If only Utena knew. At the end, Anthy would be the one to destroy her. It was bound to happen.
She covered her mouth with her hands and turned around as she struggled to hold back a sob.
“Sorry, Himemiya! I should have asked permission first. Did I made you feel bad?”
“No, it’s not that. I'm just surprised. You are also very kind.”
Utena smiled shyly, looking at the pink haired girl was becoming increasingly unbearable.
“Okay, I'll wait for you downstairs. This time I will make breakfast. And maybe later we can go out, today’s weather looks good.”
Anthy nodded as she faced the wall and waited for her roommate to get out and take Chu-chu with her. When she was alone, she began to cry quietly. She didn't want Utena to notice and try to comfort her, that would make her feel worse. She looked out the window: the bright sun and the clear sky seemed to mock her. Utena had been wrong about the weather, maybe the storm was over, but from now on the clouds would never leave.