Chapter Text
It stings. Just sitting there and watching. Looking at what you want, but you know you can’t have it because someone else has taken claim over it. That feeling you get when you have nothing left. When you know what you wish for can’t be granted. That burning sensation that makes your vision blur and a flash of red appear in your eyes. It was love and only a fool would be tricked and held by its strong hold. You want to run. You want to hide, but it won’t let you. And for some reason, you thank it for that. For showing you what you can’t have or else you would steal it and leave the person that holds it on their knees crying.
And Jerome was too good for that.
He didn’t take what wasn’t his, but he wanted to. He sat and let life move on, waiting for her to come to him. But she went farther, inching back every time he went forward. He smiled to himself for no particular reason… but he knew it was to mask his pain. He was hurting and no one knew it. They never thought Jerome Clarke, the prankster could be hurt.
Jerome looked up at the sky, trying to identify the shapes. He heard that the stars decided your fate. As he looked up at them he knew it was a lie. He just wanted her. He wanted to hold her, to touch her, to be with her, but she was taken and he knew it. The look in her eyes said so… she was happy. And he wasn’t going to be the one that stole that away.
He sighed and stood up, looking around the grassy field. Nothing. That was what surrounded him. He took a step forward and a small gust of wind brushed against him making all the hair on his arm stand. That was when he got the weird feeling and he knew he had been taken. He was trapped in a love trance that he couldn’t break out of. He wanted so badly to pop the bubble but nothing worked. So he swayed in the in-betweens and watched.
That was what love was for after all. Watch and do. But he could never succeed at the ‘do’ part. He could only ever watch. And when he did all he saw were smiles… She smiled. And laughed too. She swirled and swirled all around as if dancing in the rain, feeling so carefree and not having a worry in the world. He wanted that too, but he was stuck in the thundering, dark chasm he had fallen into. He couldn’t climb out, and even if he did one piece would be left behind.
He turned and looked down at the swaying water. He could see a blurred vision.
She was twirling and smiling and holding his hands. They were both… happy. Without a care in the world they danced and sang to nothing in particular, but it felt good. It felt good to escape love’s torment. He was free and he had the one thing he wanted. Her… and her love. He threw his head back and released a laugh that he had kept bottled up inside. It had opened and he had never felt better. He looked into her brown eyes and didn’t see regret, he saw happiness. And that’s all he wanted all along. For her to be happy. For him to be happy. For them to be happy together.
But it was only a vision. So he blinked and shook his head, sending his mind back to reality. But reality was cold and dark. Dreams were warm and bright. And he knew which one he would choose if it ever came down to that, but he didn’t want to worry about that, so he continued on his journey.
He walked past the dreamy water and saw what he hoped would get him answers. A valley and behind that a mountain. He needed this moment to escape the truth. He wanted a lie and that’s what he was searching for. Jerome trudged along and headed into the frosty plains. A chill ran down his spine and his teeth chattered, but then he filled his mind with images of her and almost instantly felt warmer. But then he remembered that she wasn’t his and the cold came back almost as quickly as it had left. He shut his eyes and tried to imagine himself at the top, but he couldn’t see it. So he sighed and made his way through the clearing and that’s when it happened. He realized that he wasn’t doing it for her, but for himself. He wanted to cut through the ropes, but when he did he tied himself back up and stopped struggling. He gave into the feeling that almost destroyed him.
He knew very well what he had signed up for. It was almost as if he was selling his soul to the devil. And even if it was that at least he didn’t have to see her… with him. The one that stole her and didn’t plan on returning her. He’d rather burn then see them together.
Jerome shook his head and continued walking. He was hurting himself by thinking like this. He was acting crazy, but maybe crazy was what he needed. His world was falling apart and he had nothing to hold on to. Nothing to grasp as he fell. He just sank into the empty pit. He couldn’t be saved, but he didn’t care. Because he didn’t want to be saved.
He was too focused. He had to get out of that box. He needed to or else he would destroy himself. He needed to want to survive… yet sometimes he didn’t want too. He wanted to end his pain. But he didn’t know anyway that was possible. He was going to have to clench his teeth and smile as if everything was perfect when it wasn’t… well at least for him. Seeing everyone smile made it worse. All his friends were happy while he was on the verge of depression. But he realized he didn’t care. He wanted to get rid of all his trouble and there was only one way.
He closed his eyes and then opened them as he finally came back to the real world. He looked down at the item in his hand forgetting why it was there. He shook his head trying to shake off his day dream. He looked back down at his hand, and saw the small match. He was clueless as to why he had it. He probably forgot while he was dreaming… The dream… that was it.
Jerome tossed the match between his hands. He then set it down on the table and examined it for a moment. He closed his eyes and began to imagine again, but he knew his imagination was nothing. It was simply imaginary, so he picked it back up and struck the match. He threw it across the room and watched the curtains catch fire. He watched the flames dance without panic. He just watched and sat there without moving. He knew that it wasn’t real. He knew it wasn’t going to happen. That’s why they call it a dream… so he sat there and never got up.