Work Text:
“Here, we witness the Dorkus Enormous in its natural habitat. The Dorkus Enormous, unlike most species, prefers to live on flat, concrete surfaces, devoid of vegetation. It is a barren landscape, where only the toughest can survive, yet the Dorkus Enormous thrives in this harsh environment by honing its hunting skills for its natural prey: the tennis ball.
“The Dorkus Enormous is readily identifiable by its distinctive plumage. Unlike other species, it retains its barf-yellow color year-round. The black head and bill are also characteristic of the species, as is its peculiar song, heard here:”
“Tarundoru! Tarundoru!”
“The Dorkus Enormous warbles this distinctive song both in the morning and in the late afternoon to warn other species of its imminent approach. The Dorkus Enormous is also well-known for its ramrod-straight posture and violent outbursts. Here, we see the Dorkus Enormous striking a Kirihara to take a tennis ball from it, in a typical display:”
“Tarundoru! You call that a volley? Get out of my way! I’ll show you how it’s done.”
“Summer is the natural mating season for the Dorkus Enormous. During this time, the male Dorkus Enormous will attempt to lure in a mate by demonstrating his hunting prowess. However, because the female Dorkus Enormous – also known as a Seiichi – is generally the more skilled at hunting tennis balls, such displays are often unsuccessful:”
“6-0, my set again. Tee-hee. Uh… Sanada, are you all right? Do you need an ambulance?”
“Just give me a – gasp – minute to catch my – wheeze – breath.”
“Oh. Does that mean you’re not up for another set?”
“When the Dorkus Enormous has eyed a suitable Seiichi, he will typically engage in an elaborate mating dance. His posture will become stiffer than usual, as if a large rod has been placed up his posterior. He will then fold his arms over his chest in an effort to fluff out his plumage and make himself appear larger and stronger. If the Seiichi doesn’t respond to this dance, he will attempt to further entice his potential mate by singing a special mating song, consisting of a loud yell that sounds like this:”
“Ten more laps! Tarundoru!”
“This mating song has the natural result of sending other species in the area fleeing around the concrete plains. If the response to this song is strong enough, the Seiichi will conclude that the Dorkus Enormous is a suitable mate and will allow mounting.
“Mounting generally occurs away from the hunting grounds, in a secluded spot. Natural waterfalls are the Dorkus Enormous and Seiichi’s favorite location. Rare, never-before-seen footage of the Dorkus Enormous mating is shown here:”
“Oh, God, Genichiro!”
“Seiichi, yes! You’re so…”
“Genichiro, wait!”
“What? Wait? Why?”
“Did you hear something?”
“Hear something? What are you talking about?”
“I think someone’s in the far shower.”
“Everyone’s gone home, Seiichi. It’s just us. Now, please…”
“Mmm, Genichiro…”
“Once the Dorkus Enormous has selected his Seiichi and mated, he begins the process of nesting. The Dorkus Enormous is particularly fond of large, smooth stones, and one can generally be found in the center of every Dorkus Enormous nest:”
“Nioh, get out of my bag! What are you doing with that camera? Tarundoru! Twenty laps!”
“Once the Dorkus Enormous and the Seiichi have settled into their nest, the Seiichi will produce approximately fifteen to twenty hatchlings. These hatchlings, known as ‘first-years,’ must then learn the hunting ways of the Dorkus Enormous. Because tennis balls are fast and difficult prey to catch, the Dorkus Enormous and the Seiichi will devote hours to training their first-years to hunt properly:”
“No, no, your forms are all dreadful! Sanada?”
“Tarundoru!”
“However, the natural world is a harsh place, and many first-years will not survive long enough to grow into their barf-yellow plumage. Although the Dorkus Enormous and the Seiichi produce a large number of first-years each year, only eight from each litter will ultimately make it to adulthood.
“For the Dorki Enormi who do make it to adulthood, however, the rewards are endless. Soon, these little first-years will be hunting their own tennis balls, wearing their own bill-caps, and singing mating songs for their own Seiichi:”
“Uh… Hey, Asahi. Isn’t that guy with the camera in the bushes one of the regulars?”
“Huh, yeah. What do you think he’s doing?”
“What if he’s taking footage of us slacking off, and he’s going to show it to the vice-captain later?”
“Quick, quick! I’m serving right now!”
“And so the cycle of life begins anew, as each hatchling competes for the ultimate challenge: Who will become the biggest dork?”
***
Nioh chewed on his lower lip as his video project came to an end. “So?” he asked nervously. “What do you think?”
Yagyu pushed his glasses up onto the brim of his nose. “Well, if Sanada doesn’t kill you, Yukimura will.” He grinned at Nioh.
Nioh grinned back. “Class presentations, bright and early first period tomorrow,” Nioh concluded cheerfully.