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“KA-CHOU-SEN!” The familiar battle cry rang through the gym of the Shiranui Dojo, and Andy Bogard had to duck to avoid a skillfully-thrown butterfly fan that sailed towards his head. A moment later, his wife Mai landed on tatami mat a hundred feet away from him, coming down from her leap. As her feet touched the ground, she launched two more fans rapidly, which Andy swatted aside just as rapidly, one with his left forearm, the other with his right.
The couple were doing their daily spar, and today's match had been particularly charged with energy, for some reason. Both husband and wife seemed to be in rare form. As if to illustrate this, after rendering Mai's projectiles harmless, Andy charged across the mats in his Zan-Ei-Ken. Mai recognized that he was entering that move, and had already started into the motions of her Deadly Ninja Bee attack. They met each other in the middle of the gym, where Andy's outstretched right elbow struck Mai's outstretched left, and they deflected one another, knocking both fighters back several paces.
Andy recovered first, and charged at Mai, jabbing high and low with his fists. Mai dodged the attacks, then ducked the high kick that he followed with. As she stood upright again, she swung her right leg up in her own high kick, which Andy dodged with a deft maneuver backwards, to also avoid Mai's heel as it came back down to the ground.
Mai tried to press the attack by swinging her fan in from the side, but Andy deflected it, dropped into a crouch, and tried to sweep her legs. Mai dodged by jumping high, turned her body in midair so she was facing the same direction as him, and then Andy felt the soles of her tabi-clad feet pressing down against his shoulders.
Mai was now squatting on top of him, and Andy could feel the tight, round swell of her shapely, thong-clad buttocks lightly brushing against the back of his head. Andy was expecting Mai to follow this up by locking her ankles around either side of his neck and throwing him, so his mind quickly tried to assess if he had any leverage...
A split second later, however, he felt a burst of heat emanating from his wife's backside, then felt chi flames washing over him, felt their energy drive him face-first onto the tatami mat. Mai had flipped off of him almost immediately after expelling her fire, landing gracefully on her feet several yards away.
The first thing Mai Shiranui-Bogard noticed after touching down was that her husband was still on the ground. She stood there for a moment, her hands raised in a defensive stance. Then when it became obvious that Andy was not trying to psyche her out, she stepped closer to him and offered him a hand. “You okay, Andy?” She asked him. “I only put a small fraction of my chi power into that move, so you shouldn't have gotten burned.”
Andy accepted the hand and allowed Mai to bring him to his feet. The blond ninja shook his head as if to clear it, and then said: “Yeah, I'm fine. It's just... what was that move you just did?”
Mai stuck out her chest with a look of pride on her face. “Oh, that? Just something I read about in the Shiranui clan scrolls. They call it the Gekka-Midare-Botan, one of the more secret techniques. Pretty cool, huh?”
“Oh.” Andy had a faraway look in his eyes, but he still gave a nod. “Yeah. Okay.” He assumed a stance once more, but he still appeared distracted. Mai spun gracefully towards him, extending her arms and lashing out with her fans when she got close. Andy's block was miles off its mark, and he took both hits in the torso, sending him back to the mat.
“Andy, are you sure you're okay?” Mai asked as she helped him up again.
“Yeah,” Andy said, though once he was back on his feet he did not bother to take up a defensive stance. His blue eyes seemed to be hazed slightly, as if his thoughts were distracting him. “Mai... was that move really one of your clan's secret techniques?”
“Yes,” Mai answered. “I told you, I read about it in the scrolls. Shiranui kunoichi have been learning it for four-hundred years.”
Andy's brow furrowed. “Oh, I'm surprised by that because... it seemed to me like you... just farted on my head.”
“What?” Mai gazed at her husband as if he'd just sprouted a tail. “How could you even think that? It wasn't a fart. It was my chi fire.”
“Yeah, I know, but... how did you make the fire?”
“What kind of question is that? The same way I always make it, using energy drawn from Mother Earth, focused through the chakra in my body. It's basic stuff, Andy.”
“Except, that this chi fire felt like it was... coming out of... your... you know...”
Mai started to get more annoyed, now, and waved her fan under Andy's chin. “Andy, I told you, it wasn't a fart. I'll have you know I am the very model of proper Japanese womanhood. I never fart.”
Andy knew that Mai's claim to the first thing was definitely debatable, but her claim to the second thing seemed like it couldn't be true. “Never?”
Mai blew out a loud breath and rolled her eyes. “Well, okay, sometimes I do, but only in private. I never fart in front of other people.”
“Except... you did just now,” Andy pointed out.
The color began to rise in Mai's cheeks, and Andy could see her telltale forehead vein start to throb. “Andy, for the last time, I was not farting! I was using an ancient Shiranui ninjutsu technique. Now can we please continue this match?”
Andy gave a nod, and stepped back a few paces, getting into a defensive stance. Mai did the same. But Andy still had difficulty dropping it. An “ancient technique” that involved flames shooting out his wife's rear-end... was difficult to wrap his brain around. “But it... really did seem like you farted on me,” Andy blurted out.
Mai Shiranui-Bogard's face turned a bright scarlet, and Andy swore he could hear a bomb detonating somewhere inside of her brain. “I WAS NOT... FARTING!” She screamed at him. “And if you can't get that through your thick head, then I don't wanna spar with you right now! I'm going to the woods to train by myself!”
“Try not to fart again,” Andy said under his breath, though Mai still heard him. A few moments later, Andy found himself floored by the ninja girl's Ryu En Bou attack. As he stared at the ceiling, he heard Mai fling her fans to the ground and storm from the gym.
Andy wound up sleeping on the couch that night, and by the time the next evening rolled around, the couple finally felt that the whole argument had been a stupid one to begin with, apologized to each other, and then had passionate, sweaty make-up sex. But a small part of Andy Bogard still regretted apologizing. Because he was fairly certain that his wife had in fact farted on his head...