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“Hi Steve!” The two voices are almost in harmony as Max and El burst through the door of Family Video, the bell jingling over their heads.
Steve leans forward on the counter and grins. “Hey-hey, girls!” He swallows, hating the little flip his stomach does when he sees Billy trailing behind them, still outside as he stubs out a cigarette with his boot.
It’s still hard to get used to him with the short hair. He has a slightly gaunt frame now, and a couple scars litter his otherwise perfect face. He has a much quieter demeanor overall.
Steve tears himself away from staring at Billy who’s still hesitating, loitering outside in his black leather jacket. Instead, he comes around the counter to help Max and El pick out videos.
“What is it tonight?” He says, slipping his hands in his jeans pockets just for something to do with them. “Romancing the Stone? I know Max likes that one.”
“This one’s for Billy,” El says importantly. She’s been visiting for spring break. Every other time Steve has seen her, she’s been with Mike. But he heard she’d hung out with Billy plenty too. With Max, of course. It was a funny little trio. Billy and El have this whole bond thing, Max told him. That made sense. “We’re giving him a party.”
“Already gave me a party,” Billy murmurs, coming up behind them. Steve keeps looking at him; searching his eyes for that old Billy. But the truth is, they’re both there. A little bit of the monster is there too. That’s scary but it’s also true for Will Byers and Will Byers is a sweetheart.
“El wasn’t here then!” Max says, and Steve can tell they’ve had this conversation before.
“Whatever.” Billy smiles, and tugs gently on one of Max’s braids.
“Besides,” Steve says, “It’s not every day somebody like...comes back from the dead. That’s gotta be worth a couple ragers?”
“Yeah real ragers,” Billy says, tittering. Steve realizes he doesn’t hear Billy laugh enough. Maybe he laughs more when he hangs out with Max. He hopes so. “My ragers always involve French braiding and Lee press-on nails.”
“Why don’t you hang out with Steve?” El says, looking back and forth between them as if it should be obvious.
Steve looks at Billy like maybe this has never occurred to him before, running a hand through his hair. The truth is, Billy’s been back (from an undisclosed military hospital) for months, and it’s occurred to Steve a hundred times that maybe the guy like...needs a friend besides his kid sister. Billy lives back at home and his dad has fucked off. He’s got that going for him anyway.
But he maybe could use...a pal.
Maybe Steve’s fantasized about more than that but that’s on him. It’s probably Robin’s influence anyway.
Yeah, that’s it.
Steve opens his mouth to encourage the idea when Robin says from behind him, “Who’s hanging out with Steve?”
“Nobody!” Steve says, receiving the mildest of hurt looks from Billy. God, he really does look different, his blonde curls cut close in gentle waves, making his icy blue eyes pop even more than they did before. He’s lost that little mustache, but the two scars on his left side make him look older. Steve feels a pang of remorse. “I mean, Billy is. Billy and I. We’re gonna hang out.” He says it firmly. It’s a plan.
“Harrington,” Billy says, rolling his eyes.
Steve smiles at that. He hasn’t heard Billy call him Harrington much since he got back. There’s something almost comforting about it. “No, really,” Steve says. “We’ll shoot the shit. Have some beers. No big deal. My place. Um...Saturday? Seven?”
“Oh..kay.” Billy looks so skittish.
Robin is the one looking between them now and Steve feels all his blood rushing to his feet. “Is this...guy stuff?”
My step-dad always said Billy was a pussy because he liked boys...said he was a homo…I think that’s why he made such a big deal out of going with so many girls...
“Yeah,” Steve says, nodding. “Yep. Guys only.”
“Gotcha,” Robin says, as if he’s being ridiculous.
“Beverly Hills Cop?” Max says, holding up the tape box for Billy.
He nods. “Yeah, I like that one.” Billy’s gaze skitters around the store. Steve’s noticed he’s a lot more fidgety than he used to be, like he doesn’t always remember how to be a normal person. Steve meets his eyes again and this time he doesn’t look away. He watches Billy take a little breath and realizes that somehow he’s steadying Billy at least for a moment.
It happens really fast. Steve doesn’t hate it. He feels useful.
That’s weird too. He doesn’t think of himself as a steadying person.
“You want me to ring you up?” Robin’s voice sounds too sharp and Steve jerks slightly, the moment suddenly passing.
“You and Steve should be friends,” El says, almost stern as she pushes between them. Billy gets this really serious look on his face, his gaze following El. Steve suspects El’s word is gospel to Billy Hargrove now.
Life is so weird.
“You like him.” Robin is smirking as she logs returned tapes while Steve shelves on the other side of the counter.
“No, I don’t!” Steve sputters. “Wait, who?”
It’s Saturday. He’s got the early shift. He gets off in an hour, then he’s going to go home, and then Billy Hargrove is going to come over to his house.
“Who,” Robin says with a snort. “Your friend, Rob Lowe.”
“He does kinda look like Rob Lowe,” Steve mutters, studying the cover of St. Elmo’s Fire as he shelves it. He came back without an earring though and he hasn’t replaced it yet.
Steve thinks Billy deserves a new earring.
“And I know how you feel about Rob Lowe,” Robin says. She looks so smug.
“I don’t feel...why’re you always trying to get me to like guys!” Steve says, throwing up his hands. “It’s not...I’m not...Just ‘cause you’re…”
“I know you like girls, Steve,” Robin says slowly. “Trust me. Everybody knows. I just uh...get a vibe. Like maybe you like guys too.”
“There’s no vibe,” Steve mumbles, flushing.
Why is he lying?
Lying is so tiring.
It’s habit though.
The truth is, he didn’t know it was...okay. But Robin has sort of made it okay.
“Billy maybe likes guys,” Steve says under his breath. “And girls, I guess. But his dad knew? And, ya know…”
“Interesting,” Robin says.
“Oh my God.”
“This is stupid.”
Steve checks his watch again. Billy is coming over in less than a half-hour. Steve has a little box in his hand and he can’t stop pacing. The box has an earring in it.
He’d driven out of town to the mall in Terre Haute to buy it on a whim.
The earring is a little silver feather. It’s dangly like that pointy one Billy used to wear all the time. Something about the delicacy of the feather had reminded him of his new version of Billy. This gift is just a “welcome back from almost being dead” gift. At the time it didn’t seem like a big deal but now it seems like a huge gesture. But Robin’s given him several pep talks on this subject already.
“It’s not stupid,” Robin declares. She’s sitting on his kitchen counter, eating Fritos. “It’s sweet!” She wags her eyebrows at him.
He took Robin with him to buy the earring. She has his number now. He’s gotten to be really shit at lying about his feelings these days.
It’s annoying.
He’s also not sure how he managed to get through life without Robin around.
“What if…” Steve licks his lips. “What if I just think I like guys and then like something happens and I’m not into it-”
“Don’t overthink it,” Robin says softly. He stops pacing and sighs, standing in front of her, fidgeting with the little box. “Just...see what happens. Don’t force anything. But I think you and Billy would be good together.”
The Camaro roars outside as it pulls in and the twenty bangles on Robin’s wrist jingle as she hops down from the counter and hands Steve the Fritos. “He’s early!”
“Shit!” Steve says.
“Hey!” Robin claps her hands to Steve’s cheeks and smooshes them together. “He’s just a boy. It’ll be fine.”
“He’s special,” Steve says, but it’s a little muffled as she’s pushed his lips into a fish mouth.
“I know he is,” Robin says. “And if it doesn’t work, just keep being his friend.”
Steve nods and Robin lightly slaps his cheek before she lets go and heads out the back way.
“Robin!” Steve calls just as there’s a knock at the front door.
“Yeah?” She pauses at the sliding glass door, looking back.
“How’s my hair?” Steve says gravely.
She tosses him a thumbs up. “Gorgeous as usual, dingus.”
Steve nods, feeling a little more assured and jogs to the front door, pausing to straighten his shirt. It’s a dark blue shirt with stripes on the sleeves. He likes the way it sort of clings to his chest that’s just a little broader than it used to be. He bought new jeans even though he’d been trying to save his money. Robin told him they made his ass look good. Okay, sure.
He slips the earring box into his pocket and throws open the door, reflexively taking a little breath when he sees Billy, whose dark blonde hair looks curlier today, a little wave falling over his eye. He’s all in blue; a navy t-shirt under his denim jacket.
He looks stupidly pretty in blue, Steve thinks. He’s got his hands shoved in his pockets and he’s all tensed up.
Billy Hargrove might be quieter now but he’s still a live wire.
“Hey, Harrington,” Billy says with a nod.
“Hey, man,” Steve says, stepping back to let him in.
“I’m early…”
“I’m not doing anything,” Steve says, shrugging. “It’s cool. Have you eaten?”
“Uh…”
“Because we could order pizza,” Steve says. “Or not. Ya know. Whichever. I could eat...or not. If-”
“Pizza’s good,” Billy says. He follows Steve, gazing around at the impressive Harrington household. In the kitchen, he leans on the counter and stares out the glass doors to the pool.
Steve is grateful to have a little job to do and jogs over to the phone to call for pizza. “What do you like?”
“I don’t like olives?” Billy says.
“Cool.” Steve orders them a large deluxe with no olives and watches Billy the whole time as he stares outside. He can’t help but wonder if Billy has some kinda thing about pools now?
But when he hangs up, Billy says, “You ever go walking out there?”
“Where?” He ambles over to the fridge and takes out two Cokes, sliding one down the counter at Billy.
“Out in the woods?” Billy says, nodding in the direction of the backyard before he pops the tab and takes a sip. “Can I smoke in here?” But he makes no move for his cigarettes.
“Yeah, it’s fine…” Steve follows his gaze outside. It seems strange that Billy would like the woods but then he supposes Billy’s own monster experience was never tied up in that. “Sometimes. They kinda spook me a little bit.”
“Why’s that?” Billy says, sipping his Coke.
Steve opens and closes his mouth. If Billy likes the woods, Steve isn’t about to ruin them for him. “I don’t know,” Steve says, chuckling. “No reason really.”
“Hmm…”
“So like...how’re you doing, man?” Steve says. “Being back and all?”
“Well, I got a job,” Billy says quickly. “At the library, of all places. Weird, right?”
“Kinda surprising, I guess,” Steve says, cracking a smile.
“I don’t know. I like to read more than I used to? And I like the quiet sometimes? That’s why I like walking in the woods.”
“We can go walking out there later,” Steve says quickly. “After we eat?”
“Cool.” Billy looks shifty. He taps on the counter again, his gaze roving around.
“But I meant like…” Steve clears his throat. He doesn’t want to push but...Billy needs a friend. “Like how are you?”
Billy meets his gaze again and Steve feels like he’s falling right into those ocean eyes that look a little sad but also somehow more real than they did when Steve first met him. All that bravado has left the building. Billy doesn’t answer right away and Steve waits until they’re just staring at each other in the quiet. It should feel weird and it doesn’t. Billy shrugs his shoulders so minutely that Steve almost misses it.
“Better,” Billy mumbles, and chews his lip. “Just different.”
“Yeah,” Steve says, nodding. “I get that.”
Billy relaxes a little, nodding to himself. “So are you with that Robin chick?”
Steve laughs. Everyone asks that. It gets to be annoying. But he’s only too happy to set Billy to rights. “Nope. Nothing like that.”
“But you like her,” Billy says, shrugging. “Right?”
“Yeah but not… She’s not…” Steve scratches his scalp, ruffling up his hair. “She’s gay.”
Billy’s eyes flash. He stares dumbly at Steve. “Oh…”
“Yeah.” Steve shrugs. “So…”
“Do you care?” Billy says. “About that?”
“Nah.” Steve grins at him and leans a little a closer across the counter. “She’s the coolest person I know. I mean besides, like… I think I like…”
“What?” Billy says with bated breath.
“I-I think I like...guys,” Steve says. “I mean sometimes. And girls. Ya know like...either.”
“Oh…”
The pounding on the door makes them jerk apart and Steve flashes Billy a nervous grin before he goes to collect the pizza and pay the guy. The pizza cuts the tension. Steve’s happy to have something to do with his hands. He asks Billy what movies he’s liked since he’s been back. That gets them to talking and it’s surprisingly easy. Steve puts on some music. They drink Coke and then a couple beers, and they eat pizza. They end up outside by the pool, smoking and staring out at the woods.
“I hear him in my head sometimes still,” Billy says quietly, taking a drag. That’s startling but Steve doesn’t say anything because Billy doesn’t sound like he’s finished. “Don’t worry, like it’s not really him. It’s just my mind playing tricks on me… I just… Except sometimes he sounds like my dad.”
“Do you remember everything?” Steve says quietly.
“I remember...watching myself hurt people,” Billy says. “And I was trapped in this empty, dark place. And... I kept thinking that I’d always been hurting people… I wanted to stop. I wanted to stop so bad. And El helped me stop.” He glances over at Steve before stubbing out his cigarette. “That’s the gist anyway.”
“You...gave your life for hers,” Steve whispers.
He’s thought about that so many times. He’s been in situations with Dustin and others that weren’t too far off. He’s put himself in mortal danger for others several times over. But this seems different. Billy walked right into death for Eleven. Sometimes he can’t stop thinking about that, especially when Billy strolls into Family Video with Max looking very much alive like it’s no big deal.
“I owed her,” Billy murmurs, his eyes somewhere on the ground. “She like...she got through? And it gave me this one moment of...of peace? Made all the pain stop for one second and it still hurt in a different way but... “ He shakes his head. “Anyway, I owed her. For everything. I still do. I owe Max too.”
He saved El for that one moment of peace, Steve realizes.
Yeah, Billy is special.
“You want to go on a walk?” Steve says.
“Sure.”
“So…” Steve squints at him as they traipse through the woods. “What do you like to read?”
Steve isn’t exactly well-read himself but Dustin’s thrown some science fiction and fantasy novels in his direction so he can at least have a conversation. It turns out they both really like The Hobbit and The Outsiders and then Billy starts talking about other books he’s read lately since he started working at the library and his eyes seem brighter.
“What?” Billy finally says, rolling his eyes as he stops to lean against a tree. But he’s smiling softly. He looks so good when he smiles. Steve wants to make him smile more often. And laugh. Steve’s got a running list going. “Why’re you grinning like that?”
“Oh…” Steve claps a hand to his mouth. “No, I don’t know. Nothing.”
Steve hears Robin’s voice in his head telling him to be honest.
“You look good when you smile,” Steve says, shrugging, feeling like his head is about to pop right off. “It’s nice to see you smile and...excited about something.”
Billy crosses his arms and raises one hand, twisting his lip, regarding Steve. “Hmm.”
My head will pop off. My heart will burst.
“When you revved your engine in the parking lot,” Steve blurts out. “Like Nancy told me you were revving your engine for the longest time before I crashed into you. Were you like… It just seemed like you were warning everyone?”
Billy’s face falls and Steve feels bad again. He opens and closes his mouth, his eyelashes fluttering. “I-I...tried to hold it off… I really tried to-”
Steve leans forward and kisses him on total impulse. The kiss wasn’t dependent on that answer. But there was something about Billy’s guileless expression as he tried to get across how hard he fought. It was too much.
Billy’s mouth is so warm and soft. Steve never imagined anything about Billy Hargrove could be so soft. His mouth is immediately pliant but his arms unfold slowly to rest at Steve’s hips. They both taste a little bit like pizza and cigarettes. But it’s good.
Steve had no idea…
He presses in just a little bit closer, wanting to feel Billy against him, see what that’s like.
“This okay?” He murmurs.
Billy gives a little nod and Steve kisses him again before pulling back to marvel at Billy. Billy who is special and pretty in blue. “I just...thought you needed that. I mean I also wanted to do it,” Steve says, tittering. Billy’s hands are still at his waist, resting there. He presses his palms to Billy’s chest. He came back thinner. A lot of his muscle mass is gone but he still likes working out a lot. He’ll probably get pretty buff again eventually.
“You thought I needed that?” Billy says. He looks a little mischievous now. He looks happy. Steve grins at him, feeling a surge of confidence. He reminds himself to spot Robin for lunch. A week of lunches.
“Yeah,” Steve says, feeling a little cocky. He feels cocky enough to take the little box out of his pocket. “I got you something. It’s no big deal. Just like a welcome back thing…It’s late, I know.”
“Shit.” Billy’s mouth curves like he’s trying to contain himself and he takes the box and bites his lip when he opens it and sees the feather earring. “Oh...shit.”
“Do you like it?” Steve says. “I don’t know, I just thought-”
“I like it,” Billy says quickly. He takes out the earring, pocketing the box, and slips it on in seconds, flicking it with his finger. The delicate little silver feather really works even with his shorter hair. “Look good?”
“Yeah.” Steve nods, and slides his hands up and down Billy's chest, feeling him breathe. “Yeah. Perfect. You needed that too.”
“And you know what I need. Do you, Harrington?” Billy says, letting that smile out again, gently squeezing Steve’s hips.
He likes Billy. He knew that. He didn’t realize until this moment how much he had to give Billy. He also knows Billy will give him everything back, he’ll be so fucking grateful. He’ll have to be so careful with Billy Hargrove.
“Yeah,” Steve whispers. “I know what you need.” He feels like his heart is too big when he slowly raises his hand and presses his palm to Billy’s cheek. He feels the way Billy breaths in and sees the way his eyes are suddenly shining, a tear out of nowhere threatening to fall. “You need this,” Steve says. “You need it all the time.”
Billy nods once and that tear falls, but he only says, “Yeah.”
“Okay.” Steve kisses him again, and wraps his arms around him. “Then that’s what I’ll give you.”