Chapter Text
It had been a terrible idea, really. They should have gone home, should have said no. But they didn’t. Alex and John had planned to only have a few drinks, to go home soon, but that didn’t work. After too many rounds, Alex realized that Eliza had no idea where they were. His wife, his love, was probably sitting at home, worried. He had forgotten to tell her before they left, it had been a spur of the moment. It was a thought that took him much too long for him to process. When it finally got to him, he rushed to John, pulling the drink out of his hand. “John!’’ His voice was slightly slurred, his vision blurry, “we gotta go. I forgot to tell Eliza where we-”
Alex was cut off by John, who had turned and was hugging him, almost cuddling him- if you could cuddle standing up.
“John? Are you alright?” He looked pale, it was probably just that he had drank too much, but Alex still worried.
“Mmm.” John's voice was muffled.
“What?” Asked Alex, pulling John's’ face up, inspecting it. John looked tired, or drunk. Alex couldn’t tell
“I don’t wanna go!” He whined, slumping onto Alex.
“Oh. Well, we gotta go anyway. So, come on.” He began to drag John along with him through the bar, even though his vision and thoughts were blurred and confused. “We gotta walk back, it won’t be far.”
John nodded slightly, his neck starting to droop. After a minute or two of walking, John slowed, forcing ALex to double back.
“John? You alright there, buddy?” Asked Alex, stooping over to stand John up straight.
“I’m tired,” John muttered, barely moving his mouth, “carry me?’’
“John I don’t think-”
“Please?” John sounded so helpless, so adorable, Alex couldn’t resist him.
“Okay. Fine, but just this once.” Alex picked John up, cradling him in his arms. He struggling under the weight for a moment, but regained his balance quickly.
John nuzzled his head into the crook of Alex’s elbow. “I love you.” He whispered, eyes closing.
“I love you too.” Alex said it before he had registered what John had said. His eyes widened at the thought, his heart soaring. He then realized that John was drunk, not in his right mind. Alex’s heart sunk at that. Wait, he thought, mind racing, I can’t love John. No. I’m married to Eliza. What am I thinking? Alex tried to calm himself, eventually convincing himself that he was just too drunk to even think straight. He continued up the road to his house, not even considering the fact that John had to get home too. As time passed, John relaxed more and more in his arms, his eyes closed now. At some point, Alex realized that John was not sleeping in his arms. He looked peaceful, happy even. It was something Alex rarely saw in John. He continued to marvel at John’s expressions as they approached his house. When he reached the door, he realized that John couldn’t sleep with him and Eliza, it was unheard of. Three people in a bed? Never. Deciding he’d put John in the spare bed, Alex made his way into the house, listening to see if Eliza was still awake. Luckily, he could hear her soft snoring from the other room. Alex carried John into their guest bedroom quietly, then snuck back out to write a note to Eliza. He wasn’t sure what time he’d wake up, and he wanted to apologize for being out so late. He quickly scribbled an apology and left it on the table. He then made his way back to the guest room to check on John.
When he arrived back in the guest room, John was exactly as Alex had left him. He was still sprawled across half the bed, all his clothes still on. Careful not to wake him, Alex made his way over to John, quietly sitting on the bed. He slowly worked on getting John’s shoes off so he’d be more comfortable. When he was done, John rolled onto his side, opening his eyes slightly.
“Alex? Where are we?” He asked, his voice raspy.
“We’re at my house, I didn’t think it would be a good idea to bring you to your house… and my house was closer. You can just sleep here tonight, if you’d like.”
John opened his eyes a bit more. They were glassy, still filled with sleep. “M’kay.” He muttered. Alex stood, about to leave and go to sleep with Eliza. Just as he reached the door, he heard John speak, “stay with me?”
Alex couldn’t say no, John was too adorable when he was tired. He was sad he didn’t get to see John like this more often. “Alright.” He sighed. He took off his shoes and lied down in the bed with John. He planned to wait until John was asleep, and then return to his own bed- he didn’t want Eliza getting the wrong idea. And anyway, he didn’t want John waking up next to him, hungover, and panicking about weather or not he’d done something stupid. That entire plan went out the window within a minute.
John had turned over to face Alex, hs eyes nearly closed again. “Alex?” He asked, smiling.
“Yes?”
“Can you kiss me?”
Alex stomach did a flip. Everything in him was saying yes, but something in the back of his mind said no. Eliza, it said, you have a wife. Alex looked at John, considering him. He pushed the little voice to the back of his head, letting all instincts take over. He felt his heart race as he leant forwards, John’s head against his own. John moved his head, letting their lips fall together. Perfect. It’s perfect. As they broke apart, Alex felt a little piece of him sink, he didn’t want the kiss to end. He watched John roll onto his back and close his eyes. He stared at John for a long time, watching him sleep. He felt his own eyes beginning to close too. If he was lucky, maybe, just maybe, neither Eliza or John would be mad in the morning/ At last he let himself sleep, cuddled right up to John.
Thirsty. That’s what Alex was when he woke up the next morning. Thirsty. He needed water, now. He jumped out of bed, not registering John lying next to him. As soon as he was upright, the world seemed to spin. He felt sick to the stomach, his head compressed. He knew he was hungover and needed water, but he felt so tired, just from standing. Forcing himself to walk, Alex made his way to the kitchen, using the wall for support. When he reached the kitchen, he almost crumpled. There was light shining through the window, and it was only making his headache worse. He blindly groped for a glass for a moment before his hand reached the familiar cupboard. Opening it, Alex grabbed a glass. He made his way over to the sink, then filled the glass to the brim with water. He downed it in one, but it didn’t help.
It took a few more glasses before he felt any better. Filling the cup again, Alex started to make his way back to his room, recounting the previous night's events. He couldn’t remember much, just snippets. He almost remembered something, a flash of nervousness, but he didn’t know where it was from. He focused on it for a minute before it all came rushing back. Walking home, getting to bed... the kiss. With a sinking feeling, Alex thought about the kiss. He had kissed John Laurens. John Laurens. Drunk. And slept with him. God, he hoped Eliza wasn’t up yet. Or gotten up and seen them. What if she had? What would she have thought. Would she had been mad- is she mad? In a slight panic, Alex made his way to the main bedroom him and Eliza shared. Peeking in, he saw her still curled up, fast asleep. Oh thank god, he thought, sighing with relief. He crept back out to the spare room, where John was still asleep. Knowing Eliza would be mad if she found out, Alex decided he should bring John home. Crossing the room in a matter of seconds, Alex quickly scooped John into his arms. God, he looked so peaceful. So happy. If only he was mine, he thought, wait. No, I take that back. Eliza is mine I love Eliza. But I love John too. He felt bad for thinking it. As much as he loved Eliza, he loved John just as much. But he couldn’t be with John, that was impossible! Two men? Together? He almost laughed at the thought. And even if it was possible, he was already married to Eliza. Not only that, but John would never feel the same way about him. He shook his head, and looked up, away from John’s relaxed face. Sighing, he left the bedroom, making his way to the front door. He was hoping John would not make any noise, though he seemed to deep asleep to even move. They left the house shortly after that.
After a good few minutes of walking, Alex felt his legs beginning to tire. Gently, he sat down and laid John's head across his lap. They sat there like that for a while, and Alex let himself watch the sun rise, something he had not done in quite a while. Luckily, since it was early in the morning, few people passed them. Alex was grateful for that. He knew he would get weird looks if they passed by, with John lying on him. Deciding he should keep moving before the morning rush, he picked John up again and continued down the road.
He was lucky John lived so close to him, he wasn’t sure he could carry John much further than he already had. With John’s house in sight, Alex quickened his pace. When he reached the door,
He took one last look, turned, and left John asleep on the couch. He felt bad, leaving John to wake up on his own, but he had to. He had to get back to Eliza- his Eliza.
When he was back at his house, Alex sat down at the table, drinking more water. It was then he noticed the note on the table, the one he had written the night before. He remembered writing it, just not what it said. Picking it up, in very messy handwriting, he read.
Liza,
I sorry I came back late. I lost track of time. John is staying here tonight, so I am sleeping with him. I still very sorry for not telling yu.
Alex
Alex groaned at his own grammar and spelling. Usually, he could write okay drunk, he must have drank a lot for that. Sighing, he hid the note away, by tearing into many pieces and throwing it out the window.
Deciding he’d rather not have Eliza mad for a mess, Alex realized he’d better clean up. Standing slowly, he went to the guest bedroom to fix the bed. Luckily, neither him nor John had puked during the night, so all he had to do was make the bed. Moving quickly, he pulled the covers back up and repositioned the pillows in the same way Eliza had taught him. She had always liked things to be a certain way, and he hadn’t rejected that. He had let her teach him the ways she liked, and he’d kept it that way. Once he was done that, he concluded that he might as well clean himself up.
When he got to the bathroom, he checked the mirror and groaned. The bags under his eyes were dark, his face pale. He looked like a zombie. At the very least , he thought, I could wash up. So, splashing some water on his face, Alex thought. He thought about what he might tell Eliza. He thought about the cool water running down his face. He felt a ripple of cold go through him, one not from the water. He knew this feeling, once a year, every year. It was that time again, but this time he wasn’t sure if he could keep it from Eliza. Slowly, he sat down on the ground, shivering. He could feel the dark pressing in on him, the room coming in. Just as he was about to lose consciousness, a figure came in front of him. Someone he had not seen in a very long time.
“Mom?”