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Pouring myself some water, I had decided I was feeling quite good today. Seán was in his office, recording what he said was an anime-type game, and I took his word for it, as I hadn’t heard of the game before. Mindlessly wandering around the house, I tried to find something to cure my boredom. From Seán’s office, I heard him mumbling to himself and sniffling as I passed by. To determine if he was faking crying for a video or if it was genuine, I stopped and listened closely. Doing my best, I had decided it was genuine, but still had my doubts as I contemplated if I was right or not. Nevertheless, I caved and set my water aside, opening the door quietly.
“Oh god, Robin, you’re gonna have a hell of a time editing this out,” Seán mumbled. Sitting back in his chair, his hands covered his face.
“Seán, are you okay?” I asked softly as I walked towards him. Lifting his head out of his hands, he looked at me, eyes watery and red. He gave me a weak smile, “Yeah.”
Drying tears covered his cheeks, causing me to frown and walk over to him, wiping under his eyes with my thumbs, “What happened?”
Taking a shaky breath, he gestured vaguely to his computer screen, “I knew this game was going to be,” he sighed, “I mean, I read the trigger warning, but this, I didn’t know I’d react this way.” I looked at his monitor, seeing a female character standing in the bathroom with cuts on her arms. Reaching over to his computer, I closed the game and turned off all his recording equipment. Seán just watched me silently without objection; he knew he needed a break. Sometimes everything was just a bit too much for him.
“Come on,” I encouraged, grabbing his hand carefully. Obliging, he followed me out of his office and to the couch in the living room.
“Why’re you so great?” he asked suddenly. Laughing lightly, I sat down on the couch with him following suit.
For a second, I studied him and asked, “Do you wanna talk about it?” Eyes met mine for a moment before they were torn away and his hands covered his face.
“I feel so stupid.” He groaned, his voice slightly muffled due to his hands.
“Seán,” I said softly, wanting him to put his hands down. Reluctantly, he did so and met my gaze again, enabling me to continue. “You know your feelings are one-hundred percent valid, so there’s no need to feel stupid, and you know you can always talk to me.” Hands pulled me into his chest as he smiled weakly at me, one hand tracing the scars on my arm while his other hand wiped his face.
“I,” he hesitated, taking a deep breath, “I imagined you.” Curious and engaged, I looked up at him. “I imagined you standing in the bathroom with cuts on your arms, and it... scared me. It scared me to know that you had been in that same position before. I know you’re doing better now, but it still pains me to know that at one point you were hurting enough that you had resorted to hurting yourself,” he said quietly. “I don’t want you to hurt yourself.”
Another tear fell from his face as I watched him, smiling. His gaze had stayed on my arms the entire time while tracing my skin. Pulling my arm from his grasp, I reached up and wiped the tear from his cheek. Genuinely and painfully, he switched his gaze to me.
My eyes flickered between his, “I have a better thing to make me feel better now, Seán. I don’t need to hurt myself to be happy anymore, ‘cause I have you. You’re the thing that keeps me happy, and as long as you continue to be, I can tell you for a fact that I’m not going to hurt myself again.”
Content with my answer, he smiled and replied jokingly, though his voice was still a bit sparse, “What? You mean this screaming Irishman makes you happy? Out of all the things in the world?”
“Oh, you don’t even know how happy he makes me.”