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It has probably always been like this. It's not like he can remember when it started, but it was definitely already a constant in his life when he was a teenager. It's useless to dwell on how it might have started. Doesn't change the fact that this is his reality now.
It comes in waves. The anxiety, that is. Saying it like that, compressing everything he feels and thinks and feels and feels into one word seems exceedingly inadequate, but he had learned that ‘anxiety’ is a word most people can understand, most people can associate at least something with and that's a start. It had bothered him for a long time that he never seemed to find the right words to explain it, never seemed to be able to make others understand him. Until he realized that it's not a flaw on his part, that it's not like he could make others understand him if only he was better with words. It's just the fact that everyone is different. Even when people talk about the same thing and say they have the same opinion, they will still think a little bit differently about it based on their experiences and the way they're wired. You can’t expect every brain to function exactly the same way. It's nothing new, not a groundbreaking thought and still, realizing this was like an epiphany. If everyone is different, how is he supposed to find a person out there who actually feels the same? Who understands every single facet of this, who feels every single nuance, every shade of this whirlwind inside of him the exact same way he does? And actually, is it necessary to find someone who can understand you completely? Isn't it more important to have someone who loves the facets they do understand, who tries to understand as much as they can and supports you even though you will always remain a little bit foreign, a little bit unexplored, a little bit enigmatic?
That – such a person – he has.
Taehyung is more than anything he could have asked for.
He never understood why people called the other weird. He was different - smiled wider, cuddled more, shared more of his thoughts. For Yoongi, this was all a sign that Taehyung was just more open, was laying more of himself out there for others to relate to, he was more human, more loving, just more. How some people failed to see the beauty in that, failed to see the inimitable beauty of Taehyung’s soul, left him stunned. Falling for Taehyung was the only logical consequence he saw, it was the only possible answer to Taehyung’s unspoken questions.
Others always pointed out how different they were, the two boys from Daegu. How one was quiet while the other was loud. How one was bright while the other was more like a grey cloud on a breezy autumn evening. How one was always giving while the other seemed to build one wall after the other around him. That's all they saw, but Yoongi told himself to not waste precious time with people who didn't bother to look past that. People who didn't bother to stop long enough to see Taehyung’s smile falter, to see the worry take over his delicate features. People who didn't bother to stop long enough to see Yoongi's face light up in carefree laughter, to see him reaching out to softly caress the other's shaking hands. People who didn’t bother to stop long enough to see what was hiding behind their one-dimensional, erroneous categorization.
It took them years to find out how similar they were. Maybe not similar, but compatible, completing and mirroring, not everything for each other but enough. Years of hand holding, hushed conversations in busy backstage rooms, shared cigarettes in dark alleys, arguments, laughter, silence that didn't feel awkward because it was just them, being there, being together in this universe. That were some of his most treasured memories – just them, somewhere (it didn’t matter), doing something (it didn’t matter), together (the important part). The most mundane, irrelevant situation becomes more, becomes special when it’s them, when it’s them sharing it, sharing the same space on this earth, looking up at the same sky.
Taehyung didn't share his demons, because he had his own, of course. But he had them, looming over him with the promise to strike when he was least expecting it. If Yoongi’s were like a landslide, crushing hard and fast, Taehyung’s were like fog, not palpable, seemingly harmless but obscuring your view until you get lost and don't know how to get where you want to be. Similarly, Yoongi could be brighter than the sun. He did let go at times, let go of everything holding him back and let the rays reach deep into his heart, until he had no other choice than to grace the world around him with silent, shoulder- shaking laughter and gummy smiles. At times, he was the one clinging to others, holding them and relentlessly telling one bad joke after the other until there was no energy left to laugh and they had to catch their breaths.
~
It comes in waves. Sometimes fast and unexpected, crushing everything under it’s powerful force. Sometimes slowly, building up to it, quietly, until it was there and you couldn't deny or ignore it anymore. He had given up a long time ago on deciding which was worse. Both left him breathless and numb and both made him feel like he hadn’t accomplished any progress since. He tried to describe it to Taehyung once: it was like a punch in the gut, like your lungs suddenly forgot how to work properly, like you're falling and you don't know when you'll reach the earth, like you're floating and you don't know where up and down are anymore, like you were part of a group but you lost the rest of them and you know that they are somewhere there but you just can't find them and wander around aimlessly, the prospect of finding them dwindling with every second that passes.
It comes in waves. The first ones after him and Taehyung had found each other, had confided in each other, had shared their feelings for each other, had been confusing. He was used to the worst aspect of it being the fact that he was alone in all of this. Just thinking about this word ‘alone’ had made his throat close up and the tears building. With Taehyung, it was different. He had someone to hold him, hold his hand, anchor him. But in the end, that was all Taehyung could do. He could not make Yoongi’s demons disappear, he could not fight them, could not battle something that was not visible to the eye, that was only manifest for Yoongi. It was the first time he truly realized that those were his demons – and therefore he was the one who knew how to fight them. He was the one who had to find a way to hold all of his puzzle pieces together, how to keep the ground beneath him steady as the waves crashed. He doesn’t need Taehyung to fight his battles, he needs Taehyung to be there, to try to understand, to be open, to let him in and to explore with him. The word ‘alone’ had become less of a threat then.
It comes in waves. The point is, waves retreat. Waves go back, leave you alone - to gather their strength, to come back more forcefully after they've swept you up and unrooted you. But they do retreat and give you time to breathe. Time to gather yourself and brace yourself. Time to gather strength, strength to better fight the next one. He was not stupid or naive enough to believe that the most recent wave would be the last. Life did not work like that. And he was also not stupid enough to tell himself bullshit phrases like ‘he has to learn how to ride the wave’ or crap like that. He had to learn how to handle being swept up, being thrown around by it. He had to learn how to handle it, how to keep pushing through it, how to keep all of his pieces together during the worst of it so that he could, one day, breathe through it. Know that it is there, feel it but not let it dominate the rest of him, not let it take control, but take control himself.
It comes in waves. Washing over him, then retreating. Maybe that was why the ocean had always been his secret favorite, maybe that was why the ocean could always calm him, soothe the thunder raging in his chest. Maybe seeing it, how the waves crash on the shore every day, how it’s just a part of nature, how it’s there but does not destroy everything around him, how the waves come and go, an endless cycle, but not a vicious one – maybe seeing this endless up and down, high tide and low tide, steady like the ocean’s heartbeat – maybe seeing this gave him strength. Maybe that was why he found himself on the beach again, letting the sand slip through his calloused fingers, letting the moon illuminate the waves crashing.
He feels Taehyung tug at his hand and looks up. He wonders when Taehyung’s eyes had started to shimmer less like he held the entire universe in them. He wonders when Taehyung’s eyes had instead started to be more like fluid caramel swirls, washing over him with affection, with love. He wonders when Taehyung had become like the ocean for him. But maybe that's the wrong question. It doesn't matter when.
The only thing that matters is how he can give all of it back, how he can be all of this and more.
For Taehyung.
For himself.